I needed to get it off my chest before I let it effect me at work another day.
Absolutely crazy news to receive out of nowhere.
I should start off with the bad news so that I can end this post with good things.
So Yesterday I worked with Salima, who I hadn't worked with in a few days and so I was excited.
She said she had news that she shouldn't tell but I made her..
Whether that was a good idea or not I'm not sure. I haven't heard news this awful since geez.. I'm not even sure when.
And the worst part is that I can't even do anything to help.
Larkin has cancer.
She has leukemia. And I can't even say it out loud without crying. I have so many questions that go unanswered, so many things I want to do to help, I want to see her, I want hug her.. anything. I want to text Sam and let him know I'm there. I want Cleo and Henry back as friends. It's not fair that because I took myself out of a bad situation I lose all these people that I liked.
The Fay family is a sad family. They are all probably a little depressed and that's unfortunate. I may get that from my dad. I look for people in need and I just want to help. Shy people, quiet, soft spoken, just people who I feel I can make happy or bring out of their shell.
Well you can't help everyone. And you barely change anyone.
But I still miss people. Whether it be the Fay's, or my classmates from Kindergarten. I'm on;y human and I have a very sensitive side for sad people.
FUCK. IT JUST MAKES ME SO FUCKING SAD THAT I CAN'T HELP AT ALL. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW SO I HAVE TO ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY. EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY. LARKIN HAS CANCER AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.
Salima said that most people that get cancer at such a young age have a 100% chance of recovery. So I need to calm down. She will survive. But these next 6 months or chemotherapy will ruin her. She will lose all her hair. Her long beautiful hair. She will be sick. Most likely fall behind with school. She will disappear for 6 months. And I kind of want to disappear with her.
I have always had such a soft spot in my heart for her. Ever since she was in 8th grade with Blake.
I think the worst part of all of this, is that she doesn't deserve it. Any of it. Sure I feel like she may be hanging out with the wrong group of people and whatnot, but she is curious and like the rest of her family. Which I think is saying enough.
I'm almost at a loss for words.
I feel like I have so much more to say about all of this. I want to tell my dad. I want to tell Blake. I want to let random people know what is going on with this girl they don't know.. Just so I'm not the only one that is crying.
I want to stay home for a few days and just cry. Get all my tears and sadness out and accept the fact I can do nothing here. I want to say it would be better if it were someone in my family or myself, because during a divorce and everything else that family may be going through, she shouldn't have cancer. Not Larkin, Not that upbeat 8th grader who played all the sports. Not that girl who used to follow me on Instagram. Not that girl who looks just like her sister. No that girl who I thought of as a sister once. Not Larkin.
Now to stop the sad for now and try to be happy.
I helped Em move into his new place yesterday. Which now that it's real and really happening I'm very excited for. I love that his room is big and he has lots or space for his new table and a desk and his own living room type set up. It's all working out in his favor. (Hunger Games Puns ftw.)
I'm excited to see how everything plays out. Hard to say much more about it when it's only been a day. But he slept there last night and woke up and said he felt good to wake up there.
I know I have a hard time sleeping in new places most of the time. At least the first night in a new house I'll tend to wake up and get water or something just to remind myself where I am.
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Valentines Day was just a few days ago. I worked all day then went to dinner at Lefty's for the first time. Which was really good. Jake made reservations for him, Maddie, Emmit, Myself, Courtney, and Kyle. So the 6 of us enjoyed it. I wasn't having the best day earlier since I don't know why. Just stressed because I think I have things to do like homework and I', not sure and I still don't have one book I need.
But this is the happy part of my post remember?
And I looked up the due dates for my homework quizzes and I still have a day or two. And there is no school Monday so I have alllllll day to do everything I need. I can get the older edition of the book in need and use it for now, and catch up on everything I need to tomorrow.
So I can just relax for a bit.
I need to get ready for work is what I really need to do.
I really enjoy how much more I've been writing. And I think it has a lot to do with being more active in many ways. With going outside on hikes or signing up for a Pilate's class or camping more. It all started when Emmit and I went on more dog walks. He gave me things to write about. Not just things, but good things. I finally have happy posts to read again. (With the exception of the first half of this one.) But I'm going to continue writing and trying to keep it more on the happy side.
I'll do my best.
Until next time.
