This night is shit.
My brother is scum, and I told him that.
I'm not sure if I can tell you how many times he called me a bitch.
My dad gets mad at me for crying since he can't understand my head and thinks I'm still upset from a pathetic thing that happened tonight. Not the case at all. I have so much going on in my head it's unreal. So let me fucking cry. Let me be upset. Don't turn it all around and make it about you. You don't get to yell at me and have me yell back at you and try to explain just how much I want the conversation to be over then leave with tears in your eyes telling me how it's harder for you around Christmas time because you are a single parent, don't fucking make it about you. Don't make yourself feel better by making me feel worse.
Don't you fucking dare do what mom does.
I know that's not your goal. I know that, but you're doing it.
I yelled back at you tonight. And that felt nice. But it shouldn't have to come to that.
I shouldn't be so upset about everything but I am, and I don't want to keep blaming it on the holidays but I do so I get mad at myself for that because I hate blaming shit on other people or things. I hate not being able to explain to someone whats wrong with me because I can't even understand it myself.
Just let me be the 18 year old girl and cry when I need to. Let me breakdown and hate the world and everyone in it for a few hours. Let me blog my heart away to at least find refuge in something for a little while. Distract myself from the tears currently streaming down my cheeks.
No, it's not about having to leave Victorian Christmas early because you were fucking stupid and for not wearing a jacket. You told me that you would be fine. So there is problem number 1. Not mine, yours. Then after Charisse leaves and I want to walk around with friends but you want to leave because your cold? No you don't even get to pull that fucking card. But go ahead and call dad and complain about how awful I am. How horrible I am for bringing you along, for the free rides anywhere, for being the horrible big sister I am, for not wanting to just give in to your every desire. No, the world does not revolve around you, nor does it me. But is it too much to ask for you to walk around for another hour with my friends and I? When we would have gone into a warm building anyways? Is it really that hard for you?
To give me one night to be happy, to do something with friends I never see? When for what seems like months I have been nothing but upset and angry and unhappy. Tonight could have possibly been the start to the uphill in my mood, but we will never know because I had to leave early. I had to make you happy. I got to come home and watch myself fall to pieces as I washed my face. I got to hold myself up by the sink faucet so I wouldn't fall to the floor in all my ballistics. I got to put my hands over my face and turn the sink up high to drown out my sobs, all to make you happy because you were cold.
So forgive me if I second guess doing anything for you.
Blake.
You take me for granted. I can't even begin to explain how much you do. I will go out of my way and wake up hours before I need to so you don't have to deal with the hell that is the school bus. Even though I had to for 3 years.
You don't even fucking understand just how god damned lucky you are. You are fucking 14 years old. Did I have a cell phone at the age you got one? No. Did I have an ipod? No. We got all these things at the same time, but I technically had to wait 4 years. 4 mother fucking years to be where you are at now. Do me a favor and look at what you have. Look at your life and tell me just what there is to complain about.
Yeah they divorced when you were 2. You hadn't the slightest fucking idea what was going on. I was 6, and I did. You wouldn't have wanted to know her anyways. She isn't in our lives now, why even start back then. If anything, you lucked out.
Dad.
It's not about you and having hard times being the single parent. It's that and so much more. It's about
- me
- being a girl and having emotions
- being raised by only one parent
- being the only girl in the house
- not having that mother figure but still having to be one for blake
- being the mom and the sister
- being treated like a child but expecting the maturity of an adult
- boys
- being lonely
- school/grades
- friends
- appearance
- judgement
- scout
- blake
- you
- mom
- my head
- my emotions
- responsibilities
- expectations
and that's only 21 things that I have to constantly be thinking about. So forgive me if I hold back most of that, then having nights like tonight here I explode and dissolve into a pile of unhappy for a bit.
Don't ever get upset at me for crying. That is like getting mad at a clock for ticking. You're barking up the wrong tree. Just let me scream and shout and yell and cry uncontrollably till I'm minutes away from throwing up. Just accept the only excuse I have to offer,
I'm unhappy.
....................because it's the easiest reason you can understand.
....................The only reason I can put into words..
