"She always wrote in cursive, even her numbers looked like it.."
I had a dream about you a few nights ago. I was at your funeral and lots of people were there. Not a soul I knew. It was outside and there were tents up above all the long tables in front of your casket. I remember a guy going up and making jokes and people were laughing and the minute he walked up I crossed my arms and put my head down in them on the table and automatically started crying.
Every once in a while someone would come and rub my back but otherwise it was as if they were pretending I wasn't there.
I guess everyone had finally gone up, said their jokes, made the crowd smile, and I had finally gained composure to go and say what had to be said. The truth.
How you were not meant to be a mom.
How dad was there when I got my period.
How you made everything difficult.
Yet I still find myself crying some nights because I can find a spot deep down in my heart that misses you.
Those nights like tonight.
Anyways. I was wiping my tear stained cheeks and was walking up to your body, opened my mouth and..
then I woke up. I got a text message from a co-worker asking if I could cover for her for 30 minutes. {Which I did.}
But whatever amount of money I will receive in my paycheck will amount to nothing. I would give it all back to go back to that dream and see what exactly I said so that I can keep notes for the real thing.
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Halloween was fine I suppose. I went to math then didn't go to English at all because I was called into work. Which was fine because I dressed up and was in a wonderful mood. Later that night I just hung out with Krisanna and Amber for a few hours and we all went outside a Haunted House for a bit then I went home and took a shower. Now its today and it was fine. Went to work during the 2 hours I had between bringing Blake to school and my first class. Actually had to help them since they were short one person. Traece wasn't in photo, not a big deal and I really don't care. Spent some time with Jeffrey in between my photo and painting class. Then worked pretty hard on my painting in class. After I came home and got on the computer.
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| This is just the outline for him. I've painted him since. |
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Well, my cheeks are dry now and that is good. I'm listening to Bon Iver and that is also good. I guess I just needed that. To cry really hard and just get it out.
I should be working on my homework, but I couldn't. Not under the conditions.
I needed to express and just write.
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Driving to Target with you at about 8pm a few nights ago was needed. Being lesbians for a night at In & Out was the icing on top of the cake. But then again it might not have been. The moment we looked at each other when you were coming back from paying for gas was special. And on our way back to my house and you got sad when I told you about my dream. I liked that too. You mean a lot to me. Just so you know.
The quote in the very begining was said by me. About you mom.
