10:10pm

The little green monster is coming out and I really want it to go away.

I'm not really envious, I have you.

But seeing that there is still contact being made and it's somewhat hidden is worrisome. But not really even, I understand you are friends but when it kinda seems like you don't want me to know that's when my stomach get queezy.

I hate myself for starting to get like this. This isn't who I am.

Yeah you guys snap chat. Or comment or like photos on Facebook or Instagram.. (And I think it's wise that she doesn't follow either of us any longer and it's great that she has found someone new) I just need to remind myself you guys stayed friends. And Sam and I did not. Not that I'm in anyway jealous that you remained friends with an ex and I didn't- it's not that at all.

I guess I just am a little jealous.

We never snap anymore. And it sounds fucking stupid to be getting even the slightest bit upset over but like I've said before- I 100% trust you. I just can't trust her. Not with her personality and past/current/continuing disorders.

And so many changes are happening right now in my world like the official move into the new house and trying to get a new job. Not to mention the thought of you leaving me for a month.

It's a shit ton to really grasp. And I'm doing my best to keep up but I really would rather have her not be something I need to worry about. And that is so selfish of me to even say- I know. But this is my safe place and I need to say it.

If you would just openly tell me that you guys are talking regularly, I would be fine. I would have no choice but to grasp that and understand. Sure it may be kinda hard to hear but at least you had the guts to be honest with me. I can't even be completely honest with you.. I have to come to a fucking blog and write how I feel in hopes of you reading it. I'm still nervous and I get a sick feeling in my stomach when her name is brought up. I'm sorry but it's the truth.

I just spent the day with you. You went back to your place since you work in the morning and I went to mine. But I already miss you. I feel like I'm overdoing it sometimes and borderline klingly and that freaks me out. I hate those kind of people.. And now I worry I may be too smothering. But I have never felt so attached and protective of another person before. I was the kind of person who had never seen a healthy relationship so I didn't believe love existed. And now I feel this.. This strong desire for you. I love you Emmit. So much it hurts sometimes. And I scare myself sometimes thinking about the future and even the present but I just know I want you in it. 100%.

As much as you'll have me in it.

I don't want to be jealous. I want to just love you. I tell myself to just put my little feelings in the back of my head when it comes to you and her, but now I'm just scaring myself. And I need you to tell me I'm fine. We are totally fine (although I already know) and that she is nothing to worry about. I just need you to tell me what is going on in that head of yours. Just talk to me. Tell me whatever, even if it may be something I don't want to hear, because at least then I won't make up my own stories and then have to go to bed and have bad dreams like I have been.

Stop Monica. Just stop. Your relationship is fine. Don't put shit in places when there is nothing wrong. 

11:25pm .. 8:23pm

{Author's note: this post took me several days to finally put together. I dragged it out as long as possible. But having it still meander in my head for as long as I've allowed it has become unhealthy. More so than the event itself.}

So where do I begin?

I should have documented on the exact day, but I was a bit overwhelmed.

On May 4th my mom came into Caroline's. What I'd been having nightmares about ever since I got the job. It had been maybe about 5~ years since my last actual visit. I think my junior year of high school was about the time.

She showed up with Brad. It wasn't much of a visit. We were in the middle of a rush. I was in the back by the toaster when I saw her. Practically having a conversation with Beau. And just walked right out. Instinctually came around the counter and gave her a hug. Looked at Emmit and mouthed "this is my mom".

It was like straight out of a movie.

Although he could tell. Something in him knew it was her when she walked in, and the minute I walked out from behind the espresso machine- he was sure. I made her a drink and had small talk between customers.

Mentioned Blake's arm. How he had a cast and if he was alright. I asked her how she knew about that and she stumbled out "oh the hospital called me, and sent me a bill."

I rolled my eyes and continued on.

It's a little hard to almost recall it all even after a few days. There wasn't much to be said, seeing as how not much happened. But just as any other unplanned visit I couldn't function properly. Between each drink my hands were shaking. I had to remind myself to breathe. Counted the minutes till she left.

Allowed others to take their lunch before me so I wouldn't be gifting her with a full 30 attentive minutes of my life. But she never asked if I had a lunch, She didn't want me for that long. Because God only knows what I could be capable of. She was far too nervous that I would interrogate her, I'm sure. So we both lucked out on that part. Neither of us had to commit to anything.

