8:27pm

Tomorrow marks the day we leave early for Fort Bragg/Mendicino area for Thanksgiving.

I'm very excited to be near the ocean, and go to glass beach- not to mention get out of Grass Valley.

Dad is bringing "Jo-Cell".......

So yeah. Not sure how I feel about that.

Hardly know her. Hard to understand her sometimes. Bleh.. I just don't think I like this scenario.

I'll probably just be reading or taking photos the whole time.

We'll see. 

12:28am

Today was as most others. Worked all weekend.
I'm getting tired, but I need to just pull through.

Today was probably the first day I didn't like Emmit. 

And even then, I still love him.

Roderick just fucked with my head a little. Was talking to Em about drugs and that's

never a great subject with me. I don't deal well. Just awkward and try to 

pretend I don't hear.

Or walk away real fast but then almost secretly wish I could still hear, for what reason I'm not entirely sure. I guess mostly for just plain curiosity.

I cannot lie, Emmit would be 100% perfect i he didn't do those things.

And I did act a bit standoffish after hearing multiple conversations between them. I just get uncomfortable. I hate it. I want to be okay with it, but I just can't be.

I want to not care so much. I want to not be against all of it so much. I wish I could just drink or smoke

or something to see what the big deal is all about. But I just can't let myself.

I "claim" edge so now I have that on my shoulders.

I care too much about what people think. And what I think.

I guess I slowly let go of my worries and forgot about being distant. Which was kinda hard to do, because by lunch I missed his touch and him. We have been together just over a month and I can't ask for anything more in a person. (except the loss of drug use, I wouldn't care about drinking.)

I love him dearly. And I get nervous and happy and all sorts of feelings when it comes to my future. 

His future. 

Our future?

The rest of my shift was fine. Closed with Alannah, Salima, and Kathleen. All nice ladies. I was acting super silly all day for god knows why..

But it carried on to after work since I was surprised by Emmit in the parking lot, with a gift.

He bought me a succulent! And I was so pleased. We kissed and enjoyed each others company.

We went to his mom's to get his camera and then planned to go and take a night shot at this secret pond. We had some nice conversation with Elsa and his mom. I love being around them and now I'm comfortable enough to completely act myself.

We finally left and got some photos, and a bit spooked by some footsteps and some grave stone crosses. Ugh..

We got back to town, and dad sent me a text. Not pleased considering it was around 11:30pm.

I headed home (reluctantly) and had a pissed father waiting for me. 

With a list.

A lovely list of shit I don't do or could do better or change.

Just calling me out on being a bad daughter and family member.

-Which yeah, is quite a bit true. But it just sucks to hear that sort of thing.

And then defending myself is out of the question.

So I stand there and take it. Take the questioning as to why my eyes are glossy. (tired)

And what I was doing so late. (trespassing for the sake of photography)

And I hold back the tears as best as I can. But it's hard.

And of course eventually my eyes well up and gloss over and spill out. And I know at that moment that my eyelids will have swelled by the morning.

Life isn't easy. But I need to remember to be responsible.

Dad can't afford to pay for 2 houses, so we need to sell this one asap.

I also need to sleep. 

It's 1:23am.

Goodnight blog.

7:11pm

M: I wish I could have spent all day with you.

E: I do too. Happy one month, lovely (: I still can't believe I get to say that, that we're finally this. 

I get ridiculously excited by the endless number of days we have to spend together.

M: I want you to know, and I mean this from the deepest part of my being - that I love you.

I love the idea of us making memories.

I love the idea of you meeting my family.

I love the thought of having pictures of us on my walls.

I love the fact that there is an us. 

I love you.

You are such a huge component to my life and I couldn't be happier about that.

❤️

E: You've been one of my best friends for years. Being with you is so natural, effortless, yet somehow new and exciting all the time. 

I remember back in high school how much I looked forward to just spending a period with you just making you laugh. But I've always been uncannily attracted to you, and I can't believe it took me this long to just let you know. But I can't tell you how happy I am to be right where I am with you now. Now that I have you I can't think of anything if rather you be to me. 

I love you, Monica!

And #icantevenstevens

{and that, that is what love looks like.}

i adore you.

2:11am

Making myself feel sick.

I am happy as can be, but I'm a sick person.

Today is 1 month for Emmit and I. And I'm so happy. We FaceTime'd around 11 and stayed on till about 1. Just so we could say good morning and "happy 1 month" which was fantastic since I could see his face. It was better than just a phone call.

He makes me smile so much.

