10:11am

Hey it's Monday.

Yesterday we celebrated Alannah and Kathleen's birthday by going ice skating and then following that with dinner at Bucca Di Beppo's. (If that's how you spell it). Both if which were fantastic. So much fun and certainly worth the bruised knees.

It got my mind off of shitty things.

I'm not saying I'm over it- that would be a lie. But I'm not letting it control all of my everyday emotions. Sure in the back of my mind I'm pissed- but I feel in control again. The ball is completely in my court and I decide who is in my life. And there is no coming back from this.

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Between ice skating and dinner we went to the fountains and then Barnes & Noble. Seeing all these books I can soon fill my future home with always inspire me. Get me thinking. Get me excited. Get me hopeful.

It made me a little mad seeing calligraphy books and instantly connecting them to Cru. (Only cause I'm bitter.) but then just a moment ago, I'm scrolling through Instagram- and this is really what I wanted my post to be about -but I see a simple photo about this woman starting a company called Sweet Pea or something. And it got me thinking about a constant conversation I've had with myself and slowly let others hear. Creating a blog and perhaps making money from it. What is stopping me from making my own business. Who says I have to wait to be a component in Quest?

I could pick a name, start a blog, build a website, take photos, and write. I mean I've done most of that so far.

An what I don't know how to do I have people that could help me. I could create my own team. Select certain people that benefit and agree with what I chose this whole thing to stand for. 

I mean the girls at A Beautiful Mess did it. They have a shop even and upstairs is their office/workroom. 

Even just the idea of being my own boss is so nice to hear. I understand I've only had one job but it will be 3 years in one location. With the same people (for the most part) and I think that takes a lot for someone to do. I've learned so much by being at the coffeeshop about a job and customer service. And not to mention SO much about myself. I'm not a fan of confrontation. But I've learned to do it and/or accept it. I don't like not being in control. I don't like being told to change something about the way I do things. I don't like being forced to be around people that aren't good for me because I need money. 

So many things I did not know about myself. But many of those things can be worked on or fixed. 

I know it's only 10:42 now.. But I guess I have a lot to think about.

Business classes to potentially take. Photo journalism perhaps.

I guess we shall just see. Most good things start with a name though. 

Until next time..

12:04pm

Yesterday was a just fine day. With one exception. It went so far downhill at a very rapid pace. All at once really.

I guess I should hold back and start from the beginning.

I worked 6:30-1 which was great. With Elyse and Salima. It was a great shift and I had no complaints. Emmit had a long shift so I stayed for his lunch break. And again- no complaints.

After he went back to work I headed over to Les Shwab to have my tire fixed. Sure it was a long wait, but I had no plans. So it was fixed and I headed over to Summer Thymes to watch Netflix and use the wifi till Em got off work. We planned a double date with Elyse an Tyler for icecream at Treats. I got to tell Elyse and Tyler my life story and it was nice to say. I like when people know what I've been through. Help them understand me better.

We talked for a long time and finally headed back to my car around 9:30.

This is the part of my night where just writing it makes me feel nautious and pissed as hell.

Emmit and I got to talking for a bit before I left and I was told something that I hadn't known before.

Something that just reassured every bad feelin I have ever had towards someone. I had never felt more betrayed and shit on. I was completely unaware how much I turned into a fucking doormat.

Courtney had sex with Cru.

I am livid as I write this. It's hard to control my breathing. But I have to since the only time I have today to write this is on my lunch break.

There is absolutely no respect. No fucking respect towards me at all. I am a wonderful person. I put everyone before myself. Especially when it comes to feelings. I will hold back so much in order to keep others happy- while I'm over here miserable.

When it comes to Cru I guess I can't be too surprised. He's a whore. Courtney is too though. But she is much more than that. 

She is crazy.

I'm convinced she is bipolar and refuses to see or do anything about it. She is manipulative, cares so much for herself. She goes looking for problems. And if she can't find something she will put one there.

I literally can't stand to look at her. It's unreal. She has done this exact thing before and I was more hurt then I ever had been. I rid her from my life and for months there was silence. I'm not sure at what point she weasled her way back into my life but she did. And only to fuck me over once again. But this time it matters so much more. She has never said one good thing about him to me. So why the fuck would you sleep with him? When? How long? How many times?

