9:04pm

My emotions are really attacking me tonight. I'm stressing myself out over nothing, although my nothing's are something's. But tonight I broke down and cried to my dad and brother.

I was sitting in my room watching tv and I just got this sudden feeling of being lonley.

Dad and Blake were just outside talking with the neighbor and I put on a sweatshirt and went outside for a bit. Which helped. But then we all came inside and I had to tell somebody. And next thing I know tears are spilling down my cheeks.

The past few nights I've spent with Emmit and I just got a bit too used to that. And I think tonight it really has hit me that he is going to Peru. Really soon. And I'm so excited for him, but a month is quite some time. And I'm going to miss his back and skin and everything. I miss him each night that he's not with me.

And like I've said before, I'm not like that. Which is my continuous reminder that this is what love feels like.

We recently went camping for a night with Aidan, Matt, Kyle, and us of course..

It was beautiful. We went to Big Bald Rock in Oroville. Everything was going great, whiskey was present- which may have been a bad idea in my part but not really. I just far too much.

The next part I'm going to try and make short. Because it still makes my stomach churn.

I started to feel sick and Emmit helped me to my sleeping bag. I may have slept for an hour or more? Emmit started to come lay down and I instantly could tell. I asked him and he answered with what I didn't want to hear.

He had been smoking weed.

My eyes started to well up with the more questions I asked. It wasn't the first time he had done it again since he made the promise to me months prior either. Which is what hurt the most. I started to cry. I pushed away from him. I clenched my fist and hit his back with all my disappointment. I didn't want to believe what I had just found out.

The next morning we all packed up and left. We hung out in his car in the parking lot before the trail and talked about it. We both cried. And put things out there. We were better the rest of the day. We've had a few more conversations about it. About how he feels like shit for losing my trust. I just keep trying to make it not as big a deal as it truly is. I don't want to believe that this has happened.

We still haven't figured out what is going on or what to do just yet. But we both live each other. Our conversations keep getting better. But it still is hard for me to know that he has "changed his mind" about weed. It hurts me so much inside to know he couldn't hold that to me. No one else had ever done that for me before. He made himself different. Now he's not as strong to me. I told him I understand that I can't expect him to make a decision right now, but I can't wait forever. Either he is still "not done" or he is. But he reminds me it not that easy.

It's just another thing I have to add to my plate. All my worries are for Emmit right now. I suppose I shouldn't say all, but the vast majority are. Him going to Peru, him smoking again, his choice in school, leaving it staying in the fall, etc..

So much is happening all at once and I'm being crushed by it all. School ended and I should be relieved, but I'm not.

Work is giving me no hours and then they are, so that's confusing. Do I leave- or stay?

We just moved and I'm so close to everything that I feel like I should be out doing something since it's so convenient. And school is no longer a time issue. I have time to spare and I'm overwhelmed. 

My mind is racing. At least 10 thoughts per second and I'm physically making myself ill. Headaches. Stomach churning. Never hungry. Shaky. Panic attacks. It's not okay.

I'm not sure what I need. Rest? I've tried it. And it works but then half the time it doesn't. I've only been able to actually sleep in naturally 1x since we have moved in. I'm not sure what that tells you. But I think it has something to do with the hardwood flooring echoing, and the sunshine bright in my window waking me up. (Which are good or okay things- so I can relax about that one.)

I'm not sure. I suppose I just need to look at things in a logical manner. Put sense to all I can.

Get organized. Focus my time on other things. Stop analyzing everything and being crazy. Put the phone down.

I suppose I would be a hypocrite if I didn't stop there. I should rest my burning eyes anyways.

As a reflex I wanted to type:

I love you Em.

Which was kinda strange considering we stopped texting for the night. But I'll just leave it there.

Goodnight 

4:23pm

First off:

Thank you.

#momentsofiloveyou

The other day I scared you, as much as I scared myself. My body sure has a way of telling me that I shouldn't keep things bottled up. The shaking, numbness, and crying of my first REAL anxiety attack was a bit too scary in my opinion.

