10:35pm

Hunger Games.
Saw it twice in one day. Midnight showing, then 8:15pm. Was fantastic. Chances are I'll see it again.

Nothing more of interest to be noted.

9:17am

I can't tell if it's me or you that's giving up. But we're you even trying to begin with? Was I? What did I think was going to come out of this?

I don't like that you have to be drunk to tell me what I want to hear. That can't be healthy. I can't live like that.
So maybe it is me that is giving up. But I wouldn't call it that, I'm just done. I can only wait for so long. And I'm not okay with just being used or played with while you have others lined up.
I won't be that. That won't be me. I'm much to strong on my own to give in to that lifestyle.
I refuse to have someone control me and the way I live my life. I won't. I can't.

That's not the way it's meant to be.
I'm suppose to be happy and strong.
Not confused and weak. Which I feel as though I have been. For far too long.
This is not the way I plan on living my 19th year. Not at all.

So I'm not sure what this means.. Where do I go from here? Ignore you completely? Just remove you from my life?
I'm not sure if I'm that strong.. I would feel too much like a piece of shit.
So do I just make up excuses? Not give in so easily to your 'charm'.
Say no o coming over?
Sure would save me some gas money.
It's just unfortunate since my dad and brother like you.
We shall see how it goes. If you don't change things before I've completely lost interest.. I would hurry if I were you.

2:48pm

It's raining again. You were doing so well mother nature....
All morning you stayed dry. You even let the sun come out for a bit!
But oh well, I suppose it's not a big deal seeing as how I'm inside.


Happy St. Patrick's day everybody.
You know what that means right? Corn beef and cabbage. And lots of drunks.
And that my date of birth was 2 days ago.

I'm officially 19. My last 'teenage year' so that's kind of interesting.
I had a math test at 9:30am and then went to work. Made myself a drink, read Hunger Games a bit, Austin surprised me with flowers and took me to lunch at Asian Gardens for the first time, we went back to my house and played with Scout until my dad got home.
We kept it small, just went to Players and had my usual family and friends over. Austin came which was nice. But I felt bad for him the whole time. He clearly was out of place. Kind of.

I got lots of $20.00 bills. Enough to add up to $220.00 + $50.00 for Yuba Blue, about $25.00~ for Massage Envy (still have one from my last birthday for $65.00~) and that's about it?

Of course my mom text me. I replies. She said a few lies, went on her way. I didn't let it effect me too much.
All in all it wasn't bad.

It still hasn't hit me that I am 19. It didn't hit me that it was my birthday really. And then by the time the night was over and I looked at the clock to find it was 12:30am the day was over. It had been over for a solid half hour and I didn't know. I felt like I was jipped almost. I don't know.. Hard to explain.
The next day (yesterday) Khrista, Tiz, and myself all went shopping at Crossroads, Nordstrom Rack, and then the mall. It was very nice.
Then we went to Olive Garden for the first time and a big muscly man passed out multiple times and it was quite a rush.
All in all that was a nice day.
Now today I worked (this morning 6:30-11:00am) and have been here ever since. Kind of in a odd mood really. I started Catching Fire and automatically get the feeling that it won't be as good as The Hunger Games. But I'll keep you posted.

Anyways, here are some pictures from the past few days of my life:

10:04am

I'm scum. I'm scum on the bottom of the Earth.

I was the designated photographer for Cole and Parker's 1st birthday.
Took hundreds of pictures..
And then this morning when Chris asked for my memory card to upload them to his computer, I, before giving it to him.. Began to go through and delete full days worth of old pictures so he wouldn't have dozens of Scout or whatever else I had taken prior to the birthday party. Without realizing it I had begun to delete images from party........

Photos of the cakes..
The party goers..
The babies..
The food..

Just about all of it.

I turned off my camera as fast as I could but it was too late. Hundreds were already gone.

I could cry. I am scum.
I didn't even have the heart to tell my aunt before I left. Just Chris.

He had told me it wasn't a big deal, but I'm heartbroken. Now we are driving home and I feel sick.
Grrrrrreat.

11:34pm

Almost exactly a week till my birthday. /:
All I want is my septum back.
I'll pay for it myself again, and wear it up when I'm around family.. I just want it back.

Got a round barbell for my web today though. Might take some getting used to.