I am not a doormat. I refuse to be treated like shit. I'm fed up and won't stand it anymore. If I have to put on my tough girl pants I will. I want her feeling hurt. I want her to cry. I want her to feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet because she deserves that. I have done nothing but help her and be there and everything a friend should be. And she has hurt me and made me cry and feel that way long enough. 

I'm through with her in my life. 100%.  

There is nothing more I want than for her to diminish from my existence as fast as she possibly can.

And she doesn't even know it yet. 

11:30am

It's sort of unusual how a smell can do so much to your memory. I helped several customers today with a heavy perfume or cologne. And each time they were smells I'd been familiar with. Generally I'd be turned off by a strong scent or musk. But these were so similar to old smells that my nose recognized. Perhaps a perfume my grandma or mom wore once. Something my dad tried, or an uncle. All I know is that it was nice. I didn't mind helping them.

Generally triggers like that could bring bad memories but I'm cool with most memories nowadays.

I had another really nice conversation with Emmit in my car after our latest work meeting. We talked for a few hours and covered lots of material. All the way to religion.

Not a lot to document. House is coming together. Homework isn't catching up with me so much any more. (Noticing I'm psyching myself out a lot.) exception the worst and getting myself overwhelmed over nothing. But a little pressure never hurt anyone.

Elsa recieved a group text from Larkin. I was unaware they were so close. But she sent a message explaining her condition that I hadn't seen yet.

I'm handling it much better. Not crying when I hear her name anymore.

Yusef and Sam are officially in Portland. Not as easy as they thought it would be. You have to spent $150 just to apply for a place. And sleeping in a car can't be great. Just great I'm not in that scenario any longer. I'll get to Portland, when it's time for me to get there.

I'm really excited to buy furniture for my new room. I'll be more excited when I need to pack it up and move with someone else. But I'm not rushing it I suppose. Not unless dad makes me. As I haven't told him about my second tattoo apt. Soooo.. We shall see what happens. It worked out alright last time and we are doing just fine now, so (fingers crossed) this time isn't as hard.

It's my birthday present to myself.

Which reminds me- I need to figure out what I'm doing for that... Bleh. 

8:36am

I kind of dropped a huge ball of emotion in a small post last night.
I needed to get it off my chest before I let it effect me at work another day.
Absolutely crazy news to receive out of nowhere.

I should start off with the bad news so that I can end this post with good things.
So Yesterday I worked with Salima, who I hadn't worked with in a few days and so I was excited.
She said she had news that she shouldn't tell but I made her..
Whether that was a good idea or not I'm not sure. I haven't heard news this awful since geez.. I'm not even sure when.
And the worst part is that I can't even do anything to help.

Larkin has cancer.

She has leukemia. And I can't even say it out loud without crying. I have so many questions that go unanswered, so many things I want to do to help, I want to see her, I want hug her.. anything. I want to text Sam and let him know I'm there. I want Cleo and Henry back as friends. It's not fair that because I took myself out of a bad situation I lose all these people that I liked.
The Fay family is a sad family. They are all probably a little depressed and that's unfortunate. I may get that  from my dad. I look for people in need and I just want to help. Shy people, quiet, soft spoken, just people who I feel I can make happy or bring out of their shell.

Well you can't help everyone. And you barely change anyone.
But I still miss people. Whether it be the Fay's, or my classmates from Kindergarten. I'm on;y human and I have a very sensitive side for sad people.

FUCK. IT JUST MAKES ME SO FUCKING SAD THAT I CAN'T HELP AT ALL. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW SO I HAVE TO ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY. EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY. LARKIN HAS CANCER AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.

Salima said that most people that get cancer at such a young age have a 100% chance of recovery. So I need to calm down. She will survive. But these next 6 months or chemotherapy will ruin her. She will lose all her hair. Her long beautiful hair. She will be sick. Most likely fall behind with school. She will disappear for 6 months. And I kind of want to disappear with her.
I have always had such a soft spot in my heart for her. Ever since she was in 8th grade with Blake.
I think the worst part of all of this, is that she doesn't deserve it. Any of it. Sure I feel like she may be hanging out with the wrong group of people and whatnot, but she is curious and like the rest of her family. Which I think is saying enough.

I'm almost at a loss for words.

I feel like I have so much more to say about all of this. I want to tell my dad. I want to tell Blake. I want to let random people know what is going on with this girl they don't know.. Just so I'm not the only one that is crying.

