Maddie put in her 2 weeks. Full time at Contrast and Abstrakt. I'm happy for her. I think the green monster in me was coming out when she first got the job. But now I'm accepting that she's moving on in a positive way.
Mel put her 2 weeks in a little while back. Along with Bubbas she recently got hired at Northridge in NC. I'll miss her too.
Molly's last day is Monday.
Today Holly pulled me aside (as well as Kat and Corrie) to let us know that because we are losing so many people that have been with us for so long that she needs/has been thinking of moving some people up in rank. Meaning us 3, if we choose to accept, will be trained in becoming supervisors.
It's odd timing since I put in a revised application and resume to Ben Franklins today.
It kind of confuses me and makes me feel indifferent. Like here I am trying to move on and have something new and different in my life (as a second job) and then I get promoted at the place I need space from.
One day it will make sense..
Dad is being controlling slightly. Tonight wasn't good. Didn't even want to come home. Just guilt trips me for having my shit very where, not doing dishes, or walking Scout. Like okay? I'm sorry I'm working all the time and when I'm not working I like to get sleep. It's just getting to this weird point again where I feel out of place and just confused in my own house- not to mention skin.
I am having a HUGE identity crisis.
I'm not sure I've ever felt this way before. Like I'm not where I should be. I don't look the way I should. I'm all round confused and feel not myself.
It's awful. I feel like I NEED to change my hair and personality and everything about me. I want to close myself in. Into my own shell and just be by myself so I can reflect and write. Write down everything, make lists and cross things off. Figure out what I'm doing or should be or want to be.
I'm just so lost in myself and everything around me.
I need to renew. I want to dispose of all the shit in my room and at and life I don't need. Save up money for what matters rather than spending it continuously online.
Just rethink everything I've done in the past few months and make some drastic changes.
As much as it upsets my dad.. I can't think about it. I need to do things that I need or even just want. Do things to feel fulfilled.
I guess I feel empty but so cram-packed with unnecessary bullshit I'm hoarding within myself that I need to completely erase and start clean. Like I have filing cabinets and drawers in my brain that are sorted by date and alphabetically and by any other way there is to file something and that's the way it should be. But it's like another version of me snuck in when I wasn't looking and switched everything up so now everything is out of order and jumbled. I'm not functioning properly.
So I'm cleaning house.
Getting ready for school.
I already purchased a planner and multicolored pens and a new bag.
I strongly feel that once Autumn gets here it will help wash and blow everything I don't need away. And if I keep saying it it has to happen, right?
Courtney and I have become closer and I enjoy that. She understands me and the way I tick. Knows when I need space, understands the kind of mood I'm in by what music I'm listening to, etc.
It's refreshing.
Austin. George.
I miss my friend, and one I'd like to be friends with.
That's all I'll say about that.
Que Sera, Sera.
"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk if many things. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings. And if the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.."
Don't ask me why- it just was something in a wrong filing cabinet that was fluttering around today.
And with that, I should try and sleep.
