9:42pm

Hey- so I don't want this to be a long post tonight. Since I'm pretty tired (and still sick) and I think I need to make more short often posts rather than long ones spread out.

RECAP:

• Friday: Aidan's party. Drank some alcohol. Progressed into drunk for the first time. IT was fun and interesting. 
• People were also doing things I didn't like. Emmit included. But we talked about that. And I threw up.
• Saturday: 
• Morning- What I can only assume is a hangover? Proceeded to making another 3-4 trips to the bathroom. That went away and Emmit and I got ready to head to Reno.
• Late Afternoon- took a nap, (longer than necessary turns out) as well as other stops. Left GV with a bit of extra time, just not enough.
• Evening- missed the Jeff Dunham show. Stuck in the snow on why 20. Made the best of it. Got to the Reno at 10:30pm and settled in the hotel room at 11:30pm. Took my first bath with another person as well as slept in a hotel room naked. (I love having most of my firsts with Emmit.)
• Sunday: We woke up. Watched some nice adventure type shows and then he went and got us breakfast while I got ready for the rest of the day. He got back to the room, we ate, had hotel sex, and headed out. (Great hotel sex..) Stopped by both of The Hub's locations. This hip coffee shop that Emmit's friend Watson works at. Took a few photos and then headed back home by 2. got home by 4 so I could make it to Ronnie's birthday party. Em had to pass, had things to do and that was more than okay. I was extremely tired myself, but he was missed by my family.
• Monday: (today) Slept in till 10am which is close to as late as I could since I have school. Reluctantly got up and attempted to clear all the shit from my throat and nose. Headed out into the rain and went to school. Flash forward to palates- Sophie and I are sitting in my car since of course we got out of ASL 2 early.. and the rain from today turns into snow. Sophie doesn't have 4WD so she needed to leave and miss class for safety purposes. Dad wanted me to head on home as well so I did just that.

We are now caught up and so here I sit in bed getting dry tired and heading to concluding my post of the night. Like I said, I want to try and just write more short paragraphed posts. I think that will be good.

PS- last night I had a dream I've had a few times before. Wit my mom in it. I travel to her house and it's kind of in the suburb and it's pretty big and nice. But in all the times I've had this dream before she comes and gets me and drives me there. In this one Emmit is with me as well. It's weird because in one portion we go from a highway type road to ice and a slight downhill which then turns into just white blank space? It's so incredibly hard to put into words. But next thing I know we pull up next to her house. All I really remember is most lights in her house are off except for a fish tank and the light above the stove. Yet those and some night lights, light all we need to see. I know more happens I think- like I'm pretty sure me and her have a private conversation somewhere and then Em and I head back up the ice path and back home. I haven't dreamt of my mom since I don't know when. (pss: no text from her on my birthday) So all I can really conclude is that dreams are weird. And tomorrow is April Fools Day. And I really hope Caroline's closes early if not all together. As well as class. Because I'm still sick and need all the rest I can get my hands on. (I work everyday this week..) *shoot me*

So in that case- I'm off to bed. Sweet (normal) dreams..

11:27am

I was going to write a few days ago about how I'm getting tired and I was going to specifically say "how bad is it that I want a sick day?"
Well.. I had my wish granted without actually putting it in writing. Yesterday I worked a long shift 10:30-6:30 and I'm feeling pretty tough for making it through. By the time the closers got there and I went on my lunch with Em, I was feeling pretty down. But we took a walk and got some fresh air which was nice. But by the time 4:45~ rolled around and all our customers had cleared out I was feeling pretty shitty. And all the girls kept telling me how warm it was outside, yet I had a consistent set of goosebumps all over my body. I was freezing and at that moment I knew I had a fever. I was slow and cold but I made it through the shift and headed home. Blake was watching TV when I got there and I immediately went and got the thermometer and low and behold- I had a 100.5 temperature.

Blake is always really nice to me when I'm sick which is very appreciated. He made a fire, got me a blanket, and even looked for headphones for me. And when he couldn't find any, he even let me borrow his nice ones I got him for christmas a few years ago.
Then dad fixed me up some ice-cream all while I watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Which was so incredible. When you think about the animation and color and all it took to create that film.. good grief. It may just have been because I as sick, but I love old disney movies when creativity and animation was still in progress. When an artist could create a 3D image out of line and hand movements and such. Before we had computers and it could all be digitized and done with the touch of a few buttons. Hand painted shots and such are some of the best. Again, it may just be my sick brain talking but I don't think so.

Oh! One important thing I have yet to mention.... *drumroll please*

SOPHIE GOT THE JOB!