I want to stay home for a few days and just cry. Get all my tears and sadness out and accept the fact I can do nothing here. I want to say it would be better if it were someone in my family or myself, because during a divorce and everything else that family may be going through, she shouldn't have cancer. Not Larkin, Not that upbeat 8th grader who played all the sports. Not that girl who used to follow me on Instagram. Not that girl who looks just like her sister. No that girl who I thought of as a sister once. Not Larkin.

Now to stop the sad for now and try to be happy.
I helped Em move into his new place yesterday. Which now that it's real and really happening I'm very excited for. I love that his room is big and he has lots or space for his new table and a desk and his own living room type set up. It's all working out in his favor. (Hunger Games Puns ftw.)
I'm excited to see how everything plays out. Hard to say much more about it when it's only been a day. But he slept there last night and woke up and said he felt good to wake up there.
I know I have a hard time sleeping in new places most of the time. At least the first night in a new house I'll tend to wake up and get water or something just to remind myself where I am.

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Valentines Day was just a few days ago. I worked all day then went to dinner at Lefty's for the first time. Which was really good. Jake made reservations for him, Maddie, Emmit, Myself, Courtney, and Kyle. So the 6 of us enjoyed it. I wasn't having the best day earlier since I don't know why. Just stressed because I think I have things to do like homework and I', not sure and I still don't have one book I need.

But this is the happy part of my post remember?
And I looked up the due dates for my homework quizzes and I still have a day or two. And there is no school Monday so I have alllllll day to do everything I need. I can get the older edition of the book in need and use it for now, and catch up on everything I need to tomorrow.
So I can just relax for a bit.

I need to get ready for work is what I really need to do.

I really enjoy how much more I've been writing. And I think it has a lot to do with being more active in many ways. With going outside on hikes or signing up for a Pilate's class or camping more. It all started when Emmit and I went on more dog walks. He gave me things to write about. Not just things, but good things. I finally have happy posts to read again. (With the exception of the first half of this one.) But I'm going to continue writing and trying to keep it more on the happy side.

I'll do my best.
Until next time.

11:21pm

A few sad things happened today.

Em moved into his new place (for the most part)

Which is probably the best part of today.

....But I can't stop thinking of the worst thing Salima told me.

Larkin has lukemia.

9:58pm

Happy Monday!

Weird right? When does that ever happen?
But I'm embracing it! Today school was really nice- no idea if it has anything to do with the fact that the sun came out and it didn't rain all day. (Although I love the rain..)
But I wore my floral leggings and simple black dress, cardigan, mustard scarf, and cream boots.
Simple and comfy.

DA&D: went over layers. I had completely thought this day would be a waste, but it was nice review and I did the assignment quickly. Emily my new friend was also there today and we both found a similarity with our OCD tendencies. She is sweet and has red hair. I like her.

After that I met up with Em and we had lunch at Humpty Dumpty's. Super tasty and then before I had to hurry off to class we stopped by his aunts house and picked up the yellow bike! Man oh man is it a beaut.. It hardly needs any work! I was expecting rust or broken parts or something.
It was in excellent condition for being vintage. All it seems it needs are some new tubes or tires. We need to try to air them up and see it they hold. I haven't been on a bike in years and I'm so excited to get back on and work out my legs. It's also very photograph-able.
If it were mine forever and not just to borrow from time to time I may even try and do a series of photos with it. Very much like I did with the Sweater Series.

I also got to meet Em's uncle Steve I believe his name was? He's a quiet character at first. But wanted to know me and I can tell is passionate about art. Asked me about cameras and I was able to give him advice on film. He has one of those faces that you just want to draw and/or photograph.

We loaded up the bike and headed back to my car. I made it to ASL just in time. We went over our quiz from last week, I got a B! And he is a fast speller/signer so I was pretty happy with it. Taylor and Soph each got C's- so I was able to help them with answers they missed. All the activities we did in class today I just felt good about. I felt my signing was strong and correct. I can talk to him and have him understand. I can laugh at his jokes and really know they are funny- he is a funny guy!
I'm just feeling really good about how the class is going. Which is great for me since I was pretty nervous within the first few days.

