10:38am

Autumn, I love you.

Starting off a post with a picture has to be a good omen right? Halloween costume shopping today for my little brother and then possibly could go look at some new plugs at Tribal Weaver.
I dyed my hair black last night to accentuate my pirate costume. Plus it needed to be done.
I'm going on a picnic with Krisanna today in our secret spot. (Okay so it's not so secret.. give us a break.) We still like it.
Pictures will be taken.

Especially on my new Canon AE-1 Program.
My new exciting toy.

I have high hopes for today. I got to sleep in and that was a wonderful thing.

I think you are l o v e l y.

I'm getting a typewriter soon, and hopefully a

r e c o r d   p l a y e r

because you inspired me.

I enjoy putting an excessive amount of s p a c e s

between my words. This is me not giving a fuck because

I'm in a good mood.

Lets e n j o y the day

shall we?

<3

8:57pm

I thought of you today, seeing as how I didn't wear underwear. Or yesterday, just forgot to blog about it. I thought of both of you really.
I still want to go to Ireland. My photo teacher told me that back in the day the boys and girls there sat on opposite sides of the classroom and weren't allowed to talk to each other. And went off of them being bitter. Then my partner lost his glasses. He found them.

I want to watch Requiem for a Dream. Sounds like something that would make me cry. Everyone needs a good cry.

A few weeks ago I was going through my phone and old locked text messages, I found this conversation (well really just 2 replies I had said randomly):

Me: Why do you think its so hard to remember dreams? It's like our brain can't hold them all or doesn't want to for some reason? Because it knows we will tell someone and they could possibly get hurt or something? I'm not sure.
Me: I think our brains are more complex and complicated than we give them credit for. I think they try to protect us.

And that is that.

Robbie. <3



My best friends.



Yeah we're Hipsters. STFU.

I wish I was half as purdy as Krisanna.

I want to know your world. I want to cuddle and watch movies and Right now as I read this all I see is I want, I want, I want. I'm so selfish. Whatever. This is me not giving a fuck. And typing just to say things.

I am going to try and write a post one of these days without saying "I".

Goodnight.

10:40pm

Robbie: If You Could Be One Age Forever What Would It Be?

 

Myself: Hmmmm. I like 18. But then again, I don't know what 19 is like or what will happen. Or 25. I liked being little, while life was good. And I just climbed trees all day and didn't know what was going on and my parents were happy and my grandpa was alive. Before everything changed.

 

 

Halloween is getting closer and I'm pretty excited. Just going to be a pirate again.

 

 

I need to take more pictures.

Lets just move to Ireland okay?

I was thinking about my favourite childhood movie earlier today, then you made me think about it again.

A small earthquake just hit. Shook my mirror and I got kind of nervous. I thought it may have been my dad running into my room. Its late so I thought I would have gotten in trouble. But it wasn't, he is still asleep and all is well.

 

I should sleep though.

11:01pm

You should be proud of me.
Actually worked on my math homework.
I felt sick the whole time but I got a bit done.

I wish I wasn't failing.

Oh the sweet smell of crunchy leaves.

Scout and Autumn my 2 favourite things.

Those seem like the same photograph, but you just aren't looking close enough.

I need sleep.

Sleep well everyone.



7:39pm

Yesterday..
Oh lord. What to say.

Today..
Just the same.

What actually matters
             hell if I know.

Rereading what you said to me now, makes me want to cry. Throw up and cry.
            all in the best way possible.

You said you thought of me when applying your eyeliner.
            it's shit like that that make me want to sink into your arms and just be you.

I'm sorry I made you cry, that wasn't in the game plan.
           yet neither was crying in your car,
                 or telling you all of the things I have floating in my head.

You didn't fail yourself or do any wrong.
          you just said what I asked of you, and I can't thank you enough.
                  its those thing that I need to know in order to survive at work.

"We will never run or escape from who we are, and we will continually be reminded of the people we were because it's who we are.."

God damn it. GOD DAMN IT! Fuck you.... fuck you for being so damn right....
   
