11:21pm

"Don't be freaked out. I stop texting people for days at a time sometimes. I just need breaks from the world." -Me.

And this happens a lot. I'm still going through this identity crisis and the heat is still getting to me. Today and yesterday combined: I purchased 3 pairs of jeans, 2 long sleeves shirts, a cardigan, flats, some school supplies etc.

I'm fucking ready for autumn. And a trip to the ocean. But today Courtney and I decided to screw the idea of going before school starts. Take a long weekend and drive to Fort Bragg in Autumn when everything is changing and the colours are fantastic. We will bring cameras and take pictures and it will be grand.

That's another thing.. I need to focus on what I love. Photography.....
It's as though I have forgotten all about it. I need to put my damn phone down and pick up one of my cameras. It's bullshit that I'm on this thing 24/7.
Yes- I love it and television and technology of all sorts. But it has become second nature and a reflex to check it. It grosses me out. I need to get out of my head and into the fresh air.

Late September is when Mischa comes back from Cambodia and such to visit his girlfriends mom and family and just travel all round that area. Anywho, that's when I play on getting my tattoo. It's become such a big thought for me. Not only because Kat just got her NOTES tattoo, but because I keep going through these hard tiring weeks at work and feel like I need to remind myself that I can handle it. It's only work, nothing too extreme but it's tiresome. But in the end- whatever will be, will be.
Dad won't like it, I'm sure. But I know that I have a place to stay at Courtney's if necessary. Which is comforting. But I hope not needed.

Austin has been on my mind a tad. Angry and happy about that whole situation.
Saw Cj the other day. That was nice.

I'm ready just to meet someone new and ready for all I am.
But I'm really not too worried or focused on guys right now. I have much more to think about.

•Blake's birthday
-gifts
•School
-shit
•Money
-more shit.
•Car
-urgh......
•ETC

Want & Needs lists are necessary.

But I'm getting tired and need sleep I'm sure.
Work tomorrow.. Meh.
'gnight

9:48pm

"Oatmeal is better than no meal."

This morning (since I had switched shifts with Mel) I worked the morning shift which meant I had to be at Carolines at 6:30am. Right as I am passing the sliding glass door a boy who had to have been a few years older than me,  probably in his 20s.. But asked if I had 80¢.
I normally don't do this but today I took my wallet out of my purse and looked for some change for him. I had just cashed out the majority of my change the night before but I had found 50¢

Handed him the change and he replied with, "oatmeal is better than no meal."..... it just kind of stuck with me today.


Tomorrow Katherine, Corrie, and myself are all being trained for an hour and a half to become supervisors. Then I get to work at 2:30pm.

And honestly, I'm exhausted. I  shouldn't even be  typing now. I should be sleeping.

There was probably something else I wanted to  say before I got off ..

Kat got a tattoo today.  I  watched and envied her. I hope to get mine come September.

Mischa seems pretty fucking rad.

'gnight all.

10:54pm

I want to spend a day with my dog. I want to take a road trip to the ocean and let Scout experience it. I sometimes forget how special she is. Just the fact that she is there and thinks everyday..I'm her whole world..
She is my best friend and deserves a day to have fun.

Too bad I work close to everyday of my life.

Today Ashley at Tribal Weaver said I should bring in my resume ASAP. Meaning they may be hiring soon. Which is just another thing on my plate. I want to be a supervisor, and I need space.
I'm not sure what to do anymore.
School needs to just get here so I can focus on that.

eBay is taking over my life. I need to just save my money. Ha..

Today sucked though, Katherine is getting on my nerves more than ever. Holly is considering and/or making her a supervisor along with myself and Corrie? Honestly- Corrie would make a great supervisor. I'd be iffy and Kat would be a joke.
Today she just does so much little shit that anyone shouldn't be doing regardless of their rank. But whatever. I don't want to dwell on it.

I want my tattoo so badly. I need it as a constant reminder that I can keep doing all this. That whatever happens I can continue to just keep on.

Ever since I had my ortho appt a few days ago and got rubber bands my mouth has been less then fun to open and/or talk with. Especially when attractive boys come into work.

.... Egroeg..

Last night after my post I had to open my ambient noise app and had to just listen to the ocean to fall asleep.
I've always been an ocean girl, ever since I can remember. My mom probably has all of them but in my baby pictures you will find ones of me at Glass Beach in Fort Bragg. I haven't been there in ages. But I remember I always loved it. I should find out how far away it is.. I smell a road trip. Before school starts I need some ocean in my skin.

12:06am

Can't sleep. Haven't blogged for a while. I miss it. I miss having this release of tension and words that build up inside my body. This tension that forces me to take it out on people that I care about.

Maddie put in her 2 weeks. Full time at Contrast and Abstrakt. I'm happy for her. I think the green monster in me was coming out when she first got the job. But now I'm accepting that she's moving on in a positive way.
Mel put her 2 weeks in a little while back. Along with Bubbas she recently got hired at Northridge in NC. I'll miss her too.
Molly's last day is Monday.
Today Holly pulled me aside (as well as Kat and Corrie) to let us know that because we are losing so many people that have been with us for so long that she needs/has been thinking of moving some people up in rank. Meaning us 3, if we choose to accept, will be trained in becoming supervisors.
It's odd timing since I put in a revised application and resume to Ben Franklins today.
It kind of confuses me and makes me feel indifferent. Like here I am trying to move on and have something new and different in my life (as a second job) and then I get promoted at the place I need space from.
One day it will make sense..

