10:25pm

Same day, another post.

Sorry the drive too so long to get back to LA. Glad you are there safe and sound though.
Who is Annie Hall?

I'm going to read.

Meow.

:3

8:39pm

There may still be hope.. 

Hope that I pass my math and English classes.

But who knows. I know I don't..

I guess we shall see.

I'm thinking of changing my name, on my blog that is. No more Autodidact, instead something a tad different.

We shall see.

I'm trying to expand my vocabulary.

So I was thinking of some good words to describe items we sell to potential customers.

I came up with:

• Plethora
• Abundance
• Surplus

and I think that was it.

I got a new bra and some underwear yesterday. That was pretty neat.

And some mascara, was running low.

This is my mascara. Works wonders.

I highly approve of my sisters boyfriend, he is really encouraging her to get a matching tattoo with me (which I have been saying for quite some time now..) But now that he is like, "Yeah!" she is like "Hmmm maybe (;"

Yeah.. idk.. anyways today she told me to think of SMALL ideas and I came up with the perfect one.

I don't even care how cliche it may be.

This is where I want mine to be.

Or possibly here?



I have been thinking about _____ all day. Wishing they would text me.

Send me a random funny picture.

Tell me they are thinking about me.

Ask me a question, anything.

Tell me their problems.

Some sort of interaction would be nice.

I'm pathetic and miss him.

I would really enjoy going to Cornish Christmas with him.

But if he is busy or can't do it then I'll work.

Still figuring things out.

Hmmm..

Bleh.

Anyways, long story short, She is my anchor. My one and only true constant. She has been through my exact life pattern and can talk me through my issues no matter what.

I could not ask for a better human to be related to. She is the peanut-butter to my jelly. The Mac to my Cheese. She is my anchor. And I hope she agrees to this idea. Nothing seems better than this.

10:02pm

Yesh, another pm post. Get over it.

I had to deal with the SHITTIEST FUCKING driver on my way home for my loooonnnnnnggggg ass day at work and school.
So I wrote this douche-bag stranger a letter.

Dear Mystery Douche,
      
       I hope you choke on a dick chode and die. Perhaps that will teach you to flip me off and tailgate me multiple miles.
                                                                           Fuck you,
                                                                                             Monica.

On a brighter note, I'm kinda understanding what we are learning in my math class. Logarithms. <3 meh..

Amber and myself went inside the bookstore across from work a few days ago, I purchased 5,6, & 7 of the Harry Potter books. Couldn't have asked for a better day.

I got more photos on my Canon AE-1 than in digital. Which I plan on developing those tomorrow. (:
Craft fair was verrrry nice. Got to see my sister and nephew for a bit. Introduced Traece to her and then she had to leave. So him and I walked around for a few hours and chatted and just enjoyed each others company. <3 <3 <3 <3
(I'm such a 6th grader....omgsh..)
Haha, but really it was great. I hope to do something like that again sometime with him. We shall see.
Now do I wear my tight gray dress and leggings tomorrow that show off my figure? (; or My tight jeans and some sort of attractive top? I do have photo and want to look nice...... (:

Wish I never started straightening my hair. Or at least didn't do it so often when I was younger to the point where I have parts that will not curl anymore. ):

Well, what can ya do?

I'll try to write tomorrow.

6:37am

Did you see it?? Yeah that's right, that says AM. Crazy.
Not really though. I switched shifts with Corrie so I could get off in time for the craft fair at the fairgrounds with my sister. (Which I am very excited for!) I even invited Traece and I think he may really tag along! Which would be quite grand if he did (;
Sorry for the abrupt ending to my post yesterday.. Pretty hilarious conversation with Traece's friend Braydon's drunk dad Mark.

Tongueeeeeee Twisterrrrrrrrrrrr!

As you can see, I'm hoping for a very good morning and day planned ahead of me.

OH MY LORD I ALMOST FORGOT!

I hung up stockings yesterday at work!

Now, if that doesn't scream it's Christmas time I don't know what will.

And it's true, what they say..

It's the Happiest Season of Alllllllllllll! <3

(that was so time consuming. BUT WORTH IT.)

Now time for some cuteness!
(hairless guinea pig.)
LOOKS LIKE A BABY HIPPO.



10:15pm

Twas Thanksgiving but just a few days ago, and man did I get some amazing shots! Shoot. I'm thrilled. They are of my twin cousins, Parker and Cole. I'll let you see for yourself.

I could die..

That is all Parker, I got a few of his brother Cole but not many.

I'm currently on the phone talking with Traece. Quite the experience. I dig it.

I better go take a shower.



I'll write tomorrow.

8:30pm

Very good day in photo.
Accomplished quite a bit and was just in an all around good mood.
I made 2 paintings in my art class.
Almost finished a roll of film of Amber in a bookstore across the street from work.
{which I fell deeply in love with.}

But I'm tired now. And warm.

Really don't want to go to school tomorrow. At all.

I don't like those classes.

I feel like I'm failing them, and I don't even care.

I only care because I know I'm disappointing my dad.

