9:23pm

Today was my one day off of the week. It was really laid back. I did a bit of homework while Sam just laid in my bed and watched TV. That is the kind of relationship I want to be in. I'm so content happy where we are. Every once in a while I would take a break from my typing and crawl over with him. We would just lay there so close it was as if we were one person. I could just dig my face in his back and close my eyes, and feel so safe.

We have said I love you, and I truly mean it.

I honestly feel this is what true love feels like..

I understand I am still so young, and there are times when I don't enjoy everything he does. But that's part of a relationship. We haven't exactly had a fight in the 4 months that we have been together, but we have nothing to disagree upon?

I'm getting better about making decisions thanks to him. He forces me to make one rather than leave it up to him to make them all.

I feel as though he wants the best for me. He calls me smart, although I still have trouble believing it.

Jillian had surprised us in the library after our class on Thursday, and we had a great conversation.

I always enjoy seeing//talking to her.

Although she is so her own person, and as much as I do love her,

sometimes I feel so lost after talking to her. Just like as I walk away from her, its as though I am

stepping back onto the planet after months.

I really have to come back to the real world.

It's an indescribable feeling and I'm still trying to  figure out if I enjoy it or not.

In the mean time, while she is going to school again and trying to save gas and money, I hope she does try to work at Carolines again. Salima applied as well. And it would be very nice to work with her. At this point I really just need to surround myself with people I can handle working with often to prevent me from quitting.

Obviously I wouldn't quit until I had another job waiting for me.

I think it's just the fact that I'm being overworked, and underpaid  that it's just had to go to this endless routine. I need some variety.

School is coming to an end at such a perfect time. Which it usually seems to do. Comes and goes quite nicely.

I was finally able to sign up for classes the other day. I am on a wait list for my English 1A class I had taken my first semester and failed. Jill is also wait listed and planning on adding in.

Along with that is a Science class, but not normal science.. It's called Environmental Studies & the Human Impact. Which should be interesting.

And last but certainly not least.... ASL!!

I'm thrilled to be taking my first real Sign Language class. I'm not quite sure why but I just feel so strongly for deaf culture and the whole shah-bang.

As a gift to myself for completing my second year of college I am planning on getting Hulu and perhaps even Netflix as well. I plan on catching up with my Switched at Birth, Misfits, Glee, and so on. I've never been so excited to be lazy. Oh boy..

I'll tell you about my experience with art and such from the other day, tomorrow or soon. Howard Levine is a great man. And his home gave me just enough inspiration to make it through the rest of the semester and even through summer perhaps. I'll leave it at that.

It's getting late and I work the morning shift, so I better get some beauty sleep.

Goodnight and sweet dreams dear you.

Makeup-less Me.
"flyaways"

9:24pm

Two things,
1.} I'm not pregnant- my period started this morning.
2.} Which is now resulting in my inner uterus wall lining falling off and causing my lower stomach to want to die a little.

But hey, it's better than me forcing a watermelon out of a tiny hole.
That will just have to wait.

Nothing much else happened thats of worthy note.
I'm becoming quite the webcam whore.
It's the worst/best thing ever.

This is my best friend Juleia.

Samuel. <3

And this is my life.

10:45pm

Big Dave died today.
Rachael Webb's mom did a few days ago.
When I had found out about Rachael's mom I balled my eyes out.. not because I knew her or anything, I mean I had probably met her once or twice..
But it made me think of Rachael and how she doesn't deserve that. She is such a wonderful girl and dancer and she deserves a mom to be in her life. Then it made me think of my mom. Which is the real reason why I was crying. I miss my mom. The other day was Mother's Day. And I had made a status just thanking every woman who had been like a mom to me when mine wasn't. It wasn't until the next day that I had sort of felt bad about what I said. And that I didn't say anything to my mom via text.

I have to remind myself that she doesn't text me unless it's a holiday and even then, if she remembers.

Not to mention that she hasn't been a part of my life in years..

She doesn't even pay child support anymore, at least not for me.

So she doesn't deserve a text message from me, right?

It's just the good person in me that wishes I had some sort of relationship with her.

I need her sometimes.

Sam is getting worried because my pills were over 3 days ago and I still haven't started my period.

Finals and everything are also coming up, so I am assuming it's because of stress.

I guess this may be my first official "pregnancy scare". So awesome..

Sam is more nervous than I am.

I can't really be stressed about it. I need to relax so my body can realize it's time for my vagina to leak red shit.

Secret: How awful is it that I may sort of kinda be a little okay with the idea of being pregnant? If Sam and I talked about it, and whatnot I would make it work. If Ryan Well's can be a single mom at my age, then anything is possible right?

I know I would be a good mom. I know I want to be a mom, and I love Sam. I know he would be a good dad one day. But he has also made it clear- he isn't ready for a baby. Which I understand. Financially it's not a good time.

I'm sure I'm not even pregnant. That would just be too much like a movie. And I'm just about done with movie-type shit happening to me this semester.

