4:14pm

And on May 23, 2016 a little after 3:30pm we broke up. 

9:24pm

You must read my tumblr posts because you came to my rescue right when I needed you. Since he didn't. 

3:11pm

I'm finally feeling okay. I feel like I'm gaining my independence back. But we're still together. I graduate in 6 days. I've been house sitting all week. I've seen Maegan so much and I like that. I've been taking and editing so many photos lately, good is coming out of this.

This thing I know that isn't going to last much longer. 

10:34pm

My oh my.. How long it's been dear friend. My mind is a bit fogged if you will. Weed and wine is a lethal combo and I like it. 

Dad just left today for his 2nd or 3rd cruise with Terrie (Satan). Tomorrow I get a tattoo. Blake isn't home. Emmit isn't here. Maegan is hopefully coming over soon. I want to make a chocolate cake. I want to be 100lbs. I want to feel loved. I love being high. It's my new constant. Helps with the commute.

I've started a nice list of thoughts while in high. I try not to look back on them too much, much like this blog. (Hence why I'm sure here are dozens of grammatical errors.) But from what I remember they are good ones.

I high out with Jake and Robbie a few days ago. Told Robbie about how things are pretty shitty with Emmit. Not even sure if I've mentioned that here. Yeah life isn't all peaches and cream at the moment. But I'm trying to graduate this semester, which will happen then Maegan and I will travel through Europe come August till September. Then Portland bound. I'm going places guys..

What else is there to say? I need to blog more. 

What else is new. 

7:43pm

What today consists of. Still crying. 

7:43pm

Spring semester started on Monday. Commuting to Rocklin isn't great but it isn't awful. The car search continues, so in the meantime I'll be forking out the dough for gas. But with good music I can usually make the drive no problem. I will most likely stay at Sophie's after my night class to save some driving for my morning class the next day so that's helpful too. And to top it all off, each of my classes are art based so I'm really interested in each subject.

2 Dimensional Design

History of Women in Art

And Ceramics & Handbuilding

Talk about using my hands! I'm clearly thrilled. By Thursday I was dead though.. And I'm working all the days I can while not in school.. Which I'm realizing is still a lot. And I'm exhausted. I'll keep you posted how things go.

Tomorrow is Em's birthday! He'll be 22. So we can be the same age for a month of 2 and rhen I'll go back to being a cradle robber.. Haha I have a party planned but keeping it local and nonchalant. Fun and simple. Should be good.

Beau is playing a show tonight so in trying to stay awake enough to survive to see it. I work in the morning (shocking) so I won't stay long- but I want to get some photos and Kelley asked me to be her date. (:

I really should head out and feed Dave's cats and then go to Caroline's and decorate for Emmit. 

8:27pm

We talked. And I feel better.

I cleaned my room. And I feel better.

I found my classrooms. And I feel better.

I cried. And I feel better.

It's all going to be alright. 

10:38pm

I'm not sure what to do in situations like this. You keep hurting me. Please stop. I hope you'll stop. My emotions can only handle so much of you.

I hate hating you. Please please stop. I want to love you, and then you hurt me. What am I supposed to do. How long am I supposed to wait for you to change. Will you change?

I don't want to lose your sisters, or you. But you keep putting me in these situations, only thinking of yourself and in turn hurting me.

But I feel like I'm going to compare everyone to you later if we don't work out. I want you to care about me. I want you to be the one. But you don't reciprocate. You don't show me.

What do I need to do? Help me. Tell me what you need.

I need you. I need you to stop making me cry. I can't keep crying like this. This isn't the way it's supposed to be.

Show me you love me. Please..

3:07pm

Wacky bunch, bitchin' night. 

3:26pm

Piercing my nipples in a minute. 

7:33pm

It's in these past few months that I've noticed the change in my hands. Thinning out and slowly resembling my mothers.

Still unsure how I feel about that.  

7:18pm

What if I didn't move right away. What if after spring semester I traveled..

What if I committed to that idea and made that work? When will I ever have this opportunity again? When will I be this free?