And even then,

shit.

9:53pm

I keep thinking of things to say.

I've just been looking over i am not Ana's 365 day project and just can't help but  be inspired and want to take pictures. Oh so many pictures.
Planning on taking some of Amber tomorrow for a photo project.
I've been wearing dresses for the past few days.

Today I wore shorts with leggings under and my best friends Oxfords she left here when she went back to Texas. I didn't even care that they are 2 sizes too big. Could barely tell.

Chances are I'll wear that same outfit again this week.
I want to upload videos to here but my HD videos are too advanced for blogger I suppose... ;)
Lets give it another go shall we?

I wish I could get off the computer and make another hat or sketch and such but now I am committed to uploading these videos to my YouTube. Why do I do this to myself? Real stupid.

Laundry can kill time. Huzzah!

God damn. This video is just not going to freaking load and I'm exhausted.

I love the feeling I get when Scout and I are just so tired we can fall right into bed and sleep right away.

It's one of those nights.

8:41pm

Same Day New Post.

I want to be her.

So inspiring it is stupid.

She is who made me believe I can pull off red hair.

Which is still going to happen.

Meow.

8:21pm

I want to use my pastels. I'm in a pastel kind of mood.

Which is nice seeing as how I have a mixed media project due soon.

Oh snap, Ratatouille is on.

10:02pm

Finally got my typewriter.

It looks like this one.

I wrote you a letter on it, but you already know that.
I need to write a few more. I'll send it along with the barbell.

Gah, I'm so tired..

I need to sleep.

I will sleep.

Goodnight

9:30am

Feeling like today has potential to be real nice.
Now to make the hardest decision of the morning:

Dress or jeans.

I love you Scout.



10:13pm

Same day, different post.

Homework, go be a slut and find someone else to do you.

I need to go wash out my cup with my split pea soup in it, seeing as how its starting to smell less than tasty.

I've been thinking about you lately, wish you'd stop by soon.

Guess my mom called this morning at 6:30AM ish.

I was asleep, my dad answered the house phone and she instantly hung up.

That's about that.

A few days until Thanksgiving and I will most likely be spending it alone.

Which has potential to be nice.

Let Blake and Dad go do their thing, I'll do mine.

I need to take off my socks, I'm getting toasty.

I'm too tired to take them off.

I cannot remember if my dog is upstairs or down.

I want something cold to run down my throat.

We picked out our Secret Santa's for work the other night.

It is November 18th, 2011.

Not even Thanksgiving yet,

and I've already started listening to Christmas carols.

Thank you Michael Buble.

I'm sorry I don't have the little 'e' with the swoosh mark over it so it looks like I've misspelled bubble.

Good grief I want something sugary.

I should plan ahead, and not upload videos to my YouTube account late at night. That way I won't have to stay up till they are done.

I need to go bra and underwear shopping.

And finish my roll in my camera.

Goodbye split pea soup.

Goodnight world,

goodnight moon.

9:40pm

One day I'll fly, just like the rest of them.

Oh, yew know..

If this doesn't scream, "I RUN THIS SHIT!" I'm not sure what will.

Some photo's from the great and mighty Santa Cruz getaway.

9:37pm

This is all I need. Really, all I need.

To live there would be ideal. Better yet, Santa Cruz. I did just get back a few days ago from a 2 day trip with 3 friends and looked at a college there. Of course I was heart broken because I had fallen in love all over again, and known that my father would not be supportive. But that is that and I'm going to make my hope come true. Or at least try damn hard to make it happen.

It rained a few days ago , and is supposed to tomorrow. I plan on staying home and catching up on homework. Maybe invite  friend over, sip on some tea, hope I don't nap.

Developed some film and made a few prints today. Need to go purchase more paper in order to make more prints though. I really don't want to spend all that money on paper though. Oh well.
I finished making my sister's and nephew's beanies. I have just enough yarn left over for a headband for me. :) Think I may go work on that now.


I missed blogging.

Sleep well whoever may be reading this.

8:37pm

Plans, please don't change. I need some ocean.

9:30pm

I've been sketching lately. And the weather has been nice and windy. Not sure the last time I actually did something with my hair and I want some Earl Grey.

I just got a package in the mail from my dear friend. Although I was tired, it inspired me to draw and/or take pictures. But sadly seeing as how we moved our clocks back it now gets darker earlier, so that wouldn't have happened. But I can still sketch.
After I make some tea. (:

Ugh.. I have several tabs open {including Facebook of course.} So I still have yet to get my tea. It's 10:47pm.

11:32, Earl is finally up against my lips.

This was a really nice day.

It rained a few days ago, mostly during the night. And I had some time to kill before I headed out for school, so I got a few videos and pictures. I believe they are still on my camera though. I'll try to upload those tomorrow, or really today.. seeing as how it;s 12:20.

Well, now I should sleep. I'll post tomorrow.
G'night.

9:55pm

I apologize for my last post. I guess I had something built up and just let loose.