After that my good mood carried over to Pilates. We did more yoga today than pilates and I was quite alright with that. I just knew I wanted to push myself with whatever we did. And let me tell you- I did just that. I held stretches longer or did more or moved faster. I just want to see results and today I felt I could see small changes in my legs. (THANK YOU JESUS- and by Jesus I totally mean myself because I did all that hard work damn it.)
Anyways, today went really well.

I then continued to carry over my good mood I still had over to see Emmit and kiss on him a bit in the Taco Bell parking lot. We make excellent parking lot lovers.
Then I get to continue loving him in a few hours because guess who opes tomorrow and guess who the 6 o'clock person is? You guessed it- Him and I. And that hasn't happened in who knows how many days. We will get a few hours here and there with overlapping shifts but we haven't had a complete shift together! I wonder if Holly knows that it just so happens to also be our 4 month?
Either way, it just works out too perfectly. We have several hours before I have my Human Sexuality class at 6:30pm so we actually get to spend most of our day together.

I don't know about you but it's all smiles over here. Better hit the hay soon in that case.
Goodnight blog

11:20am

Good Morning, just thought I should check in.
It's been a few days and of course that means I should have posted a few days ago.
Not much has really happened out of the ordinary, I've been a little stressed. Mainly when it comes to work stuff.
I finally sent Holly and email requesting days off or less long shifts and things to that effect. With school and the move I can't handle not having a single day off when I don't have school or work. I need a day for myself. To either do nothing, catch up on things, or have a day to myself to do as i please.

I'm getting really worn down and I need to pick myself back up. I need to set aside time to clean things up and organize. Get back to using my large calendar and really seeing my months in a larger view. Since I've come to find it's easier for me to 'see' and really understand what is going on when things are bigger. That's why I used a sketchbook as a notebook for a semester once.

I had my first trip to Ikea a few days ago- as overwhelming as it was when I was getting lost and trying to find my way out, I still enjoyed every minute of it. And will be heading back very soon.
I need a:

• Bed
• with the slat things to keep it up
• Bookshelf
• side table/more storage
• etc..

God I love bullet points..
They keep my life in order.

Other things on my mind
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Should I take next semester off and try and get another job and really try to build my savings back up? Because with soon buying loads of furniture and such all myself I'll be low in the bank account department..
Then there is still the possibility of buying a new phone (not a necessity)
Dad said he would buy the phone or furniture for late Christmas, but there is a huge part of me that wants to just do it all on my own. Start to branch out and be more independent. I keep talking about how much I hate adulthood but I'm forcing myself to slowly accept it.
I think I'm doing a pretty okay job.

School is going well. I love having Sophie in my classes. She and I are growing really close and I even jokingly brought up the idea of us moving in together. Who knows when.. but she was totally up for it.
Emmit moves in on the 15th. I'm happy for him, but I guess it just hasn't hair me yet I'll be going over to a different house then his mom's. He's making faster moves then I am.
I'm jealous a bit, I'll admit. He's making this whole 'growing up business' look easy.
So go him! Maybe he can give me some pointers.

My house is coming together. I went over and painted a bit after work yesterday. I was really sore afterwards. Using lots of muscles I normally don't.
But nothing that Pilates can't help fix. I like that class quite a bit. ASL 2 makes me a bit nervous but I'm getting back in the swing of things. Intro to Digital Art & Design is starting to excite me for later on. And I LOVE Human Sexuality.
Luckily everything worked out with that class. My professor never dropped me thank goodness. I met with her and she explained what I missed on the 1st day and everything worked out. It's a smaller class but I can tell it's going to be nice.
As I was leaving there was a girl who noticed my asl alphabet on my binder from last semester and told me how she is talking ASL1 with the same teacher as I have this semester.
We went on a little bit about how we feel about sign in general and Byron. I didn't get heir name but I will on Tuesday. It's really cool to have that in common with others that I don't even know.
I need to emerge myself back into deaf culture. Go to Deaf Events and bring Sophie and even Emmit if he wants. It's might be a lot for him though. Who knows, we shall see.

I have to venture off to work.
-but until next time.

8:12pm

Gee whiz lots has happened since I posted last.
Emmit and I went on our 4 day trip, (I posted about that already though- I think)
I'll post the photos we finally edited in a bit.

Emmit's actual birthday finally happened on Friday. I couldn't really post much about it before hand just in case he read any of my plans (now that he has the link to this little blog of mine.. hi babe (; ....)
Since I had known I was going to throw him a surprise party I couldn't get out any of my nerves or frustrations so I had to hold them in until now.

