10:24pm

Today has been all sorts of things, as well as hardly anything at all.
I'm getting emotional. all sorts of emotions.
Good and bad and somewhere in between.

School starts in a day or so and I always get excited and feel good when it first starts.
I'm even excited about this one.
But it could just be that I'm sick of being at Caroline's 24/7. Yeah that's probably it.

I've been looking at people's Facebook pages that I miss dearly

(Jillian)

People I admire but don't really know

(Joelle)

New friends

(Sam)

Ones that I respect

(Olivia)

Lets talk about Olivia. 

First of all- good name.

Second of all, she got herself out of this black hole.

She took the crazy leap of faith and left without a plan.

She didn't say goodbye to many, but  instead made a video.

I hardly know this girl. Hardly at all.

We met (more or less)

More, were in the same room together,

a grand total of about 4 times?

Her look changed every once in a while, but relatively the same through the years.

irrelevant..

Back to the video.

I have no idea why this video touched me so much but I 

just felt so, proud  of her.

Practically a stranger and I'm not sure.. Just that she went from hating everyone and getting hated on to making friends that meant so much to her and getting close to them

to finally doing what she wanted to all along.

Get out of this god forsaken place.

She is just over come so much and after watching her video I sent her this long mushy message just about how I wish I had known her more and hung out with her to get to know the real Olivia.

"I wish you well on all your ventures."

After all that it really made me reflect on what I am thankful for.

More who than anything..

The one person who I can call my best friend and not hesitate. She just knows me and how to make me smile. I talk to her nearly every day and when I don't I feel like it's been ages.

I'm in love with this girl as well as her 2 kids.

Janna, I tell you how much I adore and love you to pieces nearly every day.

But I don't think you will ever understand just how much you mean to me. How big a part of my life you are.

And I cannot thank you enough.

My dear friend Emmit was hired at Caroline's. I cannot begin to express my excitement.

I went on to tell him that- not only is this rad as fuck for him, this is great for me too.

I hope that this will help get me happy again. I need something to be happy for. Something to look forward to at work. And having one of my best friends around me again is certainly going to help.

Surrounding myself with positive people and beings that inspire me.. it's just all I need right now.

Emmit has always been a fantastic artist ever since I met him. I'm thrilled to see what he will bring to the table.

Khrista told me today that Kim and herself thought I had an attitude a few days ago.

(I worked a 9 hour shift) so yeah.. I was a tad upset.

But I felt as though I got over it. 

Nope- Khrista told me that after we closed and they headed towards their cars and mine was in the opposite direction, they agreed I had an attitude and Kim replied with, "I just ignore her after a while"

THE FUCK.

1. You are still pretty new there Kimberly..
2. I am your supervisor, so ignoring me is kind of out of the question.
3. Fuck You.

I hate it when I hear people tell me, "oh whats wrong.." "you're not acting right" "you are acting differently" "are you okay?"

How about you all just leave me the fuck alone..? 

Is it really too much too ask for?

Just worry about you and I'll worry about me.

Am I suddenly not allowed to just keep to myself or have any emotions?

If I choose to show any at all- just let it happen.  You don't need to question everything.

Fuck.

Sometimes I hate customer service. 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even still working there.

Then I choose to think of other things.

Dad said I don't have to pay him back the $1,400.

As long as I give him the $240 for registration and $200 on the first of each month since we put full coverage on Jack.

Which I have no problem with. But I feel like I need to assume he will change him mind after he hears about me plan for my septum and nostril.

I am frankly done talking about it. Thinking about it. and everything. It's bullshit.

It's what I want for my birthday present. I'm paying for it entirely myself.

And still planing on paying for everything else I'm required to.

I'm done. It's a waste of my time and energy. My reasoning for the entire argument trumps his entirely.

Fuck I'm tired.

Working so many hours. It's really starting to hit me.

I need to go school shopping. 

• Binder
• Sketchbook probably
• other essential needs

You know.. college shit.

and on that note, I must say farewell for now.