But you comforted me and never let me go. You heard what I had to say and listened. Confirmed that my worries were unnecessary. It was all very good to hear, and I hope that I don't let her or things like that get to me anymore. Or at least make sure to be open about it with you. It's a scary thing to talk about and I'm glad you understand that. But this, US, means too much to let an uncomfortable conversation get the best of me.

I shouldn't be as stressed as I am. School is finally over, thank goodness. And we are practically all done moving. Just the last bits at the old house. I'm still not working much. But we will see if this is a continuous pattern.

I got an application to Ben Franklins again and am almost done filling it out. But the thought of having yet another thing change along with everything else is a bit overwhelming. Plus a family friend brought up my pay will not only go down but I won't receive tips. Which not only is  a plus at Caroline's but sometimes a very necessary form of instant payment.

GAH. I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO.

So I'm just not going to think about it for a while. Summer just started and I'm not going to let my brain ruin some down time.

Emmit just about has everything squared away for Peru. Leaving the 11th of next month. So, much spending time together with friends drinking, laughing, smiling, loving, and such will happen.

I'm really excited for him. It hadn't quite hit me yet that he is leaving but thought of him at the airport makes my eyes start to well up a bit. But all in the best way possible.

I can't wait to see photos and videos. I hope that communication won't be difficult. Fingers crossed.

What else is new? Hmmm.. I suppose those were the biggest things.

Last night we had a group over at Emmits and we all were drinking and had a good time. My body must be becoming tolerant to alcohol in my system since this is the 3rd time (well 2nd time) I've been quite drunk. And I hold it all down and feel fine the next day.

That may be super lame to be noting but it's just kinda something I realized and it helps make drinking not a bad thing and whatnot. It's nice to just let go every now and then.

And the sex while still feeling it is quite another sensation itself. Car sex may hurt my back the next morning, but is ever worth it in the moment. Not holding back with my noises and having him talk to me is amazing. We just work well together.

I suppose I should get back to packing up my old room.

Until next time. 

3:38pm

One final down. Feel pretty okay about it. It was intro to digital art and design. There were one or two parts I could have done but all in all I did it. We critique in Monday. And it's required to show up. It's shitty but oh well.

Currently sitting in the clinic to get more birth control.

Don't have asl today since Sophie and I have our final tomorrow. So she will stay the night tonight and we will practice telling our stories again. We are so close.

Kinda odd that we are just about done. Wednesday- then freedom.

<------------------>

I took scout on a fantastic walk this morning. Just followed the NID but not right off Liquidambar. We walked where Emmit and I had explored before I had moved in. We went pretty far, I'd hope it was at least a mile but I think it was probably more. So let's say 2, that means I walked 4 all together. There were some absolutely g o r g e o u s spots. I want to take photos out in the woods there. Just outside the trail itself.

There were these trees that just stood out. So graceful and the light hit them just right. It was breathtaking.

I just wanted everyone to see it. Especially Emmit. Soon we will walk there and I'll show him what I saw.

It's so nice to have that just in my backyard. I'm lucky.

5:29pm

Hey guess what. My last post, I was about to start my period and I was in a completely strange place. I was overthinking something that is really so stupid.

I must remind myself that I have you. I get to kiss you and hug you, touch you, have amazing sex with you, most importantly, love you.

I've already won. And I continue to do so everyday I wake up.

Sure she is now your 'best friend' on snapchat due to snapping her the most. But it's okay. You are friends and I trust that whatever photo she sends you is related to art or something completely not sexual or anything of that matter. Because she should know better than to send anything of that nature to you. Especially now that she is seeing someone and you and I have been together for quite some time now.

I trust you as well. I'm not going to let my mind wander any further as to what part she may play in your life. I will do myself the favor to focus on you.

Focus on Peru.

On Portland.

On work.

Home.

Art.

Me.

The semester is so close to being over. I just have to make it through a few more days then it is camping, exploring, art making, and friends from then on. I want to get back into Fools Gold and make it official. Because I fell into a bit of a funk 3/4ths of the way through the semester (as I tend to do) and my motivation for Fools Gold went along with it. I had to focus on the house and moving. I probably didn't post much in that time either.

But now I have priorities. Since some stressful things (like the move) have gone to rest, I can put others to life.

