8:44pm

Well, I managed to not cry- and survive the rest of the shift.
But it wasn't easy. Just tried not to dwell on my life and whatever.
Sam surprised me and stayed for a bit. It was nice- but I wasn't able to kiss him or hug him goodbye.

Corrie really is sick. She now has mono. So I get to cover her Sunday shift (I was supposed to have it off) and hopefully no other days. She literally has a week to get better.

Salima was interviewed today. I hope she gets hired, she is so sweet and would fit in so well.

I signed up for Hulu+ today. Not as great as I was expecting since I wanted the first season of all these shows that are now onto their second. And so they think everyone is up to date......which I'm not.

Oh well.

I think I''m going to  take a much needed shower and possibly paint my nails.

I saw a video of these guys painting a sweet girl on a windmill and things like that tend to inspire me.

So I decided I want to paint and probably take some pictures this summer.

I need some free time and creativity in my life.

I need a break and some me time.

I'm glad I'm blogging more. I hope that this continues.

I forget how much it helps.

I got a mustard scarf yesterday before Big Dave's memorial. I wore it today.

His memorial was actually a really nice turn out and was more emotional than I had thought. I had even said something and I ended up crying.

I didn't think I was going to. But once Becky did I welled up a bit. It wasn't until Trace said his last memory that I had let go and cried. Since he did too.

"Trace, why are you so nice to me?"

"Because we are friends Dave."

"We are friends aren't we.."

"Yeah Dave."

 "It's nice that we are friends huh?"

"Yeah Dave..it is."

12:33pm

I'm just plain exhausted. Summer break is officially here and how do I spend my first day? Covering a longer shift for fucking Corrie. Who may or may not be sick in my opinion.
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm taking summer classes, are you insane? I'm dying here. My body can barely keep up with where I'm at.

I'm not sure how to tell my bosses that I'm overworked and underpaid. I just feel like that they will end up having to find out the hard way. I'll just end up passing out on the floor during a big rush because my body will have finally just given up on me.

One of the only reasons I said yes to this shift was because I have to continue proving to everyone that I can do my job. That I am worthy of being here, I am a good supervisor. Since someone must have been bothered by me a while back and kept it bottled up- I must have done something recently that upset them and so Becky pulled me into the office yet again. We talked about it all and I thought it went well and I had proved myself and everything.. but I can't keep having to do this. I don't want to have to keep proving to everyone that I'm a good worker. I'm working myself to death- if I try any harder I won't be here.

Moving away just sounds so nice. Starting something new. I'd miss my dad and brother and family so much I'm sure. But I need a change of scenery. 

I'm writing this all on my lunch break, and I'm getting fed up and borderline upset. So I should probably stop. But I really needed to get some stuff out. This way I hope to not cry during the closing shift.

Should be, could be. Me.

9:23pm

Today was my one day off of the week. It was really laid back. I did a bit of homework while Sam just laid in my bed and watched TV. That is the kind of relationship I want to be in. I'm so content happy where we are. Every once in a while I would take a break from my typing and crawl over with him. We would just lay there so close it was as if we were one person. I could just dig my face in his back and close my eyes, and feel so safe.

We have said I love you, and I truly mean it.

I honestly feel this is what true love feels like..

I understand I am still so young, and there are times when I don't enjoy everything he does. But that's part of a relationship. We haven't exactly had a fight in the 4 months that we have been together, but we have nothing to disagree upon?

I'm getting better about making decisions thanks to him. He forces me to make one rather than leave it up to him to make them all.

I feel as though he wants the best for me. He calls me smart, although I still have trouble believing it.

Jillian had surprised us in the library after our class on Thursday, and we had a great conversation.

I always enjoy seeing//talking to her.

Although she is so her own person, and as much as I do love her,

sometimes I feel so lost after talking to her. Just like as I walk away from her, its as though I am

stepping back onto the planet after months.

I really have to come back to the real world.

