10:12am

Where to begin, I'll start with a Good Morning! I'm in a wonderful mood today all thanks to yesterday. It was the first day in I don't know how long that Em and I both had the day off. So we spent it to the fullest of its potential. I woke up early, showered, and headed up the hill to town to get some boots then meet Emmit at Caroline's. His scooter had a bolt or something come off and a piece was almost dragging on the ground so I came to his rescue. We then went to Briar Patch, got some breakfast and then headed to his house to grab some adventuring equipment.

Stopped by Caroline's- filled up our thermoses,  and off we went.
Tobogans in the back ready to play in the snow, camera batteries filled, as well as film loaded.

Headed up Highway 49 in search of snow and beautiful scenery. Both of which we received. Granted- we didn't get to use the sleds due to lack of snow and by the time we got to areas of 6200 ft elevation it was getting too dark to use them. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The drive up the hill was just divine, we stopped at the river to see how low it was then continued on to the dam at Bullards. Stopped and took some photos and basked in the largeness of it all.
We both have the same feelings towards large structures.

Climbed into a bridge overlooking a beautiful river that leads to the Yuba.

After that we got back on the road and stumbled across this huge forest with ferns between the trees and it was a no brainer we had to stop and take advantage of that. I could have stayed there all day if we could.

He had to remind me of our time management problem so we left. Continued on the road and enjoyed the beautiful white snow against the flowing river in my side of he road. At one point we had passed a opening in some trees and knew in that moment we had to turn around and take some photos there as well.

We are still making great time at this point and the day is not even close to being over. On our journey onward we passed by many little cabins you can rent out (which we will also be looking into.) 

I didn't get any photos of them since I was still just so mesmerized by the day itself and all the trees and how majestic they are. Soon we passed through Downieville, which if you've never been there- which I hadn't.. then let me just tell you. It's the quaintest little town that was born for Christmas. Em and I had nicknamed it "Little Switzerland" because it was just lovely. The snow and there were still christmas light and trees out all over the streets. I was in complete awe of the tiny town.

We didn't stop and walk around due to his plans ahead. But we did stop in another small town to pee and get road food. 

Emmit told me about his love for rest stops and such. And then I proceeded to ask if we had a plan or destination. It was just a few minutest later when we came across a sign that read -Road Closed- and it was covered in snow. But only for about 100 yards and with my 4WD it was no issue. It was pretty compacted and I trust Emmit to drive me safely anywhere.

Soon enough the grand finale has approached us and we sat a bit and took more photos. He had one more Christmas present for me and let me open it in front of this beautiful landscape. It was really for us, a bottle of massage oil. We had previously mentioned how nice it would be to have some actual massage oil since we give each other back rubs often.

#adventuremobile

This isn't the end of our trip but we are getting close. We stopped at another lookout point overlooking Sierra Valley I believe. At this point we are in Sierra City and back at the small town we got food at we were long out of Nevada County. Perhaps even before that. That overlook wasn't as nice since the trees were grown fairly tall and covering a bit of the view but the whole valley was covered in snow and just looked like this tiny town in the middle of a frozen lake. Which was a beautiful idea. At this point the sky was a gorgeous plum violet.

Since the sun was setting it got quite cold and we didn't stay long. We then headed down into the snow valley lake where the Sierra Hot Springs were. We had thought about checking them out since the day before but I wasn't sure if we still wanted to. Next thing we know we are in 90º water that is completely natural. Filled with minerals and exfoliating our skin without realizing it.

We had 3 hours to soak in a number of pools but only 2 we took advantage of. It was absolutely the best way to have concluded our evening. 

On our way home after drying off and warmed up in the car we passed through Downtown Truckee which was very cute with its tree-lit street. We stopped and snacked a bit and then carried on and sang  to silly old songs and such while I also edited these photos.

To think about how much we did in just one day. In less than 24 hours we had done some of our most favourite things and it was just more than I could have ever asked for. 

We have asked for a few days off in Late January to actually go camping just before the semester starts, that of which we are both looking forward to as well.

I better wrap this post up since I think that describes our full day.

On a separate note- Christmas was a few days ago and was nice. Small and very laid back. Nice to have a few days off to recoup and just relax. But today I plan to get some things done. Clean, return something to Ross and such.

Regardless today should be nice just from my old mood continuing onto today.

Until next time,

Me.

5:18pm

It's finals week and tomorrow will be the last day of the semester. It's weird. It never feels right or hits me that I don't have to wake up early on Mondays and Wednesdays anymore..

