Things in my head that I only talk about on here in private or to Courtney were said. And it feels so nice to have just put so much out there. To have someone I can so easily talk to, who I know will understand my stuttering when I get a bit shaken up about a subject or whatnot.
Sam and Hana were brought up as well as drugs and alcohol.
That already gives you an idea of how much my hands were shaking.
I told him my thoughts and my "New Years Resolution" to stop following Hana on certain social networks to relieve myself from some over-thinking. {Which leads to making myself feel ill.} We came to the conclusion that she most likely still does have feelings for him and most likely always will. Until she exits this phase and realizes how exhausting it will be. Just as Sam needs to.
Emmit and myself realize that neither of us have anything to worry about since we understand just how much we feel and care for each other. But it was still really nice to finally get out my over-thinking.. not necessarily worries, more like stories in my head. And even that still could have been worded better.
I'm not going to get into full details of what was said since I'm not sure I can write it all down let alone recall it all.
What I will remember and carry with me for months if not years is what he told me near the end of our conversation.
His promise to me. To show how much he cares, how much I influence him- to be a better person and remember what he believed years ago-
He is no longer going to smoke weed.
I know to anyone else right now this means so little. But with my views on things and how big a deal it truly is -to me- I cried.
Not to compare anyone, but Sam never did that nor would he have.
I'm grateful that any and all my friends really were respectful when it came to that, by not smoking around me and whatnot, but no one has ever made this huge of a promise to me.
I just can't express how grateful I am for this human.
He told me how Hana was the real reason he started to smoke in the first place. Which I had no idea. Her mom smokes and so in a sense, "she peer pressured him"- he actually said that.
He did explain he is a curious person and therefore thats why he continued to 'experiment' with things. Which I suppose is understandable. I still feel that no one should be experimenting until at a 'legal' age.
Which then brings me to what I've been thinking about lately.
My birthday is coming up, and it's my 21st. I've been.. overthinking.. and then rethinking.
I keep telling everyone how I'm not planning on drinking on my birthday. Because I've been grouped into the label of "Straightedge."
I did not put myself there, but once everyone explained it to me and I fit in {due to my personal choices} thats what I became. Now I have a label and a reputation to uphold. I wasn't aware how much pressure that would bring me. I thought I was doing all this for myself. To be the person my mom isn't. Not even temp myself to dip into her ways. But now I'm trying to put together my thoughts and beliefs.
I'm still kinda figuring it out but I guess I've come to a more open mind about what I plan on drinking on the 15th of March.
Our conversation isn't quite over since he had to go home to help him mom with her website stuff. But all in all, I just think everything just couldn't have gone better.
Like I keep saying, I'm so grateful. And just truly in love.
Until next time.
