6:16pm

I love Emmit so much. He is just so wonderful. Brought me flowers the other night since my face was still puffy and numb. We watched a movie and then he went home. He basically covered my morning shift today and just makes me smile. He knows I'm hurting and just hugs me right.

I saw Mockingjay part 1 today with Dad, Bob, and Terrie. It was pretty good. Just can't wait until the second half comes out. It will be even better since it will have more of the action and such involved.

It's been raining and cold out. Which is really nice and makes me want to paint. Which I really should do. Thinking about Christmas. And Thankgiving.. Fingers crossed I'll be totally healed and able to eat by then.

Trying to do most of my Christmas shopping before December even arrives. And so far I'm doing okay.

Anyways, just wanted to recap what has been happening. And how much I appreciate Emmit. 

11:41pm

I love Emmit so much. His phone voice makes me so happy. Even while I'm groggy, swollen, and numb he listens. 

Love him so much. 

10:14pm

Cru is in jail.  

6:32pm

Wisdom teeth are out. Still a little swollen and numb. But not in pain so that's good.

Elas's dance performance is tonight. Have to miss that. As well as the midnight premier or Mockingjay part 1. It's not soo huge. But still kind of a bummer.

Em never came to see me today with icecream or anything. Neither did Soph. That's alright, I've been sleeping most the time anyways.

Hopefully I'll be a bit more active tomorrow. 

7:55pm

Didn't get the job at Mint. As expected. It's okay.

Today I had my consultation regarding wisdom teeth.

Friday is the day.. Not thinking too much of it. But stil a little nervous. I just hope they let me keep my teeth.

Last night was crazy. Cru made me cry and got me angry I have no idea what even happened. He has changed so much and hit this new high. Acting like some sort of savant. Talking at me and saying all these things.. It was overwhelming to say the least.

He's found numerology and life paths. 

Thinks he needs to save everyone from their sadness. Find forgiveness and love. It was like he was straight injected with yoga and hemp that night. It was outrageous. Talking hippie like never before.

Luckily the night ended fine. I went home and crashed- intending on sleeping in only to wake up early and then go on a dog walk. It was actually really really beautiful and the best solo walk (with Scout) I've been on.

Unsure if it had anything to do with the release of negativity Cru said I cried out the night before.. But I'm going to say it was the leaves. The trees and all were  more than I could explain. I wish I could just live in this weather all the time. Live in the Empire Mine. I most definitely will miss it most once I leave. 

8:30pm

Had my interview at Mint today. Went very well as expected. Then opened my check to find I got a raise.

Cheers to having to turn down rad jobs to be financially happy.

Guess we will just have to see what they say. I gave them unrealistic expectations. But not really.

Cried too much over shit that hasn't even played all the way through. 

9:41am

Okay. Lets get down to business. I need to blog more (pretty much a constant issue mentioned in every post..)

Halloween happened. Pretty mellow just went to a party at Skye's house. Lots of weed and drinking and such. The usual.. I even cried and Emmit and I talked about some stuff that was bothering me for a while, so all in all it was a good thing. we are growing and learning each other more and more.

Yesterday was our year +1 month.
Pretty neat.
I actually haven't seen him in 2 days since our schedules have been clashed entirely and I spent the night at Sophie's apartment in Sac the oner night. But I'm pretty sure we work together today.

Now what I really wanted to mention was that Olivia Steele just sent me a message on Facebook letting me know she had put in her 2 weeks at Mint and referred me as her replacement. She feels I can rise to the responsibility and fill her place with the job and social media portion of it all.
Lately things at Carolines have been rough. Taking this semester off has been pretty hard, working 40 hour work weeks.. its wearing me down. Especially with training.
So I can only see this being good for me. I'm excited.
she said they would call me and set up an interview soon so thats kinda nerve-wracking. Haven't had one of those in 3 years.. but its time. Corrie and Courtney are moving in January and its about time for me to make a change. And since I'm only taking one class next semester I don't see that being too huge a problem.

