8:20pm

I'm proficient in overreacting. It's something I am aware of and need to work on.

So now that I can get past that, I can honestly say I'm feeling sorta lonely.

Wish Em was here, just watching movies with me. Just want him in my big queen bed.

It's too damn hot out. Especially to work in a coffeeshop.

The fair is coming up, which I'm excited for. What else.. We just hired 2 new girls. They don't seem too bad.

I need to shower and get to bed.

Anyways. Love and miss my Emmit tonight. Probably just hanging with his buds, but haven't talked to him much today. 

11:01am

Don't fall back into your old ways Monica.

<------------------>

I never really made it clear that Emmit is now back. We have spent a few nights together since he has been back but really quite a bit of time has gone to his friends. Sure I'm a bit jealous but it's nothing I wasn't expecting. I'm just glad to have him home.

The other day I opened so I didn't get off work until 2pm. The gang had planned on going rafting down Parks Bar which sounds like a lot of fun, but that was planned for noon. So I wasn't able to go. Neither was Maddie or Aidan- which made me feel better. But still pretty bummed.
It's kind of hard to go from having someone for several months and then going 2 months without. Having to adjust to that and then go back to having the person.
Being independent, being understandable, being independent, letting go, holding on, etc. It's getting kinda crazy over here. My body and brain can only handle so much.

So it's fine, I know I can't spend as much time as I would love to, so I'll go hang out with Scout. Go to a movie alone. Give you space. Try not to worry or over think. Keep my minds wanderings to myself. Let you do your thing and if I can fit in places where there is time then I'll savor those. Being together but giving space. It's a hard place to be, and I realize I'm putting myself there, but it's the vibe I'm getting. We can't rush back into our old ways.
But it's not easy just hanging out with a dog all the time. Luckily I have Sophie, but not for long. She will move in about a month. I need more friends.


And here I thought that things were looking up..
Well at least yesterday. Since I had the late afternoon to myself with Scout I thought I would try and mess with my camera more. Really mess with it. Put it on all manual settings and test myself to read light. And I did it! Sure the display of most of them still looked fairly muted, the overall photos after upload seemed to need hardly any editing. Which made me very happy.
So my #ISpyScout portion of Fools Gold is coming together. At least I feel like it is.
I even tried to make an Instagram for Fools Gold and it worked! After all the attempts I had made in the past month or so and no names were available it worked. I entered in the email for FG and it created the name for me. I can always alter it if I need but at least I have something to call mine and put photos on.

<----------------->

A few days ago Emmit and I went to his mom's so that he can find out how much money he owes her while he was away. And I got to use the wifi while they discussed.
I had finally started researching schools a bit and programs. Taking notes.. actually doing something and planning for my future. Which has always and will continue to freak me out. But I was actually getting very excited? Like, I wasn't prepared to actually have fun. But now that I have made the decision to focus on Sign Language I have a jumping off point. Looking at what schools have to offer me is kinda cool. See what I have to get done and create a check list. This is what helps me breathe, which I have been having troubles with lately.
So add that the list of 'good things that have happened to me lately.'

<--------------->

Dad and I have been having small talks. Good ones but more heartfelt. Even if they aren't full conversations, they are things that made me think. Mainly since Blake got in his accident he needs someone to confide in. So anyways last night we were sitting outside looking at Blake's truck and just realizing how much damage was there and would parts could be saved. Then he points to Emmit's bracelet he brought back from Peru for me, and says who gave me that? (as a joke since he knew).
Then he jokes and says next thing you know he'll be giving you a diamond. So I joke back saying well thats the goal. He gets a little more serious and starts asking me if we had talked about that. I said no, but smaller also kinda serious talks.
"Like moving in together?"
"Yeah a little bit. I'd like to."
"Cause you're sick of me huh?"
And then we both started to laugh and I kissed him on the cheek.
But it was in that moment I felt not scared to tell my dad about my plans for school and moving eventually and doing all this with Emmit. He seemed not so scary and almost hopeful for me for lack of a better word. So lets add that to the list of good things too.

<--------------->

Well, I work soon. And I'm not entirely excited for that. Kinda just have a bad feeling. I realize I'm taking it out on Emmit. It may just be my jealousy and curiosity as to why he has something blue on his neck and glitter.... Not the best thing to notice first thing walking into Carolines.
I almost don't want to know. But of course I do. I have finally come to terms with the smoking pot which I think was really big of me.. I just don't want it to escalate into anything else. He is a curious person- but his friends have been doing mushrooms and Aidan wants to do LSD.. Pot is one thing but I'm not okay with those. Cigarettes or anything. I won't stand for it. Then we will be so off balance on the fairness of this relationship and what each of us are compromising. And I'm not quite sure what he has compromised for me come to think of it. I thought I knew but then that was a lie.