That was my update on this thing that is my life.

Until next time.

8:29pm

Sam was let go today.

I don't think it has hit me just yet.
I feel like he will blame me for it. Last night was brutal. He makes working with him so hard sometimes, then when you tell him that he has done something wrong- it just doesn't sink in. You can only teach him so many things.. so many times.. before you just give up.
Before you find that "you're not in the right place".

So this is me apologizing.

But not really.

If I hadn't said something Khrista would have.

Her words exactly.

And you know, I shouldn't feel bad for telling Becky what happened.

You don't get to act the way you do and not suffer a single consequence.

We were all rooting for you Sam..

I was especially.

I guess you just couldn't prove yourself to everyone.

It doesn't matter anymore I suppose.

I'm sorry you cried today.

I'm glad that I missed that.

Convenient rushes.

I just don't do well with boys crying.

It scares me.

It hurts me.

I just can't handle it.

My dad, brother, etc.

I haven't quite become used to or comfortable with it.

And that I am sorry for.

I hope you still show up to the Christmas Party.

I'm your 

Secret Santa..

Here's to you Sammy Boy.

Besides the fact that Sam was fired, I felt like I did such a good job closing.

I busted out all my chores and although I know I had nothing to prove and no one to show to,

I still did a damn good job.

I had a rush of energy or something.

Maybe I just wanted to.. I'm not sure.

Show myself that I shouldn't let this sort of thing affect me? I know Sam blames me for this whole thing. 

(Although Khrista was the one who spoke to Becky. She then wanted to hear my point of view.)

"Because that what Sam does, he blames others for everything."-Ruth

It helped hearing that. But it still hurt to see Ruth sad. 

Since Ruth dated Joe Sam became her little brother. She was rooting for him the most I feel. But he was also awful to her a lot of the time.

It shouldn't have had to go this way- but Sam is 15. And yes he did a great job for a 15 year old, but I wouldn't want- let alone expect, Blake to do what I do everyday.

Sam, I'll miss you bud. 

I hope you come round from time to time.

12:13pm

Lunch break blog.

I'm angry.
Currently. I'm sick. Again. Or so it seems.
I'm a tad annoyed too.
I hate talking about her and continuously bringing it up, but Courtney. We aren't friends obviously. We are coworkers.
Ryan came in this morning. I think at this point they are broken up? But it sure didn't seem like it today. Yet she is practically dating the owners son Andrew. Who was dating her old best friend. Who was fired.
I just caught them making out in the office and that's where my frustration comes from.
Not only is she leading Andrew on and giving him false hope, (bc she is moving in June) he is pretty much having her cake and eating it too.
It's just bullshit. It's making me and everyone else uncomfortable. I hate that it affects me so much. She needs to just fucking leave already.

I want to feel better after getting all that out but I don't. I am just so angry. I want to hit her. I want to hit her hard.
GAH.

The worst part is, SHE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANYONE'S FEELINGS. IT'S ALL ABOUT HER.

I want to get off my lunch and be released of y frustration but I can't. Bc she will still be out there. And I have to look at her face.
She just disgusts me to no end.

Anyways.... I wan to leave this post off on a good note.

The best way I can do that is by looking at photos of my favourite little girl.
Here's to you Bird.

8:24pm

Fuck.
I'm so sad today.
All I'd been thinking about was taking a bath with candle and music and just being warm and stuff.

I forgot the whole tub setting on my shower doesn't work. It won't hold water.
I can only take showers.

It was literally the only thing I'd wanted to do today.
I feel like shit. I'm totally stuffy. My head is still heavy. I have zero energy and to put all those things on top of a 8 hour shift..
Makes a girl want to cry.
Then I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I keep getting scheduled for the 10:30 shift. Which, sure.. Is nice on the paycheck. But at the same time fucking blows.
I am just plain exhausted.
I feel as though I'm an emotional wreck.

I am fulfilling part of my New Years resolutions by reading more often- but I read sad books. So that doesn't necessarily help with the 'do what makes me happy' portion.

