Where do I even begin? Well on Wednesday morning I opened (normally don't work Wednesdays since I have school all day) So I knew it was going to be a long day. I was tired the majority of the shift but I knew I was only there till noon. With that in mind I started to gain some energy (with some help from caffeine).
It was around 11:45 and we had a delivery to Classic Tattoo and so they asked if I would take it and by the time I got back I would be able to split tips and leave. Every time I deliver there I come back in a good mood.
Like I thought I only had about 10 minutes before I had to leave. As I went to the back to take my sweater off Holly asked me to come to the office and "it would only take 8 minutes" since that's how much time I had left. I was all smiles and in a good mood. I sat down and she just let me have it. My smiles and good mood turned into holding back tears.
She wanted to let me know that a "half dozen" of my fellow coworkers had come and talk to her about me. Which really means just about all of my coworkers. (Because really- how many people actually work there..)
But that's not all she had to say. Oh no. She had quite the list for me of things I do wrong or don't do or need to work on etc..
- I'm always on the register.
- that's a bad thing.. (although whenever I try and go somewhere else I'm always told to go back to the register.)
- Which then leads to me not making drinks enough or at wholesale side as much.
- I don't know the answers I'm supposed to.
- As a supervisor I should know everything, be the person everyone an come to for answers and "I don't."
- I'm not bubbly and outgoing. Not the kind of person people want to work with or be around.
- I'm weak and bringing everyone down.
- I'm supposed to be a strong link and I'm just slowing the team down.
- I snap at people and have an attitude.
- I don't do what I'm told and if I finally do it I'm mad at the person who told me and then that spreads to the rest of the people I'm working with.
- ETC.
I'm forgetting a lot. But those are some that hit home I guess. As she was listing all the things I do wrong I'm just sitting there biting my lips, and fidgeting. Trying my best to not let tears shed. Just repeating 'yes' and 'okay' waiting for it all to be over.
She finally took the roll of Supervisor away from me which is what I was waiting for and dreading the entire time. Said that we will meet up next Thursday and go over how I've improved and what I've done to change. Then she will be out of town the week after that so then we will meet the Thursday when she gets back.
It was 12:10~ by the time I could leave. I grabbed my things and ran. Didn't say goodbye to anyone because the minute I stepped outside the tears escaped.
I had a class to get to.. And I was doing so well. Thanks so much Holly..
She would stop and ask me if there were any questions I had or anything to say, and really I felt like "what's the point in trying to defend myself now? You've already taken away my position and made it clear no one likes me or wants to work with me.."
I did let her know that I have had some issues with Corrie and how she makes me feel inferior and stupid as well as that I've been sick the past few weeks and have been meaning to make a doctors appointment. But then told her how I really am not trying to make excuses or bash on anyone else- I just need to work on those things I guess.
I then had to suck it up so I could go to class and look presentable. Which was rough. And I made it through quite bit. But left 30 mins early because I really wanted to talk to my dad. I was nervous to talk to him since I wasn't sure if he would be mad at me for failing at my job or support me and left me vent.
Thank goodness he was supportive. He was even getting mad at the other girls and Holly which was comforting since I was just as mad. I asked for his opinion and he suggested that this may be my sign that it's my time to go. He said we needed to talk more and make a plan. Even if it for 6 months from now or 3~2. Make me plan- which is what I've been wanting for so long.
He had a dentist appointment so I left and met Sophie at Summer Thymes. When I pulled in she was talking to Danielle outside. They said hey and I started crying.. ha.
I gave them the same speech I did to my dad and they were just in shock. Astounded that people would be so shady. Not come to me or give me any idea that there was something wrong. To just work with me and fake the whole thing. Pretend that everything is fine and then to be slapped with this conversation with Holly.
I wanted to vent but make it clear that this should not scare Sophie off from working there. I've just been there for a very long time and things are just kinda adding up.
Trying to imagine not working with Emmit is strange to me. But I need to see this as a positive. Couples don't normally work together. So now we are just going to be like a normal couple. Distance is good and will make seeing each other that much more exciting and worth it.
A new job will be a fresh start and that may be what I need. Something to get me excited for again. Happy to go to and support. Just need to work on my resume a bit. Figure some things out. Try not to go to work and let the new unwelcome vibes get to me. Just power through them. If I do anything that would prove I'm 'worthy' of gaining my spot back- its not for Holly, myself, or anyone. It's for the store and just to get myself out of there. Show I'm powerful enough to fight through whatever anyone says. Pretend I'm there by myself and doing a job. Use this place as a paycheck.
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| Relevant. |
Time to make a plan.
