11:21am

I'm really feeling all these creative juices flowing through my bloodstream. Making the time to go and take photos. Commiting to actually doing it and using my hands more than ever.

Danielle came in today and although she can be a bit eccentric at times, I enjoy or deep conversations. She got goosebumps when I told her about Fools Gold. And that excites me even more.

I had my talk with Holly. And half if it went well and the other half was just whatever. She thanked me and expressed her appreciation for me staying and making a change in my work pattern. But still had some things to critique. I told her how I felt about Avery and her phone problem, as well as how I feel about other supervisors and how I felt singled out, etc..

When it came to me explaining how I felt it seemed like she just told me to keep changing the way I am. Like "oh, it's just because you're still in your head and need to not focus so much on that." Or "you're nit-picking, you need to not nit-pick."

Which hurts. I don't like being told I have to change. That's the one thing I feel very strongly about. So we will see where it goes. She went out if town and we won't meet until next week but for now "I think things are good where they are now" so I'm still not a supervisor. I just have lots of feeling towards all that, so I'm just trying to to focus on them. Put my energy towards my project.

Off my lunch-

Ps- 6 months with Emmit on the 11th. Kinda neat. (:

11:29am

Progress:

Ps, since yesterday we were short staffed, Holly moved our meeting to today. So thats something to look forward to.. So much sarcasm in that..

9:58pm

Didn't get up early and take photos this morning. I woke up when my alarm wen off, but I was exhausted and let myself fall back to sleep but for only a few minutes. As I was drifting back I remembered that Emmit still had my tripod. Which was very necessary in my endeavor. So I scratched my whole idea and let myself sleep in. I finally woke up a few hours later, showered, and got ready for my day. Didn't do too much, but a few small errands.
Got called into work early since they would soon be short staffed.
Close was fine and we got out at a normal time. Which left me with extra time and sunlight. And since my mooring didn't quite go as planned- I felt that I owed it to myself to capture some sunset shots. I thought I had planned it just about perfectly with my timing. The sun was supposed to set at 7:36pm and I got to my planned spot by 7. I was chasing light a little bit then slowly ended up giving up once a horse decided it didn't want me in its pasture. So I took that as a sign it was time to go home. It was nice to edit again, although I don't exactly enjoy being the subject.. I went with it.
All in all these are my result of 30 minutes of shooting without a remote while trespassing.

I suppose it's a start. Need some work and probably a new lens (or whole different camera..) But that's a whole other trek. Ugh.

12:18pm

Less television. More music.

Less indoors. More outdoors.

Less phone. More camera.

I'm hoping to wake up a little earlier and take some shots while the sun rises. I tried to do this once before with a friend of mine for her senior portraits. We started a bit late but still captured what she wanted in most shots.

This time I'll go to a different location. All by myself. Talk about trying new things..

I may or may not be trespassing. But really.. How can anyone own a whole field?

I'm ready to get back in touch with my camera. Really ready to edit. I can enjoy editing photos for hours if they are things I'm excited for. Although these are self portraits- I'm not letting that stop me from being excited.

I noticed something the other day, I got home a little later so it was dark out, but as I left the house to grab something from my car it took me a second to realize. It was still warm out! I wasn't shivering at all! Nor was I even wearing a jacket of any kind.

Keeping that in mind, my fingers are crossed morning are just as the nights have been.. But I have my doubts.

With any luck I'll force myself to get up in the wee hours of the morn and retrieve the halo effect I have in my head.

We shall see. 

6:12pm

I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm taking this whole project idea mighty slow. I could easily have rushed it, picked a random blogging/website (site)- and just put everything down on the internet.

Instead I'm using my hands. Writing things down. Comparing and contrasting different sites to use. Being very mature about it. And I'm happy to pat myself on the back a little.