I can't wait for her to start. I have such a good feeling about her being part of the Carolines team. Sam quit as well as Karen.. Which I am bummed about. More KP than Sam. But either way, I lose 2 an gain one great person. I get to work with my best friend! (Both of my best friends if I'm allowed to count Emmit).. (;

It almost hasn't hit me that she will be there and I get to train her and stuff! Today she is meeting at 1pm to go over paperwork and get her all set up. Then I'm sure she will start soon after. 

But I must admit, that I'm halfway a little bummed for lack of a better word. I'm coming up on 3 years at a coffee shop- which is a very long time. And I'm not sure how much longer I should stay. I hate to think about that sort of thing right as Sophie gets hired. But then again I don't think this will be a longterm job for her. She was accepted to Sac State so she will be commuting 2 days a week there (in the Fall) but that semester will show her if she wants to commute or end up just moving. I'm not too worried about it. Since that won't be for quite a while.

<----------------------------->

Emmit has been researching schools and such in Oregon. Which is really exciting for him but also makes me nervous. I want to move to the Portland area more than anywhere else. And I think he does to. I'm not sure how to word what I'm trying to express. Bleh. 

I guess I'm nervous that he will find a school and leave and I won't have enough money to move too, and I really don't want to have him leave and me stay here. If he goes I want to go too. I guess in a nutshell I'm scared of losing him? I have grown very attached to this person and I don't want to lose him in any way. Certainly don't want to turn this into a long distance relationship. (Because we all know the stats on those)..

So I need to make an appointment with m councilor and see what I've accomplished. What I need to do. And what I can do at different schools, in Portland.

I need to know if I should be looking for Photography based schools, or just another JC, or a 4 year type of thing?? I have no idea what I'm doing at this point. And I really need help. So today while I'm taking a mental/physical health day I'm going to go to school to make an appointment with my counselor. Then I'm going to maybe buy a new bowl for Winston since he has become much too much an escape artist.. then maybe a plant or something. Do some minimal things out in town while I can. I need to clean my room a little bit too. I would love to go through all the boxes of things in the garage and decide what I'm selling in a yard sale at the new house. But I don't know if I see that happening today.

We shall see. I better shower or something though. 

Since I'm feeling pretty okay.

10:16am

It's been a few days now and I have a bit of a recap to do.

Last time I wrote it was the 14th, the day before my birthday. Since then I have turned 21. Which is still something I need to work on grasping.
On the 15th I worked a morning shift with Emmit and Beau. Total dream team. So it was pretty nice, minus the fact that it was incredibly busy. After we got through the hectic shift it turned out to be I was exhausted. I had a few morning shifts prior and they were beginning to catch up with me. So Emmit and I headed to his house and napped for a few hours before we met up with my dad and the few family members that could make it to Players Pizza for a small celebration.
We didn't nap a whole lot ..knowing us.. we had a house to ourselves. Need I say more?
So birthday sex was a tad in order. And everything was fine till my body decided to make weird noises. Annnnnyways.. -.-

We won't be able to try again without any odd bodily functions until the weekend we get away. Thanks to mother nature (and my birth control regimen). So thankfully my period will end just before  we leave. For my birthday dad got Em and I tickets for Jeff Dunham in Reno and a room at the Atlantis Hotel. Crazy right? My dad buying me a hotel room? But when he explained how odd it was for him it made sense. If I did decide to drink or what have you I'd have a safe place to return to. And since it is hour(s) or so away from home it only makes sense to stay in Reno. Then we have the next day to meander as we please.
Along with that great gift were many bottles of wine and gift cards.

After the party began to wind down around 7:30~ we wrapped it up and headed back to town. Emmit bought us tickets to go see Golden Shoulders at the Back Center Stage. I was a bit hesitant because it would have been my first show and I wasn't sure what to expect. But I said lets go and I'm SO glad I did.
The opener was a mellow guy with a soft but strong voice. He called himself/group "____ Fog" I forget the first word.. damn it.  But Golden Shoulders were phenomenal! Totally my style of people and sound. Will definitely be downloading them as well as seeing them again I hope.

The show ended and we headed back to Emmit's. Maddie and Jake were of  course watching Friends.. It was getting late but we wandered to the kitchen- and they had just a smidgen of wine left in a bottle and he offered it to me. It was 11:30pm. Almost a half hour away from being March 16th. I thought why not.. just put my worries aside and took a sip and it warmed my throat. It wasn't even a full glass so half of me wonders if it counts and the other half of me is like "well it was alcohol" I guess it really doesn't matter. So whatever happened, happened. We headed to bed and since we both worked in the morning we carpooled to work.

After we got off that shift we were invited to go to the river with friends. I soaked up some sun and even took a small nap. It was nice. I think that was about it for things that have happened in the past few days. Just back to work and school.

Oh! Sophie has an interview today! And I'm sure she has the job in the bag really. But
I better head out. I have class in little bit and I told Sophie I'd braid her hair and let her borrow a necklace for the interview.

