9:46pm

Almost 2 hours left of this year. 2011. Still weighing the pros and cons of the year to see what it was exactly. I feel like for the most part it was shit. But I met quite a few new people that I hope to be a part of my life for many years to come, but we will just have to see how that goes.

Anyways.. Idk. I'm at my dads friends house. They are having their annual party and this one fucking sucks asshole. I'm -of course- the only young person here. And the few adults that are here, are leaving. Do you know what day it is? Like seriously?

I wish I was anywhere else. Especially with Siege. ):

......the drunk adults are making bombs right meow.... oh dear...
I feel like I should stop them or something, but that would mean me getting up.
I'm so lazy I gross myself out.
Meh.

I wish my dads friend at least had wifi..
FML, and the last few hours I get to remember of this day.

No new years kiss, yet again.
Loooooooove this holiday.

9:11pm

Took Krisanna home a few hours ago. Yesterday was nice. She and I went to the movies with Siege and his friend Andrew. Not like a double date or anything, just 4 people eager to see The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Which ended up being a fucking amazing movie. Rape scenes and all....
It was heavy, but certainly worth viewing. Almost 3 hours of pure rush.

But enough about the movie, we may come back to that.

I was very eager to see him and of course, the expected happened.
It's hard to be mad or get upset at (what I guess is..) your best friend. That title is a fucking joke. I just keep getting dropped on my face by each and every "best friend" I've ever had. Most of which all happened in the past 2 years. Which also is a joke.
Some times I wonder if it's me, if I'm doing something wrong?
But then I remember, I like who I am. I like that I don't drink or smoke or have sex. All the things I haven't done make me who I am.

I'm drifting....anyways I could see the way he looked at her. Talked at her. Yes, at. Bragged just like he did the first time we met.. It just sucks that she is so beautiful. Every fucking guy.. I throw myself at these people and her awkwardness just makes them swoon. So what am I supposed to do? What the fuck do you want from me?

I love her like a sister, but I feel like I can't bring her anywhere with me. Not If I'm going to see the person whom I fancy..

She could see it. She knew what was happening. Because she said she felt bad. I think she just meant the hug goodbye, but I just didn't think about any of it. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. I just wanted him to act the way he did the first or third time we were together.
But of course, from the moment I invited her, in knew what I was getting myself into..
Just fucking sucks so bad that that is the way my friendship works.

Even before we were friends I would see her and just admire her beauty. I knew it ever since last year before we became friends that she could win over the hearts of any by passer, because she'd done the exact thing to me.
Now here we are, me calling her my "best friend" and ALMOST regretting the moment I had ever laid eyes on her.
Though, had I known she would become close to me and yet also win over the hearts of each guy I would grow to fancy, I still would let it happen. Because I love her. She is practically family. But I won't stop saying just how hard it is for me.

I get so technical in my thinking about it. Is it my teeth/braces, the shape of my face, my hair colour, my eye colour, my body, my height, my legs, my ankles, my cheeks, my clothes, my voice, my laugh, my personality....me?
What about me isn't good enough. What part of me do I need to change?
I just wish I had answers.

You hear all the time, "Oh women, they are horrible. They always go for the jerks, or the cool guys.. Once you have them you never know what they want."

Well here's to you gentlemen..

YOU ARE JUSTS THE SAME IF NOT EVEN WORSE.
We women change everything for you. We put shit on our faces to make you look at us and maybe just smile? We do so much for so little of you.

I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm not beautiful or drop dead gorgeous either. But I'm not ugly. I've tried so damn hard for too damn long for what? For my "best friend" to go and be just "awkward" enough to win them over. Or sometimes all it takes is a picture, that I have taken.. She doesn't have to do SHIT. And they beg for her.
For me it's the total reversal. And I just don't know what to do anymore.

So I'm done. I'm done for the night. I can type no more without getting myself overworked. So that's all. All I have to say about that.

Tomorrow is December 31st. New Years Eve.
I want 2012 to be the start of a better life for me. (and I'm sure I said that about 2011.) (which turned to shit.)
But I'm going to make sure this is different. This will be my year. I'll make sure of it. Somehow..

