8:48pm

Oh dear blog.. the mood I am in. (A good one for a change!) Although today was in incredibly non-productive day. It being my day off, I normally tend to try and accomplish thing I normally would not be able to on a day that I had to work. Today on the other hand was not one of those days. I had laid in bed watching Whats Eating Gilbert Grape- which I loved. And then proceeded to cuddle with Scout for the majority of the morning.

Sam came over around noon, and then napped for the main time he was here.

Yes, I'm happy for his new independence for his dads house. (Which wasn't all that bad)

But being at the apartment with Danielle and Holly isn't exactly great for his already outrageous sleeping patterns. I told him that tonight he should try to actually sleep at a normal hour. He then promised he would. 

We almost showered together today. But I chickened out. The nice thing is, we have many more chances to come.

Today is the eleventh. Meaning that two days ago was our Five Month.

He was officially my longest relationship three months ago.

And I can't really document enough, how happy I truly am.

I know at the rate I'm posting (not often) I probably say it in each one somehow. I'll sneak it in one way or another.

Yusef and Juleia are now my best friends. Which is saying something.

They now are no longer in their place on Rough and Ready, but in a trailer much like the one my dad just purchased, but many years older. I had no idea how they would do it with Sifadine but they always seem to be happy in the long run.

I think I help Juleia in that sense. She, like myself, doesn't have many friends. Being a 20 year old Islamic mom.. I sadly see why.

So when she and Yusef may be in a bit of a tiff, we can hang out. We don't even have to talk about it.

I told them my life story basically a week or so ago. We ended up talking about religion and parents and money and moving and everything.

I respect them as people. More than most.

Before I forget, on May 28th a very amazing thing happened.

My braces were forever removed!

Yes I still have an adorable retainer.. 

But all my over thinking and worrying was put to rest around 9:00am that morning.

Sam and a few other say that they still miss my braces sometimes- and you  know I'll admit, something I had for two+ years, you can get oddly attached to.

But I am quite pleased with how they turned out. As miserable of an experience it was with my Orthodontist, Dr. Law -and I would recommend to go anywhere else- he did his job without having to pull teeth. And I'm very grateful for that.

As I had mentioned before, Yusef and Juleia are currently living in the trailer on Yusef's parents property. They had to move because they had a baby I do believe. But I suppose that makes sense. They are doing just fie where they are at now anyways. What their plan is, is to save money while living in the trailer in order to move to Portland. And Yusef's plan is to move as early as this December. Sam is planning on going with them. And they all would like for me to go along with them. And I have agreed I would like nothing more than a change of scenery.

There are just a few kinks in that whole plan..

1. I am signed up for Fall classes. I believe that starts August 26th.
2. I haven't told my dad about this idea.
3. We are in the process of putting our house on the market and moving.
4. I'm terrified of drastic change.

The biggest being school and my dad of course.

I can't do what Danny did, and just drop all my classes and quit my job to focus on music- or in this case move away from everything I know.

I'm so excited for this semester too, I'm finally taking a sign language class.

As well as Science and I'm still wait listed for English.

If they do end up moving in December, I wont be able to go that soon. School ends December 14th or 15th. I'm not moving before Christmas. I wont make myself go through that.

But now that I think of it, if I do plan all this out and talk to my dad long before hand to get him on my side for this, Christmas would be a great time for me to tell the family of my plan.

Enough of the stress and excitement.

The whole reason I have become so inspired to write this evening is due to  The Clothes Horse.

I have watched her stop motion videos and read her insight on fashion. She is just now the second blog that had made me want to do something with my life that makes me happy.

No matter what I decide to do, blogging will be involved. 

And all today the only thing I can think of is Juleia and myself working on things like those.

Creating a blog and documenting our move.

The struggles, the adventure, and the love.

Not to sound like hippies- but we all could do it.

I tell myself, along with everyone else- that I want to do this. 

"There just can't be any wading in the water with life.

I have to just leap in. 

Otherwise I won't do it."-Me.

It's getting late, and of course I work the long shift tomorrow.. But I'll keep you posted on all life's happenings.

I mean, isn't that why I created this in the first place?

I'm taking more photos with my Nikon. I'm proud of myself. These are my friends.

8:44pm

Well, I managed to not cry- and survive the rest of the shift.
But it wasn't easy. Just tried not to dwell on my life and whatever.
Sam surprised me and stayed for a bit. It was nice- but I wasn't able to kiss him or hug him goodbye.

Corrie really is sick. She now has mono. So I get to cover her Sunday shift (I was supposed to have it off) and hopefully no other days. She literally has a week to get better.

Salima was interviewed today. I hope she gets hired, she is so sweet and would fit in so well.

I signed up for Hulu+ today. Not as great as I was expecting since I wanted the first season of all these shows that are now onto their second. And so they think everyone is up to date......which I'm not.

Oh well.

I think I''m going to  take a much needed shower and possibly paint my nails.

