8:21pm

Don't mind me. Just being an emotional girl.

I give and I give and I give.

I need things in return.

I'm not asking much. 

6:37pm

I could do this living alone thing. Staying home while dad and Blake are hunting. Drinking tea.

Making fires.

Lighting candles.

Hocus Pocus on repeat.

I'm not complaining.

I walked Scout, had a almond milk chai, had a nice conversation with a homeless man named John, went home and finished up the signs for Alexis's wedding, went back to where I met John and took photos with my Nikon. Went to the store and got new mascara, then went home and edited the photos I took. Decided I was really cold and headed to Carolines to make a tea (Market Spice with cream) that I'm currently drinking.

Which brings us to where we are now.

All in all Id say it's been a nice produtive day off which isn't common. So I feel good. The walk this morning was what really got to me. The ground was wet, it was sunny but there was a cool breeze. It was just lovely. Seeing the dead dry leaves on the ground and small water droplets here and there. It really just felt so nostalgic and comforting. I felt so happy.

Walks such as those must happen again. 

11:54pm

Work summer (during fall) BBQ was tonight. Pretty fun. You didn't come over after and I'm a little bitter about it. I'll get over it but still.

It's been raining the past few days. Just as it is currently. Wish you were here cuddling me. At least I have Scout.

You know how I dont like to be alone. Hope dad and Blake are staying dry.

I need to work on the signs for Alexis and her wedding. I also really want a new piercing. Who knows what tomorrow could bring. Second day off and I'm way too eager. If I could just not go back to work that would be too perfect.

Did I mention that Hocus Pocus is on? All I need is a little drizzle, leaves falling, some occasional sunshine with a cool breeze, halloween movie marathons, and some cozy clothes. So far I've received a few of these things.

I also had Kristy redye my hair the other night. Always love how red and vibrant it is. (After I get over the initial shock)

But I'm sleepy and this rain is making me doze off on the couch.

I'm going to try and write more. 

9:53am

My doctor referred me to the mental health building. They just called and want me to go to their seminar.
They asked me if I was going to hurt myself or others or planned or had ever had thoughts of suicide..

I have p a n i c attacks.

Not a n x i e t y attacks. 

How’s your Tuesday going?

10:30pm

Today you flew to Jersey to visit your pop ad sister. And of course your aunt who is ill. You'll be away for 5 days, and I hope you miss me. You say you will and that's true but I want you to miss me more than I will you. And I'm doing my best to not miss you so much. Even if it's just a night away before I see you again. You've sure got a hold on me. Your my best friend and I want to go back to being the cutest friends ever. Back when you said some of the most genuine and kindest things I had ever read. I want you to tell me how much I mean to you again. I want screenshot worthy things.

I'm sick of all my paranoia. It's just nonsense. Sometimes I wish I didn't even have an iPhone at all so I would have no way of making obsessive habits and such. Unhealthy things.

I was so good then I got bad again. Now I'm going to stop. I'll leave my phone in my car or in my purse. I'll just take my pocket knife and camera and just whittle you up something nice.

I hope your aunt gets better. And I hope you come home and want to hold me against your skin. Sleep with me and not push me away. Although I know it's just sleepy you that does it. When really you don't mean to. And I promise to stop taking it personally when it's just your subconscious that is pushing me away and not real you.

I love you so much and I'm trying to not freak out over my/our future. Trying to not be pushy and needy or suffocating. I want to be normal me. Happy Me that just wants to be outside with you and be in photos together. I want you to understand how much I care for you. And it all may be too much. It may be too sudden but it's what you've done to my head. The way I think, it's quite different now. And I enjoy it. When it doesn't scare me.

I wonder if you read this anymore. I wonder if you still check up on my things at all. Most of what I write is to you. You're such a main character in my book. 

I'm really tired. You never text me to let me know your plane landed and I don't like that. But your phone probably died or I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure I'll hear from you tomorrow.

I need to shower and have my oil changed tomorrow.

I love you, goodnight

9:26pm

Kelly and I are growing closer.

Juleia is pregnant with baby number 2.

I'm still overthinking when it comes to Emmit.

I'm tired and kinda sad/lonely often still. But my tests concerning my health are all practically normal. Which is good but still doesn't explain why I feel the way I do.

It's just me over thinking my life away.

I'm reading a book about an autistic savant and it's very good. And watched The Royal Tenenbaums all the way through. Made the connection that Owen Wilson and Luke Wilson are brothers.

And really liked it in the end. But books and movies like that put me in a weird mindset. Weird place. But it's okay.

I better get to sleep. Just checking in. 

7:03pm

Forcing myself to post something. But they're all good things.

I had the day off.

I slept in.

I showered and cleaned my room. Then went and sent Alexis her photos that I edited right away from her bridal shower.

Saw Emmit on his lunch, then made an appointment to meet with my counselor tomorrow after work. Not to mention the other day I made a dentist appointment and got the name and number for the dentist who can remove my wisdom teeth.

Back to today: went to 3 different thrift stores and purchased a total of 4 books that I've never read before and a case in the shape of a leaf. 

I was able to cross off so many things from my todo list today. I'm realizing that if I make lists of things I need to do I will feel more obligated to accomplish them.

I also went to the dollar store and got a notebook specifically for my todo lists, some leaves to hang up in Caroline's like I do every year, and some pens for the pad of paper.

I spoiled myself today and spent maybe $9.

Go me. Even text Janina and set up a day to meet with her and chat about sign and school and such. I'm excited but also a tad nervous about that. But I'll be fine. I'm doing adult things and feeling good.