2:50am

It's one of those nights where I wake up randomly, check my phone, (yeah I did this before I got an iPhone.)see that the tv is still on, reply to notifications if I have any, so it shows up at 3 in the morning and everyone can think I'm appropriately crazy.

Law & Order is on.
My hair is still cold and damp from my shower.
My sheets smell like work.. Gross.
Tomorrow today, should be nice. Think I heard chance of rain? Hmm.
I should go back to bed.
*yawnnnn*

11:47am

Yeahhhhhh so I look like a boy today. No big deal. Supes comfy.

Gonna hang with Krisanji today at Mekka perhaps than head off to work.
Pretty solid day, meh.

Shitty post.
My puppy snoozing away. And da cutest person on da planet.

10:08pm

Swell day. Tired though. Same thing planned for tomorrow, hope Krisanna can spend the night.

I wonder if I'll get fined for my library books. It's break.. Mmmm. /:

I still need to wash my face. I feel gross.

I miss you. I hope to hear from you soon.

Shit son, I need to get on top of the things I say I'll do. Meh.

Until next time.

8:22am

You know what bothers me? In movies, or tv shows for that matter, there are scenes where lets say.. Someone looks out their window. Sees a party or some sort of gathering of people across the street. That person decides they are going to invite themselves over, so the very next scene you see is them all dressed and ready finger pressing the doorbell.
Now I know what you're thinking, what's the issue?
Well it's the little things that no one thinks about.
How long did it take them to get ready? Did they shower, dry and then redo their hair? No shower and just grab an outfit? There is so much left to the unknown and I guess that's what's bothers me.
They could have been shooting up heroin in some of that time and we would never know..
See these are the things that run through my head.
Felt like the future me might want to remember thoughts like that.

I better get ready for work soon..
Hot shower here I come. If I can manage to get out of bed into the icy cold air that circulates this house.

10:29pm

"Be it as it may, you know who she is and what she's about, you have something that some people are always searching for." -my Aunt Penny talking about my relationship with my mom. And she is completely correct..
At least I know my mom. For the most part, I know she is a liar and such.. But I know her. I know what she is about and that she is not a good influence on me. Some kids don't have that. Kids that are adopted, that search for their parents.. They could be barking up the wrong tree and not even know it. So I suppose I'm lucky in that sense. But I know that I could never live with her or anything like that.
But not something to dwell on tonight.
She sent me a text message tonight, and I finally had the balls to reply, and I get nothing in return. Well..
Ball is in your court mom.
Merry Christmas all.

8:15pm

"Twas the night before Christmas..."

..And my dad was sleeping (and snoring quite a bit)
..Blake was crashed as well
..Dog the Bounty Hunter was playing not too far off in the background
..I was blogging and looking up piercings
..Scout was asleep at my feet

and the hours were passing slower than ever.

I need to wash my face,

put my pj's on.

Get a few hours of sleep

'cause you know,

the big fat guy knows I'm still up.

I wish I could take a shower but I don't want to risk waking up my dad.

He will just have to wake up in a bit and set out more gifts.

I better skip it, and just save it for the morning.

I think showers are my favourite.

Yeah.. they really are.

I'm not sure the last time I had a bath?

I want a claw foot bath tub.

I remember my mom used to tell me how she wanted one a long time ago.

Oh mom..

this ones for you.

I have dozens of other photos that a typical hipster girl would post, but I have to pee so we will have to wait  till another day.

Merry Christmas Eve, future me reading this.

9:15pm

Okay.. this is the last time I'm going to listen to it. That song. It's been on repeat all day. This is the last time and then I'm getting in the shower.

I wish more bands did that, made videos with body paint.

Ugh, I'm really warm.

I don't want to work tomorrow. Or ever.

Especially the day after Christmas.

What the fuck is that??

Who really needs to get coffee or anything we offer on the 26th of December.

Fucking bullshit.

So much for whatever my aunt had planned..

