8:10am

Yesterday I had lunch at Maria's with Kimberly. That was really really nice.
It made this strange mood I was in go away. I could only describe it as mentally and physically exhausted.

I can't even tell you why exactly because quite frankly I don't know.
Mentally may be from thinking about everything that has happened recently which is really just dad stuff.

I try not to think about it because it makes me just want to punch him. So moving on....
I got my math class. I went and sat in on the first and wasn't picked in the lottery. So I went back the second class and asked if anyone had dropped and someone had and everything worked out well. So I'm officially in Math D yet again.
Along with my 2 photo classes.

I want to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close today. Even if I'm just by myself. I feel like I would cry. So maybe it would be best if I did go alone? Or someone I knew that had read the book as well.
Hmmm. What else is going on in my life.. Nicole and I may go walk out dogs today. She made the effort to pop back in my life.

She is engaged and moved out apparently. I'm not sure what she is thinking exactly.. By I mean.. That's who she is now so alrighty then.


Me and Kimberly really talked a lot about my dad and my life in a nutshell from the past few years.
She really wants to help me get to Cabrillo. She really does.
I like that. I don't like however that I am almost doing it on my own. My dad isn't very supportive and that upsets me.
But not to dwell too much on that this morning. I need to see what my plans for today are. Seeing as how I don't have work, I want to do something for me.

11:37pm

Semester 2, day 2.
Tried to sit in and add a math class today. Of course that didn't happen. Bullshit, seeing as how I was the first person there. But the way they have to do it... The "lottery" ugh... Can't really do much about it.

I'm going to go back the next class to see if anyone has dropped since then.

Talked to Nicole today. For the first time in months. She actually initiated it. We FaceTime'd, vox'd, and such.

I guess I'm going to take pictures with Robbie tomorrow after class.
We shall see.

Not much to say, just about all that happened today that was significant.

I'll try to post more tomorrow perhaps.

10:00pm

Well. I don't really want to talk about how I'm feeling. Because then I'll get upset. But in a nutshell, I'm still upset about my nose. I just have to not show it. Dad certainly doing a damn fine job of moving on and being fine and dandy like normal. Fuck.. Ugh. Moving on.

School started back up today. Not much to say about that.
2 photo classes in one day. 6 hours of sitting on my ass listening to old men talk and show their pictures and junk. Should be fun I suppose.

Going to try and sit in on a math class tomorrow. That should be interesting seeing as how I've never done that.
This semester is going to feel weird. I liked what I had last semester. But I'm going to just go with it.

Every time I take a picture I feel like something is missing.
Thank goodness for oversized scarves. /:

9:25pm

Saddest sight I ever did see.

8:07pm

I hate myself. I really do. I hate having to give in to my dads fucking rules. I LOVE my septum and I have to take it out.
I can't afford to keep it. I don't even have the energy to talk about it anymore.. I just keep crying.

Fuck me and my joke of a life.

I. Hate. Myself.

And you dad. Fuck you..

1:09pm

Well, it's Thursday. Which of course means, that tomorrow is Friday. Which then means that dad is going to tell me the repercussions of my actions.
This should be good.
I'm not getting rid of it.

On a brighter note, I went to the mall a few days ago with Khrista and Mel. Purchased some new clothes. But now I have to save up
1.) because I'm now going to have to pay for most of my life from now on.
2.) I want to move out. {refer back to no. 1}

That is my life right now. I'm not really thinking about it much because, why dwell on shit things such as how much I hate how things are going right now?
Not worth it.

It's a red hat & Silversun Pickups kind of day.
It's raining. Could this actually be winter? I hope it lasts a few weeks then leaves.

It's cold, and that's nice I suppose, but colder than I had intended.
Wouldn't mind if I was back home in front of the fire crochetting.
{because that is my life.}

And this Earl Grey just wasn't as good as I had hoped.
One day I will find the right tea.

10:21am

No work today, thank goodness. I'm getting a cold and not too sure how much more work I could handle.

