9:51pm

It's official. I was never meant to be happy. I could puke with what Courtney just alerted me.. Godmotherfuckingdamnit. I hate this.

I know we fell apart and don't talk much and I shouldn't be sad, I should be happy for you.. But I can't be. Not when I know that it should be me. Not her. I don't even know her. But she is beautiful. She deserves someone like you and I deserve to fucking crawl in a gutter and mope.
FUCK. I HATE THIS. ITS JUST LIKE CJ ALL OVER AGAIN.
But worse because I knew you.... I've know you for years and we almost, were. Just something.
So much for me making you a mixed cd I guess right?

So much for going camping with me in a few months too?

Well.. I will miss your lips and everything attached to them.

Take care.

7:25pm

I feel like I was just listening to my family fall apart.
You see I'm that girl who goes to family barbecues and ends up reading because no one else in my family decided to get pregnant at the same time as my mom. So here I am the only 19 year old with no friends.
So I'm sitting in the dining nook nose in my book and I over hear my dad and aunt SchanDelle talking about their issues. Their conversation ranging from praise upon Dustin her son who got held back and is quite a fuck up sometimes, but there is a golden heart beneath, to how my dad is lonely yet smothered by my brother.
Then my aunt goes on about how because my uncle drives big semis for a living and is never around, she could make it on her own. She feels like she is living with a roommate. There is no love. All she keeps repeating is "I'm done Todd.. I'm just done."

Normally I would have stayed. I would have kept listening. I would have kept silent. But at that moment I wished nothing more than that the others that were playing croquet outside would rush in and stop them from continuing on in their conversation. I didn't want to hear the sadness of another relationship in my family falling to pieces. I could not do it.

I feel like my family are a bunch of fakes. Like you can talk and say all these things about the person you once loved. The person you had children with.. And then the minute that person comes into the room, you both smile. How can I be related to that? I want none of it. None.

So I slipped out the back door..
I'm proud of myself for doing it. So I could continue my sad book outside in the sun, because god only knows how pale my legs are and how much sun I need.

I was just talking to Lizzy (Helen's mom) about school and books and moving out and I would love to live with her family. She has a nice home, loving family, and she is so supportive of me and what little plans I have for my future.

I need to leave home.
It is home, but there is only so long I can be controlled.
These are the years I'm supposed to make my own decisions. Make mistakes and learn from them. I need to grow up and I have to start now.

8:21pm

Sometimes I just need to cry. I have to just get it out so I can breathe. And move on, and in this case.. Sleep.

I'm growing up and it's hitting me hard. And it fucking blows. Money issues. Just trying to take it all in and figure it all out. I just wish no one had to deal with money. But we can only wish.

Do I save money and buy a computer for myself? Do I save up for my car? Do I save up for a new car?
I just wish someone had all the answers for me, I'm sick of all these questions.


It rained today. And that was nice.
My days are becoming so repetitive.. All I have left to enjoy are changes up in the weather.

7:51pm

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days. Then I wake up and feel like crap. Can't breathe, coughing, snuffles, just pure exhaustion.

I just want to sleep. To rest. To regain.

Today I visited Mr. Baxter. It was nice, but felt weird being back at NU. Like I wasn't supposed to be there. Even though just a few days ago I missed being there so much. I forgot to go talk to my digital photo teacher at his shop downtown before work. He called and wants to give me a better grade but now it may be too late. I'll go tomorrow.

I went into Booktown today before work though, almost bought some books but didn't. I'm getting low on cash and I feel like I'm living paycheck to paycheck. But I have nothing I NEED to be buying other than gas.

I just have an ever-growing list of things I know I would love to have and purchase that are very expensive, and feel like I need. Like a new car or a MacBook. It's just the want and need factor. I don't know..

I work everyday next week except for 1 day. And even then I'll have to go to work later that night for a work meeting. I'm beginning to think with all these hours I'm getting if I ever did get a job at Ben Franklins, they would take it the wrong way and think I'm being ungrateful. I still think I'll turn in a résumé. It wouldn't hurt. I mean, they are never hiring.. That I know of.. So what's the harm.