Today is Dad's birthday so I have to go buy him a candle or something real quick before work. but that was my update for the day! Fingers crossed I continue updating this thing. God only knows how much I've needed to. For my sanity..

Until next time!

11:42am

I'm sure doing a shitty job at this blogging thing as of lately.. I just need to make a better effort of it. Saying the good things more often and venting a little bit of the bad-ish stuff. Just find a happy medium.

I'm actually not sure what I mentioned last. But Emmit and I finally went to Oregon. It was such a wonderful trip holy crap. I took loads of photos including lots on my film camera.. Which resulted in 2 wasted rolls. Nothing came out. So that sucked. But you live and you learn.

Thankfully that's not all I used.

Here are some I enjoyed the most from my Nikon. I'll go further into detail hopefully soon. But I have to go to work. 

7:50pm

Tomorrow morning Em and I are driving to Oregon and I’m trying my best to contain my excitement..!!

We have been taking about this road trip for so long and now it’s finally here.

Going at it with hardly a plan and cameras near at all times.
Checking out schools and the area. Exploring. Familiarizing. Enjoying our time together most of all. Not being coworkers for a week will be so nice.

We will be there the 8th-14th.


(The 11th is our 1 year mark…….. Very much in shock) but oh so very happy.
Happy happy happy. That’s what he makes me. Just about all the time.
I’m thrilled to be in a town that 
s c r e a m s autumn when the season is just starting to peak through.

I’m rambling but it’s because I’m so excited. Yeah. I’m sure you’ll hear more as the adventure happens.

10:00pm

Had the day off. Got some shots on film and lots on digital of my nephew and sister and all that family. 4 generations and the lighting was grand.

Stayed for dinner and that was nice too.

I've been talking a lot to Charisse and I enjoy that a bunch.

-------------------------------------

I met up with Em for an hour or so. We were going to try and get some Oregon research done but he slept for the majority of the day and then we saw his mom and sister.

I always enjoy seeing them.

Lately I've been in the mood to draw, and I need to make that a priority.

I wake up early tomorrow for work (yay for seeing Sophie!) (seeing as how it's the weekend)..

And then after I'm taking photos of Juleia and her family. Going for a second round at the Empire Mine since I royally fucked up last time. 

(Still can't believe I lost an effing memory card.) so I won't let that happen ever again.

Anyways. It's been pretty mellow. But I'm still very tired. I find that these days are when I'm somehow even the most tired. I don't know..

So I'm gonna call it a night.

8:16pm

We have the 8th-15th off!! I can't even begin to describe my excitement. (Mainly because it hasn't hit me.) And most likely won't until we are on the road.

We will probably take my car and then stay with Dallas when we get there. But Em wants to camp a little bit on our way there. And I'm not opposed to that. I'm so looking forward to this.. I need a break from my 40 hour work weeks. I know I need to save up but I also need to live.

Can't wait to look at schools, take photos, explore shops and whatnot. Do things that I didn't get to when I went last year. This is all becoming real. Future stuff. It's happening.

8:21pm

Don't mind me. Just being an emotional girl.

I give and I give and I give.

I need things in return.

I'm not asking much. 

6:37pm

I could do this living alone thing. Staying home while dad and Blake are hunting. Drinking tea.

Making fires.

Lighting candles.

Hocus Pocus on repeat.

I'm not complaining.

I walked Scout, had a almond milk chai, had a nice conversation with a homeless man named John, went home and finished up the signs for Alexis's wedding, went back to where I met John and took photos with my Nikon. Went to the store and got new mascara, then went home and edited the photos I took. Decided I was really cold and headed to Carolines to make a tea (Market Spice with cream) that I'm currently drinking.

Which brings us to where we are now.

All in all Id say it's been a nice produtive day off which isn't common. So I feel good. The walk this morning was what really got to me. The ground was wet, it was sunny but there was a cool breeze. It was just lovely. Seeing the dead dry leaves on the ground and small water droplets here and there. It really just felt so nostalgic and comforting. I felt so happy.

Walks such as those must happen again. 

