8:51pm

Liz put in her 2 weeks notice today. Had to really hold back from crying while grinding filters.
Maddie went to San Fran for her birthday with Lydia, got her nostrils pierced.

I feel like very one can have what they want, and move forward with their life but me.

7:44pm

I made a post possibly about a month ago and it was a really good one. It was sort of a happy post to. I saved it as a draft so that I could add a picture later, and Blogger deleted it. So thank you Blogger.. ugh.

Anyways.
Good News: 
        Dear Monica,
To ensure student success we review student records each semester. Your records indicate that your grade point 
average (G.P.A.) is below 2.0. As a result, you are now on academic probation. You have the opportunity to 
prevent future semesters of academic probation by raising your Sierra College GPA to 2.0 or above.

{What this means: I wasn't "dismissed" /suspended. I didn't have to write some bullshit email trying to have The Man let me back into college.}

My Digital Photography professor did me a huge favor and passed me. With a C. He actually wanted to raise it but by the time I met up with him it was too late. I suppose I don't care too much at this point.

My Film photography professor passed me with a B.

Furthermore.

Not So Great News:

Received an F in Math. No shocks on my end. I even feel as though my professor and I ended on good terms {not that we were ever on bad terms}. I wrote her a note on my final exam that I knew I wasn't going to pass her class but perhaps we shall see each other in the future.

For now, I'm taking a break from Mathematics.

On a completely different note:

I just got back home from Nevada. The Family and I went camping and it was really nice actually.

My favourite part was rafting down this nice river. I of course was the captain..

The two weeks prior to said camping trip I worked my ass off. I only let myself have 1 day off each week so that I could boost up my paycheck knowing I would be short a week on the paycheck I receive when I come home.

That paycheck was the most I had ever received. And I felt as though I deserved nothing less.

I have a bit saved up in savings, for me at least.. and now this paycheck on top of it could help majorly buy a different vehicle or allow me to buy my own MacBook and not make a dent on my savings at all.

I want the fucking computer.

But I also would like a reliable car*.

*small SUV type vehicle.

My favourite  aunt called today out of the blue and of course school and my future came up in conversation.

No- correction: It invaded and trampled all over the conversation. There was no speaking of much else really and I cried just about the entire time. Which was less than wonderful. But I enjoyed the call nonetheless.

I just feel like I can never have what I would like to have.

I'm 19 years old and just want to be happy.

I want material things in hopes of being happier, and yes.. I do believe it will help.

I am being honest. I'm being a realist.

Not only will it make me happier, it will help me in the long run.

A computer is something that I have to have for school and my future for photography.

Erika and Tiz, coworkers, asked me to move in with them to the Auburn area. They are still looking. But I was pretty interested, and now I feel like I think I wont be able to. It will be too hard for me. I can't keep living here though. I don't know.. If I moved out I'm sure my dad would make me pay for all my everything. And I feel like everyone should know by now that there is no way I could do that at this point in my life.

I don't fucking make enough to survive. I need a fucking second job. I need something that I can one day survive off of. I don't want to have to quit school. 

Do you want the education, or the experience.

What my Aunt asked me today..
I fucking hated that she asked that.
What I had heard was:

"Do you want to be intelligent, or a fuck up" 

which then translated to:

"Do you want to be your mom, or Monica"

I told her I didn't like the way it sounded.
She told me a story about a roommate she once had and that helped a bit.
But not much.

The day we came back from camping I went to a family reunion.

My  Grandma Sonja was there along with my Aunt Holly. Both of which are no longer a part of my life. My mom and the majority of my close related family on her side are nonexistent. 

I need to draw a family tree for anyone to clearly understand my life..

Anyways, I arrived late due to the shower and missed the real action. But long story short: 

Uncle Jimmy tried to  hug his mom {Sonja} she  pushed him away, "Are you drunk?"

His wife, my Aunt Schan Delle, saw and rushed over across the lawn.

"...you are a fucking bitch! That's your son!...etc."

........Sonja slapped Schan Delle across the face....

No one really wanted to relive any of it so I just heard bits and pieces. 

I only wish I could have been there to slap my Grandma back for my aunt and all the hurt she has and ever will  bring to my family.

I have a broken family.

But somehow I'm surviving.

I'm tired. But finished up sketchbooks I'm sending to Dallas and Janna. Rather pleased with myself with that.

Post office tomorrow.

8:55pm

"it's just another bow in your quiver.."