Last night wasn't too great for Austin. He was pretty upset about life so here I am using the Starbucks free wifi seeing him and making sure he is okay. I guess work for him isn't going fairly well either.
Poor chap. I'm glad we are friends and hanging out more often. He really is a great person.

I also made a new friend, Ben. He seems really nice too. And you gotta love them choir boys! Haha at least I do.

Things are going preeeetty shitty with my dad and I though.
We have maybe said a grand total of 3 sentences in the past 2 days.
He really isn't happy with me. But you know I'm okay. I had a talk with my sister and she helped me decide that I'm done hiding things. And not acting my age about my decisions.

If I get tattoos or any more piercings, I'm going I get them. I'm going to own up to them. And be proud.
Dad and whoever else can accept it for what it is.
I'm really sorry that my life decisions have had to go about this way, I need to stop making assumptions about my dad (although I'm sure they are still right) but then again, he may be beginning to be more open about things. I think that I am helping him open his eyes to other forms of art or expressionism. He needs to see that there is more out there than country life.
We shall see how it goes.
Maybe this year will be different. I know that there is some of the same patterns happening but I'm reacting to them in a different way.

This is good.

Like they always say,
"this too shall pass."

9:45pm

Worst fucking day.

It's always the same fucking thing. This always happens and then I tell people to get it out of my system and they say things like that and I just get so mad at myself. Like I'm whining and I should just suck it up. But I'm just so done with the judgement and just not being good enough.

Dear boy,
Was nice while it lasted I suppose just wish it didn't end that way.

Dear Dad,
Wish we could see eye to eye. Wish things were different. I wish I didn't have to wish anymore.

So much for this year being the start to a new everything. It's going just as it did the year before.

8:04pm

Last night was nice. Krisanna and Dallas spent the night while Blake had Bailey and Richard over.

I was introduced to anti jokes, we looked up Nikki Minaj videos on YouTube, told dead baby jokes, and stayed up till about 2 even though I had to work (technically this morning) at 6:30am. Everything worked out just fine.

(all the while, my father is in San Francisco for work) he will be back sometime tomorrow.

Anyways, I made a bold decision today that I am completely happy with, piercing my septum. Yes that's right, I did it. No regrets.

I'm still going to hide it from my father and the rest of my family but let's hope not for too long.
I want this year to be different. I want to be able to make my own decisions and not be judged for any of them.

So any who, I'm sure you are all waiting for it..

11:26am

Why did I even bother coming over? I knew you were a fucking liar. So much for ending it. Fuck you.

And now we will have 2 more photo classes in a few weeks? Awesome. It will just be another "cat and mouse"
game.

Great choice of words.... Really.

This should be fun. See where things go, yet again.

Well little do you know, I have other options.

10:28pm

I'm serious.

10:16pm

I want this year to be different.
I want to have a date to bring to my
Christmas work party.
I want tattoos and piercings.
I want I want I want.

This will be the year I do it.
Just be ready.

10:58am

Last night I wrote out a long post and most of it was pretty bratty and full of complaint. Then I received a text message I believe and when I returned, it was gone. Didn't save as a draft or anything. So that's just peachy.

But oh well, it's for the best. I shouldn't be starting off the new year complaining anyhow. So I thank you dearest blogger, for not allowing me to be a negative person.

Payday was yesterday, and that was nice. Work again today. Hopefully with people I enjoy being around. (all I will say about that.)

Hmmm in other news, things are just the same. I'm reading Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Did you know that the person who plays Lizabeth Salaner is the same girl who played the ex girl friend in The Social Network??
Rooney Mara. I never would have guessed it till I had searched her name and up pops this girl.
She was AMAZING. Not sure when I'd seen such an amazing movie. I just hope the book portrays everything easily enough as the movie did.
I do wish my laundry would hurry up and dry. I'm cold and want to go to Ben Franklins and troll around. Most likely purchase an unnecessary sketchbook. Cause that's just how I roll.


Well, I think I'm going to read.