There were some very uncomfortable moments that stuck with me. One I already mentioned- Blake and his cast. Then she continued to bring up events and such that she would have no way of knowing unless she saw photos or read somewhere on a Facebook page.
The whole time she was there she would look at me and say how "into this" she was, how pretty I was, and things to that effect. Just trying to soak me all in.
Not only was she staring at me she kept her eyes fairly locked on Emmit. She knew who he was without even an introduction.
Just a bit before she left she pulled me aside- since the rush had finally died down -and asked me about my tattoos, hair, school, interests, etc. (When I defined Que Sera, Sera she took a minute and nodded and said she liked it. Completely oblivious to the fact it has so much to do with her. I got so warm and angry when I defined it that I want to just yell. Rub it in her face and show her how much it means to me that I'm a powerful individual without her.)
Anyways- back to her making me feel uncomfortable..
She tries to make small talk while asking personal questions.
After talking a bit about life, of course she asks if I have a boyfriend. I say yes I do and then she decides to follow that up with.... does he work here?
I stumble over hearing such a precise question that she already knew the answer to.

Of all the possible ways for you to ask me that? Really.. you could have done a little better at hiding the fact that you are stalking me via the Internet. So I answer and say yes, actually he does. The minute after she looks over at Emmit. And that's where our conversation stopped.
We hugged goodbye. She told me she loved me and things moms are supposed to say. And it was so hard to say it back and not want to mean it as much as I did. Hard not to squeeze a bit tighter, hold on maybe a bit too long. She brought me int this world and walked right out of it without as much as an explanation. So although I felt completely violated I still ached for the long lost women I hadn't seen in years.
She looked awful. Her hair was longer than the last time I'd seen her. But just as curly. Its starting to grey in the front. It's odd that she would let it grow out like that since I'd grown up remembering grandma dying it. She always gave me the little packets of conditioner since she only used the shampoo. It always made my hair so soft.
Her teeth are just as nonexistent as ever. I'm not quite sure who she is fooling with that mouth guard type thing.
Which she sort of has on the bottom now. Although its not pristine and leveled down like the top. It's more like a dull grey brown.
She doesn't seem any thinner than the last time I saw her. Her chest has flattened out a tad but she has always been fairly little in more places. Never overweight, although she would disagree.
Her bangs are crazy but fit her, her penciled on eyebrows are absolutely atrocious. Utterly absurd and look that of a clown. Yet somehow I see past them. I've always known her to draw them on, but she had a better artists eye back then apparently. Hasn't quite kept up with the ages.

She just looks like she is withering away from ever being someone I knew.

I had some courage to ask her some questions myself. Finally gathered some up and played her games back. Tried to ask her some questions nonchalantly. I asked things like "what are you doing today? essentially, "why are you here?'" She told me she "just wanted to go for a drive and see me." Nothing about trying to see Blake might I add. Which I suppose is what I was trying to get down to. Wondered if she was going to try and see him too. Which she didn't. She mentioned how "grandma is loosing her memory. All of her family is dying".. how convenient that one of her brothers died a few days prior and the memorial was held the day before she 'came to see me'.
I asked where she was at now, I found out that she lives in Lincoln. She replied with "you didn't know that?" I said "no. I wasn't sure."

It has been a few days since she stopped in. And it's already starting to become difficult to recall everything that was said.
Which like I said before, all in all wasn't much.

After she left I went on my lunch and instantly called my dad. Without hesitation burst into tears. All I had to say was "Guess who came into Caroline's.." and he knew. He sympathized and told me to call Charisse. I did and she sympathized as well, but mores got upset. She was pissed that she felt it was okay to just stop by. Oh, I forgot to mention that she had called prior to making her trip. She called the store and asked if I as working today. Corrie answered and said yes. That was all she needed to know and hung up. I asked Corrie about it, like if it was a man or  woman that asked and she said woman but that was all she knew.
So by the end of Charisse and I's conversation she asked me to send her the number I had for her. She asked if I wanted her to call her and tell her to stop. I said I wasn't sure. Trying to grasp the idea of my mom completely staying away. That would mean I would never know where she lived. If she was alive or not. I wouldn't have any hope lying in the back of my mind of her ever sending the happy holiday's texts (which stopped about a year or two ago..) but when I got them, at least I knew she was still breathing.
Trying to grasp the concept of her disappearing entirely was a bit too much for me to handle in that moment. But I sent her our mom's telephone number because she decided it was best for her to call. I told her I needed to know exactly what she said and how she responded. She ended up leaving a voicemail. All she told me was that she made it clear how she felt and had a tone in doing so. didn't leave me with much..
<-------->
Just the other day she text me and let me know that she had 2 big boxes full of memories and things blake and I might want. I told her I'm sure we would like them and that I'd be happy to meet her again to grab them when she decide to make another trip into Grass Valley. Which of course opened a can of worms entailing 'if we had moved' and 'why don't you want me to know' etc.. I didn't want her to know where we lived obviously and I could tell she was beginning to get upset. I told her I'd meet her halfway at Target or anything. Tried to make things easier on her and everything. She eventually stopped replying after I told her I could do it on Saturday since I didn't have work and I sure as hell wasn't going to put myself into the awful situation of meeting her today.. Mothers Day.
She finally replied Saturday telling me that she wouldn't make it down that day. Brad wasn't feeling well. He was in the hospital and has been in and out for a week or so. I didn't care much so I replied with, "that's alright, hope everything is okay." She tried to continue the conversation but I wasn't having it. We were moving that day and I wasn't going to waste my time on her continuing to flake on me.