Just got out of the shower. Quite necessary. After crying for several hours in dads room while talking about my future. This always happens though, we talk about it.. I even think about it and I get emotional. I'm sure I won't forget my exact feelings since this happens so often, so I need not go too far into it for the future me reading this.

Everyone is graduating. It's, we'll I'm not sure how it is. I guess it's just expected. I'm not surprised that it's happening. I'm not overly sad or emotional about that. I can't be. I can't really focus on my friends and all they are going through because I have enough in my plate.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and I'll be there to cheer them on. I'm proud that they made it through all I have.

I want to go to the movies alone. But nothing good is out.

I've decided I'm going to give it a try, going to a school that will teach me how to cut hair. As my dad put it and as you read earlier, "it's just another bow in my quiver."
It's just another art form that I may be great at. I may fall in love with it. And I can't argue or deny that I will enjoy having a steady paycheck once I have promising clientele. So this is me changing my views about how beauty school is a "cop-out". I'm going to give it a try.

On another note- Johnny Depp has and will always be attractive. Look at him in all his past films.. Your eyes will have an orgasm. And The Black Keys are really good live (via the television)..(I still haven't been to a concert.) and they are also attractive.

So far I've been keeping up with my summer resolutions: to read more and watch Ellen. I've watched it a few times since summer began and I'm currently reading a few books.

I still want my septum back. But in the mean time I still want/plan on getting my tragus. And I want that sooner rather than later. Perhaps next month when my dad leaves for Texas to go big time fishing with his best friend Dave.

Ps- I drove myself to Nevada City and parked and walked around for a few minutes (to ask for applications) but I still did it on my own. I was proud of myself..

10:20am

I hit someone on Sunday. Now before you start to panic, let me explain. I was at a stop light and there were 2 vehicles in front of me. (so I was the 3rd one down from the light.) the light turned green and it was a sunny day. The first car didn't move as fast as I thought they did which meant the car in front of me didn't move as fast as I thought they did. And I was reaching for my sunglasses and there for I LIGHTLY TAPPED the man in front of me. I got out and immediately started to apologize. I felt horrible and I was starting to get scared because if a car hits the other from behind its automatically their fault. And I might be trying to sell my car so it basically sucked.

He was very kind and looked and said. "well I don't see any damage to my car" (4Runner type thing)
Me: "and the front of my car looks like shit anyways.."
So thankfully he let me go. He made sure I want on my phone (which I wasn't) and so for the rest of the drive I was pretty shaky. And then we were short staffed for work so it was just me and Corrie, but we worked really well together.

Yesterday Khrista, Tiz, Corrie, and myself all went to the mall. It was nice.
I still need to return my application to Ben Franklins and go get one from Abstract. Since I had an ortho appt this morning I have had time to go to Sierra and check my email to see of I got the dismissal email. I hadn't yet so I signed up for my classes again. (I was already dropped due to me not paying yet.) although ill be dropped today when I get the email.
Idk I'll figure it out.
Think I'll go buy a book and go get that application.

I bought red lipstick yesterday. And there was lightning and hail. Very exciting.

9:30pm

I just revised my resume. Printed out 2 copies. Planning on turning in one tomorrow before work to Ben Franklins again.. Just to show how committed I am.. Ha.

And then I hope to turn in one on Monday to Abstract in Nevada City.

Maddie pushed me on that one.

Still a tad nervous about it.

Seeing as how I'm not exactly the most familiar with Nevada City.

Although I love that town more than Grass Valley.. Like way more.

And making $9.25 right off the bat would be a serious help.

I just need some variety in my life's routine.  It's getting old and I'm getting depressed.

My shoulders are sun burnt from the river the other day. So that sucks.. But that just means I wont burn for the rest on Summer. {basically.}

Blake is almost done with his first year of high school. Which freaks me out. But I'm proud of him. I'm sad that I missed Evening of Dance. Krisanna was in it and it was Alice in Wonderland themed. So cool..

And I didn't go to any choir concerts. Or football games. But I guess I wasn't required to or really meant to, I guess you could say.. But I don't know..

I just wanted to.

I'm going to go hang out at Briar Patch and read, draw, and people watch. 

I'm going to a whole lot this summer. I can just feel  it. 

I mean I want to.

I need to meet new people. 

I can't keep surrounding myself with the same things and the same people and the same

everything.

It's exhausting.

I'm tired. Think I'll go read.

10:47pm

I went to the river today.
With Blake and Austin. Not as awkward as I thought it would be.
But as the song goes, "Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know"

I found a new song to overplay. Pretty fitting.

I like to think I can sing, but would kill to sing like Lennon.

Happiness.

I guess that's it.