5:33pm

Last night I went to House of Horrors with Cru, Jake, and Courtney.
Went as I had planned. Shitty.
Jake and Courtney are still in that honeymoon stage and it makes me happy for her but sad at the same time. Kind of jealous.
Me and Cru are nothing and last night he just made that clear with his body language.
I was so fucking sad the entire night.

Then Courtney just text me saying how her and Jake just had sex. In Cru's house. While he was at work I guess.
I haven't even had sex with Cru at his house.
It's fucking bullshit. I want Cru to find out and get mad. Or something.. I'm just so frustrated and jealous and a shitty person. I'm just upset about so much and I'm not even sure what to do.

I feel like I could totally cry at any given moment.
FUCK.

Happy fucking Halloween to me..

11:36am

I had a feeling that today was going to be a good one, and so far I can't complain much. I had a test in Psych and I thought I would fail but I'm actually feeling pretty okay about it. And that is certainly a nice feeling.

Jake is staying in town for an extra night so I think that Cru, Courtney, Jake, and I will be hanging out and going to the House if Horrors.

I'm borderline giving up on Cru. As sad as it is to say. I just feel like there are other girls he talks to in the way that he used to talk to me.
It's a sad thing to think about, and I could completely change my mind by tonight depending on how things go.
Only time will tell.

But I did shave my legs and plan on looking cute..

12:25pm

I don't have long to write. My class starts at 12:30.
I just checked out Perks from the library since the person to check it out finally brought it back. I think it was overdue by 3 days.
I apologize for not posting back later last night after the movie. I was talking to Robbie and dealing with problems with Courtney. Too much that I couldn't handle it.

That movie just made me so emotional that even the thought of any scene made me want to cry.

I'm getting off subject. (Not that I had made one just yet. Only in my head.)
Anyways, for my class that I'm about to have (Personal Development.) I had to fill out a paper entitled "The Wise Choice Process"
Where I had to find a problem- and then 9 possible solutions to it.
I appropriately chose School. I said:
•I was in the wrong place
•I am wasting money
•I'm unhappy here

Some of my solutions were to make new friends that would help me study, sit in the front of the class, use my planner, etc.

Anyways as I was walking from the library just now to class- I passed an unfamiliar face and we looked at each other in he eyes. Quite briefly.. But it still happened. The sun was in my eyes but we still managed to make that connection.
It was nice.
He seemed nice.
Perhaps we shall pass each other again.

6:05pm

Reaction:
So here I am sitting in my dad's truck, I just got out of the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

And I couldn't have been more pleased. And walking out into the rain to drive home couldn't have been any more perfect. Anymore appropriate.
The feeling I get from watching a movie like that.
It's indescribable.

I'll try to when I get home.

7:21pm

Holy. Shit.

I don't even want to count the days.. {maybe even months at this point} since I last posted.
Much too much has happened since I last did though. And I mean A LOT.

I've been doing okay though.I think because it's October. And this just so happens to be my favourite month. I told myself on the 1st that nothing could bring me down this month. Because it really feels like Autumn and that is my favourite season. nothing can/should go wrong in the next 31 days. Right?

Meh.. debatable.

I guess I should kinda do a timeline type thing. {For the future me reading this.} So I won't get completely confused while rereading my past.

 Good grief.. I don't really want to type out all that has happened. Mainly because one thing-a major thing- I'm still deciding if it really happened or not. Which I suppose I don't really get to decide that or not.

On September 9, 2012 at approximately 1:20am I had sex. 

For the first time.

It wasn't my 'meaningful', 'storybook' night or anything like that. 

I was house sitting that night for my dad's best friend. I had a morning shift that day (Sunday) and he came in to work and got his usual cinnadough bagel, mentos and whatnot. We had spoken before but not much. Just the casual chit-chat. He never stayed long since he had to get back to work up the street.

That morning I was on the register ringing him up, and he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down his number. So I grabbed another and gave him mine.

"No, I don't need it," he said.

"You're going to text me."

"Nope, I don't do that. I'm old fashioned," I said to him as I gave him my note.

And that's where Ryan began. 

Not much conversation.

Asked me if I was busy tonight, and since I was house sitting- I said no.

We went to a movie.

The Words.

It was really good.

And then went and got coffee at The Curly Wolf.

Mistake Number 1.

Cru was there. Just as I thought he would be.

He took me there for the first time the night before. When I spent the night at his house. (not the first time.)

I was actually full on expecting to have sex with Cru that night. The 8th.

And it never happened, and I was slightly disappointed- but fine with that.

I wasn't "trying to fill the void" that I didn't get with Cru the night before with Ryan the next. Not in the slightest. I was not expecting to do anything like that with Ryan.

But we did and that's okay.

As aqward as it was to walk past Cru into the cafe at 11:00pm with a friend of his- I still did. And it was just fine. Sorta.

I felt bad. Like I had just fucked myself over. 

Lost all my chance with Cru. 

Ryan and I chatted a bit while he had coffee. I felt sick.

Then we finally got the guts to walk past Cru and strolled around Nevada City for a few minutes.

walked back to his truck and then he took me back to my car.

We got to talking a bit more. and then kissed. More kissing and we got closer.

He asked if I wanted to go somewhere.

I didn't really know what he meant by that but I said yes.

Mistake Number 2.

I don't really like calling it a mistake though. It wasn't. What happened happened. And I'm content with that.

Looking back, of course I wish I hadn't had sex for the first time with someone I didn't really know very well, on the first date, and in a truck.

All things I can't change. So I accept it.

I got to the house I was watching by 2am..  showered. and went to sleep for 3~ hours.

I had the morning shift technically that day.

Thank God Courtney was working that morning. I felt more sick about everything than I ever have about anything. More for the fact that I had just had sex for the first time. I could no longer call myself a virgin. That was something I took pride in. Something I would blatantly tell people and borderline rub in their face.

Now I had lost all that in one night.

And I was worried I had lost Cru too..

I felt like I had cheated- although we have no label at all other than friends.

I cried to Courtney for a solid 6 minutes. Give or take.

And I learned things about her that I didn't know before.

I got all my feelings out and felt so much better.

Cru doesn't know to this day- and wont ever know.

I'm still planning on having sex with him and soon.

He will be my first. 

He will have meaning.

Yes there are small details about Ryan I am withholding for now. But I will get to them another night.

Bigger News 

Thursday October 4th, at 11am

I did get my tattoo.

It wasn't nearly as painful as i thought it would be.. THANK GOODNESS.

And I could not be more pleased with it.

(well- I could.. but I'll explain that another day too.)

Dad had ignored me for about 4 days straight. Full on cold shoulder, avoiding eye contact, silent treatment, etc. The works. He was being the child in the situation and I was carrying on with my normal routine acting like myself. I think we are finally getting on better terms.

*Knock on wood*

Alright. Well I think I've covered the major/important information that has happened.

If I can think of anything else I will blog later tonight {unlikely} or within the next few days.

I think I was just letting it all soak in fr myself before I put down into words the whole idea of it.

Once it is down on paper, it's forever. concrete.

And now that I have it out of my system I can blog again. 

Which has been very necessary with all the drama and bullshit I've been dealing with. But I knew that I couldn't write about those bullshit feeling I was just feeling without writing about all the bullshit I'd done that still had yet to be written.

Understand?

Good. I thought you would.

Alright- I'm really leaving this time. Goodnight, and Que Sera, Sera.