Sitting in the mining museum parking lot. All by myself.
Windows down listening to the stream and the rain.
Stopped crying finally.
Just feeling angry.
I want to do awful things to make you made.
Make you feel how I do now.
Make you understand.
I could drink this beer you left in my car and drive home but it wouldn't do anything but taste like shit. Wouldn't even give me a buzz. Granted I haven't eaten in 6 hours so who knows.
You're lucky I'm not that girl.
I'm thinking about tomorrow. How things will play out. What you will say. I'm just glad I don't work tomorrow.
I don't want to see you. Look at your fucking face. You're a piece of shit. But at the same god damn time I want to cry in your shoulders. I want to punch and kiss you. I hate that you do that. You have that control over me.
What have you given up in this relationship? What have I?
I want to yell and slap you across the face and scream how I feel.
I'm terrified you will be so sick and tired of all this shit. Sick of me and my feelings and whatever. Dealing with our differences. Just decide to end it. Pull yourself out of that. Be able to focus on you. Your friends. School. Your future.
Maybe one day you'll send me a message asking how I'm doing. If I'm still signing, taking pictures, dating even..
I fucking hate those thoughts. I can't even imagine myself holding hands with another person.
This is me overreacting. Freaking myself out. Being crazy. And I see that, but it's all inside and it needs to get out.
You've been back a while now and I miss you still. I haven't been able to hang out with you and just you since you've been back.
I understand Aidan is leaving and you should spend time with him. But I'm still here and in need of you too.
Now this happens. My fears. I know I had unrealistic hopes for you to come back home and be grown up. Moved past the childish ventures of smoking. But nope. I have to remind myself all the time you are still a kid. A year younger than me. But also so mature. So mature for your age and also more mature than me even. But you are still learning yourself and part if me hates that.
Like the thought of you right now doing fucking mushrooms even though it fucking makes me sick. Makes me cry and hurts me so much. You don't care about me sometimes.
Not nearly as much as I care about you. I feel like you don't love me as much as I love you. And that makes me sick too.
I fucking hate love. I had never believed in it and now here it is. And it's fucking stupid. It only hurts people.
I should stop. I really have nothing left to say. I'm still by myself
in town
in the dark
in my car
in the rain.
Hoping you'll text me and want to meet up. Talk. But at the same time that terrifies me. It's going to be so uncomfortable. And I really don't need that right now. I really need you to comfort me. That's all I've needed for the past 2 months.
But you come home and I'm still lonely.
Really need you to understand that.