Maybe just maybe I should. 

Then commit to Portland. Just a few months in Europe to take some photos and live a little. Then get comfortable in a new life. 

6:14pm

Bad night. Not the greatest day. Now body is shutting down and I'm sick.

I need to stop thinking about my future. Need to just kinda hibernate for a good while. Just feel like crying constantly.

I sound like a fucking wreck. 

6:58pm

I shouldn't have to beg for your attention. It shouldn't be like this. You should want to be with me tonight. It's my favorite holiday and I'm crying.

This is bullshit. Going to go get high alone. 

10:33pm

Just ordered a new camera. Full frame. With a good lens and 4 year protection warrenty. 

Just over $2000.. Gone in a click of a button.

But I've sold a car and have been saving for too long. I deserve this. It will be my forever camera. I'm thrilled and have a sharp pain in my chest. This is a good thing. This is a good thing.

And I'll sell my camera and lenses that I can't use and I'll get over half of what I paid back. Not to mention I get paid in a day or so.

I'm not right in money. If anything before I clicked that button I (had) the most money if ever had. Rounding down I had at least $9000. I have plenty to buy a car, camera, and still be fine to move to Portland. Plus I still have until after May to save back up. And with this camera I'll have more inspiration to get back into shooting and making money that way.

Maybe I should think about ordering one of those credit card squares that plugs into your phone.. Now that I have a new nice one people will take me seriously.

All things to consider..

But, I should be excited. I don't care if dad thinks this is a waste of money or shouldn't be a priority right now- it is. And should be. And I'm an adult that's managing my money wisely damnit.

So there. 

2:05pm

I'm not going to continue apologizing at the beginning of every post for not posting more. I do that too often and I can't help that 'life happens.'

It has been months since my last post. I feel like I'll hit a good run and want to write and get things out there, even just to have something to read years from now. But I also feel lately like I'm almost avoiding my blog. I have time to, no Internet though, but I'll make excuses not to. In my head I'll think oh yeah I should really post that or something and then I never open my app. Not sure for what reason I've almost been nervous to reread some of my latest posts (from months ago) but I just did and they are all really happy? Last semester was really good to me. I passed my math class with a B. I slacked off in my speech class since I know how to talk to people and everyone was really funny, therefore I forgot to do some small assignments but came out with a C.

I've been nonstop working since I don't even know when. Its beginning to take its toll. It seems pointless to mention even half of the things that Ashli has done since Holly and Becky aren't going to do anything about it but tell me to change. We have very conflicting personalities and that's all there is really.

I feel like I'm so behind on everything that there is to tell. I really want to make a timeline or something just to catch up for 'future Monica's' sake. I might just do that actually. write it out and take a picture or something.
Lots have happened. Not all good, but then again maybe some good slipped in there. Hard to remember since I feel like a lot of bullshit stuff is happening currently but don't want to mention anything until I recap stuff from the past 4~5 months that I haven't posted.

So next post prepare for a major update.

7:38am

I had a bad dream last night.

I watched too much Netflix yesterday and I'm sure that contributed to it.

I feel weird now, and the idea of sleeping in at this point means 7am.

I need to blog more. I'm just in my head a lot right now and it's an uncomfortable morning. I don't want to be by myself. 

Maybe I can try to explain some of this later. 

7:41pm

Today the air smelled of nostalgia. The best kind. The kind where the flowers and plants are in full force bloom- they smell of dryer sheets. They smell like when I was little and the laundry is done and mom puts it in a big pile on her bed and I jump in. It smells of warmth and salty tears of happiness.

The sun does that sort of thing. It makes you remember and makes you happy. 

6:52pm

Goodness me it's been a decent while.

I had a birthday (22!) which was fantastic. Super laid back BBQ with family and many friends. Kelly made me a cake and all together it was grand.

I got my poppies tattoo the day before (14th) and I couldn't be happier with the outcome.. It meant so much for Cory to come in on his day off for me, and then on top of all that he didn't charge me.. $100 tip was certainly in order. This is probably my favourite tattoo so far. I want to show the world my own art on my skin. Can't wait to build off of it. (Slowly but surely.)