Today is also the 2 month mark point with Emmit. I could not ask for a better person to be in love with. I really feel like this is what it feels like. But it's only 2 months in. I just can't describe how much happier and natural it all feels compared to who I was with previously.

I guess it just doesn't feel like 2 months since I've known him for so long.

Regardless, I don't even remember what it's like to kiss anyone else nor do I want to.

I would like to get rid of this splitting headache I currently have. I need food. I think I'll head over to Briar Patch and pick up something. Especially if I'm going to Victorian Christmas tonight with Emmit, Cru, and John.

Cru's lady friend Jamie came over from Utah for a bit and left yesterday. She's gorgeous and I really like her. Cru said he's in deep. Completely head over heals- I'm really happy for him. He deserves someone like her. And I'm really comfortable with where I stand with Cru. He's like a big brother and I love calling him that. There is no attraction to him on any other level really. He's attractive, but I have Emmit and I adore him. (:

Let's see, the new house is coming together. Still pretty gutted since the last time I saw it. But it's really coming together. I'm more excited than I can put into words. I need to clean out my cluttered mess of a room and start fresh. Minimalism will be my new middle name.

I think my headache is finally fading away thank goodness. But I still need food.

Christmas carols have been played on a loop for the past 14 days and we still haven't even put up our tree. Ugh....

But all my gifts are just about done for Em. I haven't really had much time for anyone else. I'm planning on that after tomorrow. 

I'm broke- so it will be not nearly as extravagant as last year. Buying both my dad and Blake cameras.. Knife set for dad.. Headphones for Blake.. Etc.

This semester has hit my bank account full force.

But I'll be fine. Making the most of it.

-just had to catch up on things. Since I've been away for a bit.

Ps- Thanksgiving was also nice. Fort Bragg with the family. Photos below. 

8:27pm

Tomorrow marks the day we leave early for Fort Bragg/Mendicino area for Thanksgiving.

I'm very excited to be near the ocean, and go to glass beach- not to mention get out of Grass Valley.

Dad is bringing "Jo-Cell".......

So yeah. Not sure how I feel about that.

Hardly know her. Hard to understand her sometimes. Bleh.. I just don't think I like this scenario.

I'll probably just be reading or taking photos the whole time.

We'll see. 

12:28am

Today was as most others. Worked all weekend.
I'm getting tired, but I need to just pull through.

Today was probably the first day I didn't like Emmit. 

And even then, I still love him.

Roderick just fucked with my head a little. Was talking to Em about drugs and that's

never a great subject with me. I don't deal well. Just awkward and try to 

pretend I don't hear.

Or walk away real fast but then almost secretly wish I could still hear, for what reason I'm not entirely sure. I guess mostly for just plain curiosity.

I cannot lie, Emmit would be 100% perfect i he didn't do those things.

And I did act a bit standoffish after hearing multiple conversations between them. I just get uncomfortable. I hate it. I want to be okay with it, but I just can't be.

I want to not care so much. I want to not be against all of it so much. I wish I could just drink or smoke

or something to see what the big deal is all about. But I just can't let myself.

I "claim" edge so now I have that on my shoulders.

I care too much about what people think. And what I think.

I guess I slowly let go of my worries and forgot about being distant. Which was kinda hard to do, because by lunch I missed his touch and him. We have been together just over a month and I can't ask for anything more in a person. (except the loss of drug use, I wouldn't care about drinking.)

I love him dearly. And I get nervous and happy and all sorts of feelings when it comes to my future. 

His future. 

Our future?

The rest of my shift was fine. Closed with Alannah, Salima, and Kathleen. All nice ladies. I was acting super silly all day for god knows why..

But it carried on to after work since I was surprised by Emmit in the parking lot, with a gift.

He bought me a succulent! And I was so pleased. We kissed and enjoyed each others company.

We went to his mom's to get his camera and then planned to go and take a night shot at this secret pond. We had some nice conversation with Elsa and his mom. I love being around them and now I'm comfortable enough to completely act myself.

We finally left and got some photos, and a bit spooked by some footsteps and some grave stone crosses. Ugh..

We got back to town, and dad sent me a text. Not pleased considering it was around 11:30pm.

I headed home (reluctantly) and had a pissed father waiting for me. 

With a list.

A lovely list of shit I don't do or could do better or change.

Just calling me out on being a bad daughter and family member.

-Which yeah, is quite a bit true. But it just sucks to hear that sort of thing.