I'm getting myself worked up over stuff from the past that shouldn't be brought up anymore. I need to breathe and not let it all effect me while at work. Knowing me, it may be kinda hard. I'm not the best at taking my own advice.

9:46pm

In my head maybe around 6:45~ I wanted something to happen. I felt like tonight was going to be kinda boring. Mellow and I didn't want to stay home. A few minutes later my dad comes to my room and says, "I need you to drive me to Blake. He rolled his truck."

My eyeballs sunk to my stomach.

I changed into some black pants and moccasins and headed for the door. This was not what I had wanted. Not what I had planned for. But then again, no one plans for an accident. 

Since dad had a beer or 2 I drove to a road near the fairgrounds where Blake was heading to his friends house.

Dad was pissed the whole way there, critiquing my driving and whatnot. He said he just wanted to throw something even, which was a slightly new side to my dad than I had seen before.

I tried my best to calm him down. We turned onto the road where Blake and his truck were and saw sirens. My stomach is turning and then I saw his truck. It was like I had no control over my mouth. My jaw dropped and my heart raced. Never had I been in this scenario. I was always the one who made the call to be rescued. Well.. Twice.

I knew Blake was a daredevil but I never really imagined it would catch up with him. For the most part I understood he was safe. Against texting and driving. Wouldn't ever drink and get behind the wheel.. But he certainly had a need for speed.

It wasn't until many minutes after we parked and got out of the truck to console him that I really got emotional. I walked over to the truck on my own to get his Caroline's sweatshirt and it really sunk in how badly this crash was.

My brother could have died.

The thought can really only marinade in my head. Never fully sink in. Even if it had happened I still couldn't fathom it.

He was a mess himself. Even for hours after the accident. I got to play mom and really try my hardest to make him feel okay. He had trouble talking and putting into words what happened or how he felt. What he remembered. Still a bit shook up in his brain I guess. But all in all he is fine. We are all so lucky. 

His friend who is a bit taller was in the passenger seat, and the roof of the car caved in a bit more on his side so his head was hit a slight bit. Blake was the one to point it out after they had crawled out the back window that no longer had glass. He was brought to the hospital which is good. And he is ultimately fine, but on my dads financial side it's going to hit him hard. To have another 'at fault' accident in his record but to add injury to it won't be fun. And the hospital is doing their job, but probably going full force in something that may not need all the attention. Granted we want everything done to make sure that Conner is 100% okay.

I sent Emmit a photo of the scene and he was nothing but supportive the whole time. Caring and there for myself as well as my brother. I couldn't ask for more then that when all our heads are spinning. And now I give him things to worry about. He sure is a trooper. 

So now I get to play mom as well as Switzerland. Safe zone and whatnot. Console Blake to realize that no one hates him for what he did. Nor will it effect anyone's trust in him. And in the end it will all be okay. Etc.

And to my dad that yes, financially this blows. But if anyone can handle this, it's him. And I am here. And he still has a son. And I a brother. Trucks brake, and money is spent. But lives cannot be returned.

And I am so greatful for the way this played out. Blake said that while his truck was spinning he was in the middle of talking to Conner. And then it happened. But all the while he was realizing what was going on- he knew he would be okay. It was all slow motion to him. And the entire time he knew he would make it. Just goes to show you how cool my brother is. That's a pretty positive thought to have as you are in the middle of a near death experience.

We are all a bit shook up, but this will pass. It's a learning experience. And that's it. What happenes now is so little. The tiniest of my cares in comparison the the fact that we are all okay. I don't want to get repetitive, but I need to write. I haven't for a while and since I work in the morning I needed some closure for the night. I'm sure I'll report back with what comes of all this but for now I should sleep.  

8:58am

Yesterday was good. Very good. I worked in the morning, then after my shift hung out at Uncle Jimmy's and watched Netflix. Around 6 I met up with Sophie at Caroline's since she would be off work soon after. We wanted to go to dinner as a last hoorah before Emmit comes home. Beau also closed so of course it turned into the three amigos.

We just went to Briar Patch. Nice simple and healthy. After that we drove back to Caroline's where Sophie parked her car. It was still light out and absolutely wonderful weather so we decided to walk around town a bit.

Which eventually led me to the idea of swings at Hennesy. 

Best. Idea. Ever.

Perfect way to end an evening. Just playing around on old school equipment. Sing and laughing.

Swings make me very emotional. But anyone who is my friend already knew that.. I got such a surge of happiness and even gratefulness for knowing beau and Sophie and having them as friends.

I was in a weird state of mind too. Completely sober- just thinking about how excited I was to see you tomorrow. Pick you up from the bus station. I never thought this day would come.

And now here it is!! This is the morning of the day I get to see you again! It's unreal. But oh how it is so real!

Okay okay- I'm beginning to sound weird. I'm just excited. I love you so much and missed you like crazy. I've grown so used to you now being here that it is weird to imagine you back. Just going back to normal.