I think I may have decided a site to use that looks professional and seems sturdy. Just want to get some feedback from Emmit. Just having his perspective on it all is so nice. Puts my mind a bit at ease. Takes some pressure off me. Having him around is just comforting in all aspects. But trying out this new thing that's nerve wracking is a scary thing to think about going at alone.

I had another good day at work for the most part. Started out with a positive mindset. Becky had me do wholesale type things and I asked questions (although I didn't feel like I should have been- rather, already known the answers.) So I was careful with the way I asked them. More like I was double checking my own assumptions. Either way she have me a highfive for doing a good job.

I was hardly on the register, except for near the end of the shift when it wasn't being covered.

I got to work with some of my favourite people for a bit too. So it was nice.

I better head to Human Sexuality, but just wanted to document my progress.

Ps: I'm happy for Hana. Glad she finally made it public. I think this is really good for her. It brings my stress levels down- but I'm proud (for lack of a better word) for finding someone. And moving forward. I certainly had some worries. 

5:58pm

Quick post before palates. < correct spelling??

Anyways- just wanted to note that I've had yet another nice day in a row.

I purchased my vintage yellow desk, then had breakfast with Em- all before my first class of the day! 

I got up a little early to shower and get ready for the day. Last night I knew I wanted to wear a dress since the weather has been so nice. So I did just that. I feel nice and the day is nice.

I've been soaking up a bit of sunlight here and there and it's doing wonders for me. I love autumn and it will continue to be my favourite, but there is something about a little vitamin D after some rainy days that just does something for ya.

Got a B+ on my ASL2 midterm and about to go work out. 

Go me!

      

8:54pm

Three cheers for a nice day! After the bad day (on Wednesday) it's nice to finally have a decent one that turns into an even better one.

I worked a long shift too! With Sophie (in training), Courtney (as supervisor), and Kathleen (who did back).
I did work with Em for a little bit which was nice- although I didn't feel like I saw him much. As well as Corrie which was fine. She was nice to me. (I'm doing my best to not connect everyone being suddenly nice to me with the fact I just got demoted and now giving me pity.) Which sounds shitty and like I'm being super lame.. which I am.. but at least I'm realizing my problems.

Although I hate the idea of me having to prove myself to gain my spot back I've been keeping really busy. Working my ass off is what it really feels like. I've been doing more little chores throughout the day to keep me moving, start big closing chores early, or just doing everyones chores. Purposely staying away from the register. Just going above and beyond how I normally would act. I'm acting like a supervisor. But it feels weird knowing I'm not.
Courtney kinda made me realize I may be taking it all too a bit of an extreme. But at this point I feel like I need to walk on eggshells for a bit so you know, I don't get fired. I'd rather quit than be fired.
Anyways, only supervisors can train new employees. And Courtney really doesn't know how to do that sort of thing. And for the majority of the shift Sophie was just on register (which was good) and she's getting really good at it. But I'm not sure she was learning anything new most of the day. And Courtney wasn't acting her most supervisor-like. Mostly standing around when we are slow just chatting with Sophie. I know that if I were in that position, I would know that Sophie and I are friends but training comes first. I suppose that having my position taken away from me makes me realize others actions who still have it. I hate cliche scenarios that are true.

"You don't know how good something is (or value it),

until it's gone."

As much as I'm not looking forward to my 'meeting' with Holly this Thursday, I need to prepare for it. Start writing down all I've been doing as improvement. I wish I didn't feel like I'm doing it all for nothing. I work shifts when she isn't even there so she can't physically see me in action. Doing all I can and whatnot to keep busy and change. But oh well.. guess I just have to deal with it. 

By the end of the shift as we were really starting to slow down I asked Courtney if she had been using the clipboard and going over any new things for Sophie. Thats when she said she hadn't and she really didn't want to train. So she asked me if I would go over some new things like closing chores or things we do right as we close. I was hesitant since I didn't want to step any boundaries that I no longer obtain. But Courtney said since she is a supervisor I have to do as I'm told basically. So I taught Sophie as if I were a supervisor. And I did a damn fine job. I've trained before so I know how to do it. I've been a link leader and whatnot. I know how to make it an interactive experience. Ask her questions as we perform tasks, make her say things back to me, etc. 

