Oh lord. What to say.
Today..
Just the same.
What actually matters
hell if I know.
Rereading what you said to me now, makes me want to cry. Throw up and cry.
all in the best way possible.
You said you thought of me when applying your eyeliner.
it's shit like that that make me want to sink into your arms and just be you.
I'm sorry I made you cry, that wasn't in the game plan.
yet neither was crying in your car,
or telling you all of the things I have floating in my head.
You didn't fail yourself or do any wrong.
you just said what I asked of you, and I can't thank you enough.
its those thing that I need to know in order to survive at work.
"We will never run or escape from who we are, and we will continually be reminded of the people we were because it's who we are.."
And when I say fuck you, I mean I love you. I love you from the bottom of my soul and body.
Even knowing you just for the few months I have, I feel I'm a part of you.
I keep repeating myself about how I hardly know you.. But I know so much of you.
I know you don't care, and yet care just enough.
You have days, like myself, where you just are.
You are inside yourself and outside yourself.
You are watching yourself walk around, and wondering
"So that's what I look like from behind."
"That's what every other person in this fucking city sees everyday."
A few weeks ago I was walking down the street and I forgot what I looked like. Legitimately forgot what I looked like.
What does that mean?
That I forgot who I am for a few brief minutes?
Does looking in a mirror fix that problem or are you then just looking at a body you are inhabiting at that moment?
Last night I raced home to babysit after verbally puking in your car.
I had to give the young autistic boy I watched a bath, and as his sister and himself watched their movie I ran the water.
Every few minutes I would go check to see if it was getting any warmer then it was previously.
Nothing changed.
As I took the ice cold wash cloth and watched the suds run down his backside, he would say 'Ow!' each time the icy cold water touched his goose bump stained skin,
I didn't have the heart to tell him,
"I think they turned off your hot water.."
But he is probably 7 years old, and doesn't even know what that means. So I bundled him up and put on his pajamas and we played a game of Jenga.
Now do me a favor, and tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to function with all this new bullshit inside my head.
Work was hell. I was a zombie. Emotionless.
There was a moment, and I would not lie to you, when I had to
stop.
stand there.
and breathe.
The only emotion I could explain to someone was
"I feel lost."
And I told you that.
You said,
"Drink water."
and,
"Have you eaten?"
Of course the answer was no.
"And what defines us is the beauty we see and connections we make because a time will come when you just say, fuck the world and you'll do everything you can, to fend for yourself. And there is beauty in that, because we are alive and we have purpose."
You said your 'heart felt like cracking that night because you heard the things I felt and thought not one soul in this world deserves to feel so down'
But love.. you haven't even heard the beginning....
but one day you will. And we will
cry and
cry and
cry and
cry and
cry and
cry.
Till we have nothing left to give.
And don't you dare apologize for shit. Your "garble" is what makes my world go round because it is real and it is you. And damn it I can't ask for much more.
I felt your heart seep out of your body as mine did, and touch.
What you may have not known is I'm awful with eye contact. Too sensual for me.
But I tried with all my might to look right at you in my tear filled eyes and tell you the nonsense about my dreams and how brushing his teeth was like turning on the television.
And It makes me want to cry at this very moment in this very spot just thinking about you and each time you nodded your head to show that
you understood each word, each syllable, each fucking tear that ran down my cheeks..
You understood what I thought no one could. You proved to me I can try my best to explain my dreams to those who can handle them.
I've now taken up too much of your time making you read this shit, but like you said,
this is me, and it's real..
So we will leave it at that.
I hope you sleep well,
I'll see you soon. my dear.
