9:17pm

What is this? The third day in a row that I have managed to write? I myself am impressed.
It's nice to get shit off my chest. Very necessary lately.

I had vented a few days ago.

I had used language that was inappropriate for small ears.

So its a good thing we are all adults here.

Anyways, it was regarding Courtney.

Bleh.

I don't like thinking about her much these days.

I won't go into much detail- but tonight I had told her we are through.

I have never felt more in control before in my life.

We all remember the Violet fiasco..

I was not going to let that happen again.

Regardless of the age, height, etc..

I will let nothing keep me from doing what I feel is right.

The hardest part of all of this is that she still works at Carolines.

It would be so easy for me to stop being bitter and move on completely, if that wasn't a factor.

I'm past the fact that she "stole" Ryan. They both showed how much they don't belong in my life.

Perhaps one day I can become friends with either of them, but at this rate I'm not holding my breath.

I don't agree with the situation she is putting herself in. She knows that I want nothing, but the best for her, but in the path that she is choosing- she is setting herself up for disaster.

Who she talks to and who I talk to are neither her nor I's concern any longer.

As great and powerful as it feels to be in control of a friendship, (or lack thereof..)

it will never be easy to hurt someone.

I know she is hurting. She went the whole 9 yards tonight and

unfriended me on Facebook, as well as unfollowed me on Instagram.

I suppose I can understand why- but it also makes her look young, pathetic, weak, etc. In my eyes.

Oh well. If that's her way of moving on or whatever it may be- go for it.

This is mine.

This is all I need.

I just need to put my thoughts into words and my words onto a blank white screen.

Then they are no longer inside of me and I have nothing left to hold onto.

I feel like those had to have been a conglomerate of song lyrics somehow... 

Alright. Well future me reading this, I feel as though I have said my piece. I want to move on and talk about other things come tomorrow.

Sleep well.

9:37am

Last night I got home around 10:30pm. I therefore could not blog, I charged my camera batteries and went to bed.

Why did I charge my batteries you ask? Oh that's because I am

SHOOTING MY VERY FIRST WEDDING!

I would be lying if  I said I wasn't nervous.

But I am also excited for the opportunity.

My friend Kurtis has been so rad with trying to get me to take pictures more and offering me these opportunities to shoot weddings with him.

So far this one seems like a really good one to call my first.

The only thing I am worried about really is that it isn't starting until 3pm.. It's December. 

Which means it starts to get dark around 5- therefore I will be dealing with low lighting situations..

Kind of my weakness. But that's okay! I'll figure it out. 

Taking this as a challenge!

I better go finish getting ready- I'll report back soon.

P.S.

Starting to figure out my New Years Resolutions..

Pretty excited for them.

1:27pm

Christmas has passed.
Can't complain.
I was able to spend some time with my family. (Not as much as I had hoped.) Aunt Penny was busy tending to the twins as well as the rest of the family.

I squeezed in as many hugs as I could though. Which will last me enough until our next trip down there.

I'm already working on my New Years resolutions.

I'll post later tonight (I hope..)

with more of an update on my so-called life.

xx

M

9:09pm

I think this may be it for Courtney and I. This is the biggest shittiest thing she could do, and I am 100% not okay with it.

You don't get to "like" Ryan. The first person I had sex with, and think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel with us..
You "don't feel bad" and "can't control your feelings"?? Are you fucking high?

Sure at this point I gave her a ultimatum.

My friendship versus his relationship..

That shouldn't even be a question.

She is just doing the lowest possible thing humanly possible, and I'm fucking done with her.

I hope she quits Caroline's and goes back to Eskashit full time. Fuck's more people that she shouldn't.

Merry fucking Christmas to an horrible fucking person.

Do yourself a favor and focus what needs to be focused on.

You even said yourself that you don't need to be worrying about boys right now.

You fucking hypocrite.. get the fuck out of my life.

I hope you get into the school in Colorado. Get the fuck away from me.

You lying, stealing, two faced bitch.

6:05pm

Should I even apologize? is it even worth it.. How many times can you apologize to yourself anyways?
Well.. I'm sorry future me- yet again.