11:54pm

Work summer (during fall) BBQ was tonight. Pretty fun. You didn't come over after and I'm a little bitter about it. I'll get over it but still.

It's been raining the past few days. Just as it is currently. Wish you were here cuddling me. At least I have Scout.

You know how I dont like to be alone. Hope dad and Blake are staying dry.

I need to work on the signs for Alexis and her wedding. I also really want a new piercing. Who knows what tomorrow could bring. Second day off and I'm way too eager. If I could just not go back to work that would be too perfect.

Did I mention that Hocus Pocus is on? All I need is a little drizzle, leaves falling, some occasional sunshine with a cool breeze, halloween movie marathons, and some cozy clothes. So far I've received a few of these things.

I also had Kristy redye my hair the other night. Always love how red and vibrant it is. (After I get over the initial shock)

But I'm sleepy and this rain is making me doze off on the couch.

I'm going to try and write more. 

9:53am

My doctor referred me to the mental health building. They just called and want me to go to their seminar.
They asked me if I was going to hurt myself or others or planned or had ever had thoughts of suicide..

I have p a n i c attacks.

Not a n x i e t y attacks. 

How’s your Tuesday going?

10:30pm

Today you flew to Jersey to visit your pop ad sister. And of course your aunt who is ill. You'll be away for 5 days, and I hope you miss me. You say you will and that's true but I want you to miss me more than I will you. And I'm doing my best to not miss you so much. Even if it's just a night away before I see you again. You've sure got a hold on me. Your my best friend and I want to go back to being the cutest friends ever. Back when you said some of the most genuine and kindest things I had ever read. I want you to tell me how much I mean to you again. I want screenshot worthy things.

I'm sick of all my paranoia. It's just nonsense. Sometimes I wish I didn't even have an iPhone at all so I would have no way of making obsessive habits and such. Unhealthy things.

I was so good then I got bad again. Now I'm going to stop. I'll leave my phone in my car or in my purse. I'll just take my pocket knife and camera and just whittle you up something nice.

I hope your aunt gets better. And I hope you come home and want to hold me against your skin. Sleep with me and not push me away. Although I know it's just sleepy you that does it. When really you don't mean to. And I promise to stop taking it personally when it's just your subconscious that is pushing me away and not real you.

I love you so much and I'm trying to not freak out over my/our future. Trying to not be pushy and needy or suffocating. I want to be normal me. Happy Me that just wants to be outside with you and be in photos together. I want you to understand how much I care for you. And it all may be too much. It may be too sudden but it's what you've done to my head. The way I think, it's quite different now. And I enjoy it. When it doesn't scare me.

I wonder if you read this anymore. I wonder if you still check up on my things at all. Most of what I write is to you. You're such a main character in my book. 

I'm really tired. You never text me to let me know your plane landed and I don't like that. But your phone probably died or I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure I'll hear from you tomorrow.

I need to shower and have my oil changed tomorrow.

I love you, goodnight

9:26pm

Kelly and I are growing closer.

Juleia is pregnant with baby number 2.

I'm still overthinking when it comes to Emmit.

I'm tired and kinda sad/lonely often still. But my tests concerning my health are all practically normal. Which is good but still doesn't explain why I feel the way I do.

It's just me over thinking my life away.

I'm reading a book about an autistic savant and it's very good. And watched The Royal Tenenbaums all the way through. Made the connection that Owen Wilson and Luke Wilson are brothers.

And really liked it in the end. But books and movies like that put me in a weird mindset. Weird place. But it's okay.

I better get to sleep. Just checking in. 

7:03pm

Forcing myself to post something. But they're all good things.

I had the day off.

I slept in.

I showered and cleaned my room. Then went and sent Alexis her photos that I edited right away from her bridal shower.

Saw Emmit on his lunch, then made an appointment to meet with my counselor tomorrow after work. Not to mention the other day I made a dentist appointment and got the name and number for the dentist who can remove my wisdom teeth.

Back to today: went to 3 different thrift stores and purchased a total of 4 books that I've never read before and a case in the shape of a leaf. 

