11:53pm

Short post: had my second wedding tonight. Ryan Wells mom's. I was practically doing it alone, other than the shots Winter got for herself. It went so incredibly well in my opinion. Makes me reconsider weddings all together. I'm not sure if we/I are getting paid- but it sure would be nice.. With anniversaries (mine) and birthdays coming up.

My sisters, Sam's, and my dads are all right after another in November.

I work the long shift tomorrow, so I have to get some rest- but just wanted to document my wonderful day off. I'm sure I'll post some photos- once edited. I seem to always forget how much enjoyment I get from taking pictures.

Goodnight dear blog. 

8:57pm

I just finished season one of American Horror Story. I along with many other girls I'm sure, have guiltily fallen in love with the emotion wreck, Tate. Luckily, Sam is very similar in many ways so it's almost like I'm dating a celebrity in my head.
I get to play Emma Roberts. (Seeing as how they are dating.)

Not much to note for the past few days. I spent the night with Sam at the apartment for the first time. We saw the new Superman right after a long crazy busy day at work. And I hadn't really eaten anything but 2 cupcakes and some juice at Charisse's Mary Kay Launch Party. So I was feeling pretty nauseous. Which then means I was most likely being pretty rude to Sam. We just cuddled in bed for a bit and ate some crackers and hummus, while watching Lars and the Real Girl. Which he ended up falling asleep to. We had sex.. for like 4 minutes..
He is just really sensitive and we have just come to the conclusion that we need to wear condoms. It's really just a good thing in disguise. Regardless of feeling- it's safe.

I'm working a lot and it's just sort of adding up I think.. Because for the past few days I've been feeling really weak and nauseous, etc.
No.. not pregnant signs. Just signs of needing a vacation.

The wedding with Winter is coming up this Saturday. Slightly terrified.

I'll practically be doing it all on my own. But according to her, the bride has very low expectations.

Which is comforting.

I would just feel more at ease if I had a second photographer there.

We will just see how things go. I haven't asked about money, but I sure as hell hope I get something for this. I need to save to get out of here.

Nicole is moving with Christian to SLO. Going to a community college there.

I can't deny I'm partially jealous that she is getting out of this town, but the other half of me is so glad I'm not her. In my most honest opinion- Christian and her should not be together. You brake up once.. I just get nervous after that.

If she feels she is doing what is right though.. then more power to her.

Cru and are have been talking. Just about little things. Mostly work or life goals or plans, art, etc. Which is really nice.

There will always be that physical attraction, but I love Sam. And I'm not going to mess that up. 

(Not that I had any intentions.) But you know. It's just nice to talk to an old friend about common interests again.

End note: The weather was lovely today. Nice and cloudy with a slight drizzle and some wind.

I cannot begin to explain how excited I am to wear pants tomorrow..

& with that, I must try to sleep. I clearly need my rest for yet another morning shift. (Can't complain too much..)

10:44pm

I want to know what happened to all the older Degrassi kids. The ones from the New Generation, but the first class. The ones I grew up with.

Paige: the bitch.

Spinner: the class clown.

Manny: the actress/slut.

Emma: the nerd/anorexic.

Craig: the emotional photographer.

Etc.

We all know where Jimmy, or should I say Drake .. is.

Even though his real name is Audrey or something.

But I want to know where they all are.

Yes I understand they went to college- or not. 

Got jobs- or not.

But where are they now?

Not just as the characters in the television show, but as people too.

I'm sure they are doing pretty well, considering they were all young actors/actresses.

I suppose I only ask all this, because they had always been my role models in a weird way.

Degrassi was my soap opera. It was the show that showed me how to survive severe high school scenarios. nothing that crazy ever happened at NU of course.. but I knew what to do if there were a school shooting, or a science project. How to properly lose my virginity, say yes or no to drugs, etc.

So what did they do after high school.

What am I supposed to do now?

I need guidance. I need someone to help me make the big choices I'm still not ready to make.

I need a sign.

I, as well as some other girls at work, finally got raises.

I say some- because I guess not all of us did. 

I had mentioned it to Courtney and she said that she did not.

So.. it's interesting.

I was unaware that ever happened.

Only a select few girls.

I'm not sure.

Yes- I am grateful and happy about my raise. Hopefully I can now work a bit less and still make the same amount, or even better- work the same amount and make more.

The hard part is, I'm still pretty unhappy there.

After talking to Becky about more struggles with Avery, things tonight were better.

Minus everyone crying.

Olivia had a really tough customer. Bitch of a lady. And ended up making her cry.

I felt awful for her. I mean come on.. She's bee here a few weeks. ITS JUST COFFEE?!