Let's see.. School has been good. Sorta catching up with me at this point. I have 1 speech left in Public Speaking and 1 exam then the final in Math. I'm keeping up with homework and pushing through with ease it seems. Sure it's only 2 classes but I know I'll do well and they are worth a lot in the long run.

The house is coming together. Me and Blake's bathroom is going to finally get a real sink and counter soon. Once it moves in from the garage to the inside of the house.. But it's progress.

The front square the the side of the house has been cleared out and we can now put a hammock up on the 2 front trees after we put down some bark and then we can plant some flowers and junk. Spring is among us and I'm full force happy.

The sunshine sure does something for ya. As much as I love my pants and sweaters- some good ol' sunshine is welcome my way.

I've been taking photos when I have time. Woodburning when I have wood, and doing life real well.

I did kind of have a "boob scare" as I put it to my coworkers. I had some really uncomfortable pain in my left breast (on the left side right outside my armpit) and it would shoot across to the center of my breast to the nipple. It was the weirdest thing. The kind of pain that would stop you while you were doing whatever it was you were because you couldn't breathe. You have to just stop and hold onto something until it subsides. It was like that for 2 days but after the 1st dad had me call the nurse and they scheduled me an apt for the next day. Although I was supposed to present a speech- my health comes first. It was pretty awkward but in the end it was fine. As long as it didn't persist I would be okay. They slowly went away and my nerves went away. Still not cool though.

I finally presented my speech and felt pretty meh about it. Could have done better for sure. But I still have one more so whatever.

Ummmm lets see, what else has happened? I went camping with Em, Kyle, Courtney, and Isaac a few days ago. Just behind Kyles property but it was really fun and gorgeous. Most definitely going back.

I lightened my hair more so it's a wonderful orange red like I've wanted for the longest time. Not to say it wasn't a hassle.. Typical Kristy. She does an amazing job but she has a way of being just unprofessional enough to make me want to go somewhere else.

We shall just see how things go.

I had a really good/much needed talk with em a few nights ago. After class one day he came over and we watched some tv at my house until my dad got home. Then he stayed for dinner and I learned my 5 chords on the uke! (The promise was that I learn 5 and then he will buy me my own!!) so we start shopping ASAP. Anyways- after I needed up going to his house to get a camera part -that didn't end up working- but I found a good time to bring up the subject of weed.

I've hinted at it in my posts recently in a very ambiguous way. But I finally found a time to tell him that I feel ready to try. I've done research and finally replaced my fear and nervousness with curiousity. I think about the subject nearly daily. Its become a norm and I finally want to be a part of it. I'm excited to experience new things however they come.

Ever since I got all that off my chest I've felt so good about my relationship. I feel so close to him and so confident in where I'm at in life. Plain ol' happy to be with him. And I can't believe we've been together a year and a half already..

Each other's longest relationship and I couldn't be more ecstatic. Our first 6 months went by so fast that I have no doubts that these next 6 will go by just the same. Can you even imagine 2 years? I have big goals with this guy I guess. (:

If someone makes you as happy as he does for me, you'd be stupid not to hold on tight.

Even before we had our conversation he had been so affectionate! Which is so big for me! PDA is not his favourite thing in the world so even the smallest thing like kissing my forehead in front of people was huge and so appreciated. I've felt so happy and loved these past few weeks.

I really feel good about life and whatever it could bring. School is almost over, the river is calling my name more than ever this year, I'm surrounded by lots of people I enjoy being around (well most of them..) and it's just nice to feel as happy as I do. Not sure how else to put it. 

1:25am

I'm glad I told you how I felt about stuff that may or may not have been bothering me for a long while. I'm glad you hear me and understand. I'm not out of line here.

Even if my birthday is coming up in 5.. (Now 4 days) away.. I'm not doing anything wrong/putting anything at risk by telling you so.

Not that I would be if my birthday wasnt coming up.

Point is- I'm glad I can speak my mind and you listen.