):

Which knowing her, would have been indoor skydiving or something to that effect again.

Meh. Songs over.

10:18am

See, this is exactly why I shouldn't have told anyone about this. Now it's not for me. It's not just for me to get everything out. I guess I forget that I'm not the only one that can read.
Oh well.
I suppose it's for the best. Who knows where anything can go. But whatever, you can just come here and read all about it now can't you?

I redyed my hair today. No more roots.

Get to go to work.

Oh joy.

Thanks for the new band though, rather enjoyed that.

3 more days.

P.S.

Had a dream last night? Maybe a few nights ago.. mom and grandma hung themselves at grandma's house out on that platform outside of the deck. It was less than beautiful to see.

I just hope that none of these 'dreams' become premonitions..

1:41pm

Same day, another post.

Just do yourself a favour and click.

You just died, didn't you..

10:07am

I somehow accidentally deleted almost all the pictures saved on my computer. YEARS worth of images. Including almost everything taken with my DSLR. I could cry if I thought about it too much, but I know they have to be here somewhere. They can't just be completely gone.. I don't have that kind of control on this machine.

Fuck computers.

4 more days.

Spending the day with my sister.

And ending the day with a pedicure.

<3

She loves me..

I think Scout likes Christmas time. She is watching me put up ornaments and chasing her tail and such.

She is adorable and I really do love her.

Not quite sure what I'd do without her. /:

But lets not think about that.

I want tattoos so badly.

Meh.

I'll have to bring that up today with Charisse.

See if she has thought much more of it.

Hmmm..

Feel like I need to start wearing more of these.

I want to look into extensions as well. My hair needs to be trimmed yet I want to keep the length.. so clearly it seems that that may be the only solution.

I'll look into that today as well.

Although they are quite expensive.

I need to redye my hair too. So much for going red..

One day I'll figure all this shit out, right?

Ha.. not likely.

Well, as the great Michael Buble puts it..

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

Well, it will if I get off and finish decorating!

<3

10:51pm

There is but 5 days until Christmas, and 4 until Christmas Eve. Obviously..

Work is starting to get shitty. Like, the people. I'm starting to

get more and more

....whats the right word....

impatient?

pissed off?

fed up with?

then again maybe its just me.

My sleep patterns are

F

U

C

K

E

D

.

But I'm over it. Because I'm trying to do the things that make me happy.

I'm still crossing my fingers.

I did quite a bit of shopping today. Finished for Blake, Chase, Krisanna, Amber, my sister (sort of), Grandparents, Aunt Penny and her family.

Which really sums up everyone that matters.

I still need to get something for dad though. Then Ill be done.

Well, it's just about 11:30, and I better get some sleep.

Until next time.

(Which will most likely be tomorrow.)




P.S.
this is my 69th post..........
lolololololololol

8:28pm

Grades.. Just as I thought.

Click for larger image.

Sooo, I guess I'm chill with that. What I had expected. Looks like I'll be taking it easier next semester.
2 photo classes and Mathematics yet again. But it's okay. Hopefully I can get that professor again.
She was nice.

11:31am

Things are going well, I met someone new. We've been hanging out.
Don't want to get too into it and jinx anything. I'm hoping this is the start to something good.

It sure as hell feels like it.

9:18pm

Where do I even begin..
This night is shit.
My brother is scum, and I told him that.

I'm not sure if I can tell you how many times he called me a bitch.

My dad gets mad at me for crying since he can't understand my head and thinks I'm still upset from a pathetic thing that happened tonight. Not the case at all. I have so much going on in my head it's unreal. So let me fucking cry. Let me be upset. Don't turn it all around and make it about you. You don't get to yell at me and have me yell back at you and try to explain just how much I want the conversation to be over then leave with tears in your eyes telling me how it's harder for you around Christmas time because you are a single parent, don't fucking make it about you. Don't make yourself feel better by making me feel worse.

Don't you fucking dare do what mom does.

I know that's not your goal. I know that, but you're doing it.

I yelled back at you tonight. And that felt nice. But it shouldn't have to come to that.