I saw a video of these guys painting a sweet girl on a windmill and things like that tend to inspire me.

So I decided I want to paint and probably take some pictures this summer.

I need some free time and creativity in my life.

I need a break and some me time.

I'm glad I'm blogging more. I hope that this continues.

I forget how much it helps.

I got a mustard scarf yesterday before Big Dave's memorial. I wore it today.

His memorial was actually a really nice turn out and was more emotional than I had thought. I had even said something and I ended up crying.

I didn't think I was going to. But once Becky did I welled up a bit. It wasn't until Trace said his last memory that I had let go and cried. Since he did too.

"Trace, why are you so nice to me?"

"Because we are friends Dave."

"We are friends aren't we.."

"Yeah Dave."

 "It's nice that we are friends huh?"

"Yeah Dave..it is."

12:33pm

I'm just plain exhausted. Summer break is officially here and how do I spend my first day? Covering a longer shift for fucking Corrie. Who may or may not be sick in my opinion.
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm taking summer classes, are you insane? I'm dying here. My body can barely keep up with where I'm at.

I'm not sure how to tell my bosses that I'm overworked and underpaid. I just feel like that they will end up having to find out the hard way. I'll just end up passing out on the floor during a big rush because my body will have finally just given up on me.

One of the only reasons I said yes to this shift was because I have to continue proving to everyone that I can do my job. That I am worthy of being here, I am a good supervisor. Since someone must have been bothered by me a while back and kept it bottled up- I must have done something recently that upset them and so Becky pulled me into the office yet again. We talked about it all and I thought it went well and I had proved myself and everything.. but I can't keep having to do this. I don't want to have to keep proving to everyone that I'm a good worker. I'm working myself to death- if I try any harder I won't be here.

Moving away just sounds so nice. Starting something new. I'd miss my dad and brother and family so much I'm sure. But I need a change of scenery. 

I'm writing this all on my lunch break, and I'm getting fed up and borderline upset. So I should probably stop. But I really needed to get some stuff out. This way I hope to not cry during the closing shift.

Should be, could be. Me.

9:23pm

Today was my one day off of the week. It was really laid back. I did a bit of homework while Sam just laid in my bed and watched TV. That is the kind of relationship I want to be in. I'm so content happy where we are. Every once in a while I would take a break from my typing and crawl over with him. We would just lay there so close it was as if we were one person. I could just dig my face in his back and close my eyes, and feel so safe.

We have said I love you, and I truly mean it.

I honestly feel this is what true love feels like..

I understand I am still so young, and there are times when I don't enjoy everything he does. But that's part of a relationship. We haven't exactly had a fight in the 4 months that we have been together, but we have nothing to disagree upon?

I'm getting better about making decisions thanks to him. He forces me to make one rather than leave it up to him to make them all.

I feel as though he wants the best for me. He calls me smart, although I still have trouble believing it.

Jillian had surprised us in the library after our class on Thursday, and we had a great conversation.

I always enjoy seeing//talking to her.

Although she is so her own person, and as much as I do love her,

sometimes I feel so lost after talking to her. Just like as I walk away from her, its as though I am

stepping back onto the planet after months.

I really have to come back to the real world.

It's an indescribable feeling and I'm still trying to  figure out if I enjoy it or not.

In the mean time, while she is going to school again and trying to save gas and money, I hope she does try to work at Carolines again. Salima applied as well. And it would be very nice to work with her. At this point I really just need to surround myself with people I can handle working with often to prevent me from quitting.

Obviously I wouldn't quit until I had another job waiting for me.

I think it's just the fact that I'm being overworked, and underpaid  that it's just had to go to this endless routine. I need some variety.

School is coming to an end at such a perfect time. Which it usually seems to do. Comes and goes quite nicely.

I was finally able to sign up for classes the other day. I am on a wait list for my English 1A class I had taken my first semester and failed. Jill is also wait listed and planning on adding in.

Along with that is a Science class, but not normal science.. It's called Environmental Studies & the Human Impact. Which should be interesting.

And last but certainly not least.... ASL!!

I'm thrilled to be taking my first real Sign Language class. I'm not quite sure why but I just feel so strongly for deaf culture and the whole shah-bang.

As a gift to myself for completing my second year of college I am planning on getting Hulu and perhaps even Netflix as well. I plan on catching up with my Switched at Birth, Misfits, Glee, and so on. I've never been so excited to be lazy. Oh boy..

I'll tell you about my experience with art and such from the other day, tomorrow or soon. Howard Levine is a great man. And his home gave me just enough inspiration to make it through the rest of the semester and even through summer perhaps. I'll leave it at that.

It's getting late and I work the morning shift, so I better get some beauty sleep.

Goodnight and sweet dreams dear you.

Makeup-less Me.
"flyaways"

9:24pm

Two things,
1.} I'm not pregnant- my period started this morning.
2.} Which is now resulting in my inner uterus wall lining falling off and causing my lower stomach to want to die a little.

