10:15pm

"I want to be in a coma." ....
"I want people to think I'm in a coma I guess. I need to take a week+ to just catch up. On cleaning, on art, on reading, on sleep, on everything."

I found an apartment today that would be perfect for me. Right downtown, not too expensive (or so I think) just everything about it is lovely.

But I just don't think I could do it. I've been brainwashed, whether that be from dad or myself, that I can't make it on my own.
Frankly, it is probably a mixture of both at this point.
But I'm at my breaking point. I've been so unhappy for months. I'm worried I could be diagnosed as depressed. I don't want to rely on medicine to be happy. I want to fix myself.

I'm just so confused. I need to sleep off all my worries. Stay in bed for a month and do nothing. Nothing but things that make me happy.

5:57pm

I spent the night at his house last night. It felt really natural. Even when I had to wake up early to get ready for my morning shift at work, I just felt at home? Normally with situations like that my stomach would feel weird and I would feel sick. Just all round not well. Not until I was back in my routine or some part f my comfort zone.

I'm still not getting attached, I mean nothing happened. Cuddling off and on. Watched Blue Valentine, he sketched some font ideas for my tattoo. We were both just exhausted. All in all- I don't suppose I have any complaints.

The more and more I look up fonts the more excited I am.

I've even have contemplated going into it more as a career option type thing. Just thinking around with my options.

First day of school was Tuesday. It went well and I felt comfortable there. Sierra has become a comfort zone for me. So far I feel like I'm still working quite a bit- and truthfully I am. I wont be forever, not saying like that I will never leave.. But for now I am going to make the best of being there.

I feel good about my classes so far.

Not so much the money part.

Parking permits are now $50.............. 

I wanted to hang myself.

Oh well.. This time I will pass my classes with A's and I will get my Financial Aid back.

I think that just about covers it for the most part.

OH YEAH!
Janna will be here late tonight- so we will see each other probably tomorrow. <3

Here are some pictures.

10:13pm

Had an awful day. Don't really want to dwell or even talk about it. Mainly because I don't want to have to go and read back on all these shitty posts. So yeah.. Idk Courtney can tell. She came up to me at work and just said how I've clearly been unhappy for the past month and she wants to help but just doesn't know how. And frankly, I'm not quite sure how either. Oh well. I'll move on and get a high spot in life shortly- I'm assuming Tuesday when school starts for me.

It couldn't have come around at a better time.. I remember once school ended I was saying the same thing. I hated school by the end and I needed an escape from it. Now I feel that way about Caroline's. The more I'm there the more unhappy I get. Some days are better than others but I'm beginning to 'hate' my coworkers as well as everything about the place really.

So like I said- school is here just in time. I need a break from all this bullshit that is Caroline's.

I'm taking 2 classes and regardless of what anyone says- I'm happy about it. I'm excited. I already know 3 people that will be in one of my classes. So that's exciting I suppose. I'm not close with 2 of them but I'll keep this updated with how that goes by the end of the semester.

On a MUCH brighter note- I've made a new friend. He is rad.
•his own clothing company
•loves to cook, works at The Wooden Spoon
•pro BMX rider- has sponsors! (GATORADE) :O
•straightedge
•.....need I go on?

But I'm not holding my breath or getting attached or anything like that. Im glad we are friends and have been talking. So far so good. But again, nothing just yet.
He makes me smile though. And that's nice. Sometimes, that's all I need. Because really, I feel like I go long periods of time without truly smiling, and meaning it.

Tattoo nerves are kicking in as always.
Blake's birthday is in 2 (basically 1) day(s). I got him a new iPod touch screen and stereo/speaker system. I think he will like it.

I finally gave Dallas her vintage camera strap surprise. She loved it. (back in town to win Walker back)
Team Dallas ftw.

Umm what else.
Oh! Janna is going to be here on Thursday! I'm freaking out. It hasn't even hit me yet that I will actually be able to hug her. That should be a whole new emotion in and of itself.

So I think I've covered all that I needed to get off my chest. At least for the time being. (let's hope that this helps make me feel better like it has before.)

I feel like all these images sum up the past few weeks up to the present.

12:18am

RANT:
I'm getting the tattoo. Why can't you be like any other parent and accept the fact that I'm almost 20 and can do as I please.
I know I won't regret this. It has so much meaning and that's why I want this. I'm being responsible. I'm sorry- no you know what? I'm not sorry. I'm done being so fucking sorry all the time. Constantly I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Well this is where it ends. Sure, go right ahead and take me off your insurance and make me pay for everything I need. But you know what dad? What good will that do to our relationship? Will it make you feel better? Okay.. Go ahead. If it makes you feel better go right ahead. I'll stay on friends couches until you miss me. And after that, I may not want to come back. Ever though of that?
May want to open that boarded up mind of yours. Let some fucking light in.. Before you lose your daughter.

9:46pm

I've been house sitting since the 1st. It's been nice. The heat is only continuing. Which is shitty.

Maddie got her tattoo the other day. I held her hand and comforted her. She got a sprig of lavender on the side of her arm.

I have come to a conclusion.
As straight forward as it may sound- its just the truth. Looking at my life from a realist point of view.

My birthday wasn't so long ago. But it also seems as though it's coming up soon. In a matter of months. I'll be 20.
Which means if you round up, I've already spent 1/5th of my life. (assuming I live till I'm 100.)
And during these past few years I've come to really realize how I've been spending it. By making others happy. Living up to others expectations. Caring what people think. And I hate it. I miss being 7 years old and not wearing shoes. Climbing trees and not knowing what a metabolism was.
Yes, I do enjoy growing up and learning and experiencing new things. I just wish I could do everything I'd like.
The more I think about what I'm calling my "Timeline Theory" the more I want to say "fuck it"- and do everything I would like to so that I don't leave after my 100 years and say "I wish I'd done that."

I don't want to wish.
I want to remember.

After I get home from house sitting I'm talking to my dad about my computer. The one I'd like to purchase before school. The MacBook.

I'll give it a few more weeks perhaps, to talk to him about my tattoo.
I'm not quite certain about my font, but at least I know where I want it and the words obviously.

That is just my thoughts from the past few days.

It's getting late and I work tomorrow. (shocker!)

Goodnight, and until next time.