And then defending myself is out of the question.

So I stand there and take it. Take the questioning as to why my eyes are glossy. (tired)

And what I was doing so late. (trespassing for the sake of photography)

And I hold back the tears as best as I can. But it's hard.

And of course eventually my eyes well up and gloss over and spill out. And I know at that moment that my eyelids will have swelled by the morning.

Life isn't easy. But I need to remember to be responsible.

Dad can't afford to pay for 2 houses, so we need to sell this one asap.

I also need to sleep. 

It's 1:23am.

Goodnight blog.

7:11pm

M: I wish I could have spent all day with you.

E: I do too. Happy one month, lovely (: I still can't believe I get to say that, that we're finally this. 

I get ridiculously excited by the endless number of days we have to spend together.

M: I want you to know, and I mean this from the deepest part of my being - that I love you.

I love the idea of us making memories.

I love the idea of you meeting my family.

I love the thought of having pictures of us on my walls.

I love the fact that there is an us. 

I love you.

You are such a huge component to my life and I couldn't be happier about that.

❤️

E: You've been one of my best friends for years. Being with you is so natural, effortless, yet somehow new and exciting all the time. 

I remember back in high school how much I looked forward to just spending a period with you just making you laugh. But I've always been uncannily attracted to you, and I can't believe it took me this long to just let you know. But I can't tell you how happy I am to be right where I am with you now. Now that I have you I can't think of anything if rather you be to me. 

I love you, Monica!

And #icantevenstevens

{and that, that is what love looks like.}

i adore you.

2:11am

Making myself feel sick.

I am happy as can be, but I'm a sick person.

Today is 1 month for Emmit and I. And I'm so happy. We FaceTime'd around 11 and stayed on till about 1. Just so we could say good morning and "happy 1 month" which was fantastic since I could see his face. It was better than just a phone call.

He makes me smile so much.

I am so happy to be with him, and I posted a photo of us on Tumblr with a few sentences just expressing how much I love him, and I had full intensions of Hana seeing.

It's not that I dislike her. I really don't she is a sweet girl and everything. But I know she loves him. And I'm not sure why that terrifies me. I'm just so scared of losing him. But I don't think it will happen. She lives in another state.

I'm still a sick person for intentionally trying to make her upset. I feel so nautious and just fucking sick.

I need to promise myself that I won't post anything like that with the intention of hurting her or anyone else for that matter. But solely to document how my relationship is doing.

My stomache is starting to calm down after just writing that. 

I need to sleep. I'll post more later today I hope.

9:31pm

Just a check in for the most part.

•still sick.

•still in love with Emmit.

•still kinda stressed for school/work

        -school > work

Today I also think I had a "panic attack" it was completely random, just as they always have been. And it was pretty shitty. I caught it just in time so I could still drive to school. Before my arms got too numb/heavy.

It sucks not being able to fill your lungs. But hey.. My body doesn't know what it's doing. It's been battling what I have just decided is a severe head cold for what seems like 2 plus weeks.

Being in my period wilst being sick is also just the bees knees.. 😒

Lighter note: Em and I watched The Village last night. It was really good and I wish it had kept going.

Dad either got the keys to the new house today or sometime tomorrow? Definitely soon. It's ours now and I'm so excited to move.

(I don't think I have mentioned it yet actually- we bought a house on Greenhorn)

Our house is still on the market and we still have people look at it every few weeks or so- but nothing seems promising. If we don't sell soon, we will rent. We certainly won't continue to live here.

It will be so nice to live so close to town.

•Emmit 

•work

•school

It's going to save me quite a bit of gas money I'm sure.

Hmmm lets see.. What else is new......

I can't think of much at the moment. But if it comes to me I'll post it later or another time.

Almost forgot! I had jury duty this morning.

Granted I was not picked- it was still an experience.

I hope to be picked again and actually be able to participate.

I may go into more detail with things like jury duty and whatever in another post. Who knows?

Goodnight

10:50pm

It's amazing how different this is. How much happier I am.

And the thought of ever losing you is unbearable. But the thought of your past still makes me nervous. I know it shouldn't though.

You tell me everyday how much you love me, how well we fit and everything else that could make me cry tears of joy.

-but I'm a realist. And you're different than anyone else.

I just can lose you. Not that I imagine it happening anytime soon.

I imagine this.. Us..

For as long as I can hope for.

I adore you more than you know. Well, actually- you do. And I'm so glad. 