I need sleep.

9:26pm

Fucking passed my Digital Photography class. Mother fucker did me a huge favor,

Which half of me is thankful for,

and the other wish he didn't.

I needed him to though. And I'm sorry, but I had a bitchin' portfolio.

I passed with a C. But won't take me off of Academic Probation and I will AT BEST get a D in Math again.

If you've done the math, then you know that I will have below a 2.0 GPA yet again.. (1.87~) and therefore what I had been planning for is becoming real.

I will be Dismissed from College for an entire semester if I don't petition  for them to give me a second chance.

Dear _____ College Staff/Faculty/Anyone of Importance,

To whom it may concern,

       

           Please oh pretty please let me back in..

I promise I'll do better, I've learned my lesson, promise.

Fuck that.

But really though..

I'm going to do it.

A miracle has come about and classes are suddenly opening up.

I'm not sure if I was just not doing it correctly or what, but I now have signed up for 2 classes and even one with Blake's mom Wendy.

I need this. I need things to go right for me.

I can't say it enough.

It's going to be a crazy ride petitioning back in and trying to reapply for the same 2 classes I want. After being automatically dropped.

Now I need to go finish the application to Ben Franklin's and reapply there to hopefully get a second job at least over the summer. 

This whole post is just taking every bit of energy I have right now. I'm exhausted. My sleeping patterns are fucked. And oh hey, dad found puss pockets in the back of my throat.

Hello Strep in Summer time.....

Que sera, sera right?

11:26am

Well. That's it. This semester is over. All these emotions came flooding out and inside of me the minute I handed the last few sheets of paper to my professor, placed my hand on the doorknob, turned and stepped back out into the chill of the breeze that is here today. I have so many thoughts racing through my head and yet at the same time, I have nothing.

I'm worried, but I'm not.
I have given up, but I have a plan.
I want to celebrate, but I'm sad.
Reward myself, although I deserve nothing.

I've just been tired. Fucking tired for months. And it makes me wonder how anyone else can do it. But harder. Pushing themselves to take more advanced classes, farther away from home so that if they fuck up.. They are screwed. They don't have mom or dad or anyone near to comfort them. They have strangers they just met in the same god damn boat.
So I ask myself.. Why do I want to get on that boat so badly? Put myself into that position. In harms way. But not though. It's not dangerous to leave the comfortable box you were placed in the day you were born. It's not dangerous. It's a risk, but we were all meant to leave sooner or later, weren't we?
Explore. Challenge ourselves. Prove everyone wrong. Yeah, I think we are. Regardless of the protection anyone tries to give me. I need to branch out. I need to try harder. I need to wake up.

Everyone is coming back from school for summer. And I don't feel okay.
I feel weird and sick and sad all at the same time. Because I feel like no one should have ever left. Either that or I should have gone with them.

I've almost been working at Caroline's for a year. In a few more months I'll be there. And that makes me proud and sad. All of it makes me want to cry.

I was looking at Blake's yearbook last night. And that made me sad too. Really Really sad. Like I wish I had never left high school. So what if I was one of those people who hated summer vacation, I missed seeing my friends. And hell, yeah even my teachers too. But that's because I didn't have the freedom to go to the river or away whenever I wanted like most other friends of mine. I stayed home. I read. Or fought with my brother because we were seeing to much of each other.

I want things to change. I want to be able to do whatever I want and not be judged or punished for it. I feel like an annoying botch for complaining and being so negative but it feels so fucking good to just write.....
It's been so long since I've had the time or energy to just fucking say everything I have needed too.

I think I started this right before my first semester of college. I could be wrong though.
I don't remember and frankly I'm not even sure how relevant that statement is. But fuck it. I'm tired and have to work today.

I'll write later tonight.

10:38pm

Forced post.
I know if I don't make myself document the little things that I did today then I won't post for a week again.

