10:54am

Going to the fair after work today. I'm excited to finally have someone to go with me and hold hands with. Show off my happiness and whatnot.

I like the fair. (:

Getting pretty excited. 

10:52am

I'm sorry. You hurt my feelings. I may overreact but because I don't know all about things you do. But it's still not fair for you to hurt me.

I'm sure everything will be fine, just need to talk. And hug.

Could really use a hug.

Slept on the couch because my bed felt too big. It's one thing to make me sad but on top of when I'm feeling lonely.. That was a breaking point for me.

Anyways.. I'm sure we will be fine. I need to hear what you have to say. You do some talking. 

9:03pm

{Shitty night continued:}

Sitting in the mining museum parking lot. All by myself. 

Windows down listening to the stream and the rain.

Stopped crying finally.

Just feeling angry.

I want to do awful things to make you made. 

Make you feel how I do now.

Make you understand.

I could drink this beer you left in my car and drive home but it wouldn't do anything but taste like shit. Wouldn't even give me a buzz. Granted I haven't eaten in 6 hours so who knows.

You're lucky I'm not that girl.

I'm thinking about tomorrow. How things will play out. What you will say. I'm just glad I don't work tomorrow.

I don't want to see you. Look at your fucking face. You're a piece of shit. But at the same god damn time I want to cry in your shoulders. I want to punch and kiss you. I hate that you do that. You have that control over me.

What have you given up in this relationship? What have I?

I want to yell and slap you across the face and scream how I feel.

I'm terrified you will be so sick and tired of all this shit. Sick of me and my feelings and whatever. Dealing with our differences. Just decide to end it. Pull yourself out of that. Be able to focus on you. Your friends. School. Your future.

Maybe one day you'll send me a message asking how I'm doing. If I'm still signing, taking pictures, dating even..

I fucking hate those thoughts. I can't even imagine myself holding hands with another person.

This is me overreacting. Freaking myself out. Being crazy. And I see that, but it's all inside and it needs to get out.

You've been back a while now and I miss you still. I haven't been able to hang out with you and just you since you've been back.

I understand Aidan is leaving and you should spend time with him. But I'm still here and in need of you too.

Now this happens. My fears. I know I had unrealistic hopes for you to come back home and be grown up. Moved past the childish ventures of smoking. But nope. I have to remind myself all the time you are still a kid. A year younger than me. But also so mature. So mature for your age and also more mature than me even. But you are still learning yourself and part if me hates that.

Like the thought of you right now doing fucking mushrooms even though it fucking makes me sick. Makes me cry and hurts me so much. You don't care about me sometimes.

Not nearly as much as I care about you. I feel like you don't love me as much as I love you. And that makes me sick too.

I fucking hate love. I had never believed in it and now here it is. And it's fucking stupid. It only hurts people.

I should stop. I really have nothing left to say. I'm still by myself

in town

in the dark

in my car

in the rain. 

Hoping you'll text me and want to meet up. Talk. But at the same time that terrifies me. It's going to be so uncomfortable. And I really don't need that right now. I really need you to comfort me. That's all I've needed for the past 2 months. 

But you come home and I'm still lonely.

Really need you to understand that. 

8:13pm

This isn't fair. But it doesn't matter. You go fucking do shrooms with your friends. Do what you feel you need to fucking do. Be a teenager. Live it up.

Fucking call me when you decide to grow up and not make me cry. Run from my house so no one will see me and ask me questions. Worry that Emmit could have possibly made her cry.

I'll drive myself to town in tears. Hope I find Beau or Sophie to come console me. Get me out of my head. Looks like they both have plans. So it's a solo drive for me. In the rain. To just stay stuck in my head, and yes- most of all -worry about you. 

Hope you have a great evening. 

8:20pm

I'm proficient in overreacting. It's something I am aware of and need to work on.

So now that I can get past that, I can honestly say I'm feeling sorta lonely.

Wish Em was here, just watching movies with me. Just want him in my big queen bed.

It's too damn hot out. Especially to work in a coffeeshop.