Dad is being controlling slightly. Tonight wasn't good. Didn't even want to come home. Just guilt trips me for having my shit very where, not doing dishes, or walking Scout. Like okay? I'm sorry I'm working all the time and when I'm not working I like to get sleep. It's just getting to this weird point again where I feel out of place and just confused in my own house- not to mention skin.

I am having a HUGE identity crisis.
I'm not sure I've ever felt this way before. Like I'm not where I should be. I don't look the way I should. I'm all round confused and feel not myself.
It's awful. I feel like I NEED to change my hair and personality and everything about me. I want to close myself in. Into my own shell and just be by myself so I can reflect and write. Write down everything, make lists and cross things off. Figure out what I'm doing or should be or want to be.
I'm just so lost in myself and everything around me.
I need to renew. I want to dispose of all the shit in my room and at and life I don't need. Save up money for what matters rather than spending it continuously online.

Just rethink everything I've done in the past few months and make some drastic changes.

As much as it upsets my dad.. I can't think about it. I need to do things that I need or even just want. Do things to feel fulfilled.
I guess I feel empty but so cram-packed with unnecessary bullshit I'm hoarding within myself that I need to completely erase and start clean. Like I have filing cabinets and drawers in my brain that are sorted by date and alphabetically and by any other way there is to file something and that's the way it should be. But it's like another version of me snuck in when I wasn't looking and switched everything up so now everything is out of order and jumbled. I'm not functioning properly.

So I'm cleaning house.
Getting ready for school.
I already purchased a planner and multicolored pens and a new bag.

I strongly feel that once Autumn gets here it will help wash and blow everything I don't need away. And if I keep saying it it has to happen, right?

Courtney and I have become closer and I enjoy that. She understands me and the way I tick. Knows when I need space, understands the kind of mood I'm in by what music I'm listening to, etc.
It's refreshing.

Austin. George.
I miss my friend, and one I'd like to be friends with.
That's all I'll say about that.


Que Sera, Sera.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk if many things. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings. And if the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.."

Don't ask me why- it just was something in a wrong filing cabinet that was fluttering around today.

And with that, I should try and sleep.

11:01pm

I'm actually looking forward to next semester. That's good right? I guess I'm curious to see where things go. I feel as though things will be different. I will make changes.

But then again, I always say this shit. It's cliche, but this time will be different. I'm taking classes I've never had before. Nothing photography related. (and don't think that will mean I won't be going in to see Brown when I need to develop.)
Courtney starts at Caroline's tomorrow. It's exciting. I'm happy for her. Nicole got the job at Holiday Inn. I wish she would try harder and not be picky about careers. Options are limited in a small town and she deserves better than cleaning hotel rooms.

Work was slow, it was Tiz's last day yesterday. Erika's was today.

I'm going to work on my resume and reapply to places soon. But I probably said that in the last few posts.

Who knows.. I rarely go back and reread what I've said in the past but I know it's been quite some time since I've posted.

I think I decided what my first tattoo will be.


Call it what you will, but I'm going to get the title of my blog.

Que Sera, Sera.
Whatever will be, will be.
It's fitting with my life currently- and the one that's always approaching.

Soon enough I will have that permanently in my body. Now it's just time for placement.

I'll write back soon.

11:32pm

Have you ever looked at someone's lips as they spoke? Or even on television. I'm watching Happythankyoumoreplease and it hits me. I'm not looking at Charlie's eyes or his hair, I'm not even focusing in what he's saying, simply the the motion of his lips.
And then I recall earlier in the week I-out of nowhere-was thinking of all the movement in my mouth. Like each thing my tongue does when I'm driving or just sitting there. I thought up a picture in my head as though there was a camera in the back of my throat and I got to just watch it.

Everyone is leaving Caroline's.
Liz.
Erika.
Molly.
Maddie.
Mel basically.

And it saddens me. But I can only be so sad, I need to be happy for them. And this gives me the chance to meet new people through work.
I hope the Lydia gets hired and/or Rachel. If even for a little while.

Where did Autumn go? And when can I have it back? I don't like whatever season this is. It's too hot and sweaty. People smell bad and look all moist. It's awful. The only good times are on the water I guess and that can only happen so often with work.
Oh well, summer comes and goes, I guess I just wish it would hurry the hell up.

The fourth of July was the other day. And to celebrate I pierced my tragus. (I know, about time.) but I am very happy with the outcome. And I went shopping today and spent more money than I should have but oh well.

It's too fucking hot.

8:50am

White Rabbit.

It's the first of July and I always forget to say that. Let's hope it works this time.

A few days ago at work I met this woman. This fantastic old lady who told me about the days when she lived in San Francisco and she never had a worry in the world and life was different. She told me how special I was an how important I was. How important customer service was. All these fantastic things. I could have cried. She purchased 3 tea pots and some gummy bears.
She told me about how the government had screwed her over financially.
She too me loads of things.
Then we exchanged names and addresses so we could send each other mail. I have never done that before. Never with an older woman. But it made my heart glow.

Yesterday I went to the river with Nicole, Christian, Teniah, Celeste, and Abby. Which was nice. Although Celeste was supposed to hang out with us after and then flaked to hang out more with Abby and Teniah. What else is new..
Anyways, us 3 went to Scott's Flat after the river to go on Christians friends dads boat. I would have been the third wheel but right as we were unloading the boat 2 of Christians friends were coming in about to leave. So it all ended up working out in the end.

I've gotten quite a few hours in this week so my paycheck won't be completely awful.
My cousin Dustin's birthday is today. I'll be bringing a book.. Meh.

Oh well I'm not what else I wanted to write but I think there was something. If I remember I'll come back to you.