So: I took Alexis's senior portraits at her neighbors house today. She practically lives there anyways. But I guess she was just house sitting.
Anyways, got some nice shots but we are finishing up on Friday at the Empire Mine.

I saw Dallas TWICE this week. In fact I just got back from her house. We were doing art. Super silly. But fun no doubt.
I'm excited that everyone is coming back home for summer. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Only excited to work in the darkroom.

Seriously considering repiercing my septum. Need to grow some balls to talk to dad about it first. But I'm redoing it regardless. I miss it more than most things.

7:39pm

It's been too damn long. I've been keeping all my everything bundled up for too long and I shouldn't have done that.

Today was alright. Better than previous days that I've been having.

I'm coming to terms with things.

Which is either a good or not so good thing.

{Lets go with the first..}

Lets first start by catching up on today shall we?

1. Pilates at 7:00am
2. Meeting with my counselor at 9:30am
3. Printed out some things for my big Digital Photography assignment in the computer lab around 10:00am
4. Went to the bank and deposited my paycheck around 10:30am
5. Got back just in time to meet early with Mr. Brown and Traece to work on our Digital project. 11:30am
6. Analog Photo class at 12:30pm.
7. Left around 2:10pm to get to
8. Work at 2:30pm to 6:30pm
9. Then came home.

Busy- just the way I like it.

And tomorrow I have a math test at 9:30am and lets just say I plan on sleeping in..

Today just confirmed what I had believed all along,

I will soon be "dismissed" from college since I am on academic probation.

This will happen in June when final grades are posted and I need to be ready for this.

So I can get the email with the petition form  so I can petition to not be suspended for a semester.

Which, reluctantly, I plan on doing.

My lovely counselor told me that almost every petition gets passed, I just need to  explain why exactly I haven't been able to maintain a 2.0  GPA.

Work. My car. I'm just plain ol' overwhelmed.

Summer couldn't have come at a better time..

For a while I was stressing about this. I let it effect my personality and schoolwork {that I have been doing} and it was just all around awful. But now I have, like I said before, coming to terms with it and excepting it all. It's all I can do.

I haven't been going to my Digital Photo class for WEEKS. All because I keep being called into work. And I feel really bad about it but I have {sorta} been taking pictures.

I hope I can pass that one with a C. It would be very kind of my teacher. {considering all the headaches he has given me.. ugh.}

I have decided tomorrow  am going to go and get a mug and decals that can spell out Worlds  Greatest Dad or something to that effect, for my dad of course.. considering Mother's Day is just around the corner . And he is basically the closest thing I have to a mom. He has had to play both roles and honestly- he deserves 2 Father's Day's. He may grind my gears till I want to hurt someone.. but I love him more than I show.

So I plan on purchasing that at Ben Franklins.. Which then brings me to my wonderful segue ..

I plan on reapplying there.

But really though, I want nothing more than a Summer job there at best.. it would be so nice.

I need something good to happen to me real soon.. I have been doing the same thing for too long and I cant keep doing it. I need something new.

After that I plan on going to Big 5 and purchasing a big 55cm pilates ball to work out in my room rather than just Wednesday mornings.

Oh yeah, I rearranged my room. Moved my bed to one side of the wall and I now have tons of floor space and even put up some paper lanterns. {My current obsession.} All in all I am very pleased with how it is turning out and it makes me want to be in there more often.

Cassie has been running pretty alright lately..

*knock on wood*

Now that the rain has stopped {not even sure if that was part of the problem}

she hasn't died.  And we finally got the $1,400~ from that guy who's rake hit my car on the highway.

{not sure if I mentioned that in previous posts, but I think I'll remember that. Or mention it later.}

I feel like I'm falling off track.

I just ate .

I think  if I say much  more then this post will just be unbearable for me to read later on.

So I guess I'll end it on a good note.

I promise to post more often.

PS-  this may be one of my favourite shoots yet.

Olive and the Wood Nymph.