And when I say fuck you, I mean I love you. I love you from the bottom of my soul and body.
Even knowing you just for the few months I have, I feel I'm a part of you.
I keep repeating myself about how I hardly know you.. But I know so much of you.
I know you don't care, and yet care just enough.
You have days, like myself, where you just are.
You are inside yourself and outside yourself.
You are watching yourself walk around, and wondering
"So that's what I look like from behind."
"That's what every other person in this fucking city sees everyday."

A few weeks ago I was walking down the street and I forgot what I looked like. Legitimately forgot what I looked like.
What does that mean?
That I forgot who I am for a few brief minutes?
Does looking in a mirror fix that problem or are you then just looking at a body you are inhabiting at that moment?


Last night I raced home to babysit after verbally puking in your car.
I had to give the young autistic boy I watched a bath, and as his sister and himself watched their movie I ran the water.
Every few minutes I would go check to see if it was getting any warmer then it was previously.
Nothing changed.

As I took the ice cold wash cloth and watched the suds run down his backside, he would say 'Ow!' each time the icy cold water touched his goose bump stained skin,
I didn't have the heart to tell him,

"I think they turned off your hot water.."
But he is probably 7 years old, and doesn't even know what that means. So I bundled him up and put on his pajamas and we played a game of Jenga.

Now do me a favor, and tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to function with all this new bullshit inside my head.
Work was hell. I was a zombie. Emotionless.

There was a moment, and I would not lie to you, when I had to
                                                                                                  stop.
                                                                                                  stand there.
                                                                                                  and breathe.
The only emotion I could explain to someone was
"I feel lost."
And I told you that.

You said,
"Drink water."
and,
"Have you eaten?"

Of course the answer was no.

"And what defines us is the beauty we see and connections we make because a time will come when you just say, fuck the world and you'll do everything you can, to fend for yourself. And there is beauty in that, because we are alive and we have purpose."

You said your 'heart felt like cracking that night because you heard the things I felt and thought not one soul in this world deserves to feel so down'

But love.. you haven't even heard the beginning....
but one day you will. And we will
cry and
cry and
cry and
cry and
cry and
           cry.
Till we have nothing left to give.

And don't you dare apologize for shit. Your "garble" is what makes my world go round because it is real and it is you. And damn it I can't ask for much more.

I felt your heart seep out of your body as mine did, and touch.

What you may have not known is I'm awful with eye contact. Too sensual for me.
But I tried with all my might to look right at you in my tear filled eyes and tell you the nonsense about my dreams and how brushing his teeth was like turning on the television.
And It makes me want to cry at this very moment in this very spot just thinking about you and each time you nodded your head to show that

you understood each word, each syllable, each fucking tear that ran down my cheeks..

You understood what I thought no one could. You proved to me I can try my best to explain my dreams to those who can handle them.

I've now taken up too much of your time making you read this shit, but like you said,

this is me, and it's real..
So we will leave it at that.

I hope you sleep well,

I'll see you soon. my dear.

11:10am

I got more art supplies.


None of which I use in my actual painting class. Well, maybe the pens or the palette. But I purchased watercolours instead of acrylic, I prefer watercolours.

I want to stay home and paint, crochet, read, take pictures, or do my homework. But I must work at 2:30pm.
Oh well.

I have this feeling of serenity at the moment. I get that feeling after I take a few minutes and look at my favourite artist paintings and sketches, Adara Sanchez.

I honestly get the tingles or feel completely serene when I do this. Just have time to myself to just appreciate someones true talent for what it is. This is what she loves doing, and I admire her for it.
Her linework is brilliant. And now that I have watercolours of my own I can recreate her work yet again.

I should bathe,

have a nice day.



9:49pm

I get in these weird moods where I suddenly feel sick and so I get really quiet and all my energy goes away. I start to breathe fast sometimes. I'm not sure.

It happened today, but only for a little while. I just needed water and food. Other than that it was a nice day.
Very excited for the next few days, I should be receiving quite a few things in the mail all week, and who doesn't love getting things in the mail?

