10:38am

Autumn, I love you.

Starting off a post with a picture has to be a good omen right? Halloween costume shopping today for my little brother and then possibly could go look at some new plugs at Tribal Weaver.
I dyed my hair black last night to accentuate my pirate costume. Plus it needed to be done.
I'm going on a picnic with Krisanna today in our secret spot. (Okay so it's not so secret.. give us a break.) We still like it.
Pictures will be taken.

Especially on my new Canon AE-1 Program.
My new exciting toy.

I have high hopes for today. I got to sleep in and that was a wonderful thing.

I think you are l o v e l y.

I'm getting a typewriter soon, and hopefully a

r e c o r d   p l a y e r

because you inspired me.

I enjoy putting an excessive amount of s p a c e s

between my words. This is me not giving a fuck because

I'm in a good mood.

Lets e n j o y the day

shall we?

<3

8:57pm

I thought of you today, seeing as how I didn't wear underwear. Or yesterday, just forgot to blog about it. I thought of both of you really.
I still want to go to Ireland. My photo teacher told me that back in the day the boys and girls there sat on opposite sides of the classroom and weren't allowed to talk to each other. And went off of them being bitter. Then my partner lost his glasses. He found them.

I want to watch Requiem for a Dream. Sounds like something that would make me cry. Everyone needs a good cry.

A few weeks ago I was going through my phone and old locked text messages, I found this conversation (well really just 2 replies I had said randomly):

Me: Why do you think its so hard to remember dreams? It's like our brain can't hold them all or doesn't want to for some reason? Because it knows we will tell someone and they could possibly get hurt or something? I'm not sure.
Me: I think our brains are more complex and complicated than we give them credit for. I think they try to protect us.

And that is that.

Robbie. <3



My best friends.



Yeah we're Hipsters. STFU.

I wish I was half as purdy as Krisanna.

I want to know your world. I want to cuddle and watch movies and Right now as I read this all I see is I want, I want, I want. I'm so selfish. Whatever. This is me not giving a fuck. And typing just to say things.

I am going to try and write a post one of these days without saying "I".

Goodnight.

10:40pm

Robbie: If You Could Be One Age Forever What Would It Be?

 

Myself: Hmmmm. I like 18. But then again, I don't know what 19 is like or what will happen. Or 25. I liked being little, while life was good. And I just climbed trees all day and didn't know what was going on and my parents were happy and my grandpa was alive. Before everything changed.

 

 

Halloween is getting closer and I'm pretty excited. Just going to be a pirate again.

 

 

I need to take more pictures.

Lets just move to Ireland okay?

I was thinking about my favourite childhood movie earlier today, then you made me think about it again.

A small earthquake just hit. Shook my mirror and I got kind of nervous. I thought it may have been my dad running into my room. Its late so I thought I would have gotten in trouble. But it wasn't, he is still asleep and all is well.

 

I should sleep though.

11:01pm

You should be proud of me.
Actually worked on my math homework.
I felt sick the whole time but I got a bit done.

I wish I wasn't failing.

Oh the sweet smell of crunchy leaves.

Scout and Autumn my 2 favourite things.

Those seem like the same photograph, but you just aren't looking close enough.

I need sleep.

Sleep well everyone.



7:39pm

Yesterday..
Oh lord. What to say.

Today..
Just the same.

What actually matters
             hell if I know.

Rereading what you said to me now, makes me want to cry. Throw up and cry.
            all in the best way possible.

You said you thought of me when applying your eyeliner.
            it's shit like that that make me want to sink into your arms and just be you.

I'm sorry I made you cry, that wasn't in the game plan.
           yet neither was crying in your car,
                 or telling you all of the things I have floating in my head.

You didn't fail yourself or do any wrong.
          you just said what I asked of you, and I can't thank you enough.
                  its those thing that I need to know in order to survive at work.

"We will never run or escape from who we are, and we will continually be reminded of the people we were because it's who we are.."

God damn it. GOD DAMN IT! Fuck you.... fuck you for being so damn right....
   
And when I say fuck you, I mean I love you. I love you from the bottom of my soul and body.
Even knowing you just for the few months I have, I feel I'm a part of you.
I keep repeating myself about how I hardly know you.. But I know so much of you.
I know you don't care, and yet care just enough.
You have days, like myself, where you just are.
You are inside yourself and outside yourself.
You are watching yourself walk around, and wondering
"So that's what I look like from behind."
"That's what every other person in this fucking city sees everyday."