The fair is coming up, which I'm excited for. What else.. We just hired 2 new girls. They don't seem too bad.

I need to shower and get to bed.

Anyways. Love and miss my Emmit tonight. Probably just hanging with his buds, but haven't talked to him much today. 

11:01am

Don't fall back into your old ways Monica.

<------------------>

I never really made it clear that Emmit is now back. We have spent a few nights together since he has been back but really quite a bit of time has gone to his friends. Sure I'm a bit jealous but it's nothing I wasn't expecting. I'm just glad to have him home.

The other day I opened so I didn't get off work until 2pm. The gang had planned on going rafting down Parks Bar which sounds like a lot of fun, but that was planned for noon. So I wasn't able to go. Neither was Maddie or Aidan- which made me feel better. But still pretty bummed.
It's kind of hard to go from having someone for several months and then going 2 months without. Having to adjust to that and then go back to having the person.
Being independent, being understandable, being independent, letting go, holding on, etc. It's getting kinda crazy over here. My body and brain can only handle so much.

So it's fine, I know I can't spend as much time as I would love to, so I'll go hang out with Scout. Go to a movie alone. Give you space. Try not to worry or over think. Keep my minds wanderings to myself. Let you do your thing and if I can fit in places where there is time then I'll savor those. Being together but giving space. It's a hard place to be, and I realize I'm putting myself there, but it's the vibe I'm getting. We can't rush back into our old ways.
But it's not easy just hanging out with a dog all the time. Luckily I have Sophie, but not for long. She will move in about a month. I need more friends.


And here I thought that things were looking up..
Well at least yesterday. Since I had the late afternoon to myself with Scout I thought I would try and mess with my camera more. Really mess with it. Put it on all manual settings and test myself to read light. And I did it! Sure the display of most of them still looked fairly muted, the overall photos after upload seemed to need hardly any editing. Which made me very happy.
So my #ISpyScout portion of Fools Gold is coming together. At least I feel like it is.
I even tried to make an Instagram for Fools Gold and it worked! After all the attempts I had made in the past month or so and no names were available it worked. I entered in the email for FG and it created the name for me. I can always alter it if I need but at least I have something to call mine and put photos on.

<----------------->

A few days ago Emmit and I went to his mom's so that he can find out how much money he owes her while he was away. And I got to use the wifi while they discussed.
I had finally started researching schools a bit and programs. Taking notes.. actually doing something and planning for my future. Which has always and will continue to freak me out. But I was actually getting very excited? Like, I wasn't prepared to actually have fun. But now that I have made the decision to focus on Sign Language I have a jumping off point. Looking at what schools have to offer me is kinda cool. See what I have to get done and create a check list. This is what helps me breathe, which I have been having troubles with lately.
So add that the list of 'good things that have happened to me lately.'

<--------------->

Dad and I have been having small talks. Good ones but more heartfelt. Even if they aren't full conversations, they are things that made me think. Mainly since Blake got in his accident he needs someone to confide in. So anyways last night we were sitting outside looking at Blake's truck and just realizing how much damage was there and would parts could be saved. Then he points to Emmit's bracelet he brought back from Peru for me, and says who gave me that? (as a joke since he knew).
Then he jokes and says next thing you know he'll be giving you a diamond. So I joke back saying well thats the goal. He gets a little more serious and starts asking me if we had talked about that. I said no, but smaller also kinda serious talks.
"Like moving in together?"
"Yeah a little bit. I'd like to."
"Cause you're sick of me huh?"
And then we both started to laugh and I kissed him on the cheek.
But it was in that moment I felt not scared to tell my dad about my plans for school and moving eventually and doing all this with Emmit. He seemed not so scary and almost hopeful for me for lack of a better word. So lets add that to the list of good things too.

