10:01

Just a warning to myself: The post after this is very morbid and very sad. Last night wasn't the greatest.

(My emotions are at an all time high.. My period should start in a few days.)

This morning wasn't too great either. Scout had an accident on the rug next to the door because nobody let her out this morning. (Blake..)

So I was woken up half an hour before my alarm from an angry dad.

Had to clean it up. Then just to be a good daughter and get him back on my good side, 

I finally took down the Christmas tree

Vacuumed up the carpet

And loaded and unloaded the dishwasher. 

With my work schedule and 'life' schedule I guess in general, I haven't physically seen my family and probably about two weeks. Me and my dad are getting distant and it's getting shitty. I haven't been helping at all with the new house and I feel bad about that as well. Realizing it's more of his personal project for himself with Blake.

Yes we all will be living there together, but who knows how long I will live there. And that idea terrifies me and excites me. But I'm much more terrified.

I hate thinking about my future most of the time. I don't like thinking about having to be an adult, although I really have been since the age of 12.

There's just so much that's changing and going on and I'm just trying to keep up. I really don't want to work today and of course I work a long shift because Emmit has today off. 

That is how Holly has us scheduled all week.

We can give a big old thanks to the fucking childish Sam for that one. I have no respect for her, and now I'm just counting down the days until she leaves for school. (Which really won't be for months..) Her and Avery really just need to go.

I'm just bitter I suppose. I graduated high school 3 years ago. I avoided drama all 4 years and now I have to deal with it 3 years later at work? What the fuck is that?

If someone has a problem with me or something I do- come fucking talk to me. As uncomfortable as that may be- fucking get over it and just tell me. You don't have to run to Holly.

It's days like these that make me want to find a new job. But I can't afford to go back down to minimum wage. So I'm stuck in this fucking coffeeshop surrounded by young unworthy-of-their-job teenage girls. 

😠😒

Cross your fingers I don't cry and/or hit anyone today.

11:45pm

First day of the Spring semester was today. I had Intro to Digital Art & Design, ASL 2, and Pilates.
Not much was done in any class other than going over the syllabus. But I can tell that I will enjoy them all. Too early to tell which I like the most. Plus I haven't had my Human Sexuality class yet, which is only on Thursdays.

So school was fine.

During a break I had between my first and second class I stopped into work planning on editing some photos from me and Emmit's trip. Holly asked if I had a minute to talk with her and Em. We stepped outside and she had us decide what was acceptable behavior between the two of us. I wish she had just decided for us rather than let us decide. Luckily Emmit came to the rescue with his words and came to a good conclusion for the both of us.

Conversations with Holly seem to always make me feel less wonderful then I had before. Not exactly an easy person to talk to. I'm not sure if I brought that mindset and indifferent attitude with me in m head for the rest of my day but I may have. Luckily Sophie showed up and took my mind off things.

We had ASL 2 and Pilates together. Then after, Emmit and I met at Briar Patch for dinner. I watched him edit some photos from our trip and then we headed out.
We sat in my car as it warmed up and I guess all the crap in my head decided it needed to come out.

I told him how hard it was not having a plan. I'm so used to having a goal and knowing what I'm working so hard for- but I suppose I just don't know what I'm putting my effort towards.
Courtney is going to a cooking school. She is just so sure of it and I want to go away to school for something. I think photo is not exactly realistic (I'm being negative about life tonight.) I don't want to give up Photography, I've worked really hard for what I've done with it so far. I don't know my full potential with it. I don't know all my options. Therefore I believe I should give up. I could do graphic stuff and incorporate my photos to it. My artistic abilities and such. I feel I may be okay at that. But then I feel like I'm just copying Cru.

I explained how I found out my mom didn't have to pay child support anymore. And that whole conversation with my dad. How I didn't try to leave or look at schools because I knew if I stayed, my mom would be doing something as a parent. But the minute I turned 18 I found that was all a lie. I could have tried harder to leave, I could have just gone, I could be in a whole different place in life right now.. But I'm not. And at this point I don't want to be. I believe in fate.