I shouldn't be so upset about everything but I am, and I don't want to keep blaming it on the holidays but I do so I get mad at myself for that because I hate blaming shit on other people or things. I hate not being able to explain to someone whats wrong with me because I can't even understand it myself.

Just let me be the 18 year old girl and cry when I need to. Let me breakdown and hate the world and everyone in it for a few hours. Let me blog my heart away to at least find refuge in something for a little while. Distract myself from the tears currently streaming down my cheeks.

No, it's not about having to leave Victorian Christmas early because you were fucking stupid and for not wearing a jacket. You told me that you would be fine. So there is problem number 1. Not mine, yours. Then after Charisse leaves and I want to walk around with friends but you want to leave because your cold? No you don't even get to pull that fucking card. But go ahead and call dad and complain about how awful I am. How horrible I am for bringing you along, for the free rides anywhere, for being the horrible big sister I am, for not wanting to just give in to your every desire. No, the world does not revolve around you, nor does it me. But is it too much to ask for you to walk around for another hour with my friends and I? When we would have gone into a warm building anyways? Is it really that hard for you?

To give me one night to be happy, to do something with friends I never see? When for what seems like months I have been nothing but upset and angry and unhappy. Tonight could have possibly been the start to the uphill in my mood, but we will never know because I had to leave early. I had to make you happy. I got to come home and watch myself fall to pieces as I washed my face. I got to hold myself up by the sink faucet so I wouldn't fall to the floor in all my ballistics. I got to put my hands over my face and turn the sink up high to drown out my sobs, all to make you happy because you were cold.

So forgive me if I second guess doing anything for you.

Blake.

You take me for granted. I can't even begin to explain how much you do. I will go out of my way and wake up hours before I need to so you don't have to deal with the hell that is the school bus. Even though I had to for 3 years.

You don't even fucking understand just how god damned lucky you are. You are fucking 14 years old. Did I have a cell phone at the age you got one? No. Did I have an ipod? No. We got all these things at the same time, but I technically had to wait 4 years. 4 mother fucking years to be where you are at now. Do me a favor and look at what you have. Look at your life and tell me just what there is to complain about.

Yeah they divorced when you were 2. You hadn't the slightest fucking idea what was going on. I was 6, and I did. You wouldn't have wanted to know her anyways. She isn't in our lives now, why even start back then. If anything, you lucked out.

Dad.

It's not about you and having hard times being the single parent. It's that and so much more. It's about

1. me
2. being a girl and having emotions
3. being raised by only one parent
4. being the only girl in the house
5. not having that mother figure but still having to be one for blake
6. being the mom and the sister
7. being treated like a child but expecting the maturity of an adult
8. boys
9. being lonely
10. school/grades
11. friends
12. appearance
13. judgement
14. scout
15. blake
16. you
17. mom
18. my head
19. my emotions
20. responsibilities
21. expectations

and that's only 21 things that I have to constantly be thinking about. So forgive me if I hold back most of that, then having nights like tonight here I explode and dissolve into a pile of unhappy for a bit.

Don't ever get upset at me for crying. That is like getting mad at a clock for ticking. You're barking up the wrong tree. Just let me scream and shout and yell and cry uncontrollably till I'm minutes away from throwing up. Just accept the only excuse I have to offer,

I'm unhappy.

....................because it's the easiest reason you can understand.

....................The only reason I can put into words..

3:02pm

And that is just what I'll do.

11:36am

I'm sorry. I apologize for my outbursts.

I've been sketching all morning.

How are you?

I think I'm going to take a shower, and get ready for the day.

Possibly take some pictures?

We'll see.

I need some Christmas carols in my life. Just some music.

Tune out the silence and laziness that is this day.

I don't want to work tomorrow.

These 2 days are nice.

That is all.