2:58pm

Well. My last post was pretty sad. But I'm beyond that. Very much past all that bullshit. To an extent..

I still will look back at my relationship with Sam and I just get sick to my stomach. Do I regret him being my first? No. But by the end if our relationship I was just so unattracted to him it's disgusting. Sexually I wanted nothing to do with him.

Granted that day was horrid- I had my breakdown. Some to dad. And have been SO okay ever since.

Even more than okay.

I hung out with Emmit just about everyday after the breakup. I needed someone to make me laugh. I needed some happy in my life after 2~3 months of misery. And I got just that.

Emmit gave me that.

I had known him since high school and then having him work with me was and still is very nice.

When getting close to Emmit I was not looking to jump into another relationship. I merely just needed someone to make me laugh, smile, and change my attitude.

Because I'm sure if you asked any of my coworkers- I'd needed one.

It took about a week if not a day or so after, for him to confess his likeness for me. And I couldn't deny I had grown quite the same feelings for him right back. That day we kissed.

In the park in town across from Quinn's house. Laying in the cold grass and leaves. And it was perfect.

Feelings only grew stronger and by October 11th he wanted to put a label on it. And so we did.

Just a few moments later, he told me he loved me. And I was thrilled.

I felt as though I had known Emmit forever. And loved him just as long. We constantly told each other how much we liked each other and what we liked exactly. But every time I told him I liked him, it was me telling him I loved him.

It was so hard to not tell him I loved him.

And he said he felt the same way. We are practically the same person. I can talk to him about anything and actually have a conversation with him. We have similar passions and hobbies. It just wouldn't make sense to fight it.

I dont even think about how we work together. We are both professional and everyone loves us together. Even my dad likes him. And that's huge. 

My phone is going to die soon. And I'm writing this while I'm in science so I should go- but I needed to write down how much happier I am. School is catching up with me a tad but I feel as though I'm succeeding in life quite a bit. And it feels so nice.

There will be more to
come.

9:14pm

My last post dropped off out of nowhere. I know, I was supposed to come back to it, but clearly that didn't happen.

I haven't blogged in much too long and I really reeeeally should have.

Today, I ended my relationship with Sam. 

Things had been rough after 6 months. We made it to 8. And those last few really shouldn't have happened almost.

I don't want to go into detail tonight about our decline- I just got myself to stop crying.

(Was not the greatest day of my life)

I had told everyone that "I was fine. I did the right thing, etc"

 And all that is true. But I also had school to distract me from my mind thinking otherwise.

So by the time I got home, I was sitting in the bathroom bawling my eyes out feeling so alone and just panicking if I had made the right choice.

Although Blake was home I hadn't told him. I needed a friend or my dad to physically comfort me and talk to me.

I had told everyone I was okay, but I really wasn't. I hadn't truly vented yet.

Now that I have I feel better. No sense in regretting things. This is just a new beginning for me. I'm ready to see what happens. I can only hope that this change is good and gets better. (Not hard to do).

Well- I have class early in the morning. So I need to rest these swollen eyes.

But I needed to get this down into words.

Until next time. 

8:20pm

Note to self: Never go so long without blogging ever again.
Life has been worth blogging about lately. Good and bad reasons.

But since I hadn't written in so long, today I had a pretty big breakdown.

1:03pm

Wowzers.. I've been busy. But I really need to catch up on my blogging to de-stress.
It's been a good busy.. really.

I've now shot 3 weddings! Lets go back and reread that shall we.. THREE WEDDINGS!!

1. The first with Kurtis and the low lit restaurant in Roseville
2. Second somewhat with Winter for her sisters. Outdoors, Paris themed- cute!
3. And the third was just the other day on the 13th yet again with Kurtis, at the Empire Mine for the most perfect couple I have yet to witness, Corbin & Stephanie.

This last wedding has made me think differently about weddings all together. This was the first to make me cry. I truly felt the passion and love these two people had for each other.
As we had done in the first wedding I was responsible for the groomsmen and Groom himself. Which I am totally okay with. The guys are easy going, laid back, an put me at ease.
This specific group of guys were so awesome. I had actually ended up becoming really close with and now am friends with on Facebook.

That was the vibe I had from this wedding the whole night. Easy to talk to everyone and just like I was with my own friends. I can't describe how good it felt to be there.
It was just as how I hope or imagine my wedding to be like one day.

I took just over 1,500 photos that night.

So I'll have quite a lot to edit. I  hope to be done by the time Mariah's wedding rolls around on the 10th of August. I certainly have my work cut out for me.