I am so happy to be with him, and I posted a photo of us on Tumblr with a few sentences just expressing how much I love him, and I had full intensions of Hana seeing.

It's not that I dislike her. I really don't she is a sweet girl and everything. But I know she loves him. And I'm not sure why that terrifies me. I'm just so scared of losing him. But I don't think it will happen. She lives in another state.

I'm still a sick person for intentionally trying to make her upset. I feel so nautious and just fucking sick.

I need to promise myself that I won't post anything like that with the intention of hurting her or anyone else for that matter. But solely to document how my relationship is doing.

My stomache is starting to calm down after just writing that. 

I need to sleep. I'll post more later today I hope.

9:31pm

Just a check in for the most part.

•still sick.

•still in love with Emmit.

•still kinda stressed for school/work

        -school > work

Today I also think I had a "panic attack" it was completely random, just as they always have been. And it was pretty shitty. I caught it just in time so I could still drive to school. Before my arms got too numb/heavy.

It sucks not being able to fill your lungs. But hey.. My body doesn't know what it's doing. It's been battling what I have just decided is a severe head cold for what seems like 2 plus weeks.

Being in my period wilst being sick is also just the bees knees.. 😒

Lighter note: Em and I watched The Village last night. It was really good and I wish it had kept going.

Dad either got the keys to the new house today or sometime tomorrow? Definitely soon. It's ours now and I'm so excited to move.

(I don't think I have mentioned it yet actually- we bought a house on Greenhorn)

Our house is still on the market and we still have people look at it every few weeks or so- but nothing seems promising. If we don't sell soon, we will rent. We certainly won't continue to live here.

It will be so nice to live so close to town.

•Emmit 

•work

•school

It's going to save me quite a bit of gas money I'm sure.

Hmmm lets see.. What else is new......

I can't think of much at the moment. But if it comes to me I'll post it later or another time.

Almost forgot! I had jury duty this morning.

Granted I was not picked- it was still an experience.

I hope to be picked again and actually be able to participate.

I may go into more detail with things like jury duty and whatever in another post. Who knows?

Goodnight

10:50pm

It's amazing how different this is. How much happier I am.

And the thought of ever losing you is unbearable. But the thought of your past still makes me nervous. I know it shouldn't though.

You tell me everyday how much you love me, how well we fit and everything else that could make me cry tears of joy.

-but I'm a realist. And you're different than anyone else.

I just can lose you. Not that I imagine it happening anytime soon.

I imagine this.. Us..

For as long as I can hope for.

I adore you more than you know. Well, actually- you do. And I'm so glad. 

2:58pm

Well. My last post was pretty sad. But I'm beyond that. Very much past all that bullshit. To an extent..

I still will look back at my relationship with Sam and I just get sick to my stomach. Do I regret him being my first? No. But by the end if our relationship I was just so unattracted to him it's disgusting. Sexually I wanted nothing to do with him.

Granted that day was horrid- I had my breakdown. Some to dad. And have been SO okay ever since.

Even more than okay.

I hung out with Emmit just about everyday after the breakup. I needed someone to make me laugh. I needed some happy in my life after 2~3 months of misery. And I got just that.

Emmit gave me that.

I had known him since high school and then having him work with me was and still is very nice.

When getting close to Emmit I was not looking to jump into another relationship. I merely just needed someone to make me laugh, smile, and change my attitude.

Because I'm sure if you asked any of my coworkers- I'd needed one.

It took about a week if not a day or so after, for him to confess his likeness for me. And I couldn't deny I had grown quite the same feelings for him right back. That day we kissed.

In the park in town across from Quinn's house. Laying in the cold grass and leaves. And it was perfect.

Feelings only grew stronger and by October 11th he wanted to put a label on it. And so we did.

Just a few moments later, he told me he loved me. And I was thrilled.

I felt as though I had known Emmit forever. And loved him just as long. We constantly told each other how much we liked each other and what we liked exactly. But every time I told him I liked him, it was me telling him I loved him.

It was so hard to not tell him I loved him.

And he said he felt the same way. We are practically the same person. I can talk to him about anything and actually have a conversation with him. We have similar passions and hobbies. It just wouldn't make sense to fight it.

I dont even think about how we work together. We are both professional and everyone loves us together. Even my dad likes him. And that's huge. 

My phone is going to die soon. And I'm writing this while I'm in science so I should go- but I needed to write down how much happier I am. School is catching up with me a tad but I feel as though I'm succeeding in life quite a bit. And it feels so nice.

There will be more to
come.