8:31pm

I need to write. I need to fucking get every god damned word out of my mother fucking head. GAH.
I'm in the worst mood ever. I'm just so upset and angry and pissed off.
Never again will I take a picture of Krisanna. I've now had 2 guys that I have had feelings for randomly text me and ask who she is and all this shit. Yeah I took a damn fine picture, of a fucking beautiful girl. Lets focus on the quality of the image or anything else. DON'T FUCKING GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO TELL ME SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND YOU WANT TO TAKE HER OUT TO DINNER OR DATE HER. I DON'T GIVE A RATS MOTHER FUCKING ASS HOW DRUNK OR SOBER YOU ARE. I PROBABLY MADE IT SO FUCKING CLEAR THAT I HAD FEELINGS FOR YOU. AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME THAT YOU LIKE MY BEST FRIEND?

Yeah that would happen to me. ESPECIALLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS. Just to make matters worse.
Why can't I lower my standards or settle and have someone and be somewhat happy? Because I'm not that girl. I know what or who I'd want but can I have it? Not completely. No fucking way.
What I get is a tease at love. (Even though love is not real. It doesn't exist.)
I will get so close to being with you. We will kiss, and I wouldn't think about how you haven't broken up with her yet. You said you were going to tomorrow anyways.. which is really today since it's 3am and I'm just getting home. And then almost a week later it still says you are in a fucking relationship. So now I don't know if it's just you waiting and not making a big deal out of it or if you really are still together. What do I do in the mean time? What the hell do you expect me to think?
So I'm going to stop torturing myself with all of it. With you and her and my best friend. Who ever that is (because there really isn't one.) So this is me losing control and deactivating my facebook for a while.
I'm just done. So done I'm hardly even here..

3:36pm

Picture dominating post... just saying. <3

I fucking want red hair.



New dress and cardigan.

Collarbones... yum..

Yeah.......... I just posted that.

Only reason I would start smoking is to take photos like this.

Think I secretly want this.

I do shit like this.

7:51am

• Went shopping at the mall after work with Khrista.
• -plan was to get Christmas gifts for my family.
• DID NOT happen.

I definitely purchased

1. a new floral dress, and cardigan. From H&M bitchessssss
2. a beanie and knee high socks to go with my dress.
3. more new shoes
4. lingerie..... :|
5. new tunnels made of a jelly substance, supes comfy.

and I'm pretty sure that's it. It doesn't sound like a lot but my feet and bag beg to differ.

I have 2 days off work so I'm going to clean my room and refresh my life for a bit.

Put up my Christmas tree- single handed.

My roots are growing out, need to dye my hurr. Meh.



8:51pm

Good night kiss.

I have a secret.

And must tell someone.

I had the best night in a long time.
A real long time.

You kept me warm,

My legs between yours.

My eyes on yours. Your blue eyes.
My velvet pants.

Your hands on my legs.

Whispering me nothings.
I was so comfortable. I could have fallen asleep and stayed

forever.

But I had to go home, at 2:30am. And all I can think about is you.

I almost feel sick I am thinking about you so much.

I know it was wrong, a little. But I like you so much I don't care.

If you're happy I'm happy.

HAHAHAHA I think your ex blocked me.

Cause I was gonna creep, and she was unsearchable.



I wish I didn't feel sick. I really should stop thinking.

Lets stay in bed more often.

6:09pm

Roberto: You are simply my favourite.

I'm currently creeping on a pregnant girl's Facebook. Yeahhhhh...

I'm freezing and I might go see an employee showing of Like Crazy tonight.

Today was the last day of the semester, and it was pretty nice.

I want to write so much but I can't really. I'm too cold.

I burnt my pinky on my flat iron today. Still hurts like a bitch.

I need to put my Christmas tree up. Poop.

Jacob: I understand the mirror thing.

12:52am

I don't bring up my personal life, not because I'm not comfortable with saying it, but because I don't want to burden and overwhelm the listener.

8:39pm

Current conversation I'm having.:

Myself: God I can't stand people. Any of them. Fuck em. Fuck em all. I'm done with everyone. No one can be happy or real or true. I don't feel like talking ever again. I just want to do my own thing. Try to live and not be mad or angry or happy or feel anything at all. And be mute. Talking is what makes humans fuckers. Fucking can't stand anymore of this so-called life bullshit. I'm ready to leave everyone here and never come back.