I was able to cross off so many things from my todo list today. I'm realizing that if I make lists of things I need to do I will feel more obligated to accomplish them.

I also went to the dollar store and got a notebook specifically for my todo lists, some leaves to hang up in Caroline's like I do every year, and some pens for the pad of paper.

I spoiled myself today and spent maybe $9.

Go me. Even text Janina and set up a day to meet with her and chat about sign and school and such. I'm excited but also a tad nervous about that. But I'll be fine. I'm doing adult things and feeling good.

After I got off work yesterday I stopped by AAA and saw dad. Talked to him a bit and told him about my dentist app. Then tried to bring up moving to Oregon and school and what all he will do to help. It didn't go long since he had to go talk tobhis boss, but he wasn't very supportive. I need to really talk to Sophie or others and see how real they are with the idea of moving to Oregon. I know I can't do it alone. I need to bring it up with Emmit and see if he would even want to live with me. The idea makes sense but living with someone also can break up a couple. So I'm weary. But also very optimistic about it.

My appointment with my counselor will hopefully tell a lot. If I'm going to Sierra in the spring or completely moving to Oregon and finishing there. The idea of focusing in sign language is starting to scare me more and more. But I need to put the fear aside and own up to the plan. Really do it.

Let's see.. What else. That might have been it for the day. But all in all it was great. Simple but totally nice. 

<--------------->

The other day Emmit went with me to the doctors in Roseville. Kaiser. It was my second time there.

The first time I went alone and cried 3 times. It was completely overwhelming and I'm not sure what came over me. I had a chest X-ray and blood drawn. Just 2 tubes which wasn't much but still. It was unclear to me that the blood test would answer other tests. That I thought needed their own type of procedure altogether. I finally was told that I could go and my results would be online and they would call me.

Now back to the 2nd time I had to go. That morning I was working. I opened and I had been feeling a pressure in my head for a week straight. Like the feeling of what a headache would be right before it actually becomes anything. But it never fully developed. That morning I decided that it had been long enough. I needed all this to be done. Over with. So I went back and requested an MRI. I wanted dad to go with me or Em if he was available since it was his day off. Dad couldn't and neither could Emmit. Then just a little bit before I was off Emmit text me and said he was coming. He had MRI's before and they are kinda scary. No one should have to go through it alone. Especially after crying the last time I went there.

I was overjoyed. So incredibly thankful for him to put aside his prior plans and go with me. It really showed a lot.

So we got there and checked in. I talked to a different doctor. A man this time who was alright, but most likely won't continue seeing him. He is retiring in a few years anyways.

So this time I told him all the symptoms I did with the lady doctor the day before and then mentioned my twitch and other things. So he printed me out some information on panic attacks and said that those are what I'm having. There is a huge difference between a panic and an anxiety attack. Which I was unaware of. Panic attacks are completely random so that makes sense. Where as anxiety attacks are caused from being anxious from something.

He also told me that I did have vertigo. My dizziness was from my ears. There are little hanging guys that keep my ears clean and whatnot. But debris and other junk can block them and hold them the the side and whatnot. Basically get them all discombobulated and then send the message when I'm laying down or whatever that I'm spinning since my other ear isn't matching the opposite.

So until the little dangling guys fix themselves I'll feel dizzy. I can live with that. And my panic attacks. And my twitch. It's what makes me, me.

I just needed to know that none of those things are things I should be worried about. 

I still got a cat scan rather than an MRI. Cat scans have radiation involved. MRI's are a bit more expensive. But still both in my case were unnecessary. I still told him for peace of mind that I would like to have my head scanned just to make sure there is nothing happening we don't know of. No pinched nerves, blocked up veins, whatever. I wanted the security if knowing I was 100% fine.

It was quick and easy and I should have my results by now online.

I did ask about my blood tests and those were all normal. So that was also quite relieving. It was probably an unnecessary trip but it really wasn't. I was long overdue for a check up. Granted it was a bit more than a checkup but it brought peace to my mind. And that's all I ask.