But hey, it's better than me forcing a watermelon out of a tiny hole.
That will just have to wait.

Nothing much else happened thats of worthy note.
I'm becoming quite the webcam whore.
It's the worst/best thing ever.

This is my best friend Juleia.

Samuel. <3

And this is my life.

10:45pm

Big Dave died today.
Rachael Webb's mom did a few days ago.
When I had found out about Rachael's mom I balled my eyes out.. not because I knew her or anything, I mean I had probably met her once or twice..
But it made me think of Rachael and how she doesn't deserve that. She is such a wonderful girl and dancer and she deserves a mom to be in her life. Then it made me think of my mom. Which is the real reason why I was crying. I miss my mom. The other day was Mother's Day. And I had made a status just thanking every woman who had been like a mom to me when mine wasn't. It wasn't until the next day that I had sort of felt bad about what I said. And that I didn't say anything to my mom via text.

I have to remind myself that she doesn't text me unless it's a holiday and even then, if she remembers.

Not to mention that she hasn't been a part of my life in years..

She doesn't even pay child support anymore, at least not for me.

So she doesn't deserve a text message from me, right?

It's just the good person in me that wishes I had some sort of relationship with her.

I need her sometimes.

Sam is getting worried because my pills were over 3 days ago and I still haven't started my period.

Finals and everything are also coming up, so I am assuming it's because of stress.

I guess this may be my first official "pregnancy scare". So awesome..

Sam is more nervous than I am.

I can't really be stressed about it. I need to relax so my body can realize it's time for my vagina to leak red shit.

Secret: How awful is it that I may sort of kinda be a little okay with the idea of being pregnant? If Sam and I talked about it, and whatnot I would make it work. If Ryan Well's can be a single mom at my age, then anything is possible right?

I know I would be a good mom. I know I want to be a mom, and I love Sam. I know he would be a good dad one day. But he has also made it clear- he isn't ready for a baby. Which I understand. Financially it's not a good time.

I'm sure I'm not even pregnant. That would just be too much like a movie. And I'm just about done with movie-type shit happening to me this semester.

I work the morning shift so I better go, but these are just some of the things that are happening/going through my head.

Goodnight

6:20pm

I enjoy watching films and reading books that make me cry. Or at least feel different after. I mean, isn't that what they're supposed to do? Make you feel.
I can't watch The Truman Show alone because its too relatable and makes me feel funny after.
So I changed it to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Which is another movie that makes me feel.
Sometimes it does more than other times. Considering I've watched it a good 40x.
This was one of the 'feels' times.
Every time around the end, when Oskar is laying in his mothers lap and he has just destroyed his CZI (collapsible zone index) and he tells her a quote his father once told him, "I really love your mother, she's such a good girl...."
And the actress (whom I love) reacts just perfectly. She cries. And it gets me every time. And Oskar replies by telling her that he doesn't tell her he loves her enough. Which she of course denies.

Sam told me he loved me on March 18th. 3 days after my birthday.
For my birthday Yusef, Juleia, Sam, and myself all went to Santa Cruz. As I had hoped. It was a quick trip but worth it. I needed some ocean water to hit these feet. I feel like I really have to try and remember it all though. Nothin happened but, it's just so hard to explain.
I feel like I don't get excited over things anymore. I feel like I'm losing emotions. Excitement being one of them.
Dad booked a trip to Florida for him, Blake, and I in July. It should be fantastic but I'm still not overwhelmed by it at all.
I told him I am really looking forward to it, but I won't show it until I'm packing my bags and on my way there.

Khrista is gone. Her last day was my birthday. She's been gone a while now and it doesn't feel much different. I guess that just hasn't hit me yet.

Friday the 22nd was the first time Sam and I had sex.
I should have been cured from the awful thing I never want to think about ever again a while ago. They said they wanted me to come back in 3 months to make sure it really is gone.

I'm sure it is. It has to be.

But today after work I got a call from a number I did not recognize. I was also driving so I didn't answer. I parked at Incredible Pets parking lot and listened to my voicemail. A woman named Judy said she was looking for Monica and needed to talk about some test results.
I called her back twice.
I haven't heard back yet.
The clinic is only open Mondays and Wednesdays.
And even typing that makes my stomach feel awful.

But I'm trying not to worry until there is a reason to. I just wish they worded things better. Made it clear if I should be worried or not.
"Nothing to worry about, just give us a call when you're free- Judy."
"This is an urgent message! Please call back at once!"

Is that so hard?

So it's spring break. And dads trip to Australia is coming up. April 3rd to be exact. That hasn't hit me yet either.
I guess I just choose to ignore that. Because I wish it were me. Like Spain and Greece.

Oh well, best not dwell on what might have been.

I also pierced my nose. Just the nostril. I am a very good daughter.

I better go.
Talk to you soon.