Then Courtney was tearing a bit because she doesn't feel as though Holly is being very nice to her.

I'm not sure. I'm just grateful that I don't have to deal with all that drama, considering she is dating Andrew. And she fully plans on marrying Andrew. So Holly will then become her family..

Non of which sounds entirely wonderful.

But I must admit, as I was walking to my car with Courtney, I was venting. And my eyes had swelled a tad too. I'm just figuring out what to do. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells at this point. Holly gave me the assignment to "thank Avery for one thing every day."

Fuck that. (Although I still did it..)

I shouldn't have to do all I can o please Avery. We are all sensitive here. She plays this "I'm a hardass" type but then has to be babied? Get out of the fucking coffee shop if you can't handle the steam.

If Courtney leaves, and Vaughn and Kim are in August/July.. who and what is next? More hiring? More training?

It's hell.

It's pressure and not easy all the time.

So what do I do?

At this point I have to keep working and putting money away for Portland.

Otherwise I will forever be broke, unhappy, and who knows what else.

I used to make just enough for them to keep me. Now I make 50¢ more and that isn't enough but again, just more cement in my shoes.

Perhaps I'm just over-thinking it all. There are good days. I can't deny that. But I guess the bad days or days in that realm are more plentiful then that of the other variety.

I don't like Holly's parenting. She treats her 6 and 8 year old more like adults then she does with her employees. She reminds me of how my dad used to treat me. He would expect the physical and mental maturity/responsibility of a 30 year old, but would treat me like I'm 6.

It's only in some cases though.

How Khrista stayed for 5 years and never seemed sad to be there is beyond me.. I truly do not understand..

Oh well. Like I said. I must be letting it all get to me. Letting it all add up and then I hold it all in until I explode. That is why I blog. To get some sort of something out of me so that I don't just explode.

I need a vacation. Something. Something to get me back into my old happy state of mind.

I just got back from our annual camping trip at Rollins with Aunt Penny and everybody. I could only stay for 3 days and 2 nights due to work, but really that was plenty of time.

It's always wonderful to see my aunt and family as well as family friends.. but this year it may have just been me, but I was at least at first- getting a different vibe.

I even told my aunt that. As well as Blake. Both of which said they had felt it too.

I assumed it was my nose ring, and tattoo. But it was more then that I think.

It was the twins and everyone else.

I hadn't gone in 2 years. And it's amazing how much someone can grow or change in that amount of time. I guess I should look in the mirror when I say that. I mean, I have straight teeth and a tattoo now. But I'm still the same person I think. As well as everyone else I guess.

But we all look a bit different.

My aunt felt bad since Blake and I had left early. She felt it was her fault. Felt that she wasn't entertaining us properly. Which wasn't the case at all. 

You have two 2 year old twins. What are we supposed to expect? for you to sprout a few more arms and become Octo-mom? Of course not.

We were plenty entertained. Just had to work.

Charisse's first Mary Kay party is tomorrow morning. Should be fun.

Hopefully I can get some time off for 4th of July. So that will be a bit of a vacation. 

Florida is next month.

(And so many weddings are happening soon.. yikes..)

Portland is scheduled for August 14th-19th.

School starts the 26th or something..

And then Janna comes around that week too.

It's not much of a summer break when I'm working like a dog and have so much stuff happening.

I'm not entirely complaining though. Just about the hard parts..

Alright, well.. now that quite a bit has been said, I feel somewhat better.

We shall see how long that lasts.

I have a long day ahead of me.. I need some beauty sleep.

Goodnight sweet blog. Sweet dreams.

12:33pm

Yesterday I had a really nice talk with my older sister Charisse. She is now a Mary Kay representative and I'm going to be her model.
We talked quite a bit about Sam and such and I had told her that we had sex. For me it was pretty nonchalant. I'm not ashamed or wanting to hide it at all. Even if my dad asked me I'd tell him honestly.
Even though I'm almost positive he already has an idea that we have been sexually active.

My sister is truly my best friend. I feel so at ease talking to her and telling her just about anything. She is there to answer my questions if I have any- now regarding sex and birth control.
We may even go look for a doctor for me and get ready for PAP Smears and other birth control options. Just part of the whole growing up thing. Three cheers for womanhood..

I'm quite excited to be getting tons of free makeup on Monday, and Sunday-Wednesday I'll be camping with my Aunt Penny and family. I haven't gone in a few years so I'm excited to finally have some time off work to spend with the parts of family that I  haven't seen for a while.

Sam works all those days so he will hopefully be able to come down before then or something.

I can tell he is kinda sad and gets the feeling we haven't seen each other in a while.