Best part about my day:
An extremely attractive guy from England came into work today and ordered, yep you guessed it, tea. :)
Earl Grey. Oh his accent was wonderful. Would have married him right on the spot.
We chatted a bit about life and travels. Quite nice indeed.
Made me want to go to Ireland even more than I have in the past few days. I've been thinking about Ireland quite a bit.

Well. Here are some good songs I'm currently enjoying all by who might be my favourite band:

I'm clearly having a Bon Iver attack and couldn't be more happy.
Now I'm wishing I had brought my iPod in from my car so I could fall asleep to it.

Perhaps tomorrow night.

Alright,

Goodnight.

10:16am

So I'm sitting here at work {not on the clock, but rather doing homework.} Oddly enough I could get used to this. Not going to class I mean. I enjoy being here. Thrilled I can call this my first job.
Not so thrilled I can't make up the math test I'm missing. I can sort of, if I get a good grade on the final.
Complicated shit man.

Any who, I'm listening to music, people watching, and enjoying the rain outside. Good morning to me. :)

I won a camera on eBay yesterday! Finally! Canon AE-1 program for $44 dollars, oh yes.. quite a steal. << not quite sure if that is the correct version of steal/steel? Think I'm right, not sure. But I don't care because I'm just in such a good mood. I also bought my 50mm lens for my Nikon. Oh the glorious depth of field I shall soon be able to play around with. {Dirty talk from a photographer.. HA}
Oh man.. I'm weird.

And because one of my posts is never complete without a few pictures...

Proof they exist.
{Jackalope.}

Probably my favourite movie, at least currently.

Well, I really should be doing my homework so I best be off.
Hope whoever reads this has as great a day as I am!

Cross your fingers it stays this way.

Monica

6:17pm

I'm fine. How are you?
I have to babysit in a few so I'm going to have to cut this short.
I learned how to crotchet and finished my hat. Really stoked on that.
Ugh, have to go. May be back later.

9:52pm
Alright so, rather than make another post all together I'm just going to add onto this one. Sorry about yesterdays.. I clearly wasn't having the best moment. But it was nice to get out. :) ha.
I'm thinking I'm not going to be attending my math class on Monday. Might not even go to my English class either. I'm not ready for my math test or the essay that is due. :|
I'm not off to the best start in my college career.... whoops.

I'll figure it out tomorrow after work when I see how much I get done.

I'm going to redye my hair within the next few weeks/days.
I was going to try a red tint {and I still plan on doing so} But not just yet. Just going to do the black again and maybe be Snow White for Halloween.

Did I mention how excited I am for Autumn? And October!
I just get in the best mood possible when I think about pumpkins and the reds and oranges in the leaves and sweaters and scarves.. oh man.. I can barely handle it and I never want this weather to end.

Welcome to the world and my family Raegan Marie. Born a few days ago by my cousin Amy. <3

I may or may not like you..

My town just got a record store. BITCHIN'.

Friend and Coworker, Roderick. We went on an adventure around town one day after it rained and found a wonderful hole-in-the-wall record store. Won't be the last time I go in there.

 My past week, give or take a few days, in a nutshell. Explained through 4 pictures.
That's how I roll.

I'm really beginning to like this blog thing.

(:

10:47pm

EVERYONE, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Especially you Blake and Dad. I'm sick and tired of you telling me what to do.
Blake, how many times must we go over that I am 18 years old and you are not? You are barely 14.
Dad, what else do I have to do to prove to you I am an adult and can be treated like one?

I can only handle so much before I explode.
The frustration I have to keep inside is bullshit.

If want to dye my hair again, I'm going to dye my hair again.
If want to buy something with my own money, I'm going to.
ESPECIALLY A FUCKING CAMERA.
If I want to go on the computer, don't tell me I can't.