I'll report back with whatever happens!

9:50pm

It's been a little bit since I've posted anything. Today was nice. I opened and had a great mood through the whole shift. I created somewhere in my head to ask everyone who came in "what they are excited for".

I got quite a few interesting answers. And it kept me smiling. I'll have to try it again tomorrow perhaps.

The other day I finally got my aperture tattoo. Dad is not pleased but is talking to me and acting normal (mainly because tomorrow is my birthday.) but I think it will carry over and we will be fine.

It's there and there isn't really anything we can so about it now. I'm very happy with how it came out. Eddie did a fantastic job. Emmit and Sophie were there to watch it all happen and I'm glad that it was them I got to share that moment with.

After it happened (and didn't hurt- again!) I had one less thing to stress about. It was so nice to just get it out of the way and now I get to have it and see it all the time. Then today my new iphone came in. Still in the setting up process but it should all come together by tomorrow. And then tomorrow is the big day. I still have been letting my thoughts get the best of me and I hate it. I feel stressed over nothing and I'm just pouring it all over Emmit. Tomorrow I'm going to almost forget it's my birthday. I'm not going to mention it, I'm merely going to go about my shift and see what happens. I'm not going to think about anything that happens after.

Dad said that all he could so was get. Small group together. Bobby, Leesa, Em, Blake, and Dad. The way that he said it all kinda makes me think that something might be up but I actually don't think so.

Aunt Schan Delle and the gang are going to be out of town so they won't be coming. It's okay, pizza at 5:30 at Players and then possibly going to a show with Em at 8:30 at the Center for the Arts. We both work the next morning so if we both stay out late maybe we can both survive the next day.

We shall see. 

I better get some sleep. I've got one hellof a day tomorrow.

Until next time.

5:53pm

Maybe I need to let go a little. Try things. But maybe not. Maybe I'm nervous and still just feel so scared.

I hate Facebook. It's impossible to keep your thoughts straight.

Knowing things makes me feel sick. And shaky and shitty. It's inescapable.

The blame game gets old so I can't keep doing that. But damn it! Had I had a normal parent maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty about these things.

Maybe I'm just in an emotional state today. But then again maybe I have reason to feel my stomach churning.

I hate being vague.

I shouldn't be vague here.

<------------------------>

I guess I'll just change subject so I can try and stop feeling sick.

My birthday is officially 1 week away. 

(Perhaps that wasn't the best subject change..)

I have a morning shift which is fine. Emmit and Beau will be there.

Then I work the next day in the morning. So much for having a few days off- but that doesn't matter either.

I'm doing my best to distract myself from the countdown, and really I've done a fantastic job. It wasn't until later this afternoon I realized how soon it was.

Tattoo is coming up as well as the 5 month mark. All exciting things.

Then my birthday has to come and fuck it all up. 

(Stop being negative. Stop overthinking. Just let the fucking day happen. Whatever happens that day doesn't matter.)

*repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat*

b r e a t h e. Breathe for the love of scout just breathe for a moment. Stop the urge to cry for whatever built up reason(s) you've come to make.

Go swing. Go walk. Go find a damn distraction. 

You should probably shower. Your roots are making it clear you need it.

But you cry in showers sometimes. And we are trying to avoid that. So maybe wait till tonight.

<------------------>

I miss Juleia.

And Janna.

And Rachel.

And my sister.

But tomorrow is dinner at The Nettles'. So I'll be surrounded by family and Emmit will go and it should be nice.

(Hey focus on that!)

Not the sad things. Not the bad things the internet brings.

Focus on the nice things. Like how you just gifted yourself with new nose jewelry. And cute moccasin boots.

Think about how you can spend your birthday with your family this year and not feel like everyone forgot it because you didn't drive to Santa Cruz like last year.

If that is what you end up doing. Wait- stop thinking about your birthday. Go back to dinner and your shoes. 

Just get off your phone. Turn it off or something. Idk

But this may not be helping.

But remember to shower later. You probably stink. 

9:43pm

Had my talk with Courtney. Went well.

She wasn't too hurt by our friendship taking a break and/or ending entirely. Which I don't care about. I'm not too hurt myself. If anything, relieved may be a better term. Although I don't think it will seem any different than the way things were a week ago. I got out what I had to say.

I still had to take everything she had to say with a grain of salt. Which was expected. 

Like I've said before, I feel like I've had the conversation in my head so many times that I was tired/fed up once we actually had it.

I had class and then met with Emmit for lunch and recap of our conversation. We got onto the topic of Cru. How he falls in the same category at Courtney. They are both just morally different than us. Not only morally- but that's the big difference.

Finding out about their one night was my breaking point.

I can now easily start letting myself fall away from Cru or anyone who I don't feel treats me right, values me, etc.

I have a morning shift and should get some rest, but I promised myself I would document how my talk went. So there it is.

