9:19pm

100% allergic to bananas. Puked at work.

Felt better, went to school. Pretty uneventful day. 

<------------->

Had some weird dreams last night.

Still pushing on with the curiosity vs fear of the unknown part of my life.

It's weird how my head works. I may not like something but I've realized its 97% because I don't understand it just yet. Once I understand how the parts work and I can peace together how something operates I can most likely get on board.

I'm becoming more curious about things I thought I wasn't and I'm glad. 

It's just finding the right moment to ask how something works, show me, (put aside my fear), and create my own opinion. Granted for an over thinker- this is all much easier said than done. But I'm getting there. At first when I see things I'm not familiar with or uncomfortable with I get defensive or even mean. Completely my own defensive mechanism. And I need to let my walls come down. I'm almost 22 years old I I've always said I need to live for myself. Create my own path. And slowly I'm getting there.

Maybe if I can manage enough courage to fully let down my walls I can recreate a spark in my daily life. My relationship and my friendships. I've been so tense and overbearing in some ways it seems- I don't want to turn people off from the energy I'm putting out. 

Time to stop caring so much. Create my own affirmation that it's okay to let go or be curious or whatever I need that day.

Time to start living the way I blog. Effortlessly and with passion. Release and let go.

9:17pm

Had a math test, think I did pretty alright. Brought Scout to the park and we watched a mom and her daughter try and fly a kite. Windy and beautiful afternoon.

Later I drove to Colfax. I guess to find some sort of closure or something with my mom or just bring up some happy nostalgia? Either way I was pretty disappointed and ended up feeling uncomfortable. So I drove a little further. To auburn and recouped.

It was a nice day all in all.

Dad told me how he and Terri essentially broke up. The distance is just too much and her son has a growing mental illness and it's all a lot to handle with coming up here every weekend.

Who knows what will happen, but either way there will always be a friendship there.

The since dad is in such a mood he started talking about Emmit and said some really powerful things. Nothing he has said about anyone else before.

He would love to have Emmit as his son in law.. 

7:43pm

This is the first post I've made on my computer since I don't even know when..
The past few days have been pretty nice. I had one day all to myself (which was different/a little challenging) but good. Went to Nevada City by myself. Went into stores I hadn't in a while or ever before. Just to take up my time and because I could. Trying to regain my independence is a tad harder than I had thought. I hate saying that but it's something I did to myself. Not entirely bad, just what it is.
The next day I hung out with Salima for a bit and we always have nice conversations. Always get pretty deep and whatnot. It's nice to hear other peoples views on what is happening in your life.

That almost made no sense..

My fingers are cold and a little shaky from my lack of nutrient intake today. (Thank you again body for the lack of 'the feeling of hunger') but the alert of knowing when it's too late. (Cue shaky hands.)

Anyways, I worked the long shift and just kicked butt. Finished my chores by 3pm and we all got out by 6:15pm. It was a goal since the majority of us had homework that needed to be tended to. So I drove to Nevada City (where I am now) and who do I find at a nice open table other than the guy who  showed me this place, Cru Dorsey. We chatted a bit but ultimately I had a goal: finish my homework. And that I did. But I've been enjoying this late night so I've stayed.

Em and I are maybe a little off balance tonight- for lack of a better word. And that sucks. I apologized for being crazy but I think he still kinda needs a break from communication for the night. Understandable. So I sit and I type. And I like it. I miss using my computer and just using my fingers. All of them- the feeling of utilizing all my flanges and not just 2. I need to make an effort to use my hands more often in general. And run. I want to run on trails and cancel things out. I want to paint and draw. Read. Etc..
I feel like I say these sort of things in every post now and I'm not sure what I've actually held my promise to. Half and half I suppose. I do little bits of each. But not routinely. So I suppose I need to develop habits. Stick to exercising nightly. Stop finding reasons to just crawl in bed or put it off. I've been getting compliments on my appearance and it's nice to see that others notice. Not that I can very much, but I also see myself on a daily basis.. but still. You know what I mean. It was actually one of the first things Cru had said when we sat down was how I'd lost weight in my face and I look good. I had to admit it wasn't all me, I had to give some credit to almond milk. But yeah so anyways, enough about my looks.

I suppose thats all I have to say. It's only been a few days. I have a math test tomorrow. So there's that. I feel pretty good about it. I'll keep you posted. On that and everything else, as usual.

9:01pm

Sometimes, like this one right now- I'll get a tingly feeling similar to goosebumps, in my ears. When I'm just sitting in the leaves watching you lay in the hammock read. It's times like this I want to hold onto forever.

12:46pm

Few days have passed.

I saw 50 Shades with Em and the gang.

Tried hookah.

Went to my first Nevada County Bar.

Trying to continue this ready frenzy (which is on a slow simmer at the moment, sadly)

Working, staying busy.

Hana is in town. It's not a big deal. But she should be gone tonight. Not sure if Em saw her at all since she's been here. I don't care honestly if he has, but I'd like to have been there if he had. Just for my comfort sake. Bleh.. Anyways.

He is moving out basically today. Which I'm excited to be back at his moms house more often. I miss her and Elsa. As much as everyone loved that house by Eskaton, I'm ready for him to be out. No longer in some hangout house environment constantly. Let that be someone else's deal, we can visit. But living in one just doesn't appeal to me. For myself or Em. Although he called it home, I'm sure he can do better later on with his own house/apartment. Or dare I say ours.. Ha. I know he doesn't want to live with me. Although I think I'd be a nice gal to come home to.