A few weeks ago I was walking down the street and I forgot what I looked like. Legitimately forgot what I looked like.
What does that mean?
That I forgot who I am for a few brief minutes?
Does looking in a mirror fix that problem or are you then just looking at a body you are inhabiting at that moment?


Last night I raced home to babysit after verbally puking in your car.
I had to give the young autistic boy I watched a bath, and as his sister and himself watched their movie I ran the water.
Every few minutes I would go check to see if it was getting any warmer then it was previously.
Nothing changed.

As I took the ice cold wash cloth and watched the suds run down his backside, he would say 'Ow!' each time the icy cold water touched his goose bump stained skin,
I didn't have the heart to tell him,

"I think they turned off your hot water.."
But he is probably 7 years old, and doesn't even know what that means. So I bundled him up and put on his pajamas and we played a game of Jenga.

Now do me a favor, and tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to function with all this new bullshit inside my head.
Work was hell. I was a zombie. Emotionless.

There was a moment, and I would not lie to you, when I had to
                                                                                                  stop.
                                                                                                  stand there.
                                                                                                  and breathe.
The only emotion I could explain to someone was
"I feel lost."
And I told you that.

You said,
"Drink water."
and,
"Have you eaten?"

Of course the answer was no.

"And what defines us is the beauty we see and connections we make because a time will come when you just say, fuck the world and you'll do everything you can, to fend for yourself. And there is beauty in that, because we are alive and we have purpose."

You said your 'heart felt like cracking that night because you heard the things I felt and thought not one soul in this world deserves to feel so down'

But love.. you haven't even heard the beginning....
but one day you will. And we will
cry and
cry and
cry and
cry and
cry and
           cry.
Till we have nothing left to give.

And don't you dare apologize for shit. Your "garble" is what makes my world go round because it is real and it is you. And damn it I can't ask for much more.

I felt your heart seep out of your body as mine did, and touch.

What you may have not known is I'm awful with eye contact. Too sensual for me.
But I tried with all my might to look right at you in my tear filled eyes and tell you the nonsense about my dreams and how brushing his teeth was like turning on the television.
And It makes me want to cry at this very moment in this very spot just thinking about you and each time you nodded your head to show that

you understood each word, each syllable, each fucking tear that ran down my cheeks..

You understood what I thought no one could. You proved to me I can try my best to explain my dreams to those who can handle them.

I've now taken up too much of your time making you read this shit, but like you said,

this is me, and it's real..
So we will leave it at that.

I hope you sleep well,

I'll see you soon. my dear.

11:10am

I got more art supplies.


None of which I use in my actual painting class. Well, maybe the pens or the palette. But I purchased watercolours instead of acrylic, I prefer watercolours.

I want to stay home and paint, crochet, read, take pictures, or do my homework. But I must work at 2:30pm.
Oh well.

I have this feeling of serenity at the moment. I get that feeling after I take a few minutes and look at my favourite artist paintings and sketches, Adara Sanchez.

I honestly get the tingles or feel completely serene when I do this. Just have time to myself to just appreciate someones true talent for what it is. This is what she loves doing, and I admire her for it.
Her linework is brilliant. And now that I have watercolours of my own I can recreate her work yet again.

I should bathe,

have a nice day.



9:49pm

I get in these weird moods where I suddenly feel sick and so I get really quiet and all my energy goes away. I start to breathe fast sometimes. I'm not sure.

It happened today, but only for a little while. I just needed water and food. Other than that it was a nice day.
Very excited for the next few days, I should be receiving quite a few things in the mail all week, and who doesn't love getting things in the mail?

Best part about my day:
An extremely attractive guy from England came into work today and ordered, yep you guessed it, tea. :)
Earl Grey. Oh his accent was wonderful. Would have married him right on the spot.
We chatted a bit about life and travels. Quite nice indeed.
Made me want to go to Ireland even more than I have in the past few days. I've been thinking about Ireland quite a bit.

Well. Here are some good songs I'm currently enjoying all by who might be my favourite band:

I'm clearly having a Bon Iver attack and couldn't be more happy.
Now I'm wishing I had brought my iPod in from my car so I could fall asleep to it.

Perhaps tomorrow night.

Alright,

Goodnight.