For what you might ask? for not blogging like I said I would.
Holidays are among us and shits crazy.

I now make $9.00 an hour. 

I'm still a supervisor and we have so many new people that have 

"replaced" my girls I began with. It saddens me so very much.

Melissa Irvin came in the other day and it was so nice to see her face.

But I do think she has lost more weight than the average Bubba's Bagels employee.

Which makes me believe that she may be getting into harder drugs than before,

I feel for her.

I spent the afternoon with Liz yesterday which was so nice! Very refreshing.

I still have respect for Starbucks and that industry. And for her for moving. 

You do what you have to do in order to survive in this world.

Secret Santa is upon us! Its exciting. I can't wait for our Christmas party so that way I can get that homily feeling yet again and remember all the reasons why I stay at Carolines.

Sure things may get stressful sometimes, but I do love it there. For what we stand for and what we do.

It's a great place that I can always call my first job. And I love that.

It's Monday, and I've been working nonstop.

(which I've probably already said enough)

But still.. anyways- tomorrow is Tusday

which means I have class and finals due. At least a paper for Social Psych.

Ever since I got a F on my first paper its been crazy to try and get back up.

I hate that I don't feel the energy or feel like I should put much effort into my school work though. I make myself mad.

I told myself that "this would be my semester"

HA..

It's ben real, and it's been.. fun.

But it's been a drag also.

These final and grades will be the defining factor if I take a semester off  by choice or by default.

I'll keep you posted.

Update on dad: tattoo is old news.. 

Hmm.. who knew this would happen? Oh yeah! me..

He got knee surgery which was slightly nerve wracking for the both of us. But everything went swimmingly, and he has been doing just fine.

Lets see.. what else has happened.

Courtney and I are still friends, although she does have her crazy spells.

Which worry me.

I'll think of more on my way home.

(I've been in Mekka since 3pm writing my paper on Finding Nemo that is still not completed.) ugh.

Anyways, I need to get home.

'Till next time.

8:08pm

I've been sick for approximately 3-4 days. I've had no voice for 2 and I even had to take off work today.
I cleaned house a bit. Tomorrow is my dads birthday.
I'm scheduled to work 11-close tomorrow- and I really don't want to. Like, at all.
I'm just under the weather and need a day to relax. Where I don't have to steam clean carpets and clean bathrooms to impress my grandparents.

My teeth hurt still. (Kinda) but I can't complain too much.

Dr. Law said that this is the last wire and if I keep wearing my rubber bands like I have been (and even more often) then I should have my braces off by April/May!
That's basically my news. Other then that, I'm sick. So yeah.

Oh! I got extensions.
That is all.

9:39pm

I had a splendid day.
Got a B on my Psych test. Watched a presentation on a Transgender couple for Personal Development. Hung out with Sarah Melanie Len Olsen. (No clue why I feel the need to say her full name.)
Purchased extensions. (Still getting used to them.)

Faught with Courtney. Bleh.
I think we are okay now.. Still a joke.

On other more exciting (but not really) news: Barack Obama won.
He shall be here for another 4 years.
And all that I will be saying next is to everyone who has nothing nice to say:
That. Just. It.
If you aren't going to congratulate Barack on his win, and console Mitt on his loss- then keep it to yourself.

I am not really one for politics or religion or anything like that. Things that can cause controversies- I'm not for that.

I think somewhere in me though I wanted Obama to win. Maybe because I like having a black president. Maybe because I think his wife and kids are lovely.
Maybe because I'm not the biggest fan of Mitt. Because he is Mormon, or reminds me of my dad, or because I'm sure my dad voted for him.
I'm not sure why I feel anything I do. But I guess I do.

I didn't vote. I have legally been able to for almost 3 years. And for those 3 years I have not felt strong enough for politics in general to make such a big decision. I don't want to commit to something so huge I feel so little for.

I just wish more people saw things the way I do. It's just such a waste of energy and time to feel hate or negative feelings towards someone you have never met.

That's just me.
(I think I'm done now.)

12:48am

It's almost 1am and I am not really the slightest bit tired.