I know it hasn't been too long, but the days between when we don't se each other are long and seem like quite sometime. It just shows me that he really does miss me and enjoy my company.

After a few days of not seeing each other, I can tell he is sort of moody and almost bitter. Just from missing me and kind of getting the feeling that I'm not making the effort to see him. So I'll cuddle with him and give him back rubs and just touch him a lot- because I think thats the way I show my affecting for him. And then things go back to being normal and better. He gets happy and loving and the sadness or bitterness goes right away.

8:48pm

Oh dear blog.. the mood I am in. (A good one for a change!) Although today was in incredibly non-productive day. It being my day off, I normally tend to try and accomplish thing I normally would not be able to on a day that I had to work. Today on the other hand was not one of those days. I had laid in bed watching Whats Eating Gilbert Grape- which I loved. And then proceeded to cuddle with Scout for the majority of the morning.

Sam came over around noon, and then napped for the main time he was here.

Yes, I'm happy for his new independence for his dads house. (Which wasn't all that bad)

But being at the apartment with Danielle and Holly isn't exactly great for his already outrageous sleeping patterns. I told him that tonight he should try to actually sleep at a normal hour. He then promised he would. 

We almost showered together today. But I chickened out. The nice thing is, we have many more chances to come.

Today is the eleventh. Meaning that two days ago was our Five Month.

He was officially my longest relationship three months ago.

And I can't really document enough, how happy I truly am.

I know at the rate I'm posting (not often) I probably say it in each one somehow. I'll sneak it in one way or another.

Yusef and Juleia are now my best friends. Which is saying something.

They now are no longer in their place on Rough and Ready, but in a trailer much like the one my dad just purchased, but many years older. I had no idea how they would do it with Sifadine but they always seem to be happy in the long run.

I think I help Juleia in that sense. She, like myself, doesn't have many friends. Being a 20 year old Islamic mom.. I sadly see why.

So when she and Yusef may be in a bit of a tiff, we can hang out. We don't even have to talk about it.

I told them my life story basically a week or so ago. We ended up talking about religion and parents and money and moving and everything.

I respect them as people. More than most.

Before I forget, on May 28th a very amazing thing happened.

My braces were forever removed!

Yes I still have an adorable retainer.. 

But all my over thinking and worrying was put to rest around 9:00am that morning.

Sam and a few other say that they still miss my braces sometimes- and you  know I'll admit, something I had for two+ years, you can get oddly attached to.

But I am quite pleased with how they turned out. As miserable of an experience it was with my Orthodontist, Dr. Law -and I would recommend to go anywhere else- he did his job without having to pull teeth. And I'm very grateful for that.

As I had mentioned before, Yusef and Juleia are currently living in the trailer on Yusef's parents property. They had to move because they had a baby I do believe. But I suppose that makes sense. They are doing just fie where they are at now anyways. What their plan is, is to save money while living in the trailer in order to move to Portland. And Yusef's plan is to move as early as this December. Sam is planning on going with them. And they all would like for me to go along with them. And I have agreed I would like nothing more than a change of scenery.

There are just a few kinks in that whole plan..

1. I am signed up for Fall classes. I believe that starts August 26th.
2. I haven't told my dad about this idea.
3. We are in the process of putting our house on the market and moving.
4. I'm terrified of drastic change.

The biggest being school and my dad of course.

I can't do what Danny did, and just drop all my classes and quit my job to focus on music- or in this case move away from everything I know.

I'm so excited for this semester too, I'm finally taking a sign language class.

As well as Science and I'm still wait listed for English.

If they do end up moving in December, I wont be able to go that soon. School ends December 14th or 15th. I'm not moving before Christmas. I wont make myself go through that.

But now that I think of it, if I do plan all this out and talk to my dad long before hand to get him on my side for this, Christmas would be a great time for me to tell the family of my plan.

Enough of the stress and excitement.

The whole reason I have become so inspired to write this evening is due to  The Clothes Horse.

I have watched her stop motion videos and read her insight on fashion. She is just now the second blog that had made me want to do something with my life that makes me happy.

No matter what I decide to do, blogging will be involved. 

And all today the only thing I can think of is Juleia and myself working on things like those.

Creating a blog and documenting our move.

The struggles, the adventure, and the love.

Not to sound like hippies- but we all could do it.

I tell myself, along with everyone else- that I want to do this. 

"There just can't be any wading in the water with life.

I have to just leap in. 

Otherwise I won't do it."-Me.

It's getting late, and of course I work the long shift tomorrow.. But I'll keep you posted on all life's happenings.

I mean, isn't that why I created this in the first place?

I'm taking more photos with my Nikon. I'm proud of myself. These are my friends.