Well, reading does make me happy. It does- but I sure know how to choose the saddest of books in the shelf.

I guess I should just give up on the whole idea of a relaxing bath.
Which just pisses me off more.
I'm ready to move. To get out if this house and town. Ready for school.
Which I still have yet to pay for..

(Still hoping that FAFSA can cover something.)

Just me being hopeful.

I need to shower and rinse off this day.
Pick out an outfit for tomorrow and put the La Roche wedding photos onto a CD or something for Kurtis.

He is starting to bother me. For a while I was worried he liked me, there is still that worry- but he just wants to talk to me everyday and stuff and it not helping with the whole "using my phone less" portion of my New Years Resolutions.

I go through these depressive spells where I only want to talk to a select few people.

~Junior Year At Its Finest~

But lets not go back to that.
Someone please take whatever illness that is trying to inhabit my body. It's overstaying its welcome.

Alright. Going to go cry in the shower.
Goodnight.



PS.. Enjoy my current obsession.

7:47pm

Today was basic.

Worked for the majority of the day.

I finished my FASFA thing  last night.

Now we play the waiting game to see what they do or do not give me.

I signed up for 4 classes again..

If I can't handle it.. 

No. No I won't.. I can't think about it that way.

I need to take this semester by the balls and show it who is boss.

I'm. The. Boss.

I am in control and I will succeed.

I have to.

Nothing much to tell. Dallas and folks are back in town.

Planning on hanging out with her and such on Tuesday I do believe.

I plan on having her bleach a strip of my hair then as well as a movie marathon I suppose?

I'm looking forward to a change up.

I miss my ombre a tad.

Oh! I'm reading The Falt In Our Stars, by John Green.

Fell in love within the first few pages. I cannot put it down.

I'm already more than halfway through and I had to stop reading during my lunch break due to such a sad part. Things are starting to turn and go the direction I had soon come to expect.

I'm sure I will cry tonight. I will most likely finish it within the next night or so.

Then onto We Need To Talk About Kevin.

Which I'm sure, if it's anything like the movie..

I will feel different afterwards.

Next month Perks should be out on DVD.

Cannot wait. It just affected me so greatly..

Oh God..

I need to go read.

Work tomorrow.

I think I may be getting sick.

Possibly from hugging Cru the other day.

Shit.

Until next time.

12:38pm

I hate it when I'll try and post something on my phone, I get distracted and then it doesn't save it as a draft. I have to physically press the DRAFT button. Ugh.

Anyways..

Time to catch up on my daily occurrences.

Had a "Day-Date" with a new friend, Calla.

She is lovely and so was the day that we spent together. 

Went to Nevada City, where I then purchased some socks and books.

We then drove to La Bou and had delicious sandwiches, then proceeded to

go thrifting down the road.

Time to REWIND:

At La Bou guess who I saw, and ended up following us to the Thrift Store..

You guessed it, none other than Cru.

And the trusty teddy bear: JC.

Now- I'm not going to look too far into it or anything, but when I see someone such as Cru so far out of town then I take that s a sign of some sort. 

Yes, I guess you could say I believe in Fate. Still not exactly sure as to what that is precisely..  but in my own head I understand what it means.

And to me, that was a perfect example of fate taking over. Putting 2 great people I hadn't seen in forever

and placing them at the exact right time and place as me.

How often does that sort of thing happen? Not often.

But again, not looking too far into it.

Just something that was worth noting.

Now in other news: On the 4th of January something wonderful happened.

Jack came into my life.

Don't get too excited..

Jack is not a human being.. no not at all.

He is none other than my new blue Rav 4.

Man oh man! He is fantastic. Automatic windows and doors, reclining back seats, smooth driving and shifts, functioning A/C & Heat, etc.

He is a 100% upgrade from Cassie.

As excited as I am for Jack, I did make some memories with Cassie.