Afterwards Emmit and I met up with Sophie and her brother Alex for sushi. It was delicious. Then we returned some pants at Tillys for Em and I got a dress he really liked. We headed home and had to call on some people for possible drunk driving but each safely made it home.

Those were my past few days.

Man it feels good to write. Just recap on the little things. Small documentation of the little things.

My next goal is to start running/walking at NU. On the track when it gets a little cooler. As well as attend some yoga classes downtown.

Also hang out with Kelly. She is going through a breakup and we all could use friends.

Ps: tomorrow marks 11 months with Emmit. Holy shit. 

1:40pm

Recap: haven't been writing much. When I really should. I've been stressing myself out.

I've gone camping. Cried a few times. Been to the doctors. Working 40 hours a week. Helping friends move. Saving money. Feeling exhausted. Took some photos. Baked some cobbler. Didn't go to school. Napped. Walked scout. Did another scavenger hunt. Worked some more. Said goodbye to friends that moved to different countries. Read some books. Watched some movies. 

And I think that was all just in August and the few days of September we've had. 

And I'm just exhausted. I told myself to keep busy since I'm not in school. And I know that sounds like I am but I also just feel like I'm working all the time. My body can't handle much these days. I'm just becoming more and more exhausted much more easily. It's draining trying to keep up with normal me. Not quite sure what that is exactly though.

I still overthink things and look into scenarios more than I should. So I keep to myself. But I get lonely. Even talked to my dad about it.

My mind is going 100 miles a minute and I really just need this weather to cool down.

I need to feel better. If anything my health concerns are giving me anxiety and I can hardy handle it. I need a job where I can get paid to do nothing. I need to take it easy. I'm so tired and I haven't even done anything.

I hate days off because I forget all the friends I have. I feel I have none. They just turn into coworkers. And then when I need to hang with anyone they are always working when I'm not. 

I'm going to start my period soon so crazy me is going to come out. We are going to raise our prices by 15 cents at Caroline's. It's absolutely outrageous. I'm sick of having to charge more and learn new things. I just need some consistency. Just a little steadiness. I'm not sure.

I really need to write more so I can stop being to vague and nonchalant. I'm going to piss myself off later for this. I'm pissing myself off now. I'm mad for just about no reason. I need to distract myself. Maybe I'll see a movie by myself. 

10:54am

Going to the fair after work today. I'm excited to finally have someone to go with me and hold hands with. Show off my happiness and whatnot.

I like the fair. (:

Getting pretty excited. 

10:52am

I'm sorry. You hurt my feelings. I may overreact but because I don't know all about things you do. But it's still not fair for you to hurt me.

I'm sure everything will be fine, just need to talk. And hug.

Could really use a hug.

Slept on the couch because my bed felt too big. It's one thing to make me sad but on top of when I'm feeling lonely.. That was a breaking point for me.

Anyways.. I'm sure we will be fine. I need to hear what you have to say. You do some talking. 

9:03pm

{Shitty night continued:}

Sitting in the mining museum parking lot. All by myself. 

Windows down listening to the stream and the rain.

Stopped crying finally.

Just feeling angry.

I want to do awful things to make you made. 

Make you feel how I do now.

Make you understand.

I could drink this beer you left in my car and drive home but it wouldn't do anything but taste like shit. Wouldn't even give me a buzz. Granted I haven't eaten in 6 hours so who knows.

You're lucky I'm not that girl.

I'm thinking about tomorrow. How things will play out. What you will say. I'm just glad I don't work tomorrow.

I don't want to see you. Look at your fucking face. You're a piece of shit. But at the same god damn time I want to cry in your shoulders. I want to punch and kiss you. I hate that you do that. You have that control over me.

What have you given up in this relationship? What have I?

I want to yell and slap you across the face and scream how I feel.

I'm terrified you will be so sick and tired of all this shit. Sick of me and my feelings and whatever. Dealing with our differences. Just decide to end it. Pull yourself out of that. Be able to focus on you. Your friends. School. Your future.

Maybe one day you'll send me a message asking how I'm doing. If I'm still signing, taking pictures, dating even..

