9:11pm

Took Krisanna home a few hours ago. Yesterday was nice. She and I went to the movies with Siege and his friend Andrew. Not like a double date or anything, just 4 people eager to see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Which ended up being a fucking amazing movie. Rape scenes and all....
It was heavy, but certainly worth viewing. Almost 3 hours of pure rush.

But enough about the movie, we may come back to that.

I was very eager to see him and of course, the expected happened.
It's hard to be mad or get upset at (what I guess is..) your best friend. That title is a fucking joke. I just keep getting dropped on my face by each and every "best friend" I've ever had. Most of which all happened in the past 2 years. Which also is a joke.
Some times I wonder if it's me, if I'm doing something wrong?
But then I remember, I like who I am. I like that I don't drink or smoke or have sex. All the things I haven't done make me who I am.

I'm drifting....anyways I could see the way he looked at her. Talked at her. Yes, at. Bragged just like he did the first time we met.. It just sucks that she is so beautiful. Every fucking guy.. I throw myself at these people and her awkwardness just makes them swoon. So what am I supposed to do? What the fuck do you want from me?

I love her like a sister, but I feel like I can't bring her anywhere with me. Not If I'm going to see the person whom I fancy..

She could see it. She knew what was happening. Because she said she felt bad. I think she just meant the hug goodbye, but I just didn't think about any of it. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. I just wanted him to act the way he did the first or third time we were together.
But of course, from the moment I invited her, in knew what I was getting myself into..
Just fucking sucks so bad that that is the way my friendship works.

Even before we were friends I would see her and just admire her beauty. I knew it ever since last year before we became friends that she could win over the hearts of any by passer, because she'd done the exact thing to me.
Now here we are, me calling her my "best friend" and ALMOST regretting the moment I had ever laid eyes on her.
Though, had I known she would become close to me and yet also win over the hearts of each guy I would grow to fancy, I still would let it happen. Because I love her. She is practically family. But I won't stop saying just how hard it is for me.

I get so technical in my thinking about it. Is it my teeth/braces, the shape of my face, my hair colour, my eye colour, my body, my height, my legs, my ankles, my cheeks, my clothes, my voice, my laugh, my personality....me?
What about me isn't good enough. What part of me do I need to change?
I just wish I had answers.

You hear all the time, "Oh women, they are horrible. They always go for the jerks, or the cool guys.. Once you have them you never know what they want."

Well here's to you gentlemen..

YOU ARE JUSTS THE SAME IF NOT EVEN WORSE.
We women change everything for you. We put shit on our faces to make you look at us and maybe just smile? We do so much for so little of you.

I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm not beautiful or drop dead gorgeous either. But I'm not ugly. I've tried so damn hard for too damn long for what? For my "best friend" to go and be just "awkward" enough to win them over. Or sometimes all it takes is a picture, that I have taken.. She doesn't have to do SHIT. And they beg for her.
For me it's the total reversal. And I just don't know what to do anymore.

So I'm done. I'm done for the night. I can type no more without getting myself overworked. So that's all. All I have to say about that.

Tomorrow is December 31st. New Years Eve.
I want 2012 to be the start of a better life for me. (and I'm sure I said that about 2011.) (which turned to shit.)
But I'm going to make sure this is different. This will be my year. I'll make sure of it. Somehow..