1:34am

I know I should probably go to bed, but after watching the video about Joseph Kony I feel like I should run around the planet 173,900 times so I can feel like I'm doing something productive. I hate knowing that there are humans in this world that are so incredibly fucked up as Kony.

My question is: What did this world do to you Joseph Kony? What happened to you that was so bad, that somewhere in your head you came up with this solution. The solution to all your problems. To abduct children, make them commit crimes they cant even begin to comprehend..What happened to you that was so bad that you had to get back at the world by becoming a monster for 20+ years..

Were you molested as a child? Beaten by parent(s)? Starved? Forced to kill?

Really..Please, enlighten me..

I'm dying to know.

What the fuck happened to you?

Deep down, truly deep down in my heart I want to believe that you were once a good person. I mean, everyone was a good person at one point in time, right?

You can't just be born with horrible intentions awaiting you?

Then you can bring God into it.

Who is God anyways? Some guy who healed the blind, parted waters, etc.

But supposedly, he "created" us all right? I think that's the way it goes.

So is he to blame? Why Mr. God would you create some of the awful people in this world.

KONY

HITLER

BIN LADEN

Just to name a few.

What were your plans after that?

Have us fight the wars they had planned?

Have us become just as big a monster as each of them?

What are we accomplishing by doing that?

Fighting the battles YOU- God, should never have made possible.

How does it go?

"An eye for an eye ends up making the whole world blind."

There are some fucked up things in this life. And chances are there will be in the next one, and the one after that, and the next and the next..

You get the point.

So I know it's rude to point fingers but everyone does? Someone has to?

I don't know.... I just feel so helpless in all this. Like even if I did buy a help kit, and even if I did wear the bracelet, or wore a shirt, or put up a poster, or shared a link.. Deep down I feel like I'm really not helping. I'm just a small person in this fucked up situation.

But who says I'm not going to try? I'll share a link, I'll wear the god damn bracelet, I'll do all that my heart can.

Shit, I may even pray.

And this "God" guy only knows how many times in my life I've ever done that..

I guess my point is..

I want to do something. I want to leave this life like Gavin's Dad.

I want to leave this life knowing that I've done something. I've accomplished something.

I've helped someone.

I've changed someones life.

I've made someone cry.

I've made someone laugh.

I've kept someone warm.

I've made someone happy.

I've seen all I wanted to see.

I've done all that I can do..



I just want to do.

THIS is doing something.



8:38pm

I left my digital class early today. Horrid headache and felt sick.

I'm better now.

I'm sure my teacher isn't happy, but I don't care at this point.

Bigger fish are in need of frying. I feel like I have so much to do and no time to do it.
Welcome to the real world right?

I think I'm gaining weight and it fucking sucks. I wish I just never had an appetite. Food is a monster.

My day of birth is coming up. Weird considering I feel like it hasn't been a whole year since my last one.

In 10 days I will be 19 years old. And nothing will change.
At least I have come to accept it.

I want this camera.

Really badly. And I want to get rid of this black hair already and Ombré my hair. I'm ready for something new.

I'm so tired.. But I took pictures of my sweater the other day with Courtney and then went to Austin's and took some on his property in the back. It is beautiful back there. I had no idea it even existed. It was still snowy and lovely. I think I got some nice pictures.

I'll upload the rest tomorrow after I finish editing them in the lab after math.

Until then, goodnight.

9:53pm

Why am I sad right now? I have no reason to be. But I am. I feel as though I could cry and just weep.

It may be the weather or it may be me. It may be the music my headphones are telling my ears.
Regina Spektor, Eet. Just came on, and it's nice. I'm still sad though.

Work was shit. I'm beginning to dislike Ruth. There is really only 3 girls I like to work with. And it's rare I see them.
I'm ready to leave everything. But I can't, I couldn't make it out there.

Why am I sad?

I want to pull an all nighter and at the same time sleep. I can't choose which.

Today was the 2nd snow day in a row. But I did have to work still. Roads were clear by then. I hung out t Austin's before, and I'm wondering if it's part of the reason why I'm sad? He was sleeping the majority of the time. I don't care though.
I'd prefer it if he wasn't. I'd prefer it if he didn't feel the need to talk to other girls. I'd prefer if the snow didn't melt just yet so I could take pictures in it.


Fuck nostalgia.
Here are some pictures.

I should stop letting social networks distract me from my math.