Or something like it. We will just have to see. I haven't kissed you in so long I have forgotten what your lips feel like. And that is the worst feeling on the planet. So that is what I'm looking forward to most: your lips.

So in roughly 13 hours from now I get to remember what your body is like. Your lips connected to mine. And I couldn't be happier. 

2:32pm

Sophie and I got away for a bit. 

I could have stayed forever. 

10:47am

On my lunch break so I have to make this quick, but I'm having a good day!

I meant to post a few days ago, I had a customer in the morning. A nice man who was probably in his late 30s maybe? He came in around 6~ and so we had just opened. He gave me a $100 bill and I knew I wasn't going to be able to break it that early so I just said it was on me. He was appreciative and got his coffee asked my name, and thanked me again as he left.

Hours later probably around 10~ he came back with a $10 bill. He said this is for you. You were so kind this morning. I said he didn't have to do that really.. And to that he replied with "oh I know, all I have to do is die" and so I took the money and thanked him again. Put it in the tip jar and just kinda marinated on what had just happened. It pays off to be kind. And he was right. All you really have to do is die. Because at the end of all this that's what we do. All the inbetween is just filler. What you make it. It was a good interaction that really stuck with me.

I've been pretty tired latey, working lots of morning shifts (for which I am greatful) don't get me wrong. And then spending time with friends. I've had Sophie sleep over and Alannah in ine week. As well as spent the night at Sophie's. And spent an afternoon with Dallas being artsy. I've been keeping busy. I finished yet another book. And the ending was really nice. Which is rare for me!

Let's see what else.. Elsa is gone via a few days ago. Only a week or so more until everyone comes back. So I'm getting excited. I had a moment last night at Thursday Night Market while I was standing with Sunny and Beau listening to the bands play, where all I saw was the moon. It was impossible not to see. Being as big and bright as it was. I had to point it out to everyone. But none of them were as amazed as I was.

But I felt the need to send you a message and tell you about it. Knowing you wouldn't see it for a matter of days since you are scaling a mountain and all.. But I got a warm feeling inside knowing you were looking and sleeping under the same moon. For a moment you didn't feel so far away. And as much as the lonley feeling tried to overpower the rest, I felt a lot of love for you. I felt excitement as well as contentment. Knowing that it wasn't much longer before I could hug you again. As I've been picturing the whole scenario in my head nonstop for the past few days.

Setting aside any negative or worried thoughts I could possibly conjure up for when that moment comes.

So this is me feeling happy and excited for the time we have been apart and able to spend with friends and get closer to them. This is me being positive and hopeful for keeping up with these friendships I have made stronger.

Go me.

7:56pm

Dad is back from camping with Blake for the 4th.

And I wish he had never come back.

Hasn't said one nice thing to me. This day just gets better and better. 

Fuck off asshole. 

7:53pm

Hello my darling,

By now you only have two more weeks away from my loving grasp. You've become quite the adventure, and your dad is convinced you're a natural Peruvian. I think he may be a tad jealous, in my honest opinion. He's cute.

I've spent so much time with your family while you've been away! I'm pretty sure it's safe to say they like me. Which I'm pretty gosh darn giddy about.

I'm currently sitting outside my house with good ol' Scout and listening to my neighbour Nate whistle in his shop. Made me think how great of a whistler you are. Lots of things remind me of you these days. Which can be nice, but also sort of sad. I wasn't prepared to miss you so much, but man do I..

I've only cried I think four times all the days you've been gone for. I'm actually quite impressed with myself. Sophie says I'm really strong. I'd have to agree.

I can't wait to see all your photos and hear all your stories. You have a lot of catching up to do with your life.... And Orange is the New Black. (I didn't mean to start season two.. it just happened..) but the episodes are so good I have no problem re watching.

Let's see.. you missed a few birthdays- Sophie's was fun- but I was texting you nearly the whole time. Alannah just got promoted to supervisor – I'm totally stoked for her – but it also grinds my gears a little bit. Bella was in town and I've decided I adore her, pretty sure we are best friends. Sorry–not–sorry. Also – me and your auntie Paula are practically related, but not in a weird way. I guess you could say I'm practically one of the family. (Not to get carried away or anything)

Annnnnyways.. I miss ya. I like writing letters. Wish you could write back, but you're busy being a nomad- not to mention I'm sure a postage stamp there would be close to $40.. Convert that to soles.. Carry the one.. Yeah- way too expensive.

I'm kind of rambling, only because I can and I feel like I'm actually talking to you, and I like my handwriting on graph paper. I can't wait to hug you! I'm way to excited for hugs. Like weirdly excited. So don't hold back.