I haven't heard from her since. But we are just about all moved in. Stayed our first night there and it feels nice.

Trying to spend my energy looking at the positives although a lot more is on my plate than ever before. But I'll save that for a few days from now perhaps. I know I should just continue and describe what is going on in my life but I really need that to be in a completely separate post. So until I find time to get back into a cafe with internet (none at home yet with the move.) my brain will just have to hold tight.

It feels nice to finally push myself and put this moment into words.

11:17am

The car show was a few days ago. And of course it was busy. There was a moment when I asked for a small amount of help from Courtney. Things weren't handled well on her part, and I felt I couldn't have done anything better.

I started this post perhaps a week or so ago. And I stopped since I was busy. I ended up scaring myself into believing I was to be fired do to Courtney. This did not happen but it was just another moment when I realized how two faced and vindictive she could be.

It has continued to be rough at Carolines. 

<----------------->

3:10pm

Things I've recently noticed about myself:

• I love listening to my dad sing, even if they are country songs.

• I love listening to people play instruments in unsual places or out in the open for all to hear.

• I miss having deep conversations with my aunt, but I'm happy for her new life with the twins.

• My problems are my own.

• And so is my future.

• I favor purple and blue flowers, since they are more uncommon I suppose.

A small sketch to live by. Even if it is just a cat and some arrows. 

11:21am

I'm really feeling all these creative juices flowing through my bloodstream. Making the time to go and take photos. Commiting to actually doing it and using my hands more than ever.

Danielle came in today and although she can be a bit eccentric at times, I enjoy or deep conversations. She got goosebumps when I told her about Fools Gold. And that excites me even more.

I had my talk with Holly. And half if it went well and the other half was just whatever. She thanked me and expressed her appreciation for me staying and making a change in my work pattern. But still had some things to critique. I told her how I felt about Avery and her phone problem, as well as how I feel about other supervisors and how I felt singled out, etc..

When it came to me explaining how I felt it seemed like she just told me to keep changing the way I am. Like "oh, it's just because you're still in your head and need to not focus so much on that." Or "you're nit-picking, you need to not nit-pick."

Which hurts. I don't like being told I have to change. That's the one thing I feel very strongly about. So we will see where it goes. She went out if town and we won't meet until next week but for now "I think things are good where they are now" so I'm still not a supervisor. I just have lots of feeling towards all that, so I'm just trying to to focus on them. Put my energy towards my project.

Off my lunch-

Ps- 6 months with Emmit on the 11th. Kinda neat. (:

11:29am

Progress:

Ps, since yesterday we were short staffed, Holly moved our meeting to today. So thats something to look forward to.. So much sarcasm in that..

9:58pm

Didn't get up early and take photos this morning. I woke up when my alarm wen off, but I was exhausted and let myself fall back to sleep but for only a few minutes. As I was drifting back I remembered that Emmit still had my tripod. Which was very necessary in my endeavor. So I scratched my whole idea and let myself sleep in. I finally woke up a few hours later, showered, and got ready for my day. Didn't do too much, but a few small errands.
Got called into work early since they would soon be short staffed.
Close was fine and we got out at a normal time. Which left me with extra time and sunlight. And since my mooring didn't quite go as planned- I felt that I owed it to myself to capture some sunset shots. I thought I had planned it just about perfectly with my timing. The sun was supposed to set at 7:36pm and I got to my planned spot by 7. I was chasing light a little bit then slowly ended up giving up once a horse decided it didn't want me in its pasture. So I took that as a sign it was time to go home. It was nice to edit again, although I don't exactly enjoy being the subject.. I went with it.
All in all these are my result of 30 minutes of shooting without a remote while trespassing.

I suppose it's a start. Need some work and probably a new lens (or whole different camera..) But that's a whole other trek. Ugh.