But I'm not complaining. I enjoy what I do.

Although I only got about 5 hours of sleep the night of  the Boyle Wedding- and I had to work at 6:30am the next day, I was in such a good mood the entire shift.

My amazing night before had rubbed off onto the next day and that is saying something.

Just makes me realize that it's okay to miss days of work to take photos. It helps with my sanity.

On other notes- sort of. Goodtimes is FINALLY opening a women's store where Top Drawer was. They start renovating in August and should be open September 1st.

The store will be called Mint.

And I would really love nothing more than to work there. So I have planned to talk to Gus about it and see if I'm someone he may even consider hiring.

Lets see, what else.. Yusef and Juleia and the family are fasting seeing as how it is Ramadan. I haven't seen them for a while. But we are still planning on having a small Portland trip in August, the 15th-19th I think we have decided? School starts the 26th and Janna comes the 30th for a week I think.

Not to mention Blake's Birthday is the 20th.

It's going to be quite the busy next few months. OH! And obviously to tie it all back in- MAriah's wedding is the 10th.

c r a z i ne s s.

11:53pm

Short post: had my second wedding tonight. Ryan Wells mom's. I was practically doing it alone, other than the shots Winter got for herself. It went so incredibly well in my opinion. Makes me reconsider weddings all together. I'm not sure if we/I are getting paid- but it sure would be nice.. With anniversaries (mine) and birthdays coming up.

My sisters, Sam's, and my dads are all right after another in November.

I work the long shift tomorrow, so I have to get some rest- but just wanted to document my wonderful day off. I'm sure I'll post some photos- once edited. I seem to always forget how much enjoyment I get from taking pictures.

Goodnight dear blog. 

8:57pm

I just finished season one of American Horror Story. I along with many other girls I'm sure, have guiltily fallen in love with the emotion wreck, Tate. Luckily, Sam is very similar in many ways so it's almost like I'm dating a celebrity in my head.
I get to play Emma Roberts. (Seeing as how they are dating.)

Not much to note for the past few days. I spent the night with Sam at the apartment for the first time. We saw the new Superman right after a long crazy busy day at work. And I hadn't really eaten anything but 2 cupcakes and some juice at Charisse's Mary Kay Launch Party. So I was feeling pretty nauseous. Which then means I was most likely being pretty rude to Sam. We just cuddled in bed for a bit and ate some crackers and hummus, while watching Lars and the Real Girl. Which he ended up falling asleep to. We had sex.. for like 4 minutes..
He is just really sensitive and we have just come to the conclusion that we need to wear condoms. It's really just a good thing in disguise. Regardless of feeling- it's safe.

I'm working a lot and it's just sort of adding up I think.. Because for the past few days I've been feeling really weak and nauseous, etc.
No.. not pregnant signs. Just signs of needing a vacation.

The wedding with Winter is coming up this Saturday. Slightly terrified.

I'll practically be doing it all on my own. But according to her, the bride has very low expectations.

Which is comforting.

I would just feel more at ease if I had a second photographer there.

We will just see how things go. I haven't asked about money, but I sure as hell hope I get something for this. I need to save to get out of here.

Nicole is moving with Christian to SLO. Going to a community college there.

I can't deny I'm partially jealous that she is getting out of this town, but the other half of me is so glad I'm not her. In my most honest opinion- Christian and her should not be together. You brake up once.. I just get nervous after that.

If she feels she is doing what is right though.. then more power to her.

Cru and are have been talking. Just about little things. Mostly work or life goals or plans, art, etc. Which is really nice.

There will always be that physical attraction, but I love Sam. And I'm not going to mess that up. 

(Not that I had any intentions.) But you know. It's just nice to talk to an old friend about common interests again.

End note: The weather was lovely today. Nice and cloudy with a slight drizzle and some wind.

I cannot begin to explain how excited I am to wear pants tomorrow..

& with that, I must try to sleep. I clearly need my rest for yet another morning shift. (Can't complain too much..)

10:44pm

I want to know what happened to all the older Degrassi kids. The ones from the New Generation, but the first class. The ones I grew up with.

Paige: the bitch.

Spinner: the class clown.

Manny: the actress/slut.

Emma: the nerd/anorexic.

Craig: the emotional photographer.

Etc.

We all know where Jimmy, or should I say Drake .. is.

Even though his real name is Audrey or something.

But I want to know where they all are.

Yes I understand they went to college- or not. 