Beau is going crazy with his music. Doing really well that is. Booking lots of shows and whatnot. It's exciting to watch. One he's particularly stoked for is on the 12th at Mekka. Roderick and Emily are playing too as a last hoo-rah before Roderick moves. Should be a fun night. As always – wish you were able to attend.

Speaking of music – BRING ME BACK THE UKE! I want to be musically inclined, not just vocally. I want to be cute like Stephanie! I'll try not to hate you too much if you can't bring it home.. But I will be pretty bummed.

I'm reading another book. So far so good. I'll probably be done long before you get back. Hmmmm. Let's see here. What else..

I haven't told you I love you yet! I mean it goes without saying, but it's always fun to write down.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Four times. (since four is your favorite number) and slowly becoming mine.

This month the countdown officially begins. You have (as of today): 18 days till you come home. It's been rough this last little stretch, been in my head too much, but I decided a few things. Nothing huge or anything to get excited/scared over. Just the way I think about stuff and whatnot. We are all works in progress I'm slowly finding. Trying not to sweat the small stuff or make mountains out of mole hills. Because in the end we all do things we don't quite understand because we love. That crazy little emotion takes over we just have to roll with it. And man am I excited to roll with you.

I'm not sure how much of this is starting to become mush and nonsense, but my hand decided it sounded right.

We are on to page number five (front and back altogether it counts) and I'm starting to feel pathetic. This has officially become a blog post (which I've been doing more of!) go me (:

So I better wrap it up. Let's recap shall we?

1.) Your family loves me more than you.

-just kidding, but really. 

2.) You've missed some stuff.

-shit happens, they will all have more birthdays. 

3.) I'm practically dating a Peruvian. 

-don't think you're going back without me.

4.) All out friends miss you.

-but mostly me.. Duh.

And I should stop at four to make you smile, but we all know..

5.) I LOVE YOU.

see you soon my love. 

10:11am

Not the best time to feel like shit.

But I do. Really am not feeling like I can make it through a 10:30 shift. I am feeling so fucking shitty and sad for no god damn reason. This is the kinda shit that makes me worry. I am not depressed. Cannot be. I'm just in a fucking weird shitty spot. I'm fine. Just sad. Just need to cry.

I am not a burden. I am not annoying. I am good at things. I can make decisions. I can spend money on things I feel I need. I know cameras. I am fine.

But I sure don't feel fine. Maybe I just need food. 

I shouldn't have worn eyeliner today. Or a skirt. 

Fuck this day. No one likes Wednesdays.

STOP BEING SAD MONICA. YOU ARE FINE. GET OVER YOURSELF.

9:07am

http://youtu.be/5GTbM5-ku-M

Relevant. 

12:56pm

Sophie turned 21 a few days ago. And of course we celebrated as she wanted. Out for drinks and a simple fun evening with friends. It how I would have wanted my 21st to be like had I not made mine this huge ordeal. So for me, I made the night how I wanted it to be. I drank and made the best of the night. Traece, Beau, Lennon, Roderick and Emily, as well as a few more people ended up coming. And it was an absolute blast, until the next morning when I realized I drank a bit too much. I woke up with a headache and it wasn't until I got up and started to get dressed and walking around that I began to feel sick. I finally threw up a little bit and then headed to town. I felt fine for the rest of the day. For the most part.

I met Dallas and Emerson at Carolines and chatted for a bit before Em head off to SF and then all over the country for the rest of summer visiting family. After he left Dallas and I spent an hour or two talking and venting about life and school and work. Which was nice.
She had to go so I headed home to shower, as I was driving home I got a text message from Karena reminding me about Josiah's actual birthday party I had promised I'd attend. So at 2:30pm I met the family at 49er Fun Park- assuming we were just riding go carts again.. Nope. Instead we play mini golf. When the sun was at its highest for a solid 3 hours. And I was recovering from a hangover. And still dehydrated. It was grrrrreat. I then left after that, since I promised Dallas we would go on a dog walk on Independence Trail and find salamanders. So I headed back home to rest until Dallas was ready while everyone headed to dinner.

Dallas showed up to my house around 6. I gave her a tour of the house and then we headed off. It was mellow and nice and we ended up getting some really nice shots of some cute little salamanders. All in all it was a crazy day but very nice.

I fell like I'm going on more dog walk and exercising in small ways. I haven't weighed myself in a long while but I'm curious to see if anything has changed.

It's the first of July and that means Emmit still has about 23 more days until he comes home. I'm doing my best to stay busy like I keep saying- and clearly I'm blogging somewhat consistently.. so thats a good thing. I just have to take it day by day. I'm working a lot and paychecks should be in so I'm excited for that. Fingers crossed over $500.. it would be a miracle if I made $600. That way it would be as if I'm actually saving something.

Anyways. I meant for this to be short sweet and to the point. But as Corrie says, "I'm a wordy person." I live for the details. I'm a writer/photographer. What do you expect.