Just keep in mind.. the more you pull, the more I'm going to want to break free.
One day I will grow strong enough teeth to rip through this god damned leash and be free....
Until then, don't talk to me. Don't waste your breath. I was doing just fine 30 minutes ago before you had to say one word to me. So lets go back in time and shut up, shall we?
You worry about you and I'll do the same.



9:31am

Sleeping in.. such a good thing.
I wish I could just cuddle with Scout all day and not go to work. But I have to go so that's fine too.
I also just  want to read and crochet all day. But that doesn't look very likely either..
Looks like I shall just go and do all those things before work then.

This is a self portrait of Megan McIsaac, my favourite photographer.

Here are some more of her images I feel something for:

I'll stop for now, knowing me, you will be seeing many many more photos of hers.

She is too wonderful not to share with the world.

Have a nice day.

10:51pm

I don't know why I do half the things I do for you.
Like bringing you sweets before work, you have a girlfriend. But hey, thanks for winding my film for me today. I was never taught so you saved my ass on that one.
I'm camera shopping, yet again always.

Finally chap stick weather. Not that it's necessarily a good thing. But also, not like my lips are touching anyone elses.

1. I learned how to crochet today.
2. Started reading Johnathan Safran Foer's book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close again. I guess the movie is coming out in December.. I'm weary about it.
3. Work meeting tonight. Coffee Makers GALORE
4. Worked more on my painting.

That's about as productive as I was today I believe.

Still have an essay to write, then hopefully can go to some open art shows around town sometime this weekend. 2 Different guy friends want me to go with them. I know what you're thinking..  I wish.
Oh well. Whatever. I'm going to bed and getting some rest.

Someone buy me this shirt.

Until another day,

{preferably tomorrow},

Monica.

8:08pm

You gave my goosebumps in my brain.
I read the things you had to say and your words.. made me sink inside my head.
I felt relaxed.
I can't remember the last time I felt truly at peace and after reading what you had to say I did I suppose you could say. I haven't known you long but it doesn't matter. I'm glad I know you now.
Keep writing. Never stop.
Jill.

Now that I have said all my mushy feelings.. I had a really nice day. I'm excited for tomorrow. Good classes with good people. Field trip a mile away from class.. Still pretty exciting. Not having to be in class. Walking around in the brisk air with a camera around my neck, what more can a girl ask for? Oh yeah, a non-empty hand. I wouldn't even mind if it got all sweaty really fast. Just knowing you are touching me in some way would be nice.

I'm sick and tired of being alone.
I want to do something spontaneous damnit!
How much longer am I going to just keep talking about doing all these things or something? I'm all talk and no action.

Or am I?
Hell if I know....

What?

I don't want to sleep. I want to draw. I want to paint. I want to do so much.
I'll just go to Alaska when it is light 24 hours straight and actually accomplish something.

Only in my dreams right?

P.S. My puppy can jump on the couch now.

You guessed it.

Me

10:23pm

Splendid day, must admit. Work especially. Really got to know a fellow employee, which I  enjoyed very much.
Didn't do my Rough Draft for my essay. Meh.. Looks like I'll be bull shitting that 2 hours before class.
Did get some nice self portraits this morning though.

I best be off to bed though.

I'll write more tomorrow.

Until then.

8:17pm

Babysat today. Got some homework done. Decent day.
Took some pictures. Unsure if any even alright.
Edited this portrait before I left. It's meh. I will most likely try to redo something similar to it.

My hand is kinda dumb. Looks all puffy. How the hell do you lose weight in your hands? Seriously curious.
I think I work tomorrow, I am planning on wearing my oxfords {not the heels..} and my long socks. And my goldenrod scarf! Oh how I love that scarf. It is supposed to rain on Monday and Tuesday so I'm preparing for some wonderful photo taking weather. <3
I'm shopping for a new lens and a Canon AE-1. I sadly must give back my sisters slr.. I wasn't in love with it so its not that big of a deal I suppose.

I was on an editing rampage this morning. So here you go.

I wish there was more time in the day.. But then again, don't we all?

I want to go to Ireland.

Lets just go,

Monica.