I work the morning shift so I better go, but these are just some of the things that are happening/going through my head.

Goodnight

6:20pm

I enjoy watching films and reading books that make me cry. Or at least feel different after. I mean, isn't that what they're supposed to do? Make you feel.
I can't watch The Truman Show alone because its too relatable and makes me feel funny after.
So I changed it to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Which is another movie that makes me feel.
Sometimes it does more than other times. Considering I've watched it a good 40x.
This was one of the 'feels' times.
Every time around the end, when Oskar is laying in his mothers lap and he has just destroyed his CZI (collapsible zone index) and he tells her a quote his father once told him, "I really love your mother, she's such a good girl...."
And the actress (whom I love) reacts just perfectly. She cries. And it gets me every time. And Oskar replies by telling her that he doesn't tell her he loves her enough. Which she of course denies.

Sam told me he loved me on March 18th. 3 days after my birthday.
For my birthday Yusef, Juleia, Sam, and myself all went to Santa Cruz. As I had hoped. It was a quick trip but worth it. I needed some ocean water to hit these feet. I feel like I really have to try and remember it all though. Nothin happened but, it's just so hard to explain.
I feel like I don't get excited over things anymore. I feel like I'm losing emotions. Excitement being one of them.
Dad booked a trip to Florida for him, Blake, and I in July. It should be fantastic but I'm still not overwhelmed by it at all.
I told him I am really looking forward to it, but I won't show it until I'm packing my bags and on my way there.

Khrista is gone. Her last day was my birthday. She's been gone a while now and it doesn't feel much different. I guess that just hasn't hit me yet.

Friday the 22nd was the first time Sam and I had sex.
I should have been cured from the awful thing I never want to think about ever again a while ago. They said they wanted me to come back in 3 months to make sure it really is gone.

I'm sure it is. It has to be.

But today after work I got a call from a number I did not recognize. I was also driving so I didn't answer. I parked at Incredible Pets parking lot and listened to my voicemail. A woman named Judy said she was looking for Monica and needed to talk about some test results.
I called her back twice.
I haven't heard back yet.
The clinic is only open Mondays and Wednesdays.
And even typing that makes my stomach feel awful.

But I'm trying not to worry until there is a reason to. I just wish they worded things better. Made it clear if I should be worried or not.
"Nothing to worry about, just give us a call when you're free- Judy."
"This is an urgent message! Please call back at once!"

Is that so hard?

So it's spring break. And dads trip to Australia is coming up. April 3rd to be exact. That hasn't hit me yet either.
I guess I just choose to ignore that. Because I wish it were me. Like Spain and Greece.

Oh well, best not dwell on what might have been.

I also pierced my nose. Just the nostril. I am a very good daughter.

I better go.
Talk to you soon.

10:24pm

Today has been all sorts of things, as well as hardly anything at all.
I'm getting emotional. all sorts of emotions.
Good and bad and somewhere in between.

School starts in a day or so and I always get excited and feel good when it first starts.
I'm even excited about this one.
But it could just be that I'm sick of being at Caroline's 24/7. Yeah that's probably it.

I've been looking at people's Facebook pages that I miss dearly

(Jillian)

People I admire but don't really know

(Joelle)

New friends

(Sam)

Ones that I respect

(Olivia)

Lets talk about Olivia. 

First of all- good name.

Second of all, she got herself out of this black hole.

She took the crazy leap of faith and left without a plan.

She didn't say goodbye to many, but  instead made a video.

I hardly know this girl. Hardly at all.

We met (more or less)

More, were in the same room together,

a grand total of about 4 times?

Her look changed every once in a while, but relatively the same through the years.

irrelevant..

Back to the video.

I have no idea why this video touched me so much but I 

just felt so, proud  of her.

Practically a stranger and I'm not sure.. Just that she went from hating everyone and getting hated on to making friends that meant so much to her and getting close to them

to finally doing what she wanted to all along.

Get out of this god forsaken place.

She is just over come so much and after watching her video I sent her this long mushy message just about how I wish I had known her more and hung out with her to get to know the real Olivia.

"I wish you well on all your ventures."

After all that it really made me reflect on what I am thankful for.

More who than anything..

The one person who I can call my best friend and not hesitate. She just knows me and how to make me smile. I talk to her nearly every day and when I don't I feel like it's been ages.

I'm in love with this girl as well as her 2 kids.

Janna, I tell you how much I adore and love you to pieces nearly every day.

But I don't think you will ever understand just how much you mean to me. How big a part of my life you are.

And I cannot thank you enough.

My dear friend Emmit was hired at Caroline's. I cannot begin to express my excitement.

I went on to tell him that- not only is this rad as fuck for him, this is great for me too.

I hope that this will help get me happy again. I need something to be happy for. Something to look forward to at work. And having one of my best friends around me again is certainly going to help.

Surrounding myself with positive people and beings that inspire me.. it's just all I need right now.

Emmit has always been a fantastic artist ever since I met him. I'm thrilled to see what he will bring to the table.

