I'm not really envious, I have you.
But seeing that there is still contact being made and it's somewhat hidden is worrisome. But not really even, I understand you are friends but when it kinda seems like you don't want me to know that's when my stomach get queezy.
I hate myself for starting to get like this. This isn't who I am.
Yeah you guys snap chat. Or comment or like photos on Facebook or Instagram.. (And I think it's wise that she doesn't follow either of us any longer and it's great that she has found someone new) I just need to remind myself you guys stayed friends. And Sam and I did not. Not that I'm in anyway jealous that you remained friends with an ex and I didn't- it's not that at all.
I guess I just am a little jealous.
We never snap anymore. And it sounds fucking stupid to be getting even the slightest bit upset over but like I've said before- I 100% trust you. I just can't trust her. Not with her personality and past/current/continuing disorders.
And so many changes are happening right now in my world like the official move into the new house and trying to get a new job. Not to mention the thought of you leaving me for a month.
It's a shit ton to really grasp. And I'm doing my best to keep up but I really would rather have her not be something I need to worry about. And that is so selfish of me to even say- I know. But this is my safe place and I need to say it.
If you would just openly tell me that you guys are talking regularly, I would be fine. I would have no choice but to grasp that and understand. Sure it may be kinda hard to hear but at least you had the guts to be honest with me. I can't even be completely honest with you.. I have to come to a fucking blog and write how I feel in hopes of you reading it. I'm still nervous and I get a sick feeling in my stomach when her name is brought up. I'm sorry but it's the truth.
I just spent the day with you. You went back to your place since you work in the morning and I went to mine. But I already miss you. I feel like I'm overdoing it sometimes and borderline klingly and that freaks me out. I hate those kind of people.. And now I worry I may be too smothering. But I have never felt so attached and protective of another person before. I was the kind of person who had never seen a healthy relationship so I didn't believe love existed. And now I feel this.. This strong desire for you. I love you Emmit. So much it hurts sometimes. And I scare myself sometimes thinking about the future and even the present but I just know I want you in it. 100%.
As much as you'll have me in it.
I don't want to be jealous. I want to just love you. I tell myself to just put my little feelings in the back of my head when it comes to you and her, but now I'm just scaring myself. And I need you to tell me I'm fine. We are totally fine (although I already know) and that she is nothing to worry about. I just need you to tell me what is going on in that head of yours. Just talk to me. Tell me whatever, even if it may be something I don't want to hear, because at least then I won't make up my own stories and then have to go to bed and have bad dreams like I have been.
Stop Monica. Just stop. Your relationship is fine. Don't put shit in places when there is nothing wrong.