<--------------->

Well, I work soon. And I'm not entirely excited for that. Kinda just have a bad feeling. I realize I'm taking it out on Emmit. It may just be my jealousy and curiosity as to why he has something blue on his neck and glitter.... Not the best thing to notice first thing walking into Carolines.
I almost don't want to know. But of course I do. I have finally come to terms with the smoking pot which I think was really big of me.. I just don't want it to escalate into anything else. He is a curious person- but his friends have been doing mushrooms and Aidan wants to do LSD.. Pot is one thing but I'm not okay with those. Cigarettes or anything. I won't stand for it. Then we will be so off balance on the fairness of this relationship and what each of us are compromising. And I'm not quite sure what he has compromised for me come to think of it. I thought I knew but then that was a lie.

I'm getting myself worked up over stuff from the past that shouldn't be brought up anymore. I need to breathe and not let it all effect me while at work. Knowing me, it may be kinda hard. I'm not the best at taking my own advice.

9:46pm

In my head maybe around 6:45~ I wanted something to happen. I felt like tonight was going to be kinda boring. Mellow and I didn't want to stay home. A few minutes later my dad comes to my room and says, "I need you to drive me to Blake. He rolled his truck."

My eyeballs sunk to my stomach.

I changed into some black pants and moccasins and headed for the door. This was not what I had wanted. Not what I had planned for. But then again, no one plans for an accident. 

Since dad had a beer or 2 I drove to a road near the fairgrounds where Blake was heading to his friends house.

Dad was pissed the whole way there, critiquing my driving and whatnot. He said he just wanted to throw something even, which was a slightly new side to my dad than I had seen before.

I tried my best to calm him down. We turned onto the road where Blake and his truck were and saw sirens. My stomach is turning and then I saw his truck. It was like I had no control over my mouth. My jaw dropped and my heart raced. Never had I been in this scenario. I was always the one who made the call to be rescued. Well.. Twice.

I knew Blake was a daredevil but I never really imagined it would catch up with him. For the most part I understood he was safe. Against texting and driving. Wouldn't ever drink and get behind the wheel.. But he certainly had a need for speed.

It wasn't until many minutes after we parked and got out of the truck to console him that I really got emotional. I walked over to the truck on my own to get his Caroline's sweatshirt and it really sunk in how badly this crash was.

My brother could have died.

The thought can really only marinade in my head. Never fully sink in. Even if it had happened I still couldn't fathom it.

He was a mess himself. Even for hours after the accident. I got to play mom and really try my hardest to make him feel okay. He had trouble talking and putting into words what happened or how he felt. What he remembered. Still a bit shook up in his brain I guess. But all in all he is fine. We are all so lucky. 

His friend who is a bit taller was in the passenger seat, and the roof of the car caved in a bit more on his side so his head was hit a slight bit. Blake was the one to point it out after they had crawled out the back window that no longer had glass. He was brought to the hospital which is good. And he is ultimately fine, but on my dads financial side it's going to hit him hard. To have another 'at fault' accident in his record but to add injury to it won't be fun. And the hospital is doing their job, but probably going full force in something that may not need all the attention. Granted we want everything done to make sure that Conner is 100% okay.

I sent Emmit a photo of the scene and he was nothing but supportive the whole time. Caring and there for myself as well as my brother. I couldn't ask for more then that when all our heads are spinning. And now I give him things to worry about. He sure is a trooper. 

So now I get to play mom as well as Switzerland. Safe zone and whatnot. Console Blake to realize that no one hates him for what he did. Nor will it effect anyone's trust in him. And in the end it will all be okay. Etc.

And to my dad that yes, financially this blows. But if anyone can handle this, it's him. And I am here. And he still has a son. And I a brother. Trucks brake, and money is spent. But lives cannot be returned.

And I am so greatful for the way this played out. Blake said that while his truck was spinning he was in the middle of talking to Conner. And then it happened. But all the while he was realizing what was going on- he knew he would be okay. It was all slow motion to him. And the entire time he knew he would make it. Just goes to show you how cool my brother is. That's a pretty positive thought to have as you are in the middle of a near death experience.

We are all a bit shook up, but this will pass. It's a learning experience. And that's it. What happenes now is so little. The tiniest of my cares in comparison the the fact that we are all okay. I don't want to get repetitive, but I need to write. I haven't for a while and since I work in the morning I needed some closure for the night. I'm sure I'll report back with what comes of all this but for now I should sleep.