Khrista told me today that Kim and herself thought I had an attitude a few days ago.

(I worked a 9 hour shift) so yeah.. I was a tad upset.

But I felt as though I got over it. 

Nope- Khrista told me that after we closed and they headed towards their cars and mine was in the opposite direction, they agreed I had an attitude and Kim replied with, "I just ignore her after a while"

THE FUCK.

1. You are still pretty new there Kimberly..
2. I am your supervisor, so ignoring me is kind of out of the question.
3. Fuck You.

I hate it when I hear people tell me, "oh whats wrong.." "you're not acting right" "you are acting differently" "are you okay?"

How about you all just leave me the fuck alone..? 

Is it really too much too ask for?

Just worry about you and I'll worry about me.

Am I suddenly not allowed to just keep to myself or have any emotions?

If I choose to show any at all- just let it happen.  You don't need to question everything.

Fuck.

Sometimes I hate customer service. 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even still working there.

Then I choose to think of other things.

Dad said I don't have to pay him back the $1,400.

As long as I give him the $240 for registration and $200 on the first of each month since we put full coverage on Jack.

Which I have no problem with. But I feel like I need to assume he will change him mind after he hears about me plan for my septum and nostril.

I am frankly done talking about it. Thinking about it. and everything. It's bullshit.

It's what I want for my birthday present. I'm paying for it entirely myself.

And still planing on paying for everything else I'm required to.

I'm done. It's a waste of my time and energy. My reasoning for the entire argument trumps his entirely.

Fuck I'm tired.

Working so many hours. It's really starting to hit me.

I need to go school shopping. 

• Binder
• Sketchbook probably
• other essential needs

You know.. college shit.

and on that note, I must say farewell for now.

That was my update on this thing that is my life.

Until next time.

8:29pm

Sam was let go today.

I don't think it has hit me just yet.
I feel like he will blame me for it. Last night was brutal. He makes working with him so hard sometimes, then when you tell him that he has done something wrong- it just doesn't sink in. You can only teach him so many things.. so many times.. before you just give up.
Before you find that "you're not in the right place".

So this is me apologizing.

But not really.

If I hadn't said something Khrista would have.

Her words exactly.

And you know, I shouldn't feel bad for telling Becky what happened.

You don't get to act the way you do and not suffer a single consequence.

We were all rooting for you Sam..

I was especially.

I guess you just couldn't prove yourself to everyone.

It doesn't matter anymore I suppose.

I'm sorry you cried today.

I'm glad that I missed that.

Convenient rushes.

I just don't do well with boys crying.

It scares me.

It hurts me.

I just can't handle it.

My dad, brother, etc.

I haven't quite become used to or comfortable with it.

And that I am sorry for.

I hope you still show up to the Christmas Party.

I'm your 

Secret Santa..

Here's to you Sammy Boy.

Besides the fact that Sam was fired, I felt like I did such a good job closing.

I busted out all my chores and although I know I had nothing to prove and no one to show to,

I still did a damn good job.

I had a rush of energy or something.

Maybe I just wanted to.. I'm not sure.

Show myself that I shouldn't let this sort of thing affect me? I know Sam blames me for this whole thing. 

(Although Khrista was the one who spoke to Becky. She then wanted to hear my point of view.)

"Because that what Sam does, he blames others for everything."-Ruth

It helped hearing that. But it still hurt to see Ruth sad. 

Since Ruth dated Joe Sam became her little brother. She was rooting for him the most I feel. But he was also awful to her a lot of the time.

It shouldn't have had to go this way- but Sam is 15. And yes he did a great job for a 15 year old, but I wouldn't want- let alone expect, Blake to do what I do everyday.

Sam, I'll miss you bud. 

I hope you come round from time to time.

12:13pm

Lunch break blog.

I'm angry.
Currently. I'm sick. Again. Or so it seems.
I'm a tad annoyed too.
I hate talking about her and continuously bringing it up, but Courtney. We aren't friends obviously. We are coworkers.
Ryan came in this morning. I think at this point they are broken up? But it sure didn't seem like it today. Yet she is practically dating the owners son Andrew. Who was dating her old best friend. Who was fired.
I just caught them making out in the office and that's where my frustration comes from.
Not only is she leading Andrew on and giving him false hope, (bc she is moving in June) he is pretty much having her cake and eating it too.
It's just bullshit. It's making me and everyone else uncomfortable. I hate that it affects me so much. She needs to just fucking leave already.

I want to feel better after getting all that out but I don't. I am just so angry. I want to hit her. I want to hit her hard.
GAH.

The worst part is, SHE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANYONE'S FEELINGS. IT'S ALL ABOUT HER.

I want to get off my lunch and be released of y frustration but I can't. Bc she will still be out there. And I have to look at her face.
She just disgusts me to no end.

Anyways.... I wan to leave this post off on a good note.

The best way I can do that is by looking at photos of my favourite little girl.
Here's to you Bird.