I was sitting in my room watching tv and I just got this sudden feeling of being lonley.
Dad and Blake were just outside talking with the neighbor and I put on a sweatshirt and went outside for a bit. Which helped. But then we all came inside and I had to tell somebody. And next thing I know tears are spilling down my cheeks.
The past few nights I've spent with Emmit and I just got a bit too used to that. And I think tonight it really has hit me that he is going to Peru. Really soon. And I'm so excited for him, but a month is quite some time. And I'm going to miss his back and skin and everything. I miss him each night that he's not with me.
And like I've said before, I'm not like that. Which is my continuous reminder that this is what love feels like.
We recently went camping for a night with Aidan, Matt, Kyle, and us of course..
It was beautiful. We went to Big Bald Rock in Oroville. Everything was going great, whiskey was present- which may have been a bad idea in my part but not really. I just far too much.
The next part I'm going to try and make short. Because it still makes my stomach churn.
I started to feel sick and Emmit helped me to my sleeping bag. I may have slept for an hour or more? Emmit started to come lay down and I instantly could tell. I asked him and he answered with what I didn't want to hear.
He had been smoking weed.
My eyes started to well up with the more questions I asked. It wasn't the first time he had done it again since he made the promise to me months prior either. Which is what hurt the most. I started to cry. I pushed away from him. I clenched my fist and hit his back with all my disappointment. I didn't want to believe what I had just found out.
The next morning we all packed up and left. We hung out in his car in the parking lot before the trail and talked about it. We both cried. And put things out there. We were better the rest of the day. We've had a few more conversations about it. About how he feels like shit for losing my trust. I just keep trying to make it not as big a deal as it truly is. I don't want to believe that this has happened.
We still haven't figured out what is going on or what to do just yet. But we both live each other. Our conversations keep getting better. But it still is hard for me to know that he has "changed his mind" about weed. It hurts me so much inside to know he couldn't hold that to me. No one else had ever done that for me before. He made himself different. Now he's not as strong to me. I told him I understand that I can't expect him to make a decision right now, but I can't wait forever. Either he is still "not done" or he is. But he reminds me it not that easy.
It's just another thing I have to add to my plate. All my worries are for Emmit right now. I suppose I shouldn't say all, but the vast majority are. Him going to Peru, him smoking again, his choice in school, leaving it staying in the fall, etc..
So much is happening all at once and I'm being crushed by it all. School ended and I should be relieved, but I'm not.
Work is giving me no hours and then they are, so that's confusing. Do I leave- or stay?
We just moved and I'm so close to everything that I feel like I should be out doing something since it's so convenient. And school is no longer a time issue. I have time to spare and I'm overwhelmed.
My mind is racing. At least 10 thoughts per second and I'm physically making myself ill. Headaches. Stomach churning. Never hungry. Shaky. Panic attacks. It's not okay.
I'm not sure what I need. Rest? I've tried it. And it works but then half the time it doesn't. I've only been able to actually sleep in naturally 1x since we have moved in. I'm not sure what that tells you. But I think it has something to do with the hardwood flooring echoing, and the sunshine bright in my window waking me up. (Which are good or okay things- so I can relax about that one.)
I'm not sure. I suppose I just need to look at things in a logical manner. Put sense to all I can.
Get organized. Focus my time on other things. Stop analyzing everything and being crazy. Put the phone down.
I suppose I would be a hypocrite if I didn't stop there. I should rest my burning eyes anyways.
As a reflex I wanted to type:
I love you Em.
Which was kinda strange considering we stopped texting for the night. But I'll just leave it there.
Goodnight