I want to create. And use my hands while I have the time to. Summer and fall. Clear my head. Save up. And make accomplishable goals.

I'm getting excited again. Looking at the positives and doing stuff. I'm not sure how else to put it.

But I guess my main goal in this post was to I suppose, appologize for my outburst in the previous post. (If you even read it). 

I'm not that girl. Sure I'll get nervous and such but I won't be crazy. That scares me. And I scared myself. But I have let my worries fade and put homework and finals stuff in its place. And your smile. I look at you nearly everyday and that's my reminder. You are my reminder that I am fine and shouldn't worry. Your trustful eyes and your soft lips caressing mine is enough. I'm lucky.

We had a small moment the other day where we looked back at how we kinda met and how I made the first move. I told myself I wanted to be friends with you. When I named Henry. And we hung out everyday in art. We drew and made jokes. We became each other's best friends. And slowly maybe even fell in love. It just took us a few good years later to realize it and act on it. And man am I ever thankful that we did. Bad things fell apart between people who were not meant to be, which allowed us to fall together.

Thinking that I am kissing that boy I met back in the art room is crazy to me. I'm with that boy. It gives me goosebumps and a silly feeling in my stomach. So thank you. And I love you.

To the moon and back. Like crazy.

10:10pm

The little green monster is coming out and I really want it to go away.

I'm not really envious, I have you.

But seeing that there is still contact being made and it's somewhat hidden is worrisome. But not really even, I understand you are friends but when it kinda seems like you don't want me to know that's when my stomach get queezy.

I hate myself for starting to get like this. This isn't who I am.

Yeah you guys snap chat. Or comment or like photos on Facebook or Instagram.. (And I think it's wise that she doesn't follow either of us any longer and it's great that she has found someone new) I just need to remind myself you guys stayed friends. And Sam and I did not. Not that I'm in anyway jealous that you remained friends with an ex and I didn't- it's not that at all.

I guess I just am a little jealous.

We never snap anymore. And it sounds fucking stupid to be getting even the slightest bit upset over but like I've said before- I 100% trust you. I just can't trust her. Not with her personality and past/current/continuing disorders.

And so many changes are happening right now in my world like the official move into the new house and trying to get a new job. Not to mention the thought of you leaving me for a month.

It's a shit ton to really grasp. And I'm doing my best to keep up but I really would rather have her not be something I need to worry about. And that is so selfish of me to even say- I know. But this is my safe place and I need to say it.

If you would just openly tell me that you guys are talking regularly, I would be fine. I would have no choice but to grasp that and understand. Sure it may be kinda hard to hear but at least you had the guts to be honest with me. I can't even be completely honest with you.. I have to come to a fucking blog and write how I feel in hopes of you reading it. I'm still nervous and I get a sick feeling in my stomach when her name is brought up. I'm sorry but it's the truth.

I just spent the day with you. You went back to your place since you work in the morning and I went to mine. But I already miss you. I feel like I'm overdoing it sometimes and borderline klingly and that freaks me out. I hate those kind of people.. And now I worry I may be too smothering. But I have never felt so attached and protective of another person before. I was the kind of person who had never seen a healthy relationship so I didn't believe love existed. And now I feel this.. This strong desire for you. I love you Emmit. So much it hurts sometimes. And I scare myself sometimes thinking about the future and even the present but I just know I want you in it. 100%.

As much as you'll have me in it.

I don't want to be jealous. I want to just love you. I tell myself to just put my little feelings in the back of my head when it comes to you and her, but now I'm just scaring myself. And I need you to tell me I'm fine. We are totally fine (although I already know) and that she is nothing to worry about. I just need you to tell me what is going on in that head of yours. Just talk to me. Tell me whatever, even if it may be something I don't want to hear, because at least then I won't make up my own stories and then have to go to bed and have bad dreams like I have been.

Stop Monica. Just stop. Your relationship is fine. Don't put shit in places when there is nothing wrong. 

11:25pm .. 8:23pm

{Author's note: this post took me several days to finally put together. I dragged it out as long as possible. But having it still meander in my head for as long as I've allowed it has become unhealthy. More so than the event itself.}

So where do I begin?

I should have documented on the exact day, but I was a bit overwhelmed.