Got jobs- or not.

But where are they now?

Not just as the characters in the television show, but as people too.

I'm sure they are doing pretty well, considering they were all young actors/actresses.

I suppose I only ask all this, because they had always been my role models in a weird way.

Degrassi was my soap opera. It was the show that showed me how to survive severe high school scenarios. nothing that crazy ever happened at NU of course.. but I knew what to do if there were a school shooting, or a science project. How to properly lose my virginity, say yes or no to drugs, etc.

So what did they do after high school.

What am I supposed to do now?

I need guidance. I need someone to help me make the big choices I'm still not ready to make.

I need a sign.

I, as well as some other girls at work, finally got raises.

I say some- because I guess not all of us did. 

I had mentioned it to Courtney and she said that she did not.

So.. it's interesting.

I was unaware that ever happened.

Only a select few girls.

I'm not sure.

Yes- I am grateful and happy about my raise. Hopefully I can now work a bit less and still make the same amount, or even better- work the same amount and make more.

The hard part is, I'm still pretty unhappy there.

After talking to Becky about more struggles with Avery, things tonight were better.

Minus everyone crying.

Olivia had a really tough customer. Bitch of a lady. And ended up making her cry.

I felt awful for her. I mean come on.. She's bee here a few weeks. ITS JUST COFFEE?!

Then Courtney was tearing a bit because she doesn't feel as though Holly is being very nice to her.

I'm not sure. I'm just grateful that I don't have to deal with all that drama, considering she is dating Andrew. And she fully plans on marrying Andrew. So Holly will then become her family..

Non of which sounds entirely wonderful.

But I must admit, as I was walking to my car with Courtney, I was venting. And my eyes had swelled a tad too. I'm just figuring out what to do. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells at this point. Holly gave me the assignment to "thank Avery for one thing every day."

Fuck that. (Although I still did it..)

I shouldn't have to do all I can o please Avery. We are all sensitive here. She plays this "I'm a hardass" type but then has to be babied? Get out of the fucking coffee shop if you can't handle the steam.

If Courtney leaves, and Vaughn and Kim are in August/July.. who and what is next? More hiring? More training?

It's hell.

It's pressure and not easy all the time.

So what do I do?

At this point I have to keep working and putting money away for Portland.

Otherwise I will forever be broke, unhappy, and who knows what else.

I used to make just enough for them to keep me. Now I make 50¢ more and that isn't enough but again, just more cement in my shoes.

Perhaps I'm just over-thinking it all. There are good days. I can't deny that. But I guess the bad days or days in that realm are more plentiful then that of the other variety.

I don't like Holly's parenting. She treats her 6 and 8 year old more like adults then she does with her employees. She reminds me of how my dad used to treat me. He would expect the physical and mental maturity/responsibility of a 30 year old, but would treat me like I'm 6.

It's only in some cases though.

How Khrista stayed for 5 years and never seemed sad to be there is beyond me.. I truly do not understand..

Oh well. Like I said. I must be letting it all get to me. Letting it all add up and then I hold it all in until I explode. That is why I blog. To get some sort of something out of me so that I don't just explode.

I need a vacation. Something. Something to get me back into my old happy state of mind.

I just got back from our annual camping trip at Rollins with Aunt Penny and everybody. I could only stay for 3 days and 2 nights due to work, but really that was plenty of time.

It's always wonderful to see my aunt and family as well as family friends.. but this year it may have just been me, but I was at least at first- getting a different vibe.

I even told my aunt that. As well as Blake. Both of which said they had felt it too.

I assumed it was my nose ring, and tattoo. But it was more then that I think.

It was the twins and everyone else.

I hadn't gone in 2 years. And it's amazing how much someone can grow or change in that amount of time. I guess I should look in the mirror when I say that. I mean, I have straight teeth and a tattoo now. But I'm still the same person I think. As well as everyone else I guess.

But we all look a bit different.

My aunt felt bad since Blake and I had left early. She felt it was her fault. Felt that she wasn't entertaining us properly. Which wasn't the case at all. 

You have two 2 year old twins. What are we supposed to expect? for you to sprout a few more arms and become Octo-mom? Of course not.

We were plenty entertained. Just had to work.

Charisse's first Mary Kay party is tomorrow morning. Should be fun.

Hopefully I can get some time off for 4th of July. So that will be a bit of a vacation. 

Florida is next month.

(And so many weddings are happening soon.. yikes..)

Portland is scheduled for August 14th-19th.