I'm on Photojojo yet again. Googley eyes for the Fuji Wide Instant camera. Really want it. But I know I shouldn't.
I also want extensions. Sort of.
And a computer still. And need a new car.
And want my septum back.
And more tattoos.

Yeah, I guess it's one of those posts.
Because I suck. And secretly I think I am really tired.
This is me writing because I know I need to.
Although there isn't much going on in my life to talk about.

I keep day dreaming. About having my own place with my photos on the wall. And thrift store furniture. And Scout.
My own little kitchen and such.. It sounds just lovely.
But it's me just dreamin' away for now.
One day I will have all that I want. It'll happen. I'll be happy.

I won't be stressed from work, because I'll enjoy what I do. (Whatever that may be) and ill have my hobbies that I love to keep my place lovely. I'll invite people over when I wish and we can talk and whatnot- bit for the most part I'll be alone. I'll have my own space. And to me that just sounds refreshing.

5:33pm

Last night I went to House of Horrors with Cru, Jake, and Courtney.
Went as I had planned. Shitty.
Jake and Courtney are still in that honeymoon stage and it makes me happy for her but sad at the same time. Kind of jealous.
Me and Cru are nothing and last night he just made that clear with his body language.
I was so fucking sad the entire night.

Then Courtney just text me saying how her and Jake just had sex. In Cru's house. While he was at work I guess.
I haven't even had sex with Cru at his house.
It's fucking bullshit. I want Cru to find out and get mad. Or something.. I'm just so frustrated and jealous and a shitty person. I'm just upset about so much and I'm not even sure what to do.

I feel like I could totally cry at any given moment.
FUCK.

Happy fucking Halloween to me..

11:36am

I had a feeling that today was going to be a good one, and so far I can't complain much. I had a test in Psych and I thought I would fail but I'm actually feeling pretty okay about it. And that is certainly a nice feeling.

Jake is staying in town for an extra night so I think that Cru, Courtney, Jake, and I will be hanging out and going to the House if Horrors.

I'm borderline giving up on Cru. As sad as it is to say. I just feel like there are other girls he talks to in the way that he used to talk to me.
It's a sad thing to think about, and I could completely change my mind by tonight depending on how things go.
Only time will tell.

But I did shave my legs and plan on looking cute..

12:25pm

I don't have long to write. My class starts at 12:30.
I just checked out Perks from the library since the person to check it out finally brought it back. I think it was overdue by 3 days.
I apologize for not posting back later last night after the movie. I was talking to Robbie and dealing with problems with Courtney. Too much that I couldn't handle it.

That movie just made me so emotional that even the thought of any scene made me want to cry.

I'm getting off subject. (Not that I had made one just yet. Only in my head.)
Anyways, for my class that I'm about to have (Personal Development.) I had to fill out a paper entitled "The Wise Choice Process"
Where I had to find a problem- and then 9 possible solutions to it.
I appropriately chose School. I said:
•I was in the wrong place
•I am wasting money
•I'm unhappy here

Some of my solutions were to make new friends that would help me study, sit in the front of the class, use my planner, etc.

Anyways as I was walking from the library just now to class- I passed an unfamiliar face and we looked at each other in he eyes. Quite briefly.. But it still happened. The sun was in my eyes but we still managed to make that connection.
It was nice.
He seemed nice.
Perhaps we shall pass each other again.

6:05pm

Reaction:
So here I am sitting in my dad's truck, I just got out of the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

And I couldn't have been more pleased. And walking out into the rain to drive home couldn't have been any more perfect. Anymore appropriate.
The feeling I get from watching a movie like that.
It's indescribable.

I'll try to when I get home.

7:21pm

Holy. Shit.

I don't even want to count the days.. {maybe even months at this point} since I last posted.
Much too much has happened since I last did though. And I mean A LOT.

I've been doing okay though.I think because it's October. And this just so happens to be my favourite month. I told myself on the 1st that nothing could bring me down this month. Because it really feels like Autumn and that is my favourite season. nothing can/should go wrong in the next 31 days. Right?

Meh.. debatable.

I guess I should kinda do a timeline type thing. {For the future me reading this.} So I won't get completely confused while rereading my past.