On May 4th my mom came into Caroline's. What I'd been having nightmares about ever since I got the job. It had been maybe about 5~ years since my last actual visit. I think my junior year of high school was about the time.

She showed up with Brad. It wasn't much of a visit. We were in the middle of a rush. I was in the back by the toaster when I saw her. Practically having a conversation with Beau. And just walked right out. Instinctually came around the counter and gave her a hug. Looked at Emmit and mouthed "this is my mom".

It was like straight out of a movie.

Although he could tell. Something in him knew it was her when she walked in, and the minute I walked out from behind the espresso machine- he was sure. I made her a drink and had small talk between customers.

Mentioned Blake's arm. How he had a cast and if he was alright. I asked her how she knew about that and she stumbled out "oh the hospital called me, and sent me a bill."

I rolled my eyes and continued on.

It's a little hard to almost recall it all even after a few days. There wasn't much to be said, seeing as how not much happened. But just as any other unplanned visit I couldn't function properly. Between each drink my hands were shaking. I had to remind myself to breathe. Counted the minutes till she left.

Allowed others to take their lunch before me so I wouldn't be gifting her with a full 30 attentive minutes of my life. But she never asked if I had a lunch, She didn't want me for that long. Because God only knows what I could be capable of. She was far too nervous that I would interrogate her, I'm sure. So we both lucked out on that part. Neither of us had to commit to anything.

There were some very uncomfortable moments that stuck with me. One I already mentioned- Blake and his cast. Then she continued to bring up events and such that she would have no way of knowing unless she saw photos or read somewhere on a Facebook page.
The whole time she was there she would look at me and say how "into this" she was, how pretty I was, and things to that effect. Just trying to soak me all in.
Not only was she staring at me she kept her eyes fairly locked on Emmit. She knew who he was without even an introduction.
Just a bit before she left she pulled me aside- since the rush had finally died down -and asked me about my tattoos, hair, school, interests, etc. (When I defined Que Sera, Sera she took a minute and nodded and said she liked it. Completely oblivious to the fact it has so much to do with her. I got so warm and angry when I defined it that I want to just yell. Rub it in her face and show her how much it means to me that I'm a powerful individual without her.)
Anyways- back to her making me feel uncomfortable..
She tries to make small talk while asking personal questions.
After talking a bit about life, of course she asks if I have a boyfriend. I say yes I do and then she decides to follow that up with.... does he work here?
I stumble over hearing such a precise question that she already knew the answer to.

Of all the possible ways for you to ask me that? Really.. you could have done a little better at hiding the fact that you are stalking me via the Internet. So I answer and say yes, actually he does. The minute after she looks over at Emmit. And that's where our conversation stopped.
We hugged goodbye. She told me she loved me and things moms are supposed to say. And it was so hard to say it back and not want to mean it as much as I did. Hard not to squeeze a bit tighter, hold on maybe a bit too long. She brought me int this world and walked right out of it without as much as an explanation. So although I felt completely violated I still ached for the long lost women I hadn't seen in years.
She looked awful. Her hair was longer than the last time I'd seen her. But just as curly. Its starting to grey in the front. It's odd that she would let it grow out like that since I'd grown up remembering grandma dying it. She always gave me the little packets of conditioner since she only used the shampoo. It always made my hair so soft.
Her teeth are just as nonexistent as ever. I'm not quite sure who she is fooling with that mouth guard type thing.
Which she sort of has on the bottom now. Although its not pristine and leveled down like the top. It's more like a dull grey brown.
She doesn't seem any thinner than the last time I saw her. Her chest has flattened out a tad but she has always been fairly little in more places. Never overweight, although she would disagree.
Her bangs are crazy but fit her, her penciled on eyebrows are absolutely atrocious. Utterly absurd and look that of a clown. Yet somehow I see past them. I've always known her to draw them on, but she had a better artists eye back then apparently. Hasn't quite kept up with the ages.

She just looks like she is withering away from ever being someone I knew.