School starts the 26th or something..

And then Janna comes around that week too.

It's not much of a summer break when I'm working like a dog and have so much stuff happening.

I'm not entirely complaining though. Just about the hard parts..

Alright, well.. now that quite a bit has been said, I feel somewhat better.

We shall see how long that lasts.

I have a long day ahead of me.. I need some beauty sleep.

Goodnight sweet blog. Sweet dreams.

12:33pm

Yesterday I had a really nice talk with my older sister Charisse. She is now a Mary Kay representative and I'm going to be her model.
We talked quite a bit about Sam and such and I had told her that we had sex. For me it was pretty nonchalant. I'm not ashamed or wanting to hide it at all. Even if my dad asked me I'd tell him honestly.
Even though I'm almost positive he already has an idea that we have been sexually active.

My sister is truly my best friend. I feel so at ease talking to her and telling her just about anything. She is there to answer my questions if I have any- now regarding sex and birth control.
We may even go look for a doctor for me and get ready for PAP Smears and other birth control options. Just part of the whole growing up thing. Three cheers for womanhood..

I'm quite excited to be getting tons of free makeup on Monday, and Sunday-Wednesday I'll be camping with my Aunt Penny and family. I haven't gone in a few years so I'm excited to finally have some time off work to spend with the parts of family that I  haven't seen for a while.

Sam works all those days so he will hopefully be able to come down before then or something.

I can tell he is kinda sad and gets the feeling we haven't seen each other in a while.

I know it hasn't been too long, but the days between when we don't se each other are long and seem like quite sometime. It just shows me that he really does miss me and enjoy my company.

After a few days of not seeing each other, I can tell he is sort of moody and almost bitter. Just from missing me and kind of getting the feeling that I'm not making the effort to see him. So I'll cuddle with him and give him back rubs and just touch him a lot- because I think thats the way I show my affecting for him. And then things go back to being normal and better. He gets happy and loving and the sadness or bitterness goes right away.

8:48pm

Oh dear blog.. the mood I am in. (A good one for a change!) Although today was in incredibly non-productive day. It being my day off, I normally tend to try and accomplish thing I normally would not be able to on a day that I had to work. Today on the other hand was not one of those days. I had laid in bed watching Whats Eating Gilbert Grape- which I loved. And then proceeded to cuddle with Scout for the majority of the morning.

Sam came over around noon, and then napped for the main time he was here.

Yes, I'm happy for his new independence for his dads house. (Which wasn't all that bad)

But being at the apartment with Danielle and Holly isn't exactly great for his already outrageous sleeping patterns. I told him that tonight he should try to actually sleep at a normal hour. He then promised he would. 

We almost showered together today. But I chickened out. The nice thing is, we have many more chances to come.

Today is the eleventh. Meaning that two days ago was our Five Month.

He was officially my longest relationship three months ago.

And I can't really document enough, how happy I truly am.

I know at the rate I'm posting (not often) I probably say it in each one somehow. I'll sneak it in one way or another.

Yusef and Juleia are now my best friends. Which is saying something.

They now are no longer in their place on Rough and Ready, but in a trailer much like the one my dad just purchased, but many years older. I had no idea how they would do it with Sifadine but they always seem to be happy in the long run.

I think I help Juleia in that sense. She, like myself, doesn't have many friends. Being a 20 year old Islamic mom.. I sadly see why.

So when she and Yusef may be in a bit of a tiff, we can hang out. We don't even have to talk about it.

I told them my life story basically a week or so ago. We ended up talking about religion and parents and money and moving and everything.

I respect them as people. More than most.

Before I forget, on May 28th a very amazing thing happened.

My braces were forever removed!

Yes I still have an adorable retainer.. 

But all my over thinking and worrying was put to rest around 9:00am that morning.

Sam and a few other say that they still miss my braces sometimes- and you  know I'll admit, something I had for two+ years, you can get oddly attached to.

But I am quite pleased with how they turned out. As miserable of an experience it was with my Orthodontist, Dr. Law -and I would recommend to go anywhere else- he did his job without having to pull teeth. And I'm very grateful for that.

As I had mentioned before, Yusef and Juleia are currently living in the trailer on Yusef's parents property. They had to move because they had a baby I do believe. But I suppose that makes sense. They are doing just fie where they are at now anyways. What their plan is, is to save money while living in the trailer in order to move to Portland. And Yusef's plan is to move as early as this December. Sam is planning on going with them. And they all would like for me to go along with them. And I have agreed I would like nothing more than a change of scenery.