Operation Sushi Surprise was all in all- a success. Getting together 20 of Em's friends was not as hard as I had thought. Everyone had said yes surprisingly! Then we lost a few then gained a few more back. I had tried to make reservations- with no luck considering it was a Friday..
(Never really crossed my mind that I could have actually planned for a different day not on his birthday).. But I'm the kind of person when I want something and it's pretty set in my head I'm pretty solid in it.
Anyways, my whole plan was to reserve one room to have everyone together. I told everyone to be there by 7:45pm so that they could start to reserve seats for us and then have everyone inside by the time we got there at 8. Sadly- this was not exactly what happened.
There were 2 groups of 10 before us. Courtney had to arrange everyone before we got there which wasn't easy for her but much appreciated.
By the time we had arrived he kinda had a slight idea that something might be up, but didn't believe it could happen. So by the time everyone yelled "surprise" he was genuinely surprised. Which was all I wanted. We all had to group up and be at separate tables but that's okay. Everyone was there and we all ate sushi, and cake together after.
Then last night Emmit's family had a small get together at Pine Street burgers. I got to formally meet his Aunt and Grandma and another cousin. His whole family is honestly, just fantastic. I just feel so at home around them all.
His aunt came up to me and gave me a huge hug- told me he had never seen his nephew so happy, and she knew that it was because of me. That alone could have made me cry.
Then as everyone went to order, Paul and I sat and saved seats. We got to talking bit about the trip and then just how shocking it was that Emmit is 20. I tell him how crazy it is to think about from a parents perspective. Then he says, "He's the greatest thing to ever happen to me.."
And it was hard to hide my tear filled eyes. Just thinking about it now even makes me a bit sensitive. Paul is a sweet man. Emmit is too.
I love that whole damn family.

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Things are fine with Sam and I. I talked to Becky about it all and technically I was supposed to talk to her at work today. But things seem fine so I felt it would be okay if I just let it go. If a problem arises again then I'll take care of it. Until then I need to pick my battles.
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Oh, so school is going just fine. My ASL teacher is pretty fast, but he seems nice. Portly older man. Reminds me of Santa. Plus we wore the same shirt the first day of class- that's got to be a good sign right? Pilates was fantastic and I wish I did it like 5x a week. Can't wait to see results. Plus having 2 classes in a row with Sophie is a huge plus.
Digital Art and Design is also one I'm looking forward to. Haven't done too much that I didn't already know, but I'm excited for InDesign and other programs we will be using.

In other news but still related to current topic- I'm retarded.
Long story short, I got there 10 minutes early, and also missed my Human Sexuality class. How is that possible you ask? Well, I was under the impression that my class was on Thursday nights 6:30-9:35.. but I was wrong. You know what other day of the week starts with a 'T'....yeah, Thursday.
So I missed my class.

I emailed my teacher apologizing and explaining what happened. She was very understanding but still dropped me from the class. Gave me an add code but when I tried to go apply it- it was still as if I was in the class.
So now I need to go and talk to someone in counseling to get everything back to how it should be.
Then go and see her in her office to learn a weeks worth of material in 1 hour. Then go to the class right after that.

Remind me why I like college?

~ still waiting for my ASL 2 book in the mail. (fingers crossed its here by tomorrow.)
~ hoping I don't need to get a HS book (Court said I didn't need it)
~ I feel like I'm forgetting something.....

That's how I've been feeling lately. Like I'm constantly forgetting something important. Or things I need to do. My head is full of things that are out of place a bit.

I need to make a list so I can cross stuff off. Feel like I'm accomplishing things. Physically see and hold it. It's a completely mental thing for me, but it's how I work.

I still feel like I was going to say something but I can't remember for the life of me..

Whatever.. ugh.

Well, as promised. those are the best of the best shots from our getaway. I feel like we didn't take many once in Santa Monica but I'll remember it all.
I met Bella and Stephanie. Both are the sweetest and the most easy to get along with.
They have a cute simple apartment in Westwood/Santa Monica. Which I am very jealous of.
They have a good thing going on over there.

Hmmmm.. not sure what else should/needs to be said?

I guess if I remember I know where to go.

I suppose I should get to bed.

until next time.

Goodnight.