 Good grief.. I don't really want to type out all that has happened. Mainly because one thing-a major thing- I'm still deciding if it really happened or not. Which I suppose I don't really get to decide that or not.

On September 9, 2012 at approximately 1:20am I had sex. 

For the first time.

It wasn't my 'meaningful', 'storybook' night or anything like that. 

I was house sitting that night for my dad's best friend. I had a morning shift that day (Sunday) and he came in to work and got his usual cinnadough bagel, mentos and whatnot. We had spoken before but not much. Just the casual chit-chat. He never stayed long since he had to get back to work up the street.

That morning I was on the register ringing him up, and he grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down his number. So I grabbed another and gave him mine.

"No, I don't need it," he said.

"You're going to text me."

"Nope, I don't do that. I'm old fashioned," I said to him as I gave him my note.

And that's where Ryan began. 

Not much conversation.

Asked me if I was busy tonight, and since I was house sitting- I said no.

We went to a movie.

The Words.

It was really good.

And then went and got coffee at The Curly Wolf.

Mistake Number 1.

Cru was there. Just as I thought he would be.

He took me there for the first time the night before. When I spent the night at his house. (not the first time.)

I was actually full on expecting to have sex with Cru that night. The 8th.

And it never happened, and I was slightly disappointed- but fine with that.

I wasn't "trying to fill the void" that I didn't get with Cru the night before with Ryan the next. Not in the slightest. I was not expecting to do anything like that with Ryan.

But we did and that's okay.

As aqward as it was to walk past Cru into the cafe at 11:00pm with a friend of his- I still did. And it was just fine. Sorta.

I felt bad. Like I had just fucked myself over. 

Lost all my chance with Cru. 

Ryan and I chatted a bit while he had coffee. I felt sick.

Then we finally got the guts to walk past Cru and strolled around Nevada City for a few minutes.

walked back to his truck and then he took me back to my car.

We got to talking a bit more. and then kissed. More kissing and we got closer.

He asked if I wanted to go somewhere.

I didn't really know what he meant by that but I said yes.

Mistake Number 2.

I don't really like calling it a mistake though. It wasn't. What happened happened. And I'm content with that.

Looking back, of course I wish I hadn't had sex for the first time with someone I didn't really know very well, on the first date, and in a truck.

All things I can't change. So I accept it.

I got to the house I was watching by 2am..  showered. and went to sleep for 3~ hours.

I had the morning shift technically that day.

Thank God Courtney was working that morning. I felt more sick about everything than I ever have about anything. More for the fact that I had just had sex for the first time. I could no longer call myself a virgin. That was something I took pride in. Something I would blatantly tell people and borderline rub in their face.

Now I had lost all that in one night.

And I was worried I had lost Cru too..

I felt like I had cheated- although we have no label at all other than friends.

I cried to Courtney for a solid 6 minutes. Give or take.

And I learned things about her that I didn't know before.

I got all my feelings out and felt so much better.

Cru doesn't know to this day- and wont ever know.

I'm still planning on having sex with him and soon.

He will be my first. 

He will have meaning.

Yes there are small details about Ryan I am withholding for now. But I will get to them another night.

Bigger News 

Thursday October 4th, at 11am

I did get my tattoo.

It wasn't nearly as painful as i thought it would be.. THANK GOODNESS.

And I could not be more pleased with it.

(well- I could.. but I'll explain that another day too.)

Dad had ignored me for about 4 days straight. Full on cold shoulder, avoiding eye contact, silent treatment, etc. The works. He was being the child in the situation and I was carrying on with my normal routine acting like myself. I think we are finally getting on better terms.

*Knock on wood*

Alright. Well I think I've covered the major/important information that has happened.

If I can think of anything else I will blog later tonight {unlikely} or within the next few days.

I think I was just letting it all soak in fr myself before I put down into words the whole idea of it.

Once it is down on paper, it's forever. concrete.

And now that I have it out of my system I can blog again. 

Which has been very necessary with all the drama and bullshit I've been dealing with. But I knew that I couldn't write about those bullshit feeling I was just feeling without writing about all the bullshit I'd done that still had yet to be written.

Understand?

Good. I thought you would.

Alright- I'm really leaving this time. Goodnight, and Que Sera, Sera.