There are just a few kinks in that whole plan..

1. I am signed up for Fall classes. I believe that starts August 26th.
2. I haven't told my dad about this idea.
3. We are in the process of putting our house on the market and moving.
4. I'm terrified of drastic change.

The biggest being school and my dad of course.

I can't do what Danny did, and just drop all my classes and quit my job to focus on music- or in this case move away from everything I know.

I'm so excited for this semester too, I'm finally taking a sign language class.

As well as Science and I'm still wait listed for English.

If they do end up moving in December, I wont be able to go that soon. School ends December 14th or 15th. I'm not moving before Christmas. I wont make myself go through that.

But now that I think of it, if I do plan all this out and talk to my dad long before hand to get him on my side for this, Christmas would be a great time for me to tell the family of my plan.

Enough of the stress and excitement.

The whole reason I have become so inspired to write this evening is due to  The Clothes Horse.

I have watched her stop motion videos and read her insight on fashion. She is just now the second blog that had made me want to do something with my life that makes me happy.

No matter what I decide to do, blogging will be involved. 

And all today the only thing I can think of is Juleia and myself working on things like those.

Creating a blog and documenting our move.

The struggles, the adventure, and the love.

Not to sound like hippies- but we all could do it.

I tell myself, along with everyone else- that I want to do this. 

"There just can't be any wading in the water with life.

I have to just leap in. 

Otherwise I won't do it."-Me.

It's getting late, and of course I work the long shift tomorrow.. But I'll keep you posted on all life's happenings.

I mean, isn't that why I created this in the first place?

I'm taking more photos with my Nikon. I'm proud of myself. These are my friends.

8:44pm

Well, I managed to not cry- and survive the rest of the shift.
But it wasn't easy. Just tried not to dwell on my life and whatever.
Sam surprised me and stayed for a bit. It was nice- but I wasn't able to kiss him or hug him goodbye.

Corrie really is sick. She now has mono. So I get to cover her Sunday shift (I was supposed to have it off) and hopefully no other days. She literally has a week to get better.

Salima was interviewed today. I hope she gets hired, she is so sweet and would fit in so well.

I signed up for Hulu+ today. Not as great as I was expecting since I wanted the first season of all these shows that are now onto their second. And so they think everyone is up to date......which I'm not.

Oh well.

I think I''m going to  take a much needed shower and possibly paint my nails.

I saw a video of these guys painting a sweet girl on a windmill and things like that tend to inspire me.

So I decided I want to paint and probably take some pictures this summer.

I need some free time and creativity in my life.

I need a break and some me time.

I'm glad I'm blogging more. I hope that this continues.

I forget how much it helps.

I got a mustard scarf yesterday before Big Dave's memorial. I wore it today.

His memorial was actually a really nice turn out and was more emotional than I had thought. I had even said something and I ended up crying.

I didn't think I was going to. But once Becky did I welled up a bit. It wasn't until Trace said his last memory that I had let go and cried. Since he did too.

"Trace, why are you so nice to me?"

"Because we are friends Dave."

"We are friends aren't we.."

"Yeah Dave."

 "It's nice that we are friends huh?"

"Yeah Dave..it is."

12:33pm

I'm just plain exhausted. Summer break is officially here and how do I spend my first day? Covering a longer shift for fucking Corrie. Who may or may not be sick in my opinion.
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm taking summer classes, are you insane? I'm dying here. My body can barely keep up with where I'm at.

I'm not sure how to tell my bosses that I'm overworked and underpaid. I just feel like that they will end up having to find out the hard way. I'll just end up passing out on the floor during a big rush because my body will have finally just given up on me.

One of the only reasons I said yes to this shift was because I have to continue proving to everyone that I can do my job. That I am worthy of being here, I am a good supervisor. Since someone must have been bothered by me a while back and kept it bottled up- I must have done something recently that upset them and so Becky pulled me into the office yet again. We talked about it all and I thought it went well and I had proved myself and everything.. but I can't keep having to do this. I don't want to have to keep proving to everyone that I'm a good worker. I'm working myself to death- if I try any harder I won't be here.

Moving away just sounds so nice. Starting something new. I'd miss my dad and brother and family so much I'm sure. But I need a change of scenery. 

I'm writing this all on my lunch break, and I'm getting fed up and borderline upset. So I should probably stop. But I really needed to get some stuff out. This way I hope to not cry during the closing shift.

Should be, could be. Me.