So where do I begin?
I should have documented on the exact day, but I was a bit overwhelmed.
On May 4th my mom came into Caroline's. What I'd been having nightmares about ever since I got the job. It had been maybe about 5~ years since my last actual visit. I think my junior year of high school was about the time.
She showed up with Brad. It wasn't much of a visit. We were in the middle of a rush. I was in the back by the toaster when I saw her. Practically having a conversation with Beau. And just walked right out. Instinctually came around the counter and gave her a hug. Looked at Emmit and mouthed "this is my mom".
It was like straight out of a movie.
It was like straight out of a movie.
Although he could tell. Something in him knew it was her when she walked in, and the minute I walked out from behind the espresso machine- he was sure. I made her a drink and had small talk between customers.
Mentioned Blake's arm. How he had a cast and if he was alright. I asked her how she knew about that and she stumbled out "oh the hospital called me, and sent me a bill."
I rolled my eyes and continued on.
It's a little hard to almost recall it all even after a few days. There wasn't much to be said, seeing as how not much happened. But just as any other unplanned visit I couldn't function properly. Between each drink my hands were shaking. I had to remind myself to breathe. Counted the minutes till she left.
Allowed others to take their lunch before me so I wouldn't be gifting her with a full 30 attentive minutes of my life. But she never asked if I had a lunch, She didn't want me for that long. Because God only knows what I could be capable of. She was far too nervous that I would interrogate her, I'm sure. So we both lucked out on that part. Neither of us had to commit to anything.
There were some very uncomfortable moments that stuck with me. One I already mentioned- Blake and his cast. Then she continued to bring up events and such that she would have no way of knowing unless she saw photos or read somewhere on a Facebook page.
The whole time she was there she would look at me and say how "into this" she was, how pretty I was, and things to that effect. Just trying to soak me all in.
Not only was she staring at me she kept her eyes fairly locked on Emmit. She knew who he was without even an introduction.
Just a bit before she left she pulled me aside- since the rush had finally died down -and asked me about my tattoos, hair, school, interests, etc. (When I defined Que Sera, Sera she took a minute and nodded and said she liked it. Completely oblivious to the fact it has so much to do with her. I got so warm and angry when I defined it that I want to just yell. Rub it in her face and show her how much it means to me that I'm a powerful individual without her.)
Anyways- back to her making me feel uncomfortable..
She tries to make small talk while asking personal questions.
After talking a bit about life, of course she asks if I have a boyfriend. I say yes I do and then she decides to follow that up with.... does he work here?
I stumble over hearing such a precise question that she already knew the answer to.
Of all the possible ways for you to ask me that? Really.. you could have done a little better at hiding the fact that you are stalking me via the Internet. So I answer and say yes, actually he does. The minute after she looks over at Emmit. And that's where our conversation stopped.
We hugged goodbye. She told me she loved me and things moms are supposed to say. And it was so hard to say it back and not want to mean it as much as I did. Hard not to squeeze a bit tighter, hold on maybe a bit too long. She brought me int this world and walked right out of it without as much as an explanation. So although I felt completely violated I still ached for the long lost women I hadn't seen in years.
She looked awful. Her hair was longer than the last time I'd seen her. But just as curly. Its starting to grey in the front. It's odd that she would let it grow out like that since I'd grown up remembering grandma dying it. She always gave me the little packets of conditioner since she only used the shampoo. It always made my hair so soft.
Her teeth are just as nonexistent as ever. I'm not quite sure who she is fooling with that mouth guard type thing.
Which she sort of has on the bottom now. Although its not pristine and leveled down like the top. It's more like a dull grey brown.
She doesn't seem any thinner than the last time I saw her. Her chest has flattened out a tad but she has always been fairly little in more places. Never overweight, although she would disagree.
Her bangs are crazy but fit her, her penciled on eyebrows are absolutely atrocious. Utterly absurd and look that of a clown. Yet somehow I see past them. I've always known her to draw them on, but she had a better artists eye back then apparently. Hasn't quite kept up with the ages.
She just looks like she is withering away from ever being someone I knew.
I had some courage to ask her some questions myself. Finally gathered some up and played her games back. Tried to ask her some questions nonchalantly. I asked things like "what are you doing today? essentially, "why are you here?'" She told me she "just wanted to go for a drive and see me." Nothing about trying to see Blake might I add. Which I suppose is what I was trying to get down to. Wondered if she was going to try and see him too. Which she didn't. She mentioned how "grandma is loosing her memory. All of her family is dying".. how convenient that one of her brothers died a few days prior and the memorial was held the day before she 'came to see me'.
I asked where she was at now, I found out that she lives in Lincoln. She replied with "you didn't know that?" I said "no. I wasn't sure."
It has been a few days since she stopped in. And it's already starting to become difficult to recall everything that was said.
Which like I said before, all in all wasn't much.
After she left I went on my lunch and instantly called my dad. Without hesitation burst into tears. All I had to say was "Guess who came into Caroline's.." and he knew. He sympathized and told me to call Charisse. I did and she sympathized as well, but mores got upset. She was pissed that she felt it was okay to just stop by. Oh, I forgot to mention that she had called prior to making her trip. She called the store and asked if I as working today. Corrie answered and said yes. That was all she needed to know and hung up. I asked Corrie about it, like if it was a man or woman that asked and she said woman but that was all she knew.
So by the end of Charisse and I's conversation she asked me to send her the number I had for her. She asked if I wanted her to call her and tell her to stop. I said I wasn't sure. Trying to grasp the idea of my mom completely staying away. That would mean I would never know where she lived. If she was alive or not. I wouldn't have any hope lying in the back of my mind of her ever sending the happy holiday's texts (which stopped about a year or two ago..) but when I got them, at least I knew she was still breathing.
Trying to grasp the concept of her disappearing entirely was a bit too much for me to handle in that moment. But I sent her our mom's telephone number because she decided it was best for her to call. I told her I needed to know exactly what she said and how she responded. She ended up leaving a voicemail. All she told me was that she made it clear how she felt and had a tone in doing so. didn't leave me with much..
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Just the other day she text me and let me know that she had 2 big boxes full of memories and things blake and I might want. I told her I'm sure we would like them and that I'd be happy to meet her again to grab them when she decide to make another trip into Grass Valley. Which of course opened a can of worms entailing 'if we had moved' and 'why don't you want me to know' etc.. I didn't want her to know where we lived obviously and I could tell she was beginning to get upset. I told her I'd meet her halfway at Target or anything. Tried to make things easier on her and everything. She eventually stopped replying after I told her I could do it on Saturday since I didn't have work and I sure as hell wasn't going to put myself into the awful situation of meeting her today.. Mothers Day.
She finally replied Saturday telling me that she wouldn't make it down that day. Brad wasn't feeling well. He was in the hospital and has been in and out for a week or so. I didn't care much so I replied with, "that's alright, hope everything is okay." She tried to continue the conversation but I wasn't having it. We were moving that day and I wasn't going to waste my time on her continuing to flake on me.
I haven't heard from her since. But we are just about all moved in. Stayed our first night there and it feels nice.
Trying to spend my energy looking at the positives although a lot more is on my plate than ever before. But I'll save that for a few days from now perhaps. I know I should just continue and describe what is going on in my life but I really need that to be in a completely separate post. So until I find time to get back into a cafe with internet (none at home yet with the move.) my brain will just have to hold tight.
It feels nice to finally push myself and put this moment into words.