My right foot is falling asleep. When I was little I called that "pins and needles" because that is the only way I could describe it. As I grew older I learned that there was an actual name for it.


It's to the point where I feel like I'm just never going to be happy.
I've hit a new low.
I just want to become a mute so I won't feel like I'm wasting my time talking. To anyone.
I can't take it anymore. I'm done with the human race, or at least just the ones in this town.

Something has to change. Just has to.
:(

8:20pm

FUCK YOU DAD. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE TO WALK THE FACE OF THE PLANET. I'M SO INCREDIBLY DONE WITH YOU AND ALL THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY IT'S SICK.
YOU CAN GO TAKE YOUR GUILT TRIPS, SMART ASS COMMENTS YOU MUTTER UNDER YOUR BREATH, AND YOUR FUCKED UP WAY OF RAISING  SHELTERING YOUR DAUGHTER AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS.
THEN FOR YOU TO COME INTO MY ROOM RIGHT THEN AND ASK ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS YOU KNOW I WON'T ANSWER JUST TO MAKE ME MAD AND UPSET AND ANGRY? OH AND THEN YOU GO OFF MUTTER YOUR COMMENTS.. YET AGAIN.. AS YOU GO TO PROBABLY CRY IN YOUR ROOM? FUCK YOU. YOU'RE BEING MOM. AND THAT'S ALL WE NEED RIGHT NOW..
THANK YOU SO GOD DAMNED MUCH FOR NOW-YET AGAIN- MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT. YEAH, YOU WORK ALL DAY AND THEN HAVE TO DO SHIT AROUND THE HOUSE, YOU THINK BLAKE AND I ARE LAZY. I GUESS YOU FORGOT THAT I HAVE A JOB TOO, AND SCHOOL ON TOP OF THAT. OH AND THEN CHORES AND BULLSHIT TOO, SO I'M SOOOOO FUCKING SORRY IF I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. FUCK THIS ECONOMY, I'LL MAKE IT FUCKING WORK. I HAVE TO, BECAUSE THERE IS NOW ONLY SO MUCH LONGER I CAN STAND LIVING HERE WITH YOU. HOPE YOU REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH I DO ONCE I'M GONE.

7:39pm

I took a drive to my old town I grew up in and saw all my old grammar school teachers.
Made me sad.. surprised I didn't cry. My old best friend in the word, Rachel, and I would go over occasionally every year or so when no one was there and we would swing on the swing set and sing and reminisce and cry.

Oh and I went there with my old friend Sean, who coincidentally lives in my old house. So I got to see that too. Sad.
Meh.
He pierced my web for me though!

Piercing count now at 5.

So yeah, that was my day.

8:02pm

"She always wrote in cursive, even her numbers looked like it.."

I had a  dream about you a few nights ago. I was at your funeral and lots of people were there. Not a soul I knew. It was outside and there were tents up above all the long tables in front of your casket. I remember a guy going up and making jokes and people were laughing and the minute he walked up I crossed my arms and put my head down in them on the table and automatically started crying.

Every once in a while someone would come and rub my back but otherwise it was as if they were pretending I wasn't there.

I guess everyone had finally gone up, said their jokes, made the crowd smile, and I had finally gained composure to go and say what had to be said. The truth.

How you were not meant to be a mom.

How dad was there when I got my period.

How you made everything difficult.

            Yet I still find myself crying some nights because I can find a spot deep down in my heart that misses you.

Those nights like tonight.

Anyways. I was wiping my tear stained cheeks and was walking up to your body, opened my mouth and..

then I woke up. I got a text message from a co-worker asking if I could cover for her for 30 minutes. {Which I did.}

But whatever amount of money I will receive in my paycheck will amount to nothing. I would give it all back to go back to that dream and see what exactly I said so that I can keep notes for the real thing.

_________________________________________________

Halloween was fine I suppose. I went to math then didn't go to English at all because I was called into work. Which was fine because I dressed up and was in a wonderful mood. Later that night I just hung out with Krisanna and Amber for a few hours and we all went outside a Haunted House for a bit then I went home and took a shower. Now its today and it was fine. Went to work during the 2 hours I had between bringing Blake to school and my first class. Actually had to help them since they were short one person. Traece wasn't in photo, not a big deal and I really don't care. Spent some time with Jeffrey in between my photo and painting class. Then worked pretty hard on my painting in class. After I came home and got on the computer.

This is just the outline for him. I've painted him since.

_________________________________________________

Well, my cheeks are dry now and that is good. I'm listening to Bon Iver and that is also good. I guess I just needed that. To cry really hard and just get it out.

I should be working on my homework, but I couldn't. Not under the conditions.

I needed to express and just write.

_________________________________________________

Driving to Target with you at about 8pm a few nights ago was needed. Being lesbians for a night at In & Out was the icing on top of the cake. But then again it might not have been. The moment we looked at each other when you were coming back from paying for gas was special. And on our way back to my house and you got sad when I told you about my dream. I liked that too. You mean a lot to me. Just so you know.

The quote in the very begining was said by me. About you mom.