It's an indescribable feeling and I'm still trying to  figure out if I enjoy it or not.

In the mean time, while she is going to school again and trying to save gas and money, I hope she does try to work at Carolines again. Salima applied as well. And it would be very nice to work with her. At this point I really just need to surround myself with people I can handle working with often to prevent me from quitting.

Obviously I wouldn't quit until I had another job waiting for me.

I think it's just the fact that I'm being overworked, and underpaid  that it's just had to go to this endless routine. I need some variety.

School is coming to an end at such a perfect time. Which it usually seems to do. Comes and goes quite nicely.

I was finally able to sign up for classes the other day. I am on a wait list for my English 1A class I had taken my first semester and failed. Jill is also wait listed and planning on adding in.

Along with that is a Science class, but not normal science.. It's called Environmental Studies & the Human Impact. Which should be interesting.

And last but certainly not least.... ASL!!

I'm thrilled to be taking my first real Sign Language class. I'm not quite sure why but I just feel so strongly for deaf culture and the whole shah-bang.

As a gift to myself for completing my second year of college I am planning on getting Hulu and perhaps even Netflix as well. I plan on catching up with my Switched at Birth, Misfits, Glee, and so on. I've never been so excited to be lazy. Oh boy..

I'll tell you about my experience with art and such from the other day, tomorrow or soon. Howard Levine is a great man. And his home gave me just enough inspiration to make it through the rest of the semester and even through summer perhaps. I'll leave it at that.

It's getting late and I work the morning shift, so I better get some beauty sleep.

Goodnight and sweet dreams dear you.

Makeup-less Me.
"flyaways"

9:24pm

Two things,
1.} I'm not pregnant- my period started this morning.
2.} Which is now resulting in my inner uterus wall lining falling off and causing my lower stomach to want to die a little.

But hey, it's better than me forcing a watermelon out of a tiny hole.
That will just have to wait.

Nothing much else happened thats of worthy note.
I'm becoming quite the webcam whore.
It's the worst/best thing ever.

This is my best friend Juleia.

Samuel. <3

And this is my life.

10:45pm

Big Dave died today.
Rachael Webb's mom did a few days ago.
When I had found out about Rachael's mom I balled my eyes out.. not because I knew her or anything, I mean I had probably met her once or twice..
But it made me think of Rachael and how she doesn't deserve that. She is such a wonderful girl and dancer and she deserves a mom to be in her life. Then it made me think of my mom. Which is the real reason why I was crying. I miss my mom. The other day was Mother's Day. And I had made a status just thanking every woman who had been like a mom to me when mine wasn't. It wasn't until the next day that I had sort of felt bad about what I said. And that I didn't say anything to my mom via text.

I have to remind myself that she doesn't text me unless it's a holiday and even then, if she remembers.

Not to mention that she hasn't been a part of my life in years..

She doesn't even pay child support anymore, at least not for me.

So she doesn't deserve a text message from me, right?

It's just the good person in me that wishes I had some sort of relationship with her.

I need her sometimes.

Sam is getting worried because my pills were over 3 days ago and I still haven't started my period.

Finals and everything are also coming up, so I am assuming it's because of stress.

I guess this may be my first official "pregnancy scare". So awesome..

Sam is more nervous than I am.

I can't really be stressed about it. I need to relax so my body can realize it's time for my vagina to leak red shit.

Secret: How awful is it that I may sort of kinda be a little okay with the idea of being pregnant? If Sam and I talked about it, and whatnot I would make it work. If Ryan Well's can be a single mom at my age, then anything is possible right?

I know I would be a good mom. I know I want to be a mom, and I love Sam. I know he would be a good dad one day. But he has also made it clear- he isn't ready for a baby. Which I understand. Financially it's not a good time.

I'm sure I'm not even pregnant. That would just be too much like a movie. And I'm just about done with movie-type shit happening to me this semester.

I work the morning shift so I better go, but these are just some of the things that are happening/going through my head.

Goodnight