Not much was done in any class other than going over the syllabus. But I can tell that I will enjoy them all. Too early to tell which I like the most. Plus I haven't had my Human Sexuality class yet, which is only on Thursdays.
So school was fine.
During a break I had between my first and second class I stopped into work planning on editing some photos from me and Emmit's trip. Holly asked if I had a minute to talk with her and Em. We stepped outside and she had us decide what was acceptable behavior between the two of us. I wish she had just decided for us rather than let us decide. Luckily Emmit came to the rescue with his words and came to a good conclusion for the both of us.
Conversations with Holly seem to always make me feel less wonderful then I had before. Not exactly an easy person to talk to. I'm not sure if I brought that mindset and indifferent attitude with me in m head for the rest of my day but I may have. Luckily Sophie showed up and took my mind off things.
We had ASL 2 and Pilates together. Then after, Emmit and I met at Briar Patch for dinner. I watched him edit some photos from our trip and then we headed out.
We sat in my car as it warmed up and I guess all the crap in my head decided it needed to come out.
I told him how hard it was not having a plan. I'm so used to having a goal and knowing what I'm working so hard for- but I suppose I just don't know what I'm putting my effort towards.
Courtney is going to a cooking school. She is just so sure of it and I want to go away to school for something. I think photo is not exactly realistic (I'm being negative about life tonight.) I don't want to give up Photography, I've worked really hard for what I've done with it so far. I don't know my full potential with it. I don't know all my options. Therefore I believe I should give up. I could do graphic stuff and incorporate my photos to it. My artistic abilities and such. I feel I may be okay at that. But then I feel like I'm just copying Cru.
I explained how I found out my mom didn't have to pay child support anymore. And that whole conversation with my dad. How I didn't try to leave or look at schools because I knew if I stayed, my mom would be doing something as a parent. But the minute I turned 18 I found that was all a lie. I could have tried harder to leave, I could have just gone, I could be in a whole different place in life right now.. But I'm not. And at this point I don't want to be. I believe in fate.
I know that if she were a part of my life I would be such a completely different person. And I am so thankful for who I am currently. (for the most part.) I know her not being a part in my life is the best thing for me, but it's so hard sometimes. Being a little girl growing up into a young woman without a mom. Those are the years you need a mother figure the most. To teach you how to apply makeup, how a bra works, shave my legs. But it was really friends moms that I had to go to for that sort of information. Or teach myself.
It's not easy growing up and hating her more and more for disappearing over time.. all the way to the point where
you forget what she looks like.
sounds like.
the color of her eyes.
her laugh.
her smile.
It comes down to trying to remember anything you can, and hope it's a good memory.
But it's awful knowing that the most of them aren't.
I've been thinking about her for a few months now I bet.
Missing her, and not knowing if I should be mad at myself
for it.
Wanting to just send her a text saying that I want her to meet me at this place and I need to talk to her.
I need to just get so much off my chest. She needs to know what she's done to her second born child.
I'm a realist. I know it's morbid, but because I haven't seen nor talked to her in years I don't know how she's doing. It she is sleeping under a roof or her own or in a cardboard box.
In a strangers bed or in a hostile.
I know nothing about her at this point. But if her past actions have continued to now then she know only be doing worse. Since the last time I saw her, her teeth had either begun to decay away or she just didn't have any. It's hard to describe. It was like she was wearing a mouth guard. A really shitty mouth guard that her lipstick got stuck on and made her lips pucker out a little when they touched.
Something I can't explain to Blake when he asks me.
"What's on mom's teeth.. what is that stuff.."
And that's what kills me the most.
Like I said, I'm a realist. And no girl should ever have in the back of her mind,
"My mom could die today."
Each day the phone rings I just imagine it's a stranger telling me the news and me just on the other line choosing to accept it or not.
<------------------------------------->
Emmit kept telling me he was so proud of me, and it's one of the best things I could ever hear.
Although he was getting frustrated at himself for not being able to quite say what he felt or feel genuine with his saying it- I understood. Every word. And he said all the right things. He was the set of ears I didn't know I needed tonight.
Parking lots make for a lot of 'firsts'
like having your boyfriend see you cry for the first time.
And feeling him exhale tears on your shoulder right back.
Which I didn't know until now- is one of the best feelings.
<------------------------------------>
I don't know.. maybe it's just because so many things are happening and changing all in around the same time, and it's a lot to keep up with.
Me moving.
Emmit moving.
School.
Fucking work bullshit.
I know I'm a strong girl- but there are just nights like tonight where I really just wish I had a plan and the willpower to keep trudging through the tough times.
I suppose a good cry is necessary every now and then..
{I'll post photos from the trip tomorrow. Needed to just get things out of my head tonight.}