(The next few sentences are rated PG-13)

• First blow-job.
• {never thought that would ever happen, ever.}
• First time I'd ever been completely naked in from of someone that wasn't family.
• {and that hasn't happened since I don't know when..}

She was my first car! I got her completely out of shock on my 16th birthday.

I couldn't even drive yet?

She was reliable up until last winter. She got me from A to B and wherever else I needed to go.

{which wasn't many places.} But still..

I will be sad to see her go.

~Out With The Old, In With The New~

This past week has been odd.

I saw people I missed.

Text Austin all night a few days ago.. That was.. nice.

Saw Tiz yesterday and exchanged Christmas gifts.

Old people are coming back in the picture.

How am I supposed to feel about that?

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I should just type right here right now

But I can't. I feel like I should keep them to myself and just store them in the back of my mind for a bit.

Only can go 1 of 2 ways.

So I guess we shall see.

I'm freezing.

I have

1. Books to read
2. Showers to take
3. Cars to clean
4. Laundry to do
5. Banks to be withdrawn from
6. Pillow cases to return
7. Financial Aid to be filled out
8. And probably things I'm forgetting..

YAY FOR LISTS!
So I really better be going.
Until next time,

M.

8:47pm

HAPPY NEW YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS.

I'm a tad late with the update on whats going on lately. As you probably guessed, tis the new year.
I didn't start the Eve of the new year very well. Seriously- I was sick.

Got to work as scheduled at 10:30 and left by 12 in tears. Due to stomach pains in my ribcage and all over my stomach really, nausea, weak body etc.. I was an all round mess. I just cuddled Scout all the rest of the day up until 6:30 when I had to leave to babysit Brandon for Brittany. I fell asleep off and on that whole night. Had to set an alarm for 11 just to make sure I didn't miss the ball drop.

Because I had taken frequent naps due to not feeling well I feel as though I cheated.

I'm not sure.. my weird logic sometimes.

By the next day I felt fine. I had work off, so I was able to go to the mall for a bit with Nicole.

I had opened this morning- which meant I was AT Carolines by 5:30am.

But left by 2pm.

So after work I went o the bookstore across the street and purchased 2 novels and headed home just in time for Ellen.

Dad and I started looking for cars a tad tonight. Found 2 that we like and will call on tomorrow.

Tad excited, I just hope that good comes out of this. I want to  just get rid of Cassie and focus on a computer again. Get one thing taken care of so I can try to achieve me next goal.

I'm in a writing mood tonight. (not sure if talking to you.. Quinn..) has anything to do with it. You bring out the best of me mister. You're real. A true friend that can tell me straight up, "He's not soul mate material.. He has genital herpes."

For the first time I do believe I have gone back and reread the very first few posts I have made. Kinda hit home. I was taking so many photos with MY ACTUAL CAMERA, (it was still brand new), so the goosebumps were still fresh. But I was really happy a lot of the time, (or so it seemed). I also sounded very British..?

I had just started working at Carolines and had just started my first semester at Sierra. I wrote about a lot of people that I was close with back then and hardly speak to nowadays, which makes me sad to think about.

I  don't go back and reread posts, in fear of changing anything or worse- deleting anything all together.

I  do it too often- get upset with myself for strictly documenting the shitty parts in my day. I don't try hard enough to write down any of the happy good times. As small as they are- I still need to remember them.

I think we all could use a little happy. Just have to get over the rough spots first. 

I wish people didn't take this whole "life" thing so seriously. Or try to control people. I don't think that's fair. Parent or not. You can bring someone into this world, but after some time you must realize- as another human being yourself- that they are just that.. a someone. That has thoughts and feelings and opinions, and choices. It's only natural.

Here's to you 2013..

I'm getting carried away.

But it just feels nice to write again. Put my words into something.

I know that it is a new year, but deep down it feel no different at all yet. I've been in a haze with what month it is for the past few seasons.

I don't know what that is about.. but I need to get a severe slap in the face or something. Come back to reality and figure out what is going on with me.

I've been in a haze for far too long.

Time to switch it up before I fade away entirely and get stuck in this confusing state of grey.