After I got off work yesterday I stopped by AAA and saw dad. Talked to him a bit and told him about my dentist app. Then tried to bring up moving to Oregon and school and what all he will do to help. It didn't go long since he had to go talk tobhis boss, but he wasn't very supportive. I need to really talk to Sophie or others and see how real they are with the idea of moving to Oregon. I know I can't do it alone. I need to bring it up with Emmit and see if he would even want to live with me. The idea makes sense but living with someone also can break up a couple. So I'm weary. But also very optimistic about it.

My appointment with my counselor will hopefully tell a lot. If I'm going to Sierra in the spring or completely moving to Oregon and finishing there. The idea of focusing in sign language is starting to scare me more and more. But I need to put the fear aside and own up to the plan. Really do it.

Let's see.. What else. That might have been it for the day. But all in all it was great. Simple but totally nice. 

<--------------->

The other day Emmit went with me to the doctors in Roseville. Kaiser. It was my second time there.

The first time I went alone and cried 3 times. It was completely overwhelming and I'm not sure what came over me. I had a chest X-ray and blood drawn. Just 2 tubes which wasn't much but still. It was unclear to me that the blood test would answer other tests. That I thought needed their own type of procedure altogether. I finally was told that I could go and my results would be online and they would call me.

Now back to the 2nd time I had to go. That morning I was working. I opened and I had been feeling a pressure in my head for a week straight. Like the feeling of what a headache would be right before it actually becomes anything. But it never fully developed. That morning I decided that it had been long enough. I needed all this to be done. Over with. So I went back and requested an MRI. I wanted dad to go with me or Em if he was available since it was his day off. Dad couldn't and neither could Emmit. Then just a little bit before I was off Emmit text me and said he was coming. He had MRI's before and they are kinda scary. No one should have to go through it alone. Especially after crying the last time I went there.

I was overjoyed. So incredibly thankful for him to put aside his prior plans and go with me. It really showed a lot.

So we got there and checked in. I talked to a different doctor. A man this time who was alright, but most likely won't continue seeing him. He is retiring in a few years anyways.

So this time I told him all the symptoms I did with the lady doctor the day before and then mentioned my twitch and other things. So he printed me out some information on panic attacks and said that those are what I'm having. There is a huge difference between a panic and an anxiety attack. Which I was unaware of. Panic attacks are completely random so that makes sense. Where as anxiety attacks are caused from being anxious from something.

He also told me that I did have vertigo. My dizziness was from my ears. There are little hanging guys that keep my ears clean and whatnot. But debris and other junk can block them and hold them the the side and whatnot. Basically get them all discombobulated and then send the message when I'm laying down or whatever that I'm spinning since my other ear isn't matching the opposite.

So until the little dangling guys fix themselves I'll feel dizzy. I can live with that. And my panic attacks. And my twitch. It's what makes me, me.

I just needed to know that none of those things are things I should be worried about. 

I still got a cat scan rather than an MRI. Cat scans have radiation involved. MRI's are a bit more expensive. But still both in my case were unnecessary. I still told him for peace of mind that I would like to have my head scanned just to make sure there is nothing happening we don't know of. No pinched nerves, blocked up veins, whatever. I wanted the security if knowing I was 100% fine.

It was quick and easy and I should have my results by now online.

I did ask about my blood tests and those were all normal. So that was also quite relieving. It was probably an unnecessary trip but it really wasn't. I was long overdue for a check up. Granted it was a bit more than a checkup but it brought peace to my mind. And that's all I ask.

Afterwards Emmit and I met up with Sophie and her brother Alex for sushi. It was delicious. Then we returned some pants at Tillys for Em and I got a dress he really liked. We headed home and had to call on some people for possible drunk driving but each safely made it home.

Those were my past few days.

Man it feels good to write. Just recap on the little things. Small documentation of the little things.

My next goal is to start running/walking at NU. On the track when it gets a little cooler. As well as attend some yoga classes downtown.

Also hang out with Kelly. She is going through a breakup and we all could use friends.

Ps: tomorrow marks 11 months with Emmit. Holy shit. 

1:40pm

Recap: haven't been writing much. When I really should. I've been stressing myself out.

I've gone camping. Cried a few times. Been to the doctors. Working 40 hours a week. Helping friends move. Saving money. Feeling exhausted. Took some photos. Baked some cobbler. Didn't go to school. Napped. Walked scout. Did another scavenger hunt. Worked some more. Said goodbye to friends that moved to different countries. Read some books. Watched some movies. 

And I think that was all just in August and the few days of September we've had. 

And I'm just exhausted. I told myself to keep busy since I'm not in school. And I know that sounds like I am but I also just feel like I'm working all the time. My body can't handle much these days. I'm just becoming more and more exhausted much more easily. It's draining trying to keep up with normal me. Not quite sure what that is exactly though.

I still overthink things and look into scenarios more than I should. So I keep to myself. But I get lonely. Even talked to my dad about it.

My mind is going 100 miles a minute and I really just need this weather to cool down.

I need to feel better. If anything my health concerns are giving me anxiety and I can hardy handle it. I need a job where I can get paid to do nothing. I need to take it easy. I'm so tired and I haven't even done anything.

I hate days off because I forget all the friends I have. I feel I have none. They just turn into coworkers. And then when I need to hang with anyone they are always working when I'm not. 

I'm going to start my period soon so crazy me is going to come out. We are going to raise our prices by 15 cents at Caroline's. It's absolutely outrageous. I'm sick of having to charge more and learn new things. I just need some consistency. Just a little steadiness. I'm not sure.

I really need to write more so I can stop being to vague and nonchalant. I'm going to piss myself off later for this. I'm pissing myself off now. I'm mad for just about no reason. I need to distract myself. Maybe I'll see a movie by myself.