I know that if she were a part of my life I would be such a completely different person. And I am so thankful for who I am currently. (for the most part.) I know her not being a part in my life is the best thing for me, but it's so hard sometimes. Being a little girl growing up into a young woman without a mom. Those are the years you need a mother figure the most. To teach you how to apply makeup, how a bra works, shave my legs. But it was really friends moms that I had to go to for that sort of information. Or teach myself.
It's not easy growing up and hating her more and more for disappearing over time.. all the way to the point where

you forget what she looks like.
sounds like.
the color of her eyes.
her laugh.
her smile.

It comes down to trying to remember anything you can, and hope it's a good memory.

But it's awful knowing that the most of them aren't.

I've been thinking about her for a few months now I bet.

Missing her, and not knowing if I should be mad at myself

for it. 

Wanting to just send her a text saying that I want her to meet me at this place and I need to talk to her.

I need to just get so much off my chest. She needs to know what she's done to her second born child.

I'm a realist. I know it's morbid, but because I haven't seen nor talked to her in years I don't know how she's doing. It she is sleeping under a roof or her own or in a cardboard box.

In a strangers bed or in a hostile.

I know nothing about her at this point. But if her past actions have continued  to now then she know only be doing worse. Since the last time I saw her, her teeth had either begun to decay away or she just didn't have any. It's hard to describe. It was like she was wearing a mouth guard. A really shitty mouth guard that her lipstick got stuck on and made her lips pucker out a little when they touched.

Something I can't explain to Blake when he asks me.

"What's on mom's teeth.. what is that stuff.."

And that's what kills me the most.

Like I said, I'm a realist. And no girl should ever have in the back of her mind,

"My mom could die today."

Each day the phone rings I just imagine it's a stranger telling me the news and me just on the other line choosing to accept it or not.

<------------------------------------->

Emmit kept telling me he was so proud of me, and it's one of the best things I could ever hear.

Although he was getting frustrated at himself for not being able to quite say what he felt or feel genuine with his saying it- I understood. Every word. And he said all the right things. He was the set of ears I didn't know I needed tonight.

Parking lots make for a lot of 'firsts'

like having your boyfriend see you cry for the first time.

And feeling him exhale tears on your shoulder right back.

Which I didn't know until now- is one of the best feelings.

<------------------------------------>

I don't know.. maybe it's just because so many things are happening and changing all in around the same time, and it's a lot to keep up with.

Me moving.

Emmit moving.

School.

Fucking work bullshit.

I know I'm a strong girl- but there are just nights like tonight where I really just wish I had a plan and the willpower to keep trudging through the tough times.

I suppose a good cry is necessary every now and then..

{I'll post photos from the trip tomorrow. Needed to just get things out of my head tonight.}

10:56pm

Alright. I did it.
No more making myself feel all gross in the pit of my stomach.
Only focusing on the present and future.

Woo Go Me!

Tumblr sucks, so from now on I'm only following artsy blogs of people who go on adventures and use real cameras. Film cameras especially! And build things like cabins and fires and whittle spoons.
Not girls that don't matter anymore that post nude photos (essentially).. to strangers online.
I mean if that's your thing- whatever.

#modestishottest

But not for me. I don't want to see the curves that once were touched by him. Once were even thought about.

Nopenopenope.

Now that site will be for photography inspiration or things to that effect.

It's kind of stupid why that was so hard for me. To press the little rectangular

unfollow button at the top of the page in the upper righthand corner.

For a while I thought I was being the bigger person.

And to an extent I still do- but I also understand why she would

do what I just did (who  knows how long ago).

It was almost too easy. I half expected a pop up to come to my screen that read:

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

But no such thing happened.

With one click I removed more than a person from my dash,

but a feeling. Afeeling, but even more so, a way I used to be.

Old high school girl Monica is gone.

New confident, 

trusting,

loving,

artistic,

curious,

passionate,

sexual,

& grown up Monica is here.

Welcoming 2014 with open arms to new experiences, adventures, and way of being.

I'm planning on being the best Monica I can be from here on out.