I'm a good worker. I'm good at my job. Sometimes I have rough weeks. And that's okay. 

By the time we got out of there it was just before 6:30pm. And we even faced some product on shelves. I looked at my phone and had 2 messages from Em. One saying he has a surprise for me and the second saying his phone was about to die but he will be at The Mining Museum waiting for me. I pulled in and he is on his scooter and I can only imagine what this 'surprise' could be.. he hugs me and pulls out my belated Christmas present.. *drumroll please*..

MY HELMET!

Its just beautiful. Nice and silver and has a big protective plate from bugs and wind. I need to get a cool sticker or something to personalize it someway or another.. But I'm thrilled. I finally get to share something that means so much to him, with him. We went on our first ride together and as nervous as I was- it was so incredibly refreshing to be back on a bike (of sorts). Just a few days ago I was thinking about how much I missed riding. I like that I do that. My tomboy-ishness is something I cling to. I'm damn proud of my ambiguity. 

Cheers to more scooter adventures!

Speaking of Adventures, I may be embarking on an adventure of sorts myself. I've finally put things down on paper. Started using my sketchbook from Christmas. (My first Barne's & Noble purchase). And I don't want to jinx it or anything but I'm getting excited. I guess I'm calling it a 'Project' since I'm not sure what it is quite yet. A Blog? A Website? Is there a difference? I will be learning so much in the next few months from Emmit and all my computer savvy friends. Don't get me wrong- I'm really good with electronics, but I've never ventured onto these grounds before. 

So I guess I'm calling it Fool𝓈 Gold. The fact that it came to me on my 'Bad Day' means something. Not to mention I was outside on a new trail releasing my sadness. Just the whole scenario makes me solidify the name that much more. It's so appropriate since I live in a mining town. Which I really want to incorporate into the project. I want to post photos of Old Grass Valley. Give some history and such, as well as teach myself that I live in a great place. Remind myself to be grateful for what I have before I leave. Which brings me to the second half of 'The Project'..

The goal is to really solidify it all and make it something that bring a profit by the time I move to Oregon. I have a goal and it may be huge- but this whole damn thing is.. I may be biting off much more than I can chew, but damn it I've been talking about it since I don't know when. It's about time I put things down on paper. Start making an effort to turn this into something.

I need this. Something that forces me to go outside. To new places, bring Scout, and most importantly- take photos. I really need to take photos again. I mean I just permanently put one of the biggest aspects of photography on my arm.. I can't just be a walking talking hypocrite. I think that hitting this low was my sign that it's time to get up and change stuff. Realize I'm 21 and need to get my shit together. 

So here is to Spring of 2014. And Summer. And my project. And the sun, weather, my future, and whatever else I decide is best for me here in the next while.

This is me trying. Watch out Monday.. I'm com in for ya.

7:05pm

Scout can sense sadness and knows just when to console me. And for that I'm greatful. 

10:04am

So I should explain my last post.

Where do I even begin? Well on Wednesday morning I opened (normally don't work Wednesdays since I have school all day) So I knew it was going to be a long day. I was tired the majority of the shift but I knew I was only there till noon. With that in mind I started to gain some energy (with some help from caffeine).
It was around 11:45 and we had a delivery to Classic Tattoo and so they asked if I would take it and by the time I got back I would be able to split tips and leave. Every time I deliver there I come back in a good mood.

Like I thought I only had about 10 minutes before I had to leave. As I went to the back to take my sweater off Holly asked me to come to the office and "it would only take 8 minutes" since that's how much time I had left. I was all smiles and in a good mood. I sat down and she just let me have it. My smiles and good mood turned into holding back tears.