<------------------------->

I'm getting closer with the girl I sit next to in Digital Art & Design. Her name is Emily and is very much my style. We have very similar life goals and it was the first time we actually got to talking about that sort of thing. It was nice, to hear her plans and whatnot.

Anyways, I thought that was worth noting.

I'm off to bed.

Good night, until next time. 

10:14pm

I feel like I've almost been avoiding blogging lately. I've just been having the same conversation in my head for the past few days that I guess I think I've had it already and am (for lack of a better word) "over it."

I'm not over it, nor will I ever be.

The conversation I have with Courtney tomorrow has been long over due.
I for the second time in a year will feel in control. Calling the shots when it comes to a friendship.

No more people being done with Monica

no.. she is learning and realizing what she is worth. And she is not giving all she has to give to just anybody.

Although it was not easy for her to commit to meeting with me in person, and tried to pull some shit up from the past or make me look like the bad guy- I wasn't having it. She was going to hear what I had to say.

I suppose I think of this as a form of closure. She owes me a half hour at least. I need to know why she did it. If she thought of me at all before. I want to hear what she has to say.

Regardless if it happened months ago and she wanted to forget it, she still blatantly hid it from me. There were probably many times when she could have said it and put it in ways to make our friendship either be mend able, or end on a better note.

Cru is in the same place. He only values my talents or friendship when he needs me. Paint signs, pumpkins, model for your benefit.. whatever it may be. He has treated me and spoke to me like shit.
I make a photo black and white. Make it a photo where friends and family can see and compliment his work, and he snaps. Sends an awful message my way, thinking he is completely valid in treating me that way and makes me remove said image.

Now this could have gone several different ways..

I could have asked him if I could make the photo black and white and put it on the website.
That could have gone one of two ways. He says yes or no. This is the way I should have gone about it being a fellow photographer and understanding the rules of other peoples images.

I could have done what I did- changing it without his permission. Replied to his message and said how he is overreacting and treating me like shit. When all I had done was bring down the saturation. The website automatically crops it- so to blame me for cropping it is also out of line.
This is the way I wish I had handled it.

But me being me, Emmit being a really good person, talked me into just listening to him an replying with a short message.

Which I had.
I value that piece of shit's friendship too much to risk starting a conversation that I know will only go in a poor direction. Most likely resulting in a loss of friendship. Since he is a stubborn egocentric bastard. But now that he is like my brother and I've worked so hard to get to that level, it's hard to just let all that go.

On the other hand, hearing facts from Emmit like I had the other week, and then being treated like I was in that message.. sure makes it easier to distance myself from him.

He is very much all about himself. He has told me before that he uses people to benefit himself. And I've noticed I have done this with him too though. I use his knowledge or experience to help me. I definitely feel I go about it a bit differently.
We clearly have different morals/values/beliefs.
Emmit also has noticed this.

I suppose I can only be grateful to have come to realize all this early enough on. And be with someone who is very much on the same page as I am.

<----------------------------->

The other day I worked an interesting morning shift. We all got there a bit later considering we had no water. So I worked a shorter shift and once we did open it got so busy that it made the day go by even faster. I was off by one and headed over to Briar Patch to do some homework. I finished two quizzes for Human Sexuality a few days before they were even due, then headed home. The rain had stopped just long enough so I had enough sunlight, energy, and motivation to take scout for a walk. Which was really nice. The lighting everywhere was a bit gloomy and excellent for portraits. But also just cool and nice to walk in. Easy to breathe, which I've needed lately.
I was an hour I got to spend with Scout and clear my mind. If only for a short time.
We got back home and I got in the shower, just a few minutes after I got out Dad and Jocell walked in. Blake has been spending nights at friends or cousins. So it was just the four of us counting Scout. Granted I wasn't the happiest when dad brings her over randomly- but as the night progressed, I told dad about the tattoo appointment. Which needed to be said. And it is now one stress I don't have to hold on my shoulders anymore.
He wasn't happy about it. Became quite silent. Headed to the shower and that's when Jocell and I got to talk a bit. I told her about my first tattoo and all it meant and when the second one means. She was completely understanding and on my side about it. (Major gold stars in my book..) So maybe she can talk to my dad a bit. Open his mind a bit to things that make him uncomfortable.
Either way, I'm getting more and more excited for it.

March has completely snuck up on me.

• The 11th is only 9 days away. 
• The 13th is just 11.
• And last but not least the 15th is 13 days away. 

Those numbers will only get smaller and at a very rapid rate. March is generally fairly busy- but this year seems a bit crazier than previous ones.

PS: I'm not going to talk at all about me turning 21 in this post. (with the exception of right then).. because it's still just a bit too much for me to grasp.

Well, I have an eventful day tomorrow.

Expect a full story.