I fucking hate those thoughts. I can't even imagine myself holding hands with another person.

This is me overreacting. Freaking myself out. Being crazy. And I see that, but it's all inside and it needs to get out.

You've been back a while now and I miss you still. I haven't been able to hang out with you and just you since you've been back.

I understand Aidan is leaving and you should spend time with him. But I'm still here and in need of you too.

Now this happens. My fears. I know I had unrealistic hopes for you to come back home and be grown up. Moved past the childish ventures of smoking. But nope. I have to remind myself all the time you are still a kid. A year younger than me. But also so mature. So mature for your age and also more mature than me even. But you are still learning yourself and part if me hates that.

Like the thought of you right now doing fucking mushrooms even though it fucking makes me sick. Makes me cry and hurts me so much. You don't care about me sometimes.

Not nearly as much as I care about you. I feel like you don't love me as much as I love you. And that makes me sick too.

I fucking hate love. I had never believed in it and now here it is. And it's fucking stupid. It only hurts people.

I should stop. I really have nothing left to say. I'm still by myself

in town

in the dark

in my car

in the rain. 

Hoping you'll text me and want to meet up. Talk. But at the same time that terrifies me. It's going to be so uncomfortable. And I really don't need that right now. I really need you to comfort me. That's all I've needed for the past 2 months. 

But you come home and I'm still lonely.

Really need you to understand that. 

8:13pm

This isn't fair. But it doesn't matter. You go fucking do shrooms with your friends. Do what you feel you need to fucking do. Be a teenager. Live it up.

Fucking call me when you decide to grow up and not make me cry. Run from my house so no one will see me and ask me questions. Worry that Emmit could have possibly made her cry.

I'll drive myself to town in tears. Hope I find Beau or Sophie to come console me. Get me out of my head. Looks like they both have plans. So it's a solo drive for me. In the rain. To just stay stuck in my head, and yes- most of all -worry about you. 

Hope you have a great evening. 

8:20pm

I'm proficient in overreacting. It's something I am aware of and need to work on.

So now that I can get past that, I can honestly say I'm feeling sorta lonely.

Wish Em was here, just watching movies with me. Just want him in my big queen bed.

It's too damn hot out. Especially to work in a coffeeshop.

The fair is coming up, which I'm excited for. What else.. We just hired 2 new girls. They don't seem too bad.

I need to shower and get to bed.

Anyways. Love and miss my Emmit tonight. Probably just hanging with his buds, but haven't talked to him much today. 

11:01am

Don't fall back into your old ways Monica.

<------------------>

I never really made it clear that Emmit is now back. We have spent a few nights together since he has been back but really quite a bit of time has gone to his friends. Sure I'm a bit jealous but it's nothing I wasn't expecting. I'm just glad to have him home.

The other day I opened so I didn't get off work until 2pm. The gang had planned on going rafting down Parks Bar which sounds like a lot of fun, but that was planned for noon. So I wasn't able to go. Neither was Maddie or Aidan- which made me feel better. But still pretty bummed.
It's kind of hard to go from having someone for several months and then going 2 months without. Having to adjust to that and then go back to having the person.
Being independent, being understandable, being independent, letting go, holding on, etc. It's getting kinda crazy over here. My body and brain can only handle so much.

So it's fine, I know I can't spend as much time as I would love to, so I'll go hang out with Scout. Go to a movie alone. Give you space. Try not to worry or over think. Keep my minds wanderings to myself. Let you do your thing and if I can fit in places where there is time then I'll savor those. Being together but giving space. It's a hard place to be, and I realize I'm putting myself there, but it's the vibe I'm getting. We can't rush back into our old ways.
But it's not easy just hanging out with a dog all the time. Luckily I have Sophie, but not for long. She will move in about a month. I need more friends.