10:15pm

"I want to be in a coma." ....
"I want people to think I'm in a coma I guess. I need to take a week+ to just catch up. On cleaning, on art, on reading, on sleep, on everything."

I found an apartment today that would be perfect for me. Right downtown, not too expensive (or so I think) just everything about it is lovely.

But I just don't think I could do it. I've been brainwashed, whether that be from dad or myself, that I can't make it on my own.
Frankly, it is probably a mixture of both at this point.
But I'm at my breaking point. I've been so unhappy for months. I'm worried I could be diagnosed as depressed. I don't want to rely on medicine to be happy. I want to fix myself.

I'm just so confused. I need to sleep off all my worries. Stay in bed for a month and do nothing. Nothing but things that make me happy.

5:57pm

I spent the night at his house last night. It felt really natural. Even when I had to wake up early to get ready for my morning shift at work, I just felt at home? Normally with situations like that my stomach would feel weird and I would feel sick. Just all round not well. Not until I was back in my routine or some part f my comfort zone.

I'm still not getting attached, I mean nothing happened. Cuddling off and on. Watched Blue Valentine, he sketched some font ideas for my tattoo. We were both just exhausted. All in all- I don't suppose I have any complaints.

The more and more I look up fonts the more excited I am.

I've even have contemplated going into it more as a career option type thing. Just thinking around with my options.

First day of school was Tuesday. It went well and I felt comfortable there. Sierra has become a comfort zone for me. So far I feel like I'm still working quite a bit- and truthfully I am. I wont be forever, not saying like that I will never leave.. But for now I am going to make the best of being there.

I feel good about my classes so far.

Not so much the money part.

Parking permits are now $50.............. 

I wanted to hang myself.

Oh well.. This time I will pass my classes with A's and I will get my Financial Aid back.

I think that just about covers it for the most part.

OH YEAH!
Janna will be here late tonight- so we will see each other probably tomorrow. <3

Here are some pictures.

10:13pm

Had an awful day. Don't really want to dwell or even talk about it. Mainly because I don't want to have to go and read back on all these shitty posts. So yeah.. Idk Courtney can tell. She came up to me at work and just said how I've clearly been unhappy for the past month and she wants to help but just doesn't know how. And frankly, I'm not quite sure how either. Oh well. I'll move on and get a high spot in life shortly- I'm assuming Tuesday when school starts for me.

It couldn't have come around at a better time.. I remember once school ended I was saying the same thing. I hated school by the end and I needed an escape from it. Now I feel that way about Caroline's. The more I'm there the more unhappy I get. Some days are better than others but I'm beginning to 'hate' my coworkers as well as everything about the place really.

So like I said- school is here just in time. I need a break from all this bullshit that is Caroline's.

I'm taking 2 classes and regardless of what anyone says- I'm happy about it. I'm excited. I already know 3 people that will be in one of my classes. So that's exciting I suppose. I'm not close with 2 of them but I'll keep this updated with how that goes by the end of the semester.

On a MUCH brighter note- I've made a new friend. He is rad.
•his own clothing company
•loves to cook, works at The Wooden Spoon
•pro BMX rider- has sponsors! (GATORADE) :O
•straightedge
•.....need I go on?

But I'm not holding my breath or getting attached or anything like that. Im glad we are friends and have been talking. So far so good. But again, nothing just yet.
He makes me smile though. And that's nice. Sometimes, that's all I need. Because really, I feel like I go long periods of time without truly smiling, and meaning it.

Tattoo nerves are kicking in as always.
Blake's birthday is in 2 (basically 1) day(s). I got him a new iPod touch screen and stereo/speaker system. I think he will like it.

I finally gave Dallas her vintage camera strap surprise. She loved it. (back in town to win Walker back)
Team Dallas ftw.

Umm what else.
Oh! Janna is going to be here on Thursday! I'm freaking out. It hasn't even hit me yet that I will actually be able to hug her. That should be a whole new emotion in and of itself.

So I think I've covered all that I needed to get off my chest. At least for the time being. (let's hope that this helps make me feel better like it has before.)

I feel like all these images sum up the past few weeks up to the present.