I hate Facebook. It's impossible to keep your thoughts straight.
Knowing things makes me feel sick. And shaky and shitty. It's inescapable.
The blame game gets old so I can't keep doing that. But damn it! Had I had a normal parent maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty about these things.
Maybe I'm just in an emotional state today. But then again maybe I have reason to feel my stomach churning.
I hate being vague.
I shouldn't be vague here.
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I guess I'll just change subject so I can try and stop feeling sick.
My birthday is officially 1 week away.
(Perhaps that wasn't the best subject change..)
I have a morning shift which is fine. Emmit and Beau will be there.
Then I work the next day in the morning. So much for having a few days off- but that doesn't matter either.
I'm doing my best to distract myself from the countdown, and really I've done a fantastic job. It wasn't until later this afternoon I realized how soon it was.
Tattoo is coming up as well as the 5 month mark. All exciting things.
Then my birthday has to come and fuck it all up.
(Stop being negative. Stop overthinking. Just let the fucking day happen. Whatever happens that day doesn't matter.)
*repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat*
b r e a t h e. Breathe for the love of scout just breathe for a moment. Stop the urge to cry for whatever built up reason(s) you've come to make.
Go swing. Go walk. Go find a damn distraction.
You should probably shower. Your roots are making it clear you need it.
But you cry in showers sometimes. And we are trying to avoid that. So maybe wait till tonight.
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I miss Juleia.
And Janna.
And Rachel.
And my sister.
But tomorrow is dinner at The Nettles'. So I'll be surrounded by family and Emmit will go and it should be nice.
(Hey focus on that!)
Not the sad things. Not the bad things the internet brings.
Focus on the nice things. Like how you just gifted yourself with new nose jewelry. And cute moccasin boots.
Think about how you can spend your birthday with your family this year and not feel like everyone forgot it because you didn't drive to Santa Cruz like last year.
If that is what you end up doing. Wait- stop thinking about your birthday. Go back to dinner and your shoes.
Just get off your phone. Turn it off or something. Idk
But this may not be helping.
But remember to shower later. You probably stink.