And here I thought that things were looking up..
Well at least yesterday. Since I had the late afternoon to myself with Scout I thought I would try and mess with my camera more. Really mess with it. Put it on all manual settings and test myself to read light. And I did it! Sure the display of most of them still looked fairly muted, the overall photos after upload seemed to need hardly any editing. Which made me very happy.
So my #ISpyScout portion of Fools Gold is coming together. At least I feel like it is.
I even tried to make an Instagram for Fools Gold and it worked! After all the attempts I had made in the past month or so and no names were available it worked. I entered in the email for FG and it created the name for me. I can always alter it if I need but at least I have something to call mine and put photos on.

<----------------->

A few days ago Emmit and I went to his mom's so that he can find out how much money he owes her while he was away. And I got to use the wifi while they discussed.
I had finally started researching schools a bit and programs. Taking notes.. actually doing something and planning for my future. Which has always and will continue to freak me out. But I was actually getting very excited? Like, I wasn't prepared to actually have fun. But now that I have made the decision to focus on Sign Language I have a jumping off point. Looking at what schools have to offer me is kinda cool. See what I have to get done and create a check list. This is what helps me breathe, which I have been having troubles with lately.
So add that the list of 'good things that have happened to me lately.'

<--------------->

Dad and I have been having small talks. Good ones but more heartfelt. Even if they aren't full conversations, they are things that made me think. Mainly since Blake got in his accident he needs someone to confide in. So anyways last night we were sitting outside looking at Blake's truck and just realizing how much damage was there and would parts could be saved. Then he points to Emmit's bracelet he brought back from Peru for me, and says who gave me that? (as a joke since he knew).
Then he jokes and says next thing you know he'll be giving you a diamond. So I joke back saying well thats the goal. He gets a little more serious and starts asking me if we had talked about that. I said no, but smaller also kinda serious talks.
"Like moving in together?"
"Yeah a little bit. I'd like to."
"Cause you're sick of me huh?"
And then we both started to laugh and I kissed him on the cheek.
But it was in that moment I felt not scared to tell my dad about my plans for school and moving eventually and doing all this with Emmit. He seemed not so scary and almost hopeful for me for lack of a better word. So lets add that to the list of good things too.

<--------------->

Well, I work soon. And I'm not entirely excited for that. Kinda just have a bad feeling. I realize I'm taking it out on Emmit. It may just be my jealousy and curiosity as to why he has something blue on his neck and glitter.... Not the best thing to notice first thing walking into Carolines.
I almost don't want to know. But of course I do. I have finally come to terms with the smoking pot which I think was really big of me.. I just don't want it to escalate into anything else. He is a curious person- but his friends have been doing mushrooms and Aidan wants to do LSD.. Pot is one thing but I'm not okay with those. Cigarettes or anything. I won't stand for it. Then we will be so off balance on the fairness of this relationship and what each of us are compromising. And I'm not quite sure what he has compromised for me come to think of it. I thought I knew but then that was a lie.

I'm getting myself worked up over stuff from the past that shouldn't be brought up anymore. I need to breathe and not let it all effect me while at work. Knowing me, it may be kinda hard. I'm not the best at taking my own advice.

9:46pm

In my head maybe around 6:45~ I wanted something to happen. I felt like tonight was going to be kinda boring. Mellow and I didn't want to stay home. A few minutes later my dad comes to my room and says, "I need you to drive me to Blake. He rolled his truck."

My eyeballs sunk to my stomach.

I changed into some black pants and moccasins and headed for the door. This was not what I had wanted. Not what I had planned for. But then again, no one plans for an accident. 

Since dad had a beer or 2 I drove to a road near the fairgrounds where Blake was heading to his friends house.

Dad was pissed the whole way there, critiquing my driving and whatnot. He said he just wanted to throw something even, which was a slightly new side to my dad than I had seen before.

I tried my best to calm him down. We turned onto the road where Blake and his truck were and saw sirens. My stomach is turning and then I saw his truck. It was like I had no control over my mouth. My jaw dropped and my heart raced. Never had I been in this scenario. I was always the one who made the call to be rescued. Well.. Twice.

I knew Blake was a daredevil but I never really imagined it would catch up with him. For the most part I understood he was safe. Against texting and driving. Wouldn't ever drink and get behind the wheel.. But he certainly had a need for speed.