Maybe one day.

I work in about an hour. I've basically just been sitting out on my back deck for most of the morning soaking up this sun. Trying to read and whatnot. Listening to the planes circle round our house for what I would assume are students adding up their training hours.

Can't wait to go skydiving soon.

We had a nice mellow Valentines Day. We met up with Stephanie and her boyfriend Billy. As well as their 2 friends Chelsea and Kelsey I think the other girls name was? They were all nice. We talked movies and tv shows and getting out of GV.

Quite a few customers have also been asking me about that. When I'm leaving. They all keep reminding me how nervous I am. But after I have a plan and I'm on the road to Oregon, I know I'll be filled with excitement. It's just the getting there steps.

Not sure what else has happened that's worth noting. I'll keep you posted though. 

9:21pm

Not totally tired. Would love to fall asleep on Emmit's chest/lap to a movie. Today is our "16 month". We are almost at a year and a half and that may be my biggest accomplishment since I can't remember. It makes me happy it doesnt feel like it's been that long.

We worked together today and I felt very productive. Was complimented in several ways today and I appreciate that. I've been working hard to get where I'm at. Only going to improve more.

I don't like being the butthead at work for Emmit. Just keep him on track and whatnot. But I'd want him or anyone else to do it for me.

Math is going really well I'd say and that's huge for me. Excited for Public Speaking too. I hope to give at least one speech that makes the class feel something. Like what happens to me when I read books.

Valentine's Day is coming up. It's also the day that Juleia is having her baby shower. But I'm not sure if Emmit has any other plans for when I'm done. Im happy for my dad, he wants to do something with Terrie and make it nice. Even if it just means going to the hot springs. Im happy that he is with someone. I hope that Valentine's Day goes well for everyone.

Let's see.. That may be all I can recap from today. Proud of myself for getting back in the habit of this. I hope that 2015 can be the year I post the most. We shall see. But I better head to bed, work in the morning. 

10:00pm

1.)Blake got the job!

2.)Took midol pm at 6:30.. This morning. Felt groggy all day.

3.)Finished my book and cried next to Em in my car as I read the last chapter. Sad. And good. Onto the next one.

4.)Doing my best to not hold onto things that I can't control. Things that make me upset or nervous. Trying to let go and distract myself in the best ways possible.

5.)Trying to replace fear of the unknown with curiousity. Let go of past knowledge to let new in.

6.)Trying to not be so afraid. Trying to trust.

7.)Trying not to lose myself in all of this. 

9:25pm

"Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven, page 141 

6:07pm

Holding onto negative thoughts from a few nights ago. Having a really hard time moving past them. Not sure what to do.

Brighter note: Blake had his interview at Safeway today. 

8:30pm

It's Monday. And it was a good one. I'm all caught up with math, and thanks to Isaac I feel we will dominate that class.

But let's rewind. 

Friday: Em, the boys and I all drove to Reno to look at a car. No dice- but almost. Then stayed and hung out with Colton and his friends till almost midnight. Mostly fun, but still slightly uncomfortable and whatever. 

Drove home- we are all starving -so stopped at an in&out.

Saturday: (still at in&out) got the milkshake I'd been craving all day and gave Em his birthday kiss at midnight. It's now officially his birthday.

Continued our drive home (Emmit and I sleeping in the back) and then arrived back to his house by roughly 2am. Fell right to sleep. Woke up round 10~ (birthday sex was in order) then got ready to head to SF. The guys had a show they wanted to see and Em had a few more cars he wanted to look at.

Got just outside of SF a tad late, so no car shopping but saw the Golden Gate bridge from afar and I peed in the bushes on the side of a hill overlooking the ocean. We shortly after headed to Berkley, I knew I wasn't going to see the show and by the time we got to the venue Em wasn't quite feeling it. So we walked around and found a perfect spot to grab a drink. Mine of which hit me pretty quickly Id say. We then walked back towards the spot where the show was playing and across the street, headed to another bar/restaurant. Had some calamari along with some more beers and tasted a apricot or peach beer that was phanominal. Holy crap. Now in a mission to find it in stores.

Anyways- after we ate the boys that stayed and watched the show mer up with us and we headed home.

Sunday: arrived home again, roughly 1:30-2am. Fell right to sleep and woke up to more birthday-weekend sex. No complaints. I then hurried to get all my clues printed and in their locations. After I had everything set up I went back to Emmit's house and picked him up. Gave him his film and tombow pens, along with the first clue, and on we went!

(I recorded the entire thing, but need to stitch it all together.) But all went just wonderfully. Just him and I looking for the clues to his big gift. And he loved it. I think he is still sort of in shock and hasn't really hit him yet what I just bought us..

But then again, it hasn't really hit me either.. Haha

After the hunt was over and surprise was awarded, we went to dinner with him mom and Elsa. We went to Arigato sushi in Roseville which was great. Got home pretty early in comparison to the past few nights which was nice since he opened up the coffeeshop and I had math.

Which then brings us to today. And he were are. I'm pretty tired after math then closing up shop, and am ready for bed since I now have to open up in the morning then public speaking after.

So I better hit the hay. 

Until next time.