11:26am

Well. That's it. This semester is over. All these emotions came flooding out and inside of me the minute I handed the last few sheets of paper to my professor, placed my hand on the doorknob, turned and stepped back out into the chill of the breeze that is here today. I have so many thoughts racing through my head and yet at the same time, I have nothing.

I'm worried, but I'm not.
I have given up, but I have a plan.
I want to celebrate, but I'm sad.
Reward myself, although I deserve nothing.

I've just been tired. Fucking tired for months. And it makes me wonder how anyone else can do it. But harder. Pushing themselves to take more advanced classes, farther away from home so that if they fuck up.. They are screwed. They don't have mom or dad or anyone near to comfort them. They have strangers they just met in the same god damn boat.
So I ask myself.. Why do I want to get on that boat so badly? Put myself into that position. In harms way. But not though. It's not dangerous to leave the comfortable box you were placed in the day you were born. It's not dangerous. It's a risk, but we were all meant to leave sooner or later, weren't we?
Explore. Challenge ourselves. Prove everyone wrong. Yeah, I think we are. Regardless of the protection anyone tries to give me. I need to branch out. I need to try harder. I need to wake up.

Everyone is coming back from school for summer. And I don't feel okay.
I feel weird and sick and sad all at the same time. Because I feel like no one should have ever left. Either that or I should have gone with them.

I've almost been working at Caroline's for a year. In a few more months I'll be there. And that makes me proud and sad. All of it makes me want to cry.

I was looking at Blake's yearbook last night. And that made me sad too. Really Really sad. Like I wish I had never left high school. So what if I was one of those people who hated summer vacation, I missed seeing my friends. And hell, yeah even my teachers too. But that's because I didn't have the freedom to go to the river or away whenever I wanted like most other friends of mine. I stayed home. I read. Or fought with my brother because we were seeing to much of each other.

I want things to change. I want to be able to do whatever I want and not be judged or punished for it. I feel like an annoying botch for complaining and being so negative but it feels so fucking good to just write.....
It's been so long since I've had the time or energy to just fucking say everything I have needed too.

I think I started this right before my first semester of college. I could be wrong though.
I don't remember and frankly I'm not even sure how relevant that statement is. But fuck it. I'm tired and have to work today.

I'll write later tonight.