It wasn't until many minutes after we parked and got out of the truck to console him that I really got emotional. I walked over to the truck on my own to get his Caroline's sweatshirt and it really sunk in how badly this crash was.

My brother could have died.

The thought can really only marinade in my head. Never fully sink in. Even if it had happened I still couldn't fathom it.

He was a mess himself. Even for hours after the accident. I got to play mom and really try my hardest to make him feel okay. He had trouble talking and putting into words what happened or how he felt. What he remembered. Still a bit shook up in his brain I guess. But all in all he is fine. We are all so lucky. 

His friend who is a bit taller was in the passenger seat, and the roof of the car caved in a bit more on his side so his head was hit a slight bit. Blake was the one to point it out after they had crawled out the back window that no longer had glass. He was brought to the hospital which is good. And he is ultimately fine, but on my dads financial side it's going to hit him hard. To have another 'at fault' accident in his record but to add injury to it won't be fun. And the hospital is doing their job, but probably going full force in something that may not need all the attention. Granted we want everything done to make sure that Conner is 100% okay.

I sent Emmit a photo of the scene and he was nothing but supportive the whole time. Caring and there for myself as well as my brother. I couldn't ask for more then that when all our heads are spinning. And now I give him things to worry about. He sure is a trooper. 

So now I get to play mom as well as Switzerland. Safe zone and whatnot. Console Blake to realize that no one hates him for what he did. Nor will it effect anyone's trust in him. And in the end it will all be okay. Etc.

And to my dad that yes, financially this blows. But if anyone can handle this, it's him. And I am here. And he still has a son. And I a brother. Trucks brake, and money is spent. But lives cannot be returned.

And I am so greatful for the way this played out. Blake said that while his truck was spinning he was in the middle of talking to Conner. And then it happened. But all the while he was realizing what was going on- he knew he would be okay. It was all slow motion to him. And the entire time he knew he would make it. Just goes to show you how cool my brother is. That's a pretty positive thought to have as you are in the middle of a near death experience.

We are all a bit shook up, but this will pass. It's a learning experience. And that's it. What happenes now is so little. The tiniest of my cares in comparison the the fact that we are all okay. I don't want to get repetitive, but I need to write. I haven't for a while and since I work in the morning I needed some closure for the night. I'm sure I'll report back with what comes of all this but for now I should sleep.  

8:58am

Yesterday was good. Very good. I worked in the morning, then after my shift hung out at Uncle Jimmy's and watched Netflix. Around 6 I met up with Sophie at Caroline's since she would be off work soon after. We wanted to go to dinner as a last hoorah before Emmit comes home. Beau also closed so of course it turned into the three amigos.

We just went to Briar Patch. Nice simple and healthy. After that we drove back to Caroline's where Sophie parked her car. It was still light out and absolutely wonderful weather so we decided to walk around town a bit.

Which eventually led me to the idea of swings at Hennesy. 

Best. Idea. Ever.

Perfect way to end an evening. Just playing around on old school equipment. Sing and laughing.

Swings make me very emotional. But anyone who is my friend already knew that.. I got such a surge of happiness and even gratefulness for knowing beau and Sophie and having them as friends.

I was in a weird state of mind too. Completely sober- just thinking about how excited I was to see you tomorrow. Pick you up from the bus station. I never thought this day would come.

And now here it is!! This is the morning of the day I get to see you again! It's unreal. But oh how it is so real!

Okay okay- I'm beginning to sound weird. I'm just excited. I love you so much and missed you like crazy. I've grown so used to you now being here that it is weird to imagine you back. Just going back to normal.

Or something like it. We will just have to see. I haven't kissed you in so long I have forgotten what your lips feel like. And that is the worst feeling on the planet. So that is what I'm looking forward to most: your lips.

So in roughly 13 hours from now I get to remember what your body is like. Your lips connected to mine. And I couldn't be happier. 

2:32pm

Sophie and I got away for a bit. 

I could have stayed forever.