I had some courage to ask her some questions myself. Finally gathered some up and played her games back. Tried to ask her some questions nonchalantly. I asked things like "what are you doing today? essentially, "why are you here?'" She told me she "just wanted to go for a drive and see me." Nothing about trying to see Blake might I add. Which I suppose is what I was trying to get down to. Wondered if she was going to try and see him too. Which she didn't. She mentioned how "grandma is loosing her memory. All of her family is dying".. how convenient that one of her brothers died a few days prior and the memorial was held the day before she 'came to see me'.
I asked where she was at now, I found out that she lives in Lincoln. She replied with "you didn't know that?" I said "no. I wasn't sure."

It has been a few days since she stopped in. And it's already starting to become difficult to recall everything that was said.
Which like I said before, all in all wasn't much.

After she left I went on my lunch and instantly called my dad. Without hesitation burst into tears. All I had to say was "Guess who came into Caroline's.." and he knew. He sympathized and told me to call Charisse. I did and she sympathized as well, but mores got upset. She was pissed that she felt it was okay to just stop by. Oh, I forgot to mention that she had called prior to making her trip. She called the store and asked if I as working today. Corrie answered and said yes. That was all she needed to know and hung up. I asked Corrie about it, like if it was a man or  woman that asked and she said woman but that was all she knew.
So by the end of Charisse and I's conversation she asked me to send her the number I had for her. She asked if I wanted her to call her and tell her to stop. I said I wasn't sure. Trying to grasp the idea of my mom completely staying away. That would mean I would never know where she lived. If she was alive or not. I wouldn't have any hope lying in the back of my mind of her ever sending the happy holiday's texts (which stopped about a year or two ago..) but when I got them, at least I knew she was still breathing.
Trying to grasp the concept of her disappearing entirely was a bit too much for me to handle in that moment. But I sent her our mom's telephone number because she decided it was best for her to call. I told her I needed to know exactly what she said and how she responded. She ended up leaving a voicemail. All she told me was that she made it clear how she felt and had a tone in doing so. didn't leave me with much..
<-------->
Just the other day she text me and let me know that she had 2 big boxes full of memories and things blake and I might want. I told her I'm sure we would like them and that I'd be happy to meet her again to grab them when she decide to make another trip into Grass Valley. Which of course opened a can of worms entailing 'if we had moved' and 'why don't you want me to know' etc.. I didn't want her to know where we lived obviously and I could tell she was beginning to get upset. I told her I'd meet her halfway at Target or anything. Tried to make things easier on her and everything. She eventually stopped replying after I told her I could do it on Saturday since I didn't have work and I sure as hell wasn't going to put myself into the awful situation of meeting her today.. Mothers Day.
She finally replied Saturday telling me that she wouldn't make it down that day. Brad wasn't feeling well. He was in the hospital and has been in and out for a week or so. I didn't care much so I replied with, "that's alright, hope everything is okay." She tried to continue the conversation but I wasn't having it. We were moving that day and I wasn't going to waste my time on her continuing to flake on me.

I haven't heard from her since. But we are just about all moved in. Stayed our first night there and it feels nice.

Trying to spend my energy looking at the positives although a lot more is on my plate than ever before. But I'll save that for a few days from now perhaps. I know I should just continue and describe what is going on in my life but I really need that to be in a completely separate post. So until I find time to get back into a cafe with internet (none at home yet with the move.) my brain will just have to hold tight.

It feels nice to finally push myself and put this moment into words.

11:17am

The car show was a few days ago. And of course it was busy. There was a moment when I asked for a small amount of help from Courtney. Things weren't handled well on her part, and I felt I couldn't have done anything better.

I started this post perhaps a week or so ago. And I stopped since I was busy. I ended up scaring myself into believing I was to be fired do to Courtney. This did not happen but it was just another moment when I realized how two faced and vindictive she could be.

It has continued to be rough at Carolines. 

<----------------->

3:10pm

Things I've recently noticed about myself:

• I love listening to my dad sing, even if they are country songs.

• I love listening to people play instruments in unsual places or out in the open for all to hear.

• I miss having deep conversations with my aunt, but I'm happy for her new life with the twins.

• My problems are my own.

• And so is my future.

• I favor purple and blue flowers, since they are more uncommon I suppose.

A small sketch to live by. Even if it is just a cat and some arrows.