Myself: But it's so much more than that ____... It's not just about getting away. It's about everyone and the question of whether or not people change and if they ever could change? Everyone is the same everywhere. Nowhere is different. It's all a circle and a cycle and sooner or later you are back at the beginning.

Yes, I realize I didn't put what the other person said. And that is just a bummer. It's not even worth typing. They don't understand anything I'm really trying to express. They are making it about them and I can't handle other peoples problems let lone mine.

If the end of every semester if going to be like this then give me the noose now.

This is not worth a better job, car, lifestyle.

Who needs any of that?

What was wrong with bread being a quarter and gas being a dollar?

Who decided that any of that needed to change?

That anything ever needs to change?

Who the fuck says or decides this?

Fuck you whoever you are.



11:19am

3 cheers for morning posts!

I'm wearing knee-high socks today. Can't get much better than that.

Selenium toning on my dear coworker Ruth.

I'm procrastinating till work.

I would like either some:

1. Hot apple cider
2. Eggnog/Eggnog latte
3. Peppermint tea/some sort of tea,

-But preferably Peppermint. With honey and sugar of course.

(clearly I'm cold.)

My chest has goosebumps.

-------------------------------------------------

You know she told me yesterday after you came back and finished your job that you are in love with her.

I wonder how long you've known her, or how you met.

I suppose that's not important anymore though right?

I mean she said it, the L word.

That's intense. But hey,

I'll leave you alone now.

I'll let you be happy.

I missed my chance and that's cool.

My bad. Oh well, you never know what happens in this life.

I wish you well. I'll just hang outside in the am.

Let you be and do your job.

But just do me a solid,

Keep singin'.



I'm a few days late, but

Be good to me..

 

10:43pm

It's getting late. I just made another blog. Not quite sure what I'm doing with it.
But hey, that's what I said abut this one right? And Look how far I've come. Over 50 posts..

I'm on a freaking role.

School on the other hand is another story..

I'm getting sick and tired of myself. Mentioning and complaining about school.

It's awful.

At least break is coming up so you (who I guess is really me, talking to my future self?) won't have to deal with reading all about that crap for about 2 months. Woo Hoo!

But you and I, (so me and myself?) know that I'll most likely be working the whole time. Rather than enjoying my free time the way I may want to have spent it.

So I suppose it is a very good thing I enjoy my job for the most part.

I'm noticing just how shady the people I work with all are.

• throw each other under the bus, rather than take the blame.
• talk shit.
• are lazy.
• etc..

 It's is honestly horrible. Within about a month I started to realize some girls do that and I was honestly astounded. I had come into Caroline's before I was hired and saw from afar just how sweet and nice etc all of the girls seemed. Now I am behind the "counter", if you will, and see that they are just putting on quite the act for the customers. I guess the pedestal I had put them on was just not real.

I'm just seeing the truth now and wondering how much more will change.

Don't get me wrong, I love my girls immensely but I'm seeing another side I just was oblivious to think existed.

I work tomorrow.

I've been working so much. Which is good seeing as how it is almost Christmas. I need to save up enough money to try and buy everyone in my family a gift. (I have a big family..)

and just got my most recent paycheck and it was the biggest so far.

Can't complain about that!

Well, look at me go.. All this text and no pictures? What's one of my posts without a picture?

Innnnncooooommmiiiinnnggggg

This is supposed to be the singer of Bon Iver I believe.

And these are clearly Bon Iver lyrics..
'come on skinny love just let it sink in..oh my my, oh my my'

This has nothing to do with Bon Iver, but is beautiful.

I have so much to do within the next 2-3 days. All of which need to be done in between work, a birthday party, and more. Just wish me luck, okay?

I need rest.. I'll try to post soon.

G'night.

9:20pm

Someone stop me. Stop me from continuing on in writing this post. Because it's just distracting me from what  should really be doing.
I'll write later. Fuck.