I'm getting tired, but I need to just pull through.
Today was probably the first day I didn't like Emmit.
And even then, I still love him.
Roderick just fucked with my head a little. Was talking to Em about drugs and that's
never a great subject with me. I don't deal well. Just awkward and try to
pretend I don't hear.
Or walk away real fast but then almost secretly wish I could still hear, for what reason I'm not entirely sure. I guess mostly for just plain curiosity.
I cannot lie, Emmit would be 100% perfect i he didn't do those things.
And I did act a bit standoffish after hearing multiple conversations between them. I just get uncomfortable. I hate it. I want to be okay with it, but I just can't be.
I want to not care so much. I want to not be against all of it so much. I wish I could just drink or smoke
or something to see what the big deal is all about. But I just can't let myself.
I "claim" edge so now I have that on my shoulders.
I care too much about what people think. And what I think.
I guess I slowly let go of my worries and forgot about being distant. Which was kinda hard to do, because by lunch I missed his touch and him. We have been together just over a month and I can't ask for anything more in a person. (except the loss of drug use, I wouldn't care about drinking.)
I love him dearly. And I get nervous and happy and all sorts of feelings when it comes to my future.
His future.
Our future?
The rest of my shift was fine. Closed with Alannah, Salima, and Kathleen. All nice ladies. I was acting super silly all day for god knows why..
But it carried on to after work since I was surprised by Emmit in the parking lot, with a gift.
He bought me a succulent! And I was so pleased. We kissed and enjoyed each others company.
We went to his mom's to get his camera and then planned to go and take a night shot at this secret pond. We had some nice conversation with Elsa and his mom. I love being around them and now I'm comfortable enough to completely act myself.
We finally left and got some photos, and a bit spooked by some footsteps and some grave stone crosses. Ugh..
We got back to town, and dad sent me a text. Not pleased considering it was around 11:30pm.
I headed home (reluctantly) and had a pissed father waiting for me.
With a list.
A lovely list of shit I don't do or could do better or change.
Just calling me out on being a bad daughter and family member.
-Which yeah, is quite a bit true. But it just sucks to hear that sort of thing.
And then defending myself is out of the question.
So I stand there and take it. Take the questioning as to why my eyes are glossy. (tired)
And what I was doing so late. (trespassing for the sake of photography)
And I hold back the tears as best as I can. But it's hard.
And of course eventually my eyes well up and gloss over and spill out. And I know at that moment that my eyelids will have swelled by the morning.
Life isn't easy. But I need to remember to be responsible.
Dad can't afford to pay for 2 houses, so we need to sell this one asap.
I also need to sleep.
It's 1:23am.
Goodnight blog.