She wanted to let me know that a "half dozen" of my fellow coworkers had come and talk to her about me. Which really means just about all of my coworkers. (Because really- how many people actually work there..)
But that's not all she had to say. Oh no. She had quite the list for me of things I do wrong or don't do or need to work on etc..

1. I'm always on the register. 
1. that's a bad thing.. (although whenever I try and go somewhere else I'm always told to go back to the register.)
2. Which then leads to me not making drinks enough or at wholesale side as much.
3. I don't know the answers I'm supposed to.
1. As a supervisor I should know everything, be the person everyone an come to for answers and "I don't."
4. I'm not bubbly and outgoing. Not the kind of person people want to work with or be around.
5. I'm weak and bringing everyone down.
6. I'm supposed to be a strong link and I'm just slowing the team down.
7. I snap at people and have an attitude.
8. I don't do what I'm told and if I finally do it I'm mad at the person who told me and then that spreads to the rest of the people I'm working with.
9. ETC.

I'm forgetting a lot. But those are some that hit home I guess. As she was listing all the things I do wrong I'm just sitting there biting my lips, and fidgeting. Trying my best to not let tears shed. Just repeating 'yes' and 'okay' waiting for it all to be over.

She finally took the roll of Supervisor away from me which is what I was waiting for and dreading the entire time. Said that we will meet up next Thursday and go over how I've improved and what I've done to change. Then she will be out of town the week after that so then we will meet the Thursday when she gets back.

It was 12:10~ by the time I could leave. I grabbed my things and ran. Didn't say goodbye to anyone because the minute I stepped outside the tears escaped.
I had a class to get to.. And I was doing so well. Thanks so much Holly..

She would stop and ask me if there were any questions I had or anything to say, and really I felt like "what's the point in trying to defend myself now? You've already taken away my position and made it clear no one likes me or wants to work with me.."
I did let her know that I have had some issues with Corrie and how she makes me feel inferior and stupid as well as that I've been sick the past few weeks and have been meaning to make a doctors appointment. But then told her how I really am not trying to make excuses or bash on anyone else- I just need to work on those things I guess.

I then had to suck it up so I could go to class and look presentable. Which was rough. And I made it through quite bit. But left 30 mins early because I really wanted to talk to my dad. I was nervous to talk to him since I wasn't sure if he would be mad at me for failing at my job or support me and left me vent.
Thank goodness he was supportive. He was even getting mad at the other girls and Holly which was comforting since I was just as mad. I asked for his opinion and he suggested that this may be my sign that it's my time to go. He said we needed to talk more and make a plan. Even if it for 6 months from now or 3~2. Make me plan- which is what I've been wanting for so long.
He had a dentist appointment so I left and met Sophie at Summer Thymes. When I pulled in she was talking to Danielle outside. They said hey and I started crying.. ha.
I gave them the same speech I did to my dad and they were just in shock. Astounded that people would be so shady. Not come to me or give me any idea that there was something wrong. To just work with me and fake the whole thing. Pretend that everything is fine and then to be slapped with this conversation with Holly.

I wanted to vent but make it clear that this should not scare Sophie off from working there. I've just been there for a very long time and things are just kinda adding up.
Trying to imagine not working with Emmit is strange to me. But I need to see this as a positive. Couples don't normally work together. So now we are just going to be like a normal couple. Distance is good and will make seeing each other that much more exciting and worth it.

A new job will be a fresh start and that may be what I need. Something to get me excited for again. Happy to go to and support. Just need to work on my resume a bit. Figure some things out. Try not to go to work and let the new unwelcome vibes get to me. Just power through them. If I do anything that would prove I'm 'worthy' of gaining my spot back- its not for Holly, myself, or anyone. It's for the store and just to get myself out of there. Show I'm powerful enough to fight through whatever anyone says. Pretend I'm there by myself and doing a job. Use this place as a paycheck.

Relevant.

Time to make a plan.

12:27pm

I'm not a supervisor anymore. 

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