Which is such an exciting feeling!

I'm proud of myself for being so positive in this post, you would have never believed me if I told you I had a shit day. Real complete shit. (Exaggeration)..

Just a long, could-have-been-better kinda day. Worked with the 3 coworkers I just could do without.

Then the bad mood I got from them, I felt I was getting from customers.

All round no bueno.

I locked myself away in the back and made beautifully round cookies and listened to Ben Howard pandora. Just kinda tried to listen to the words to every song that came on and think about the story that was being said, rather than focusing on my current one.

Finally work came to an end and Em and I went and got ice cream real food at Fred's. Which was necessary and really quite delicious. Had some soup which was good for my throat (still feeling under the weather) and chow mien.

<<----------------------------->>

Man oh man! forgot to mention the great time that was had last night!

The Caroline's crew and some of my friends all attended black light bowling and it was a compete 

b l a s t!

Beau, Em, Courtney, Traece, Austin, Brooke (Traece's lass), and myself were all playing and it was such a great group of people.

The first game I hit 2 strikes in a row and was just playing really well! I even ended up breaking 100 and winning the round!

Game 2 Emmit kinda got my mojo and hit a turkey which of course led to winning that game. (But only by one point!) We sure make a good team. (:

There are little things I could probably add to this post but I'll give it a day or so. See if they are worth mentioning/remembering.

One thing I cannot forget to remind you/future me is that  the day after tomorrow

me and my love are going on our road trip!

My last 'WooRah' before school.

A chance to get out and breathe some good fresh mountain air with my favorite guy. 

A chance to go photo crazy! I'm pumped!

Okay okay.. I have a big day ahead of me starting in a few hours.

Better get to bed.

goodnight blog.

12:36pm

On my lunch break, feeling kinda stuffy. Woke up through out the night with a sore throat when I swallowed. (Fear of strep..) But that went away but instead a stuffy head, ears, and nose took its place. Elyse is in the process of convincing me I have allergies but I've never had them before so I'm weary to believe it. Although the symptoms sure are making me believe my immune system is starting to weaken or something.

On a brighter note, I've been keeping busy and having fun with Em. Things are continuing to go just swimmingly. Falling more and more in love with him as time goes on. Last night Blake (Bardsley), Austin, Em, and myself all had a little bon fire night with s'mores and laughs. It was great and the fact that Emmit and my best friends are all getting along and becoming friends themselves is fantastic.
I had no doubts that everyone would get along, but it's great to just see every ones interactions and such. Find who has what in common, he also met Traece since I am borrowing a lens from him for the 4 day trip Emmit and I are taking in the next few days.
Tonight I've invited all of my friends mentioned as well as a few of the Carolines crew for Black Light Bowling- which I have no doubts should be fun as hell.

Emmit's birthday is soon following as well. The last of the first. (January 31st). Although this trip is a week early- we will celebrate his becoming a 20 year old for those 4 days.

Lets see, what else is going on in my life that I have yet to document..

- lunch break ended -

Well I have been editing photos again! I suppose that is something new.

I always forget just how much relief it brings whilst editing.

It's just pretty soothing to get back into something that once brought me much joy.

It can't be unseen.

New Years

Working on some long exposures.

I can't begin to tell you how nice it is to see photos of my own back on my blog.

I mean it brings me back to my first few posts that started it all. (One of) the many purposes of this damn thing. I want to document my life and everything that may (or may not) be important.

Days as simple as these, that I may forget in the future and I pray I don't. It's days like these that matter. That count. 

You know the saying:

"stop and smell the roses"

Well there are  f u l l  days that need to be recognized such as this. Walks with Sophie at Empire Mine. Simple talks with her when I explain what aperture is and just lose myself in what I'm saying. 

Macro photos are also sort of an example of this. They are really what I first fell in love with when I discovered what photography was. I have always loved details when it comes to photos or even drawing so taking the little shots along the way with Sophie made me feel really nice. 

I hope I'm not forgetting anything important.. 

Not like I can't come back if I do remember. 

So-

Until next time.

9:38am

I have no complaints.
Today shall be grand.
Posting shall continue later today.

Have a lovely day folks.

12:30am

Such. A. Nice. Day.


I went to Barnes & Noble for the first time the other day. Purchased a sketchbook that looks and feels like Tom Riddle's diary. But with graph paper inside. And I also got some ASL flashcards.

Even better today my best friend Cru took photos of me early this morning on a lovely trail and so I got a nice bit of exercise as well as lovely photos of myself! Which never happens due to lack of knowledgeable family members and friends when it comes to cameras.

So yeah- 2014 is fucking rad. And I'm not even going to knock on wood because I just know it will continue.

I've had Monday and Tuesday off (like normal) and then I get tomorrow off too, and Emmit does too! It's just like the best week ever. Then we got our days off that we asked for. 21-24th.
So January is just kicking ass. I just feel so inspired to make this year count. 

• I'm excited for school and my classes.
• I'm excited for work-kinda.
• I'm excited for adventure and doing things.
• Being active.
• Friends.
• New house, room, furniture, etc.
• Photos/art
• Emmit..especially Emmit.

This will be our year. I feel good.

9:01pm

My hands and fingers are still a bit shaky. I must admit. I wasn't expecting to have such a good/nerve-wracking/wonderful/much needed talk this evening.

Things in my head that I only talk about on here in private or to Courtney were said. And it feels so nice to have just put so much out there. To have someone I can so easily talk to, who I know will understand my stuttering when I get a bit shaken up about a subject or whatnot.

Sam and Hana were brought up as well as drugs and alcohol.

That already gives you an idea of how much my hands were shaking. 

I told him my thoughts and my "New Years Resolution" to stop following Hana on certain social networks to relieve myself from some over-thinking. {Which leads to making myself feel ill.} We came to the conclusion that she most likely still does have feelings for him and most likely always will. Until she exits this phase and realizes how exhausting it will be. Just as Sam needs to. 

Emmit and myself realize that neither of us have anything to worry about since we understand just how much we feel and care for each other. But it was still really nice to finally get out my over-thinking.. not necessarily worries, more like stories in my head. And even that still could have been worded better.

I'm not going to get into full details of what was said since I'm not sure I can write it all down let alone recall it all. 

What I will remember and carry with me for months if not years is what he told me near the end of our conversation.

His promise to me. To show how much he cares, how much I influence him- to be a better person and remember what he believed years ago-

He is no longer going to smoke weed.

I know to anyone else right now this means so little. But with my views on things and how big a deal it truly is -to me- I cried.

Not to compare anyone, but Sam never did that nor would he have.

I'm grateful that any and all my friends really were respectful when it came to that, by not smoking around me and whatnot, but no one has ever made this huge of a promise to me.

I just can't express how grateful I am for this human.

  

He told me how Hana was the real reason he started to smoke in the first place. Which I had no idea. Her mom smokes and so in a sense, "she peer pressured him"- he actually said that.

He did explain he is a curious person and therefore thats why he continued to 'experiment' with things. Which I suppose is understandable. I still feel that no one should be experimenting until at a 'legal' age. 

Which then brings me to what I've been thinking about lately.

My birthday is coming up, and it's my 21st. I've been.. overthinking.. and then rethinking.

I keep telling everyone how I'm not planning on drinking on my birthday. Because I've been grouped into the label of "Straightedge."

I did not put myself there, but once everyone explained it to me and I fit in {due to my personal choices} thats what I became. Now I have a label and a reputation to uphold. I wasn't aware how much pressure that would bring me. I thought I was doing all this for myself. To be the person my mom isn't. Not even temp myself to dip into her ways. But now I'm trying to put together my thoughts and beliefs.

I'm still kinda figuring it out but I guess I've come to a more open mind about what I plan on drinking on the 15th of March.

Our conversation isn't quite over since he had to go home to help him mom with her website stuff. But all in all, I just think everything just couldn't have gone better.

Like I keep